General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hey guys,
I had a very strange thing happen to me.
Went to strip club with hubby for 3rd time. He winded up turning his seat away from me and getting a 20 min lap dance from 1 lady while I was sitting next to him. When they were done, stripper came to me and said he said she told him she was beautiful and I am going to get jealous! I was very embarrassed and upset and told him "Lets go!" I am very hurt. We talked about it and he has apologized, but the night it happened he first denied saying it, then said he only tried to get her to leave and that he felt uncomfortable but didnt want to insult her. She wasnt even hot, but he did eventually admit that he said to her that she is looking good and needs to leave before i get jealous. I have always trusted him but now I feel my trust is broken. He never behaved this way before. I am trying to get past it and I will, but I just need to vent my hurt and frustration. I only did this to make him happy and I feel that him whispering stuff like that to strippers is disrespectful and a 20 minute lap dance from the same person is crazy. I dont understand why he did this. He says he wanted me involved but he turned his chair away from me and I tried to give him privacy but clearly I made a mistake. I dont know if I should go back to these places with him anymore since he crossed the line. What do you guys think?
We were there to make him happy. It was our 3rd time. Never had any issues before. But thats because he has always been respectful and just kind've watched and talked to girls together with me. I was trying to spice up our marriage. We have been together over 10 years and he hadn't been there since we got married.
So now I am obsesses with this and need to talk to someone. Do I go back there and give him a chance to behave correctly or should I shut it down all together. He really likes going and I would never allow him to go without me.
One thing I am upset about is that I didn't get involved. I feel like I could've jumped in and said something, but I didn't want to embarrass him or myself and I was trying to let him have some fun. It boggles my mind he did this, sorry.
Thats the start of the problem right there. You are doing something you do not care to do, but only doing it because its something he wants to do. You are compromising your beliefs or how you feel for him.
I believe in doing things for and with the people we love, and making sacrifices sometimes because we love the person etc. HOWEVER, I also think there comes a time where you have to set boundaries. There are some things IMO that you just don't do.
If you do not want to go to the strip clubs, you need to tell him. If you figure he is going to go anyway, then let him. Then decide what you want to do with your marriage. Its really all in what you are willing to allow or not.
I'd never go with my husband to look at naked women. I would find it degrading not only to the women on stage but myself as well. And to get a lap dance? Wtf? You need to really draw up your boundaries. Do not go back.
My husband isn't into that anyway, so I don't need to worry.
Do you or do you not want to go to strip clubs with him? I'm meaning, do you want to go because YOU want to, not because HE wants you to?
My guess is once you nix the strip club thing, IF its something he truly enjoys he will likely go, without your knowledge. Or perhaps you will know and he will not care. If that is the case then you have a even bigger issue on your hands. Apparently he doesn't care anyway to do what he did with you right there.
To be honest, there is no real desire to go to strip clubs at all. I do however have a desire to please him. I really love him and try my best to make him happy. The first time we went I was forced into it because it was a friends birthday party that the wife planned!!! After going, I didnt think it was that bad if I was there. I must say to the women out there, not all strip clubs are alike. This particular club is wild, I mean anything goes, touching is ok. So those of you who think its ok for your man to go alone, would be terrified if they saw what I saw.
In general though, it is an aphrodisiac. After going the previous two times, I was very aroused when I got home and he had a great night. Something about all that sexuality can be arousing. But the strippers themselves do nothing for me.
But my hubby says its entertaining. We tried a different club that was more in line with the safe clubs most people think about where thee is just a dancer on stage and thats it. We had a good time and he was very happy so we went a 3rd time back to the original place where it is wild and the friend had a party. He solicited them to give him a dance, which is ok because usually its like 1 or 2 min and they go. But of course, you see what happened to me.
Wanting to please your husband doesn't mean you have to allow him lap dances...especially in front of you. Nor does it mean sacrificing your boundaries.
If he wanted to cheat, would you let him just to please him?
He solicited them to give him a dance, which is ok because usually its like 1 or 2 min and they go.
There are other ways to please him.
There are other forms of entertainment.
Is it, or is it not ok? I'm getting mixed messages. You can't say you don't care for the strip clubs and what he did, but then turn around and say it was OK because the lap dance lasted 1 or 2 mins. Its either ok or not ok that he got a lap dance.
