Vbeach

Where to start...my wife asked me to meet her for dinner. She did the classic "busy restaurant - I'm leaving" thing to me and I was just floored. She has no plan to go, no place to stay, no stated reason for dropping this bombshell, yet tells me she's leaving?

We continued to talk for several days as i begged an pleaded for her to stay. I also longed to understand more about why she felt our relationship had ended.

On Sunday night she finally said "I have a friend" and it all made sense. She swears it's not sexual and there's no physical contact but I just don't know what to do with myself. I bought flowers two days this week and took them to her place of work. I changed everything about me I can, even though I don't consider myself a bad husband.

So here I am, making no progress and beginning to question why i am the one begging and crying? I just don't know how I will cope if she stays and I'm left to always wonder where she is and what she's doing. Much less wonder if she will just leave anyway.

I'll be looking for a LMSW tomorrow....in the mean time if you have any suggestions/advice please let me know.

RelationshipCoach

I'm so sorry. I know you're heart is broken. I know.

There's nothing you can do but go with it. You can tell her that you know she wants to leave you but you love her and wish she would reconsider and work on the marriage instead.

This is all you can do. If you make her feel guilty, she may stay just for the guilt. This could make it miserable in the long run for the both of you.

You can ask her to come to therapy with you, which will probably be something the LCSW will recommend when you see her. This will help her find out if there is any hope for reconciliation of the marriage.

Again, I am so sorry. This hurts and will hurt. My advice is to not deny yourself the right to grieve this because you are entitled to feel every emotion you have from this - the rage, the sadness, the confusion - everything. Go with it... and see what happens.

The more you fight... the more she runs... the more she runs... the more you suffer. Just be there if she wants to work on the marriage, ask her to come to therapy with you to work on the marriage, and give her the time she needs to make sure that this is it.

I'm hoping that she comes out of the "fog" and decides to save the marriage with you... I'll be checking back for updates.

~~Marcelina

Vbeach

Thanks Marcelina.

Your words are very helpful and accurate. As I pressed to learn more about her friend she became angry and distant. I left him out of the equation and let her know I have no desire to burn energy on the other guy.

I really hate the idea of waiting this out and it's soooo hard to find a balance between badgering her and smothering her.

In the mean time, I'll follow your lead, as it makes complete sense to me. Thanks again....I've had no one to talk to and nothing but tears. I appreciate you taking time to offer guidance.

-G

RelationshipCoach

Yes, it can be difficult to find someone to talk to you will completely understand the heartache that this causes. Many people will look down at your wife thinking that she deserves to be left, while you feel as though you want to just make her see that she is making a huge mistake.

It's a lonely feeling indeed and it does feel like a prison sentence to not be able to do anything but sit and see what happens.

I shook my head as I read that she became angry and distant when you brought up the other person. It may be a mixture of guilt and a struggle inside of her to make this about her and the marriage and not her relationship with this other person. Very common...

Good luck with your appointment with the LCSW... my advice with that is to make sure you feel comfortable with the person and what the person says resonates with what your beliefs are in your current recovery process and how you would like to proceed at this point.

chattycathy

Who is her 'friend'? A coworker?

SunnyT

Try DIvorce Care... even if you hope it doesn't come to divorce, there are groups of people going thru the same thing, or have done so. They often take place at a church, but doesn't mean its religious, it could be an awesome support group.

Talk to an attorney, do not tell W that you are doing this, and figure out your options! Knowledge is power..... it will help you to KNOW things...whether you have to act or not!

Vbeach

Good guess, yes her friend is a coworker. Why is this such a problem? Well, she has a sports car that I bought for her just a few years ago. She usually drives it during nice weather, but not often. Lately it stays in the garage more than not. Then there was a 3 day spell where she drove it every day, and one day it was rainy and overcast. I know this sounds petty but it was behavior that seemed odd. To the point, the car is black and shows everything. I looked at the passenger door handle and there were smudgy fingerprints. Evidence of a passenger? I never brought it up. Gave her the benefit of the doubt and tried to explain it to myself as "she must have needed to get in the passenger side for some reason".

Nope. They went to lunch, she later explained. What took me over the top is when I learned her friend is going through a divorce. He called her during the day (he was off work?) and asked her to his house to talk. She left work, went to his house, then back to work. The guilt must have factored in, as I have no idea why she told me about it.

The house is brick mansion...and I suspect she was there that day and pictured herself in a new life. This is so significant to the story...because it was that evening she told me she was leaving.

But yes, a coworker.

Shaggy

Then expose to hr,likely a no no to date coworkers.
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chattycathy

Well. I guessed cause co workers commonly start talking about life, walking together at lunch, cross boundaries.
It just takes one to say "I think I am falling in love with you" and
BANG
even a good marriage is in for it. Nothing like the crossing of boundaries at work for some lovely history re-writing/justification for dating someone who isn't your spouse.

So. I agree about writing HR a letter that your W and the coworker are having an inappropriate relationship. Companies have rules against it usually.

Tell family and friends you love your wife and she is involved with a coworker so that the secret isn't a secret anymore. Whatever happens from there........well.....won't be your fault and will be based in truth and not faux explanations.

Entropy3000

expose at her work