How to de-escalate fights and stop it from turning physical - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 41Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-23-2016, 04:13 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 25
How to de-escalate fights so it doesnt turn physical

Hello everyone,

I could really get some advice on the situation below. I am confused if I am at fault or my husband. If its both our faults who should change what behavior to stop fights from escalating!

Last night, we went out to eat dinner and watch a movie. On the way home in the car, we got into a discussion about police brutality. We often talk about current issues and it is not always a problem BUT, usually it has a way of becoming a fight quickly. HE tells me its my fault because I dont apparently listen and let him talk.I know half of it is my fault but it gets so frustrating when he becomes so ****-ing righteous and opinionated. I feel like I also make good points. I hate that I can't just talk about stuff with him and have a discussion without him lecturing me on how I am being stupid and not making sense. I dont know how to argue my positions like him. He is just better at it and sometimes makes me feel soooo frustrated when he asks questions like "can you prove it, what facts do you have, you make no sense, bla bla!"...He doesnt always have exact statistics either and not everything has to be so accurate if it is between just us. He is not my boss or office colleague.

Anyways, we get home and apparently I was talking really loud and he was telling me to shut up so neighbors dont hear. When I had my back to him, he took his TSHIRT and smacked my back with it with a slosh motion (I dont know how to explain it but it was not body to body contact). Apparently this was done out of frustration to make me shut up.

umm...ISNT THIS PHYSICAL ABUSE? or am I crazy? So I turned around and asked him why he did that? Why was he being physical? I was not shouting out of the top of my lungs to warrant such an action? I was not going crazy and huffing or puffing? So why is he being physical when we promised each other numerous times we would not do that. Yes maybe some words were loud out of anger and Yes it was wrong as neighbors could hear and the subject matter was sensitive but DOESN'T MEAN HE GETS TO HIT ME WITH HIS TSHIRT? HE HAS BEEN LOUS BEFORE TOO. HE IS NOT PERFECT. And the worst part is that we have gotten into fights that have escalated to physical before (note: nothing to violent but maybe pushing and shoving, throwing objects on the ground etc.) and promised to each other we would not do it again to start such a physical route.

So I just became so shocked and push him back with my two hands on his back. He did not fall, hurt or have any more physical harm than that. I know I am wrong to have retaliated but I just couldn't control my shock and anger. I mean I didnt do anything to get hit by a tshirt. HOW DISRESPECTFUL when we are two adults in a marriage, not some teenage kids fighting! I know I acted as bad as him by pushing him but I need strategies to manage my anger? I dont know what to do when he physically touches me FIRST. I don't know how to control myself and not RETALIATE. I called him an *******. HE THEN CALLED ME A *****!

Then we continued to argue for a few more minutes, and I thought he wouldn't touch me again but he put his hand on ME AGAINE! HE TOUCHED my face aggressively to shut my mouth with his large hand. I had not done anything physical to him again to warrant that. I blew up after this and slapped him. He pushed me to the ground. I started shouting at this point and then he called me a ****!!!!! A C*UNT! A ****ING C*UNT. HE HAD CALLED ME THAT ONCE BEFORE in our 5 year marriage AND I HAD TOLD HIM THAT I WOULD LEAVE HIM IF HE CALLED ME THAT AGAIN.

Apparently the justification for that was that I was not listening to him to lower my voice and because I had called him an ******* he has the right to call me a ***** and also a ****! Do you guys think it is the same level? A man calling his wife a C*UNT and being called jerk or an ******* by her is the same thing? For me ******* is like calling him an extreme version of a jerk. He can also call me an ******* or a moron or whatever. I have never called him anything else other than an ******* when I am really upset. He promised me never to call me a cun*t ever again in out marriage.

I packed my bag to leave but he wouldn't let me pack it throwing everything on the floor, blocking my way saying we need to talk but refusing to apologize, saying I started it by calling him ******* and how he didnt do anything wrong as I was the one being loud. Does being loud mean he gets to hit me with a tshirt, or cover my face with his hand, or call me a C-UNT!!!!???

We went to sleep upset. I left the next morning to do errands. We are not talking. I know we will eventually make up, but since he has done this before how can I move one now? He has called me a cun't and been physical before **(When he gets mad he sometimes blocks me or pushes himself on me aggressively without crossing the line and being physically violent so he gets to say to me that he didn't do anything that qualifies as being physical)
How the hell am I supposed to let this happen again and live in a marriage where my husband gets away with calling me a c*unt if things become really heated or if I become really LOUD at night and he is scared of the neighbors calling the police. I know I also push him back and I am the one being loud so its not like I am 100% victim so I dont know what to do. In fact tonight we have a dinner with his family which I cannot get out of as it has been planned for months. I have to go back and change and get ready and go with him even if we DONT SPEAK.

PLEASE HELP ME ANALYSE THE SITUATION. THANK YOU.

kacy is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-23-2016, 05:03 PM
Forum Supporter
 
MarriedDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: ORYGUN
Posts: 1,850
Re: How to de-escalate fights so it doesnt turn physical

You guys need to get some professional help to learn to communicate with each other. This is not going to improve on its own. Adults can disagree without an argument....as partners you dont have to agree on everything...a discussion of current events is not a contest....there is no winner...its just talking, expressing your own views.

