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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 12-28-2008, 07:40 PM Thread Starter
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i need help..please read

i have been married for 3 years...seperated for 6 months.

about 18 months ago my wife got into a car accident and has since been diagnosed with a rare brain disorder that causes painful headaches, backache and muscle pain. since being diagnosed she has gained around 50 pounds and i am not attracted to her. prior to this happening the attractiveness was minimal also however i felt that being we were togehther for so long (almost 10 years before we got married) this was somewhat normal. there is no known cure for this however many people can live with the pain and manage to lead somewhat healthy lives.

we have had some other problems as well in our marriage and relationship. I have no relationship with her family and can not stand to be around her father. i have a problem with father figures as my own father was and still is a real sob (i havent spoken to him in many months nor has he called me during this time).

also, my wife does not want to have children as she feels:

1) in her condition she is not fit to have them

2) she does not want to spread this (which is hereditary) to her child.

all all valid concerns however It doesnt change the fact that i want children.

during this seperation i have met someone else. i am not sure how i feel towards this person but i know that she is in love with me .shes a great girl and has a very bright future. seems to want the same things I want for a future. i have been closed off somewhat as i still do not know what to do.

i can not decide which way to turn. i still care for my wife and feel very guilty for leaving her as she may have trouble finding someone else. i also dont want to leave a life i started (house, material assets etc....) however i could find happiness with this other girl but i dont know what that future may lead too. I am running out of money as i have been living in an apartment as well as paying a mortgage during this time. i need to make a decision soon before i ruin my entire finanical life along with my sanity.

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 12-28-2008, 08:30 PM
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Re: i need help..please read

I feel like you might be suffering from 'this isn't the woman I married' syndrome. Which is true, it sounds like a lot has changed since the two of your got together, which happens in every lenghty relationship. Have you tried marriage counseling?

The kids/no kids arguement is a real concern, and I believe it could be better addressed in counseling, but in the end, if both of you aren't happy, then there's really no reason to continue on with each other.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 12-28-2008, 08:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: i need help..please read

we have been thrown counseling to no avail....it seems to be going no where
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 12-28-2008, 08:38 PM
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Re: i need help..please read

If she is really serious about never wanting children that would be legitimate grounds for divorce, to me at least.

"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 12-29-2008, 09:05 AM
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Re: i need help..please read

please help-

I think your wife is being super-duper sensible not wanting a baby. On this occasion, it would not be moral for you to issue an ultimatum, or try to coerce her in any way.

If you decide to leave her, there are other men who have no intention of becoming fathers, so it's not as if she would have to live as a nun.

You also say you don't desire her, yet you want to impregnate her? Please... have mercy. If you really love her, you could either stay with her and start being a proper husband, or set her free and help her set up a new life.

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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-07-2009, 08:20 AM
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Re: i need help..please read

I'm sorry... My vows may have been different from yours, but sickness and health was in there somewhere. If physical attraction is the only glue that binds the two of you together, then there was never a marriage, and it would never work out anyway.

My wife pushed me around in a wheel chair for 2 solid years. I was not the man she married, but she took care of me. It was not fair but she never complained, and while we were told at the time that my disability would be life-long, she stuck by my side until I was granted the miracle of my mobility.

If she is not dependent upon you to survive, then you should tell her honestly how you feel and then end the marriage so she doesn't have to live with the shame of holding you back from what you really want in life. If she is dependent upon you for her care, then you need to consider making some arrangements where she will get the care she needs to live.

The two of you made a commitment... 50/50. It is totally unfair for you to throw her out and to discard her like a TV set or a toaster for circumstances beyond her control because she no longer suits your needs.

Maybe she will eventually come to terms that she will be able to parent a child, but what I am hearing here is that you no longer have use for her and are looking for someone to tell you it is acceptable to toss her out with yesterday's garbage.

if my wife weighed 1000 pounds and could not move from the bed, I would love her and care for her until I drew my final breath because we made a commitment before God, her family and mine.

Think about other common ground that bonds the two of you together. Sexual attraction alone will never be a strong enough glue to keep ANY marriage together.
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