wtlyn72

Hi...I am looking for any time of insight/advice while wondering if I am over-reacting. I have been in a bit of a long distance relationship for 3 years with someone who is 49 (never married). I am 39. When we first started dating he was overjealous in telling me about what a cheater he used to be with his long term gf and how he slept with many women--to this day I am not sure what his purpose in doing this was. He certainly doesn't come across this way to me now....he is more of a loner who doesn't frequent bars or drink. It never sat right with me regarding some of the stories he told me and beginning over a year ago I was able to log into his cell phone records and emails. I know that this was wrong of me. His emails were benign and I was just getting ready to stop checking them when I came across an email he sent to an old gf (now married again) of a amateur porno of a guy pulling his underwear down and exposing himself. There were no words in the email, just the video. I confronted him and he was extremely apologetic and told me some story of how it was based on something she told him of an experience with another man. Also regarding this woman, I found in his drawer a will where she would get $50,000 from him upon death of which he told me was drawn up years ago prior to neck surgery and "not filed" even though it looks like all signatures are signed and it is notarized. He calls her periodically--she is married, but likes to hear from him since he "cheers her up"; especially when she talks to him about problems with her kids or husband. In addition to this woman, I also found that he had kept in touch with another previous girlfriend who was still in touch with him when him and I started seeing each other. He told me that she was a FWB, but their relationship evolved to friends about 6 months prior to me coming into the picture since they are just different types (she= hippy, him= straight laced). After he told me that he did not have recent contact with the second girl, I had then found out through cell records that they kept in touch through a couple texts occurring monthy or every other month. I have confronted him in the past when I found out and have always told him it would be better to be upfront with me when they have some type of contact if they are just friends. I even suggested for the three of us to meet over lunch since they are buddies and I would like to meet his friend as well which he didn't seem intersted in--he told me she gets on his nerves too much for that. I really did stop logging into his email since it is not right and I dont feel good about it, but went away this past week and checked after I nonchalantely asked him what he had been up to for the day and he seemed to pause a bit. When I checked his account, I found an email from the second girl as a follow up to a call or text he sent--very benign, but he continues to hide having contact with her while being quiet about it. Around the same time I started finding out more about the two girls, I sent this girl a kind, non-threatening email asking about the nature of their relationship especially since they dated in the past and she told me that there is nothing between them, but understood why I was confused. So, based on this info, am I over-reacting? I am just as confused as ever with him. He always comes across as sneaky, quiet (ex cop who did undercover work--automatically deletes texts), but has opened up over the few years. He is just quiet about this and I don't know why if he has nothing to hide. Also, it does come across in my mind that he is keeping in touch with these ex's to keep options open? Again--I need an objective view here. Thanks for reading!

golfergirl

Is his name Warren? Only half kidding. I had an ex have all these female friends that I could never meet. We dated over 2 years. I snooped and found an email where he got a little inappropriate. I made up a fake MSN with her name and pretended to be her. It was all I needed to know. He lied about dating me (said we were friends when we were actually looking for houses) and said if she lived in town they'd definitely date. Trust your gut and dig a little more.
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Therealbrighteyes

There are some HUGE red flags here.
1. 49 and never married = lifelong player
2. Sending explicit videos to a former girlfriend now married = lack of boundaries
3. Emotional affair with his ex = cheater
4. Keeping in contact with a FWB chick = keeping options open
5. When you asked to meet her he downplays her role = still FWB
6. Continued contact with other women = lining them up
7. Cheating on his ex-girlfriend = coward
8. Lastly, a will doesn't get "filed". It can be written on a paper towel and as long as it is notarized, it is legal = liar

Forget about snooping some more. Ditch this middle aged loser and find someone who isn't a liar, a cheater, a coward and all around scum bag. You deserve a heck of a lot better than this!

Entropy3000

that_girl

If I was dating someone who told me how much he cheated on his exgf, I would probably leave the date at that moment.

Holy crap. No one is that special to dodge a serial cheater or make them change.

__________________

YupItsMe

Would you recommend your daughter, best friend or niece date a dooosh bag or no?

square1

This dude is throwing red flags left and right. You should just walk away, maybe even a brisk jog.

vsimmons

hmmm - I have the same issue. I've been living with a guy for a couple of years and he has several women he is friends with that I've never met and he's constantly deleting texts from them and I know he phones them and meets them for lunch. He lies to me about this, or simply lies by omission. When confronted, he denies it, then blames me then justifies it. He says he has to lie about it because I can't handle the truth. More like he doesn't want to be inconvenienced by the consequences of his own action. Also says that his relationships with these women don't affect our relationship so I don't need to know about them. He is divorced, the was engaged to a woman who caught him cheating on her, and lies about all kinds of stuff all the time. He is totally guilt and insecurity driven, and lies to cover inappropriate or incrimintating behaviour by himself or his family. I have witnessed him lying to his friends, lying to his family and certainly caught him lying to me on numerous occassions. Why am I still with this lying cheating cowardly man, you must be asking by now. Well, that's a very long story. Anyway - one of the women he keeps in touch with has her phone number on not one but 2 escort sites. Very creepy. I have told him this. Of course he denies that too, but there it is. He is the King of De Nile. Stranger thing is he is great to be with, very fun, successful, chivalrous, so I have no idea why he has this whole other lying cheating side. It's weird. Unfortunately, I can't believe a word he says about where he is or who he's with because there have just been too many lies. Even weirder is that he does not seem to think that honesty and trust are important in a relationship. It doesn't seem to bother him that his word means squat and that he is not trustworthy. He even went so far as to try to turn things around and said a friend of mine told him that I'm seeing some guy from work. He couldn't name the friend or the mystery man I'm supposedly seeing. How messed up is all of this! I have yet to determine the cause of this compulsion he has to surround himself with other women. I don't know if he is keeping them as back up, boosting his insecurity, has some kind of odd addiction or what. In some cases he renders these women financial beholden to him so they'll feel obligated to spend time with him. Sometimes I wonder if the really young one is a daughter from a previous relationship that I don't know about or if he's being blackmailed. Doesn't make any sense to me for him to have all these single female friends I can't meet. Hey you single women - stop helping men cheat - go get your own men and leave mine alone. Although, in their defense, they probably don't know he is taken. 50 shades of messed up is my life.

wiigirl

Wow...dead on if you ask me!

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galian84

Thirded (or fourthed?)!

I used to keep in touch with ex-boyfriends...but it's nothing like what you're describing. It's more like a once every 2-3 month facebook message or email asking how each other are doing, and that's it. I even stopped doing that when I started dating my boyfriend.

In_The_Wind

They keep in touch so they can pick up right where they left off run dont walk find someone else

IrishGirlVA

I do believe that past cheaters can be "reborn" into faithful and devoted people. I dated one. But believe me, I kept my eyes wide open after he told me. Just like you are doing. I think you seriously need to re-evaluate this relationship. Especially if you plan on getting married which means one of you will be moving, right? Is that going to be you or him?

But you know, the poster "therealbrighteyes" hit the nail on the head. Regardless of whether or not something is going on with his ex's, he is still lying and covering up by omission. You deserve better than that.

Jellybeans

Dump him.

3 years is too long to be dealing with this.

You should have axed him the moment you found out he sent d!ck videos to his ex... the ex who is married and he still stays in touch with. It's completely inappropriate.

Not sure what else you are expecting to hear. He's shown you for 3 years who he is. It's like you do not want to believe him.