I've been perusing these forums for a while now and finally decided to share my story, because frankly I'm out of ideas. Thank you in advance for those that take the time to read and reply.
A little background: Married 7 years, together for an additional 3. We've always had a great relationship, typical ups and downs etc. About four years ago I decided to take my career in a completely new direction- I became a cop (on a side note, best job I ever had and I should have become one much sooner in life-it's a great feeling to actually help someone). I work the midnight shift, 0400-1600 hours Weds-Fri and every other Sat. Those familiar with shift work can attest to how draining it is mentally and physically to flip flop from existing at night when you work to existing at day when you're off- at least if you want to have a semblance of a normal life. I know this job has changed me-I see gut wrenching, horrible things weekly- but I don't think it has changed me as a husband. I am loving, devoted, and provide for our family.Our problem stems from a serious lack of intimacy.
Approximately 3 years ago, my wife apparently went out one night for a "girls night out" and ended up kissing another woman at a strip club. She then waited two years before telling me (our first child was already born at this point). Being in my line of work, I didn't, and still don't, believe that a "kiss" is all that transpired. She didn't think it was a big deal, and did not see it as a violation of our marriage vows, at least not the same way I view it. What bothered me the most was knowing that while I am off working to provide for us, she went and did that.
I never really let it bother me that much-between work and our family my time is pretty well occupied. But I notice now more than ever that we are not being nearly as intimate as I would like. We have sex once a week occasionally, but more often than not it is every couple of weeks, and it feels like it is a duty more than a pleasure, although she always climaxes. She is a stay at home mom, btw. She almost always denies my advances or makes up excuses. She tells me to be spontaneous, but if I draw up a bubble bath with candles and music, then it is only because I want to "get laid" according to her. Mind you, she says that semi-jokingly, but I can't help but feel the accusatory undertone. In all of our years together, I initiate 90% of the sexual encounters. Hell, on our wedding night, she even told me that she was ok if we didn't have sex but felt we should since it was our wedding night (and yes, reading that now is sure sending alarm bells off, hah).
I try to be romantic with flowers, or cooking, but it's usually to no avail. I hate being rejected. As a cop, I'm an Alpha male. I don't need to dominate people or women or anything ridiculous like that, but I would be lying if I said that I hate having my sex drive crushed, and that the feeling of rejection is horrible.
We've talked about this before, and she just doesn't get it. She doesn't understand what it's like to put a bullet proof vest on and walk out the door, not knowing if I'll be coming home that night to see her or my child again. She doesn't seem to understand that I need our home to be a sanctuary away from all the crazy, stupid stuff I have to deal with. She doesn't understand that calling me up at random hours to complain about the baby not falling asleep or telling me what cat peed where doesn't help, either. I know she needs to vent, and I know as her husband it's my duty to listen and console her. But sometimes I can't talk at work, for obvious reasons (i.e. on a call or on my way to a call). And she doesn't understand that there are some nights where I WISH I had to just deal with cleaning up cat pee or putting the baby to sleep instead of working the road.
Anytime I ask for a massage, she rolls her eyes, sighs, and just maybe will begrudgingly rub my shoulders for five minutes, but asking every minute if that is enough. She loves it when I give her random massages all the time, though. According to her, it's always the wrong time- too tired, too late etc. I don't think she understands just how hurtful it is to ask for something as a physical touch (in an asexual manner) and to get rejected or have it appear to be like I am asking a huge favor.
There is no surprises. No running outside to give me a hug and kiss if I am on my way home for a dinner break. Only the occasional "have a safe night". I can't remember the last time that I thought to myself that I was the one she wanted. It sucks to be the pursuer all of the time.
I also know for a while that I was overweight- nothing crazy, but I was carrying some extra luggage around the middle. In the past 5 months, I dropped 50 pounds and got absolutely ripped (I am not bragging, I swear) from 6'2 250 to 200. I am in better shape now than when I was 18. And it shows- the amount of women that hit on me is ridiculous ( I mean that in the least conceited sounding way possible, but am trying to provide a frame of refernce). In other words, I know I look good now-I look great- and she tells me that, but the huge surge in intimacy I expected never happened.
