General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband of two years has been unemployed for 14 months. He was let go because he kept putting off getting his journeymans license and his boss finally let him go (liability issues if he kept him on). Since he and I had purchased a house the 15 months prior, he felt it would make sense to finish the remodel and collect the unemployment for awhile. I agreed since we were making two house payments (one for the remodel house and the other for the house we lived in) and getting the remodel FINALLY done sounded awesome!
Well, fast forward to present day - the remodel is still not finished. We moved in this past summer because we couldn't afford the two house payments with his reduced income. I've been living in a house without a kitchen or competely working bathroom (shower in one half done bathroom, toilet in the other - no sinks in either). His unemployment ran out months ago . . . so I have taken on a second job to try to pay the bills.
He hasn't looked for work at all. I have been applying online for work for him. The few interviews he had didn't pan out and his reaction was "Oh well, the hours were awful and the pay sucked anyway". He doesn't seem to realize that without his license, he is basically a guy with only a high school education. With the job market being so tough, people with Master's degrees are flipping burgers at McDonalds.
I've asked him repeatedly to either get his license or get a job - ANY job - even part time. He says he will but so far nothing has happened. He isn't worried about the bills - he feels if things get really bad, he will go to his parents for money (which I DO NOT want him to do).
I'm working 60+ hours a week, taking care of the household chores, cooking dinners in my basement "McGyver" kitchen (two saw horses, an old door, a crockpot, electric skillet and toaster oven), no running water except the shower and toilet (doing dishes consists of a Rubbermaid container in the shower - wash hair, wash dishes, lather, rinse, repeat) . . . I'm at my wits' end. He's putzing outside raking leaves, helping his Dad fix the lawnmower, painting the garage door - almost anything except working on the kitchen/bath of the house. I've asked nicely, begged, pleaded, yelled, bribed, cried - even kicked him out of the house once! I can't get him to "man-up" and finish the house, get a job, or get his license.
What am I doing wrong? Any advice from someone who has been in a similar situation? I'm tired of taking care of EVERYTHING - it's like I'm the mother and he is the child.
Leave. Stop working two jobs. Let the house go. It's not worth your mental health to work 60 hrs. a week for a house that is not even finished. Stop paying all the bills. Call his parents, tell them what is going on, pack up and spend your money on rent.
You can't force him to do what needs to be done. Take care of yourself. He needs some help. He's most likely depressed as well. I'm so sorry it has gotten this bad in just 2 years. Do you have any kids?
What am I doing wrong? ... I'm tired of taking care of EVERYTHING - it's like I'm the mother and he is the child.
You are supporting his worthless ass, that's what's wrong. Okay, you're tired of living like you're in a third-world country with the half-finished house. You are playing the mother. And he's the child who is milking this for everything it's worth.
Please give yourself the greatest gift you will ever deserve ... dump this piece of s***. Even in this rotten economy, he could get a couple part-time jobs. Why should he, when you are allowing him to sponge off you?
I have two kids from my first marriage. I don't want to go down the divorce road again . . . or screw up my credit and let this house get repo'd just to prove a point. Not only would I not be able to purchase a home for me and my kids again, I would lose all of the equity in the house.
I stand by my comment that your mental health is not worth this.
Can you go stay with his family? Until the house is done? Can his family go over there and finish the renos? He needs some help. Get his family involved, NOW. Tell them what is going on.
There is nothing you can say to him at this point to make him "do" anything. Literally. There is NO magic advice you are missing.
You cannot make someone do things you want them to do.
You need to do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself and your kids. Which is what you are doing already. Working two jobs, paying the bills, surviving in an unfinished house.
If you are not happy with your living situation, then either fnish the reno's yourself, get family to help with it, or leave.
But if you think you can convince your husband to change... you might be waiting a long time.
[QUOTE=deejov;474789] Can you go stay with his family? Until the house is done? Can his family go over there and finish the renos? He needs some help. Get his family involved, NOW. Tell them what is going on. [QUOTE]
I have no family (only child, parents both gone). His parents are both elderly and in bad health. Part of the issue stems from the fact that he lived with them until we married (he was 42 when he moved away from home for the first time) and they "baby" him. I have talked to them repeatedly about encouraging him to finish SOMETHING but they reply with, "He works so hard already" and "He's really trying".
I've considered throwing him out but I don't have the funds/capabilities to finish this house on my own. If I throw him out, I solely own a house with noe bath/kitchen. How is that better? If I move out, the house goes into foreclosure and I lose equity and credit rating.
