I could really get some advice on the situation below. I am confused if I am at fault or my husband. If its both our faults who should change what behavior to stop fights from escalating!
Last night, we went out to eat dinner and watch a movie. On the way home in the car, we got into a discussion about police brutality. We often talk about current issues and it is not always a problem BUT, usually it has a way of becoming a fight quickly. HE tells me its my fault because I dont apparently listen and let him talk.I know half of it is my fault but it gets so frustrating when he becomes so ****-ing righteous and opinionated. I feel like I also make good points. I hate that I can't just talk about stuff with him and have a discussion without him lecturing me on how I am being stupid and not making sense. I dont know how to argue my positions like him. He is just better at it and sometimes makes me feel soooo frustrated when he asks questions like "can you prove it, what facts do you have, you make no sense, bla bla!"...He doesnt always have exact statistics either and not everything has to be so accurate if it is between just us. He is not my boss or office colleague.
Anyways, we get home and apparently I was talking really loud and he was telling me to shut up so neighbors dont hear. When I had my back to him, he took his TSHIRT and smacked my back with it with a slosh motion (I dont know how to explain it but it was not body to body contact). Apparently this was done out of frustration to make me shut up.
umm...ISNT THIS PHYSICAL ABUSE? or am I crazy? So I turned around and asked him why he did that? Why was he being physical? I was not shouting out of the top of my lungs to warrant such an action? I was not going crazy and huffing or puffing? So why is he being physical when we promised each other numerous times we would not do that. Yes maybe some words were loud out of anger and Yes it was wrong as neighbors could hear and the subject matter was sensitive but DOESN'T MEAN HE GETS TO HIT ME WITH HIS TSHIRT? HE HAS BEEN LOUS BEFORE TOO. HE IS NOT PERFECT. And the worst part is that we have gotten into fights that have escalated to physical before (note: nothing to violent but maybe pushing and shoving, throwing objects on the ground etc.) and promised to each other we would not do it again to start such a physical route.
So I just became so shocked and push him back with my two hands on his back. He did not fall, hurt or have any more physical harm than that. I know I am wrong to have retaliated but I just couldn't control my shock and anger. I mean I didnt do anything to get hit by a tshirt. HOW DISRESPECTFUL when we are two adults in a marriage, not some teenage kids fighting! I know I acted as bad as him by pushing him but I need strategies to manage my anger? I dont know what to do when he physically touches me FIRST. I don't know how to control myself and not RETALIATE. I called him an *******. HE THEN CALLED ME A *****!
Then we continued to argue for a few more minutes, and I thought he wouldn't touch me again but he put his hand on ME AGAINE! HE TOUCHED my face aggressively to shut my mouth with his large hand. I had not done anything physical to him again to warrant that. I blew up after this and slapped him. He pushed me to the ground. I started shouting at this point and then he called me a ****!!!!! A C*UNT! A ****ING C*UNT. HE HAD CALLED ME THAT ONCE BEFORE in our 5 year marriage AND I HAD TOLD HIM THAT I WOULD LEAVE HIM IF HE CALLED ME THAT AGAIN.
Apparently the justification for that was that I was not listening to him to lower my voice and because I had called him an ******* he has the right to call me a ***** and also a ****! Do you guys think it is the same level? A man calling his wife a C*UNT and being called jerk or an ******* by her is the same thing? For me ******* is like calling him an extreme version of a jerk. He can also call me an ******* or a moron or whatever. I have never called him anything else other than an ******* when I am really upset. He promised me never to call me a cun*t ever again in out marriage.
I packed my bag to leave but he wouldn't let me pack it throwing everything on the floor, blocking my way saying we need to talk but refusing to apologize, saying I started it by calling him ******* and how he didnt do anything wrong as I was the one being loud. Does being loud mean he gets to hit me with a tshirt, or cover my face with his hand, or call me a C-UNT!!!!???
We went to sleep upset. I left the next morning to do errands. We are not talking. I know we will eventually make up, but since he has done this before how can I move one now? He has called me a cun't and been physical before **(When he gets mad he sometimes blocks me or pushes himself on me aggressively without crossing the line and being physically violent so he gets to say to me that he didn't do anything that qualifies as being physical)
How the hell am I supposed to let this happen again and live in a marriage where my husband gets away with calling me a c*unt if things become really heated or if I become really LOUD at night and he is scared of the neighbors calling the police. I know I also push him back and I am the one being loud so its not like I am 100% victim so I dont know what to do. In fact tonight we have a dinner with his family which I cannot get out of as it has been planned for months. I have to go back and change and get ready and go with him even if we DONT SPEAK.
PLEASE HELP ME ANALYSE THE SITUATION. THANK YOU.