She tells me that for half the week she feels like a single mother- and I agree- but it is so hard to hear. If I could go to days to make her happy and get off the night shift I would, although nights is where the majority of the code calls happen. I hate that she feels that way, and I think she resents me for it. On my days off, I am usually stuck with a long list of things to do, and for the most part I don't mind, nor complain, and I do what I can. But if I just sit around for a few hours and read, watch TV, etc, then it really sets her off. I get the typical "I have to do everything myself" response. Better yet, if I screw something up, she has no problem laying into to about it, even though she knows I never lay into her in a demeaning manner.
Yes, I have told her a couple of times that if she is that unhappy, there's the door, but I don't think I was really serious, and she knows it. Now, however, I think I have reached my boiling point. I am just so sick of the lack of physicallity our relationship has. Does it make me shallow for wanting sex more regularly? I don't know. Even when we talk about having sex "later in the day" or something, it's likely to never transpire. She refuses to make time in the day for intimacy.
Are you sure she always climaxes? Is this through oral sex or vaginal sex that she is supposedly climaxing? Gotta perform oral and one or two fingers pressed against her G Spot (palm facing the ceiling, fingers pressed up, like motioning someone over).
While there are lots of other problems going on in the marriage, at least that's one thing I know how to help out with.
Trust me when I say things can get better.
My husband used to work nights whilst I was at home with the baby. I was tired, he was tired. I would feel like I was doing it alone and he would get frustrated with the constant rejection of advances.
You both need to sit down and have an open, honest discussion about what it is you both need. She may feel things are different to how you're seeing them and you are both frustrated.
Women can't clean a house, look after children and always feel like sex kittens. Once she can feel the emotional connection with you again, intimacy comes back.
Ask her what it is she wants and needs from you. A calm discussion with no accusations, just open communication so you can come back together on the same page.
Don't let it go on too long and let anger take over. You have needs, she has needs.
As long as you still love and desire each other you can get through this together. Your head is at your work, hers is at home and when you come together you both want different things from each other.
Lack of sex and intimacy will drive you apart so don't let that happen. Take control of the situation and find out what it is she wants from you and if she feels she is getting that and is happy, she will feel more willing to be with you.
Take some time out to reconnect and have fun too. Marriage is work so don't give up.
Communication is the key and the rest will follow.
She tells me that for half the week she feels like a single mother- and I agree- but it is so hard to hear. If I could go to days to make her happy and get off the night shift I would, although nights is where the majority of the code calls happen. I hate that she feels that way, and I think she resents me for it.
Any insight is appreciated.
Now, you have posted a long list of what your wife is not doing for you. But, until she feels that she is your number 1 priority in life, she will never do them for you.
The problem is you are investing more of your time and your emotion into your job and placing her second. You rationalize doing this because of the financial aspects, but the reality is a woman does not connect emotionally to the finances you bring home, she connects emotionally to her and the family being put first in your life.
What you must do is to greatly reduce the emotional and time investment in your career, and put your investment of time and emotion in making your wife feel that she is loved and important to you.
Me and OP have a lot in comment. I'm 6'2, 195, and am also ripped. Me and my wife pretty much make love once a week, but can go a couiple weeks without anything, i am also the persuer, and it does feel like a chore. The advice on here is good, as in make her more of a priority, i can say stuff like do more around the house, make her job as equally important as yours, which is acuality it is, since she is raising your child and your home. Try to make listening to her while you are at work not seem like a hasssle.
Sadly... all this... still won't get you laid anymore. Trust me, i've done all this stuff above and more. Nothing has changed. There couild be some inner resentment on her part, but even if that is resolved, that don't mean you will get more booty. At 12 years of marriage, i conclude... this is how things are. Either i deal with it or move on.
What Rob774 is saying could well indeed be the case. Maybe after the kids her sex drive dropped. Could be a dry spell. Could be a forever spell. Depends what your intimate life was like before.
I speak from experience after the birth of my child that my drive dropped for about two years because I was just tired and resentful. And your focus becomes about the kids and the house, and your relationship takes a backseat.
All you can do is try. Try to reconnect, take some time out for the two of you. Talk. Find out what's going on. At least then you'll know you've done everything on your part and if it doesn't work, you can decide what you can and can't live without.
Best of luck