Need honest advice on the events that led up today.
1) Wife became depressed almost 2 months ago
2) Took a new role within the company (we both work for the same company in the same building)
3) She said many hurtful things such as; I'm not attracted to you, I don't have feeling for you, I don't like the way you kiss etc etc
4) She admitted she was attracted to guy at work; they would text nonstop all day, night. They went to lunch almost every day.
5) She became very emotional and ended up in rehab for 2 weeks for her depression.
6) She was released and went on short term disability for 6 weeks of therapy.
7) While in therapy her therapist recommended she write a letter to this co-worker stating it’s over and she need to work on her marriage etc. She complied and I was copied.
8) Her therapist recommended she move out of the department she is in and have no contact with this guy. – She did not comply. That’s where my story begins.
Everything has been going great since she went through therapy. She has been very loving and affectionate. We have gone on many trips as a family, we have date nights, sex life is awesome! Even had family photos taken.
The problem I have is that she has not moved out of that department, she said she still has feelings for the guy, but they are diminishing. I asked if they still text and talk and she said yes we still talk but not like we used to. I asked about texting and she said yes. I asked if she is deleting the texts and she said yes. I said what are you hiding? She said nothing. Then why are you deleting the texts? I put my foot down and said do you think taking with him every day is helping or hurting our marriage? She said I’m sure it doesn’t help. She said she would only go out there if it was work related. She said I will just need to TRUST her and know she’s doing the right thing.
Looking for honest advice and support.
Need honest advice on the events that led up today.
1) Wife became depressed almost 2 months ago
2) Took a new role within the company (we both work for the same company in the same building)
3) She said many hurtful things such as; I'm not attracted to you, I don't have feeling for you, I don't like the way you kiss etc etc
4) She admitted she was attracted to guy at work; they would text nonstop all day, night. They went to lunch almost every day.
5) She became very emotional and ended up in rehab for 2 weeks for her depression.
6) She was released and went on short term disability for 6 weeks of therapy.
7) While in therapy her therapist recommended she write a letter to this co-worker stating it’s over and she need to work on her marriage etc. She complied and I was copied.
8) Her therapist recommended she move out of the department she is in and have no contact with this guy. – She did not comply. That’s where my story begins.
Everything has been going great since she went through therapy. She has been very loving and affectionate. We have gone on many trips as a family, we have date nights, sex life is awesome! Even had family photos taken.
The problem I have is that she has not moved out of that department, she said she still has feelings for the guy, but they are diminishing. I asked if they still text and talk and she said yes we still talk but not like we used to. I asked about texting and she said yes. I asked if she is deleting the texts and she said yes. I said what are you hiding? She said nothing. Then why are you deleting the texts? I put my foot down and said do you think taking with him every day is helping or hurting our marriage? She said I’m sure it doesn’t help. She said she would only go out there if it was work related. She said I will just need to TRUST her and know she’s doing the right thing.
Looking for honest advice and support.
Time to read No More Mr. Nice Guy. There is a free PDF online, just search for it. You come across as a very weak person. No wonder she is walking all over you. Man up or be prepared to lose your wife.
The affair will never be dead as long as there is contact in any way, shape, or form.
As long as you can stomach that, carry on as you are.
Also, if it were me, she would never be able to convince me that it never went physical given them taking lunches together, plus giving you the speech about not being attracted to you, etcetera.
Talking to him she admits doesn't help your marriage but on top of this she says that you will have to "trust" her???
I think you need to put your foot down further, like through the floor, and demand that she stops talking to him and that she would have to verify that with her texting records. If not, maybe that would make you free to text, talk to and see other women. I wonder what she would say to that.
Since he is married i would have a man to man discussion and explain in no certain terms that if he wants his wife not know about all of this he might want to stay away, or the next talk will be through HR and his wife.
Good idea but I bet that would backfire. HR would blame you for being a trouble maker and would probably fire you. I definitely wouldn't trust HR with a situation like this. They usually are a bunch of *******s,
I've been in your shoes. I feel your pain. I gave her the boot we got a divorce and I never looked back. ( my kids were about grown , youngest was in last yr of HS ) Now abut every 6-8 months my X contacts me to try and get back together . I just laugh and tell her I'm just fine with my new girlfriend who is much younger and treats me so much better.
IMO life is too short to put with that kind of drama
This is way past infatuation with the co-worker. She doesn't get to delete texts and keep talking to her affair partner and tell you to trust her. She broke the trust, she doesn't get to dictate terms on how to rebuild it.