-Church, group of friends that could help with renos
-Send him packing, advertise for a room-mate, free rent in exchange for finishing the renos
-Ask his parents for the money to finish the renos and hire someone, then kick him out and sell the house
-get his parents to pay for the renos and just keep living like you are
-kick him out, you own the house. borrow the money from his parents and get it repaired. he can go live with them, and look after them since they need help anyways. sounds like the best option
What is the reason he kept putting off getting his license? How long was he warned he would lose his job if he didn't get one? Has this been a pattern with him previously?
Quote:
"Oh well, the hours were awful and the pay sucked anyway."
Although pay may be an issue to some degree, he needs to get a job regardless of the hours. I agree that he may be dealing with depression to have let his job go if he could have easily prevented it.
I have two kids from my first marriage. I don't want to go down the divorce road again . . . or screw up my credit and let this house get repo'd just to prove a point. Not only would I not be able to purchase a home for me and my kids again, I would lose all of the equity in the house.
Any constructive advice out there?
The advice was constructive. It just wasn't what you wanted to read.
If you were divorced before, why on earth wouldn't you choose better the second time?
You couldn't just sell the house? People buy fixer uppers all the time, just like you did.
My husband was out of work for a year. Most people think that he was just lazy, but they don't know the effort he put in to find employment. Hubby is an engineer, yet he still applied for menial work-NOBODY WOULD HIRE HIM.
I have no family (only child, parents both gone). His parents are both elderly and in bad health. Part of the issue stems from the fact that he lived with them until we married (he was 42 when he moved away from home for the first time) and they "baby" him. I have talked to them repeatedly about encouraging him to finish SOMETHING but they reply with, "He works so hard already" and "He's really trying".
Oh my. A lot of this could be his sense of loss of the support he has received from his parents all his life due to their declining health.
Mr. Rightway: When he was a small child, the school put him in special education classes because he couldn't read. Several years later he was diagnosed with this new disease called "dyslexia". The damage to his self confidence, however, was already done. Although he is very intelligent, he still struggles with reading and puts off the testing for the license, IMO, because he is afraid to fail. I've given him every pep talk I can muster - no joy.
FirstYearDown: So it's my fault, huh? I should have chosen better? We dated for seven years before we married just so that I could be sure of this relationship. Maybe next time you can lend me your crystal ball so that I make a better "informed" choice. Thanks for the uplifting talk . . . . [that would sarcasm if you can't read the subtext]
deejov: The room-mate idea has possiblties . . . I'll have to ponder that one. It could work . . . thanks for the out-of-the-box thinking!
Mr. Rightway: When he was a small child, the school put him in special education classes because he couldn't read. Several years later he was diagnosed with this new disease called "dyslexia". The damage to his self confidence, however, was already done. Although he is very intelligent, he still struggles with reading and puts off the testing for the license, IMO, because he is afraid to fail. I've given him every pep talk I can muster - no joy.
There is no success without failure. Unemployment is a big blow to a man's self-esteem. I am not a fan of some of the advice to throw the man under a bridge. Despite his diagnosis he still held a job. How long was he at his former employer?
Quote:
I've considered throwing him out but I don't have the funds/capabilities to finish this house on my own. If I throw him out, I solely own a house with noe bath/kitchen. How is that better? If I move out, the house goes into foreclosure and I lose equity and credit rating.
If he is unemployed and won't get a job, he isn't bringing funds in anyway. If he is still collecting unemployment checks, that is likely why he won't take a job with low pay.
There is no success without failure. Unemployment is a big blow to a man's self-esteem. I am not a fan of some of the advice to throw the man under a bridge.
I agree with this. Your husband messed up to get in this spot and is stuck in a crappy cycle. He needs to get a job like you said, but he is keeping himself from doing that.
He has to man up. Unfortunately, you nagging or telling him again that he needs to get a job won't help. He needs to find it in himself.
Getting a part time job at McDonalds or something will only make him feel worse.
He can do it.
The dsylexia thing can set the tone for a bad childhood and effect you in your life. HOWEVER, at one point, its time to grow up. I have a friend with dsylexia and self destructed his own life because he didn't want to fail. If it wasn't perfect, he would avoid and run and self sabotage.
Keep trying to talk. Be supportive and not a sparring partner.
Unfortunately, there isn't a ton you can do as he is probably pushing you away and sick of hearing about it.
Unemployed hubby acting like a child 
Re: Unemployed hubby acting like a child 
People buy fixer uppers all the time, just like you did.
