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Saying I love you

2K views 24 replies 17 participants last post by  MarriedDude 
#1 ·
I say it all the time. My gal will say it if I say it first but never is the first to say it. And if I say it in text she doesn't say it back. This has been true even when we are at our best.

Anyone have similar situation? Is it just her and no big deal. I know she loves me
 
#2 ·
I'm a bit like that too, I guess it is a matter of love languages. I have been hurt enough by my H to know that words mean little, for me it's all about behaviour.
He has a tendency to 'talk big' so I take some of what he says with a pinch of salt. Recently he has started saying it at the end of telephone conversations, I am sceptical so don't say it back or just say 'you too.' At this stage in our married life, I don't say words needlessly.
I guess you should find out what her love language is
 
#3 ·
Saying 'I love you' is just one of the many things we need to do to reinforce the marital relationship. The real test is can we say it even when we're not in the mood or feeling it?

one day we may wake up finding our marriage has gone stale. I doubt it would've gotten that way had we constantly reminded ourselves and our spouses why we are married.
 
#13 ·
Saying 'I love you' is just one of the many things we need to do to reinforce the marital relationship. The real test is can we say it even when we're not in the mood or feeling it?

one day we may wake up finding our marriage has gone stale. I doubt it would've gotten that way had we constantly reminded ourselves and our spouses why we are married.
The 1st time I seen this ... I laughed.. this IS my husband...

he will even tell me he loves me in the midst of a fight.. it's never just words to him... never really thought about it -till reading this thread...

I came from a family that really didn't say these things.. I would be petrified to say this to my father.. I can't see him saying it to me either... (we've never been real close).. but when I got together with my husband in my teens.. I don't know.. he was very forthright in expressing his feelings to me.. I DID give back though.. always... so this sure helped !!

I don't think I would be satisfied with a partner that wasn't "free flowing" here.. I would question how they really felt.. I realize people have different "primary" Love languages.. like "Acts of service" , "gifts", "spending time", etc..

With a username like @Romance1234 ...you must be a real Romantic...sometimes opposites attract.. is she not this type ? Question for you... HOW does she show she cares about you...does she love spending time with you.. does she do little things for you (acts of service)...does she love to cuddle, hold your hand, be close/ sex ?? (Physical touch)?? If all of these are in short supply... or you aren't feeling it... I'd be concerned... but it's possible she is off put by saying it for some deep seated reason in childhood/ or ex BF's... or words of affirmation is just at the very bottom of her love language list... but still... I can understand why this would bother anyone...

I'd want to know the basis of WHY she wont' go there... Did she in the past ? DId something change in your relationship?
 
#5 ·
She's not feeling it. I did the same with my second wife. She didn't say it unless I said it first. Rarely did she say it without a prompt from me. She really doesn't love you.
 
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#6 ·
It's all context...for example.

I have NEVER...not one time in my entire life been told by either my father or my mother (totally long story there) that they loved me. Not once. Never a good job, way to go, i'm proud, nothing. That's what I learned.

My wife, on the other hand comes from a family that says I love you, I'm proud, Way to go, I miss You, etc...CONSTANTLY. It was strange. It took time...but now I do the same. With her, with my sons, with my extended family....and even with my dad (though he never responds and it makes him visibly uncomfortable...which is fun).

You say, you know she loves you. Then you know. If you want to say it...than say it.
 
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#19 ·
I have NEVER...not one time in my entire life been told by either my father or my mother . . . . that they loved me. Not once. Never a good job, way to go, i'm proud, nothing. That's what I learned.
I sure hope they communicated their love to you in some other way; ie. hugging, positive attention, being tucked in at night and read a bedtime story, mom fixing you your favorite snack, dad spending time building model airplanes with you---something??

Or, they provided for you to the best of their ability, so that you knew that you were cared for; especially doing something like helping you buy your first car, or assisting you with getting higher education.
 
#7 ·
I'm so glad that I came from a family where the verbal and physical expressions of love was never a problem!
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#8 ·
See what I mean, MarriedDude? You love them, and changed because it felt good to hear it from them. Either she has a real emotional issue from childhood or some other traumatic event, or she just doesn't love him.
 
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#12 ·
I say it all the time. My gal will say it if I say it first but never is the first to say it. And if I say it in text she doesn't say it back. This has been true even when we are at our best.

Anyone have similar situation? Is it just her and no big deal. I know she loves me
If you KNOW she loves you then I don't see a big problem here. Beyond the obvious that it is nice to hear now and then.

Have you asked her why she never initiates "I love you's"?
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#16 ·
I'm thinking of King Lear. :eek:

There are cultures where verbal expression of love isn't common. Love is chiefly expressed through act and deed. I'm Western and if married I'd like to hear it now and then, and I would say it, but I would show it mostly through my actions. Words are important, but our actions are our truest words.
 
#20 ·
I dealt with this as well. My husband rarely would say that he loved me first, but he would always say it back when I said it. This ate at me for a long time. I decided to stop saying it to see how long it would be before he would say it. I think I lasted about 6 months. Finally, I just told him that I wanted him to tell me that he loved me without me having to say it first. You know what? It worked. A little communication goes a long way.
 
#21 ·
It lasted six months? My God, you must be really good at playing poker.

I did the same thing but it lasted three days. I could not take it anymore after that and before we went to sleep, I told him that he has not said, "I love you" in 3 days. He was surprised. Now he says it all the time.
 
#23 ·
My wife and I both came from families where we very rarely heard those words, not to mention physical affection wasn't the norm for either of us in our families. I know for me this carried well into my adult life. I was very careful to ever say the words even when I felt them. This hampered my emotional growth quite a bit, in my opinion.

It comforts me to know that the last words I said to my Daddy before he died were, "I love you, Daddy." His last words to me were, "I love you, too, son." I don't remember us ever saying those words before then, even though they may have been said. We knew how we felt, but we just couldn't bring ourselves to say the words. Why?

It was only after my Daddy's death when I finally found the courage to say those words when I felt them about somebody, especially family members. After a while they became much easier to say.

Fast forward to a couple of LTRs where I said those words, and the reciprocated words were hollow, meaning I ended up with a broken heart. Needless to say, I learned a little about emotional maturity, and to use those words only AFTER I knew how my SO felt, whom, it turns out became my wife. I won't say the words without meaning them, so if I say them, I mean them.

After losing my Daddy, my Moma (two years later), and two of my brothers, I make it a point to tell my family members that are left that I love them. I also very freely use these words to my wife and two DDs, and they are reciprocated always. I am happy to say that my family is extremely close and affectionate, something my wife and I didn't grow up with. We leave NO doubt now.

It doesn't come from a point of "weakness", either. Being "weak" is not in my vocabulary. It comes from a point of courage, in my opinion. Anybody who knows me knows that there is nothing "weak" about me, and most admire my courage to say, "I love you", despite whomever may be listening. At least that's been my experience.

It reminds me of the Garth Brooks song, "If Tomorrow Never Comes". Why not have the courage to say those words to the ones you love? Will they ever truly know how you felt about them if you don't? Actions speak louder than words, but if the actions are backed up by the affirmation of the words, there wouldn't be any room for doubt.
 
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