I know you haven't accepted that she cheated yet. She has been gas lighting you, and because you are eager to believe her it's easy for her to deceive you. When you do discover some shred of evidence, she will let you know she lied because she was protecting your feelings.
So, you don't have a lying cheat for a wife. You have a trustworthy protector of your heart. Or do you? You know, deep in your gut. What do her actions say. What does your gut tell you? Trust that, not her words, or your hope.
Should be fairly easy @coolcory and you don't even have to leave your home. Here is what you do, go into her dirty laundry hamper.
First, check your wife's work clothes for splotches of white semen splatter. Most times they will not fully disrobe and ejaculate will sometimes land on the clothes. Soul mates don't use condoms.
Second, examine her panties. In the crotch area specifically, if you see a crusty white substance, that means she's been aroused and wet in them. This happens after she's been penetrated and quickly puts them back on she will leak a little.
Also her showering or bathing right after work is another flag. Try to get a look at her naked if you can. Check for bruises especially in the arm or legs that look like finger or hand prints like someone was squeezing her. There may bite marks or hickeys as well. Affair sex is typically rough.
There's the road map and a good place to start investigating.
1) Get STD tested
2) See a lawyer
3) Inform your wife that she has one week to move from her department, after that you will present her with D papers if she doesn't
4) Inform the guys wife
5) DO NOT trust your wife. Do not trust one thing she says.
You DIDNT put your foot down. You stated an opinion. Putting your foot down is letting her know that all contact stops, including changing departments or jobs, or you will not stay in the marriage. Period.
QUESTION: If you "work for the same company in the same building", why was she going to "lunch almost every day" with the other man instead of you?
ANSWER: She preferred dating him over dating you.
QUESTION: When she did go to lunch with the other man, why were you not invited?
ANSWER: If you came along it would not really be a date now would it?
You need to man the F-Up and confront this guy and tell his wife. He ruined your life and your marriage so it's time for you to reciprocate. It's time to leave your wife she's a cheater and if she's still communicating with this guy then you've been replaced.
Everything has been going great since she went through therapy. She has been very loving and affectionate. We have gone on many trips as a family, we have date nights, sex life is awesome! Even had family photos taken.
You work at the same place as your wife's OM?
You sit back while he has sex with her during lunch every day?
You know he's married and are too scared tio tell his wife?
You know she's texting him and deleting texts and you accept the "trust me" comment?
Geez, you are doing absolutely nothing to keep this guy away from your wife. She's basically begging you to do something about this by telling you all this crap, but you don't.
I'd just divorce her and find a loyal woman.
It's what I did..... I feel better, too.
And yes, he's been and is likely now banging your wife. And you are an enabler, Posted via Mobile Device
me and other people who answered MIGHT be wrong, but i tend to agree with them - this has gone PHYSICAL. your wife is exhibiting a very common pattern.
based on my own experience, my WW said someting similar to what your wife said :
1) "...you are not and will never be my priority anymore..."
2) "...i will do what i want and for myself..."
it turned out my WW was already in at least 1 sexual affair during the time she said this to me.
with the way your wife is behaving - she is most probably keeping more from you, as i have discovered from my WW. she has lied and is lying to you. she is keeping secrets by deleting those messages. and believe her when she said "she knows what she's doing" - SHE IS MANIPULATING YOU and THE SITUATION. i believe even "depressed" people know right from wrong.
it's up to you if you want to suck it up and wish this would go away. if you go this path, it will be a long and agonizing time. it will eat you up from the inside. it will not go away.
but if you don't want to settle for more lies and deceptions, observe carefully and gather more information. once you have solid evidence, confront her...BUT PREPARE yourself for the worst.
you must decide now WHAT you're going to do once you find out the truth - stay and try to work it out with her, OR drop everything and WALK AWAY for good.
i, too, hoped that it was nothing serious and i'd be able to overcome. then BAM!!!...i was shocked in disbelief. i felt like vomitting. it was hell for me when i found out the truth and i wasn't prepared on what to do next.
think about this VERY CAREFULLY and THOROUGHLY. whichever path you decide to take, pursue it to the very end like hell and don't look back. a half-hearted decision will just prolong your agony.
I agree with the other posters who think this was very definitely a physical (AND emotional) affair.
Her insistence that you have to just trust her to not cheat anymore is ridiculous, considering she IS cheating, every day, and admits to hiding it. It's like a drug user saying you have to trust them not to do drugs when they visit and talk to their drug dealer every day and try to hide it.
I'd be gone yesterday.
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