That Girl, yes you are right. I never agreed to this lap dance stuff, he just did it. We talked about it before which is the odd part. He just felt adventurous I guess. The lap dances are usually harmless, but again, this night got wild.
Trey69,
Getting a lap dance was not the issue. Getting a 20 minute lap dance from same girl and telling her she looks good and I am going to be jealous is the issue. I am an attractive woman. She was not. If he tells unattractive women they look better than me, I am gonna have a problem with it. 20 minute lap dances are crazy dont you think?
The craziest thing about the situation is my husband has NEVER made me feel insecure or not trust him before. He has always been the greatest husband in the world. He was so happy that I went to the strip club with him. I just wanted to make him really happy again. Sheesh, I feel like an idiot.
Trey69,
Getting a lap dance was not the issue. Getting a 20 minute lap dance from same girl and telling her she looks good and I am going to be jealous is the issue. I am an attractive woman. She was not. If he tells unattractive women they look better than me, I am gonna have a problem with it. 20 minute lap dances are crazy dont you think?
The main issue is really being at the strip club period. I mean lap dances regardless of their length of time, is what goes on there sometimes.
You should have a problem with it. The man who claims to love you is at the strip club getting a lap dance with you right there. Some how I guess in his mind he sees that as being ok.
Does he know you do not really care to be there at the clubs? Or have you given him the impression that you like going with him, even though you really don't like it?
Hey guys,
I had a very strange thing happen to me.
Went to strip club with hubby for 3rd time. He winded up turning his seat away from me and getting a 20 min lap dance from 1 lady while I was sitting next to him. When they were done, stripper came to me and said he said she told him she was beautiful and I am going to get jealous! I was very embarrassed and upset and told him "Lets go!" I am very hurt. We talked about it and he has apologized, but the night it happened he first denied saying it, then said he only tried to get her to leave and that he felt uncomfortable but didnt want to insult her. She wasnt even hot, but he did eventually admit that he said to her that she is looking good and needs to leave before i get jealous. I have always trusted him but now I feel my trust is broken. He never behaved this way before. I am trying to get past it and I will, but I just need to vent my hurt and frustration. I only did this to make him happy and I feel that him whispering stuff like that to strippers is disrespectful and a 20 minute lap dance from the same person is crazy. I dont understand why he did this. He says he wanted me involved but he turned his chair away from me and I tried to give him privacy but clearly I made a mistake. I dont know if I should go back to these places with him anymore since he crossed the line. What do you guys think?
We were there to make him happy. It was our 3rd time. Never had any issues before. But thats because he has always been respectful and just kind've watched and talked to girls together with me. I was trying to spice up our marriage. We have been together over 10 years and he hadn't been there since we got married.
So now I am obsesses with this and need to talk to someone. Do I go back there and give him a chance to behave correctly or should I shut it down all together. He really likes going and I would never allow him to go without me.
One thing I am upset about is that I didn't get involved. I feel like I could've jumped in and said something, but I didn't want to embarrass him or myself and I was trying to let him have some fun. It boggles my mind he did this, sorry.
Lap dances are a whole other level. It is equivalent in my opinion to him taking you out dancing, you grinding on a guy for 20 minutes and the guy coming over to you and saying your wife told me I was hot.
Boundaries.
Do His Needs Her Needs together and establish agreed upon boundaries. From your post it sounds like his very first lapdance with you there was a 20 minute lap dance.
So does he go to the strip club without you?
I know some coules go to strip clubs together and make it work for them. There is probably much more to your story of how you ended up going to the strip club to begin with.
Trey, after yelling and threatening to beat him up, he says he understands now that I did it to make him happy and he says he understands he messed up.
Entropy,
We talked about strip clubs after the first time. I thought I made the boundaries very clear. I told him he must stay with me at all times and can only get a lap dance if I allow it. He doesnt go to strip clubs without me and hadnt been to one since we got together (dating). He had been there of course as a single man before me. The night in question he got one very short lap dance like 1 min, then this girl. It seemed like they had some kind of connection going on. No one gets 20 min lap dances. He didnt even pay a lot for this. He only gave her a few dollars. Its crazy really. She mustve liked him I guess.
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Strip clubs and marriage 