I hope you can see the irony of a physical argument that started over police brutality...in this instance...your both the bad cop.
Posted via Mobile Device

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
MarriedDude is offline  
post #3 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-23-2016, 07:54 PM
Member
 
*Deidre*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Somewhere else...
Posts: 3,129
Re: How to de-escalate fights and stop it from turning physical

I don't jump to suggesting divorce, but you sound like you're in an abusive relationship, period. And trust me, it will not get better. Praying for you, to have the strength to do what's best for you.

Last edited by *Deidre*; 07-23-2016 at 08:54 PM.
*Deidre* is offline  
 
post #4 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-23-2016, 08:35 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,943
Re: How to de-escalate fights and stop it from turning physical

Time to leave, Nope, don't care if it was a shirt. I honestly believe quite a few murders were truly escalation accidents. The violence was purposeful, but they reacted with a different object instead of a T-Shirt. If that's how he argues time to go.
phillybeffandswiss is offline  
post #5 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-23-2016, 09:14 PM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 18,893
Re: How to de-escalate fights and stop it from turning physical

You told him if he called you that word again, you would leave.

And you didn't.

To earn his respect you have to leave.
Posted via Mobile Device

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is offline  
post #6 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-23-2016, 09:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,537
Re: How to de-escalate fights and stop it from turning physical

Wow I am sorry for you. You both need to learn how to argue without taking it personal, however you shouldn't do that in the middle of a marriage with abuse. Your marriage is toxic at this point. Separate and seek counseling for yourself. Next time someone tries to hit you just get out of there don't try to retaliate. You never know what kind of person you are dealing with.

Don't get back with him.
sokillme is online now  
post #7 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-23-2016, 09:36 PM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,431
Re: How to de-escalate fights and stop it from turning physical

He tried to shut your mouth with his hand, after angrily hitting you with his shirt, then he pushes you to the floor and your main concern is what he said to you?! What on earth.

First of all, the way to keep arguments from escalating is for two people to have each other's backs and be having conversations to learn about each other and understand each other more deeply. It should not be about trying to convince someone of your point of view. That's not what matters at all. If that is how you treat each other, that is where the trouble begins.

Let me make this clear. The trouble does not start with the argument. It starts with the way you two are looking at things and your husband's lack of concern for your well being. He is more concerned with winning an argument than he is with your physical safety. Let that sink in. That is a huge problem.

I highly recommend you watch this video. It is a pastor explaining how escalation happens and why people don't recognize it. You need to understand what escalation is, because you are in danger.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDK4gz2hycQ

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
CynthiaDe is offline  
post #8 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-23-2016, 10:18 PM
Member
 
breeze's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,991
Re: How to de-escalate fights and stop it from turning physical

You sound exactly like my kids (but they don't swear) but there's no parent there to stop it escalating. Just this morning they were sorting the clothes for washing and he swung a pair of undies at her face so she did some sort of claw thing at his chest with one hand, so he did the same thing back with both hands and she got angry and he came and dobbed on her to me.

One thing I told them both if you don't want things to escalate into a physical fight, don't get physical. If you don't want to be called nasty names, then don't call someone a nasty name.

You have not sought better ways to manage your anger. You have formed a relationship with someone who has this same failing and it lets you sit on your hands and do nothing about it.

It sounds like you are both competing with each other to see who can hit harder, who can be nastier. I think he will always beat you when it all boils down to it. You can stay and continue this competition with him, or you can leave and look for better people to have in your life who will help you become a better person yourself. Sometimes it's possible for both people to help each other grow, but they both have to be willing to admit they need to do better.

Books that helped me:
"Getting the Love You Want" by H. Hendrix
"His Needs, Her Needs" by W. Harley
breeze is offline  
post #9 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 12:40 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,355
Re: How to de-escalate fights and stop it from turning physical

He is physically abusive. You are doing nothing wrong - except maybe not having left already.
uhtred is offline  
post #10 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 01:11 AM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,243
Re: How to de-escalate fights and stop it from turning physical

Do you have any family or friends who you can move in with? You need to get away from him. This is only going to get worse with time.

Do you have children with him?

EleGirl is online now  
post #11 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 02:26 AM
Member
 
NoChoice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 1,368
Re: How to de-escalate fights and stop it from turning physical

OP,
You two are not mature enough for marriage. When verbal aggression escalates it turns physical, that is the next step in the progression. If you are having fights of this magnitude over such trivial matters then there is an underlying issue. It would appear that neither of you can be wrong, each must win. There cannot be two winners in a contest between two people. I must agree with the other poster that you are behaving as children. How can you score which body part is more offensive? Actually, a vagina can be used for pleasure and to facilitate bringing new life into the world whereas an anus simply passes fecal matter through it. Which would you rather be given the choice?

What is your purpose for coming here? Is it to find those that agree with you so you can use that as ammunition against him? I agree that you are in an abusive relationship but he is not the sole abuser, I believe you share in that as well. I am going to speak to you as you were the one who posted here. If you really had a desire to not have your conversations escalate into full out fights all you would have to do is act maturely.

If it frustrates you so that he argues his point better than you then learn how to argue more efficiently. Also you must realize that trying to win a point by screaming, verbal abuse or physical violence is never successful, it only serves to prove your weakness in articulating your point rationally. If you had enough maturity to stop arguing when you feel he is being unreasonable instead of pushing your point would that not offer a more desirable outcome?

People who resort to screaming, verbal abuse and then physical violence are those that cannot successfully convey their point rationally. Try once acting as an adult. If you are arguing a point and your position is weak simply acknowledge that you currently do not have sufficient knowledge about the subject to have an effective discourse and, if is that important to you, study up on the subject and approach the topic again when you are better prepared to have a more balanced discussion.

I believe that there is abuse and then there is response to stimuli. If you try what I suggested above and your H still pushes his point refusing to acknowledge your unpreparedness then his actions are not rational nor reasonable but rather abusive. On the other hand, if he agrees to hold the discussion until you are better prepared, then you will have effectively prevented the situation from escalating further. You may see this as "losing" but was what happened the other night after dinner "winning"?

It is not a sign of weakness to admit that you are not fully prepared to argue a point but rather a sign of maturity. Furthermore, allowing the argument to escalate into violence is not a sign of strength but rather stupidity. If you attempt to emulate reasonable behavior and your H still presses for the situation to escalate then you may indeed be in a relationship with an abuser and you will need to consider the prudence of remaining in such an environment.

There are times when people respond and react excessively and I am not condoning your H's actions however, I have seen first hand how an otherwise reasonable person can be pushed to the edge by someone who knows how to "push their buttons". Why not try not pushing those buttons and see what the outcome is? You may then experience what it is like to actually win an argument.

Your question was actually how to de-escalate a confrontation but I have instead offered a possible way to prevent the situation from escalating in the first place which I see as preferable. If you do not then simply ignore this post. I wish you good fortune.

Peace and long life
NoChoice is offline  
post #12 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 02:27 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 25
I have no family. No friends. I never made friends growing up. My family is in another country. I moved here for work and met him and lived here afterwards. No kids either.

But everyone saying he is abusive can you let me know if you still think this if I called him as*shole first that's when he called me b*itch, then later c*unt. does it mean I'm abusive too? And he sloshed a tshirt at me cause I was shouting and he was scared our apartment neighbors would call police as it was 12am, he had told me to stop shouting numerous times. So is it still his fault or mine now? Then later after this I shouted him to never hitt me again loudly and we since have neighbors next to our wall he was said he put his hand on my mouth to shut me up. Once he sloshed me with the Tshirt I pushed him three times as hard out of anger so is he the abusive one or am I at fault too? When I called him as.hole he called me bit.ch then later he also called me the c word....He says its same as any swear word and I said as.s hole first so I am also to blame equally. Is this true? I called his Mom a fatso wh.ore after this. Is as.shole same as botch or c.unt??

Last edited by kacy; 07-24-2016 at 02:33 AM.
kacy is offline  
post #13 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 02:30 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by kacy View Post
I have no family. No friends. I never made friends growing up. My family is in another country. I moved here for work and met him and lived here afterwards. No kids either.

But everyone saying he is abusive can you let me know if you still think this if I called him as*shole first that's when he called me b*itch, then later c*unt. does it mean I'm abusive too? And he sloshed a tshirt at me cause I was shouting and he was scared our apartment neighbors would call police as it was 12am, he had told me to stop shouting numerous times. So is it still his fault or mine now? Then later after this I shouted him to never hitt me again loudly and we since have neighbors next to our wall he was said he put his hand on my mouth to shut me up. Once he sloshed me with the Tshirt I pushed him three times as hard out of anger so is he the abusive one or am I at fault too? When I called him as.hole he called me bit.ch then later he also called me the c word....He says its same as any swear word and I said as.s hole first so I am also to blame equally. Is this true? I called his Mom a fatso wh.ore after this. Is as.shole same as botch or c.unt??
kacy is offline  
post #14 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 02:36 AM
Member
 
breeze's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,991
Re: How to de-escalate fights and stop it from turning physical

Seems like a troll thread now.

Books that helped me:
"Getting the Love You Want" by H. Hendrix
"His Needs, Her Needs" by W. Harley
breeze is offline  
post #15 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 03:26 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 25
It's pointless talking to him he is so righteous and opinionated that it drives me nuts. He knows how to fight well. He is a lawyer. So it's difficult to just always let him. I sometimes want to prove him wrong by logically winning a debate but he is such a know it all it drives me nuts!
kacy is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
escalating fights, immature, loud words, name calling, physical fights

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How to de-escalate fights so it doesnt turn physical kacy Long Term Success in Marriage 7 07-31-2016 07:11 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome