General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'm sure every couple goes through this and now it's our turn...
We've been together for 8 years and married for 2. We have an 11 month old daughter. There has been lots of stress lately with him working tons and his parent's recent divorce after 28 years of marriage. I'm trying to be patient and supportive, but this problem has been going on for pretty much our entire relationship and I don't know if it can be fixed.
I am SO overwhelmed!!! We both work full time. I get up in the morning early, make his lunch and then am responsible for getting baby and I out the door. After work, I pick her up and take care of her until she goes to bed. Hubby and I both cook and fold laundry, but that's about it. I do all cleaning, shopping, washing dishes and laundry, paying bills, and whatever else needs done. When he gets home from work, he watches TV. I ask him to help and he gets crabby or rolls his eyes and is just put out that I asked him to do anything. The other part of this issue is that he is so willing to help family, friends, or work at the drop of a hat. As soon as someone else calls for help, he is out the door. Sex is much less than before the baby, which I know is mostly from me. He is only sweet and cuddly when he wants it even though I've told him I need sweetness at other times too. And I am so tired and exhausted, and frankly not turned on by a man who is so unappreciative and refuses to help my.
What do I do? I've tried thanking him and showing TONS of appreciation but he gets mad that I thank him too much. I've yelled and cried only to be told that I'm over reacting or that he'll help more but that only lasts a week. I tried making him take care of his chores but he says that's not how a couple acts and is bitter the whole time. At this point, I'm lost. Last I told him is to let me know when he is ready to make me a priority. I only feel like a nanny, chef, and maid for him. I try not to bug him to do things for me or even give me affection. If he wants to do something with family or work, I don't tell him I would rather spend time with him myself. I dont' feel like he appreciates what I do and I worry that he is missing out on our daughter growing up.
Any advice and experience is greatly appreciated!!
I think you need to continue asking him for help. Personally, I could care less if my H rolled his eyes so hard that they rolled out the door if I needed help with something and he's just sitting there watching TV.
There has to be a balance in your household. I remember telling my H on a few occasions that I NEED HELP! It took a few tries, but I think he got it. Only time will tell if this is something that can change, until then I would keep reminding him that you both created this child, you both live in this house, you both work hard and you both want and need time to chill, but neither of you should be able to do that if there are things around the house that still needs to get done. As for friends/family, again I would suggest that there are things that you still need around your own house first. Good luck.
Thanks ladies. I have a really hard time asking for help, but that is something I have been working on. We used to both do 15 minutes of cleaning every night, which really was 15 minutes for him and 2 hours for me, but at least he was helping. I'm working on a list though, Thanks! And last night, I asked him to watch the baby and I went downstairs for an hour to work on stuff. I'm trying to ask him to do more through out the day and not clean up after him. Thanks for the help!!
Stop doing anything for him. Make him do his own laundry, his own meals, stop cleaning up for him. When complains tell him you don't have enough time to do everything for everyone. When he is ready to help out (and stick to it) you can discuss an agreed upon division of work. Until then, he is on his own for himself.
I think alot of women go through this you're right. When a baby comes along it's more work for you but sometimes the men (not all of them!) just keep going the same as before. But now you're more exhaused with less time. I found I would complain and ask but then end up doing it myself. So I stopped. Literally handed him the teatowel, or the lil bub for changing if I was doing three things then walked off and didn't go back and take over after five minutes if he wasn't doing it quick enough. Just be firm and don't take no for an answer. He won't do it if he knows you're just going to end up doing it anyway!
Oh, I can totally relate to this. Only in my case, my husband also works out of town 50% of the time leaving me as a single parent for the time he's away. I work full time (also bring home most of the household income), do all of the shopping, getting kids to and from 5 days a week of activities, pay all of the bills, do 95% of the cooking and cleaning (he does do his own laundry after I once complained about how I'd like help with folding and putting away our daughter's or our laundry) and I also prepare, pack and freeze 7 individual meals every week to send with him on his 4 days of work so he has home cooking even when he's away.
Now, to be fair, he has been battling with depression for the past 5 years which is kind of how we got to the place we are now...he couldn't cope with much more than just his job and I gradually took over everything. I am definitely feeling overwhelmed most of the time. We have repeatedly discussed this issue and have tried several things that while they didn't work for us, they may work for you.
I had a weekly schedule up on the fridge with a dry erase pen on which I wrote all chores done by myself, my teenage daughter and what I'd like my husband to do. This would have worked probably except for 2 things...I felt it was just one more thing to add to my plate, and my husband became aggravated at seeing the amount of stuff my daughter and I were doing and how it compared to what he was doing.
We've also tried a time thing...knowing that I put in probably 2-3 hours minimum on work days (more on weekends) he asked me how much time I would like him to put in on household stuff on the days he is home and my response was a minimum of a half an hour. Really, I didn't think this was fair but it would have been more than what he was doing in general before this.
We also at several points discussed specific jobs and one that he volunteered himself was that because I do pretty much all of the cooking (he has only recently started being responsible for one meal a week which is great), he said he would be responsible for the clean up after dinner. This would have helped me a lot, but what ended up happening is that he would either only do some of the dinner clean up or leave it until hours later and I would need to use the kitchen to make our daughter's school lunch and the mess left behind would irritate me so I'd just clean it up.
I'm sure that you can tell from my "tone" that this is a bit of a hot button for me. And I do think now that my husband is seriously working through his depression issues things are on the way to improving, but it's been a long time feeling overwhelmed. Not sure how helpful my post is but maybe one of the things we tried may help you.
I relate 100% to you! My husband thinks his job is so much harder than mine, therefore, he sits on his butt while I do 90%+ of the housework.
I work 50 hour weeks and then when I have my day off, I spend the day cleaning, grocery shopping & taking care of our daughter and I am getting sooo burnt out.
I have tried virtually EVERYTHING. I've tried continuously asking him and it ends in a sh** fest. I have written lists, only for them to be ignored (and me frustrated that I complete all of my tasks, but he doesn't complete his). I even went on a 3 week strike and did NOTHING. His laundry heaped into a pile, and the house smelled horrid. He didn't do anything to help - we didn't even have a clean dish in the house. I couldn't live like that anymore, so ended up cleaning it.
I've even threatened my H that I'm going to quit my job (despite the fact we can't afford it) and be a stay at home wife, since that is what it seems like he thinks I am.
I've tried sitting down and having a serious convo with him. I've even asked him for suggestions... None. He says "I just don't have the time or energy to clean when I am home" and "since you are sitting at a desk all day, and I'm walking around all day at work - you probably have more energy than me" (which is BS, as my job is much more mentally demanding than his)...
It's very frustrating and strains a marriage. I spend our days off pissed at him all day because HE WON'T HELP and I don't know what to do.
If you find something that works for you, please let me know.
I theatened my H that I'm going to quit my job (despite the fact we can't afford it) and be a stay at home wife, since that is what it seems like he thinks I am.
That's what I'd do. The only way I would have kids was if I could stay home and raise them. I would not work and raise young children and take care of the house so my H realized that we'd have to make do on one income..and we did. You can do it if you budget well and do without things like a second car, vacations, etc, etc.
Your H is behaving like a child so it's time for you to act like an adult, stop whining and make some decisions to change the situations because it's apparent that he isn't going to do anything to help you on his own.
Being a proper full time mother to your child is a good start because I can't imagine that you are feeling up to quality child rearing the way things are now, with you working and doing most of the housework and nagging/fighting with your H, when do you find time to be a mother?
Oh, and please don't have any more kids unless you can stay home and raise them yourself and your husband decides to act like a man, not a child.
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
Oh, and please don't have any more kids unless you can stay home and raise them yourself and your husband decides to act like a man, not a child.
That would be great advice if my husband was able to even pay rent and buy food with his own income. However, he is not. I am a bit older than my husband, have a better job than him. I am the breadwinner. I do not think that makes me a bad mother. In fact, I think it makes me a better mother than most because I'm not going to be dependent on my husband and I am a strong, independent woman.
However, I DO want my husband to share chores equally with me.
In regards to having more kids, obviously being on the TAM boards we have marital issues. I would never bring another child in our marriage until the issues are resolved, however, being a working mom is not one of my issues. Having a lazy husband is.
It sounds like you've tried everything you can think of. Have you considered counseling - an objective outside party could help navigate a negotiation...
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
That would be great advice if my husband was able to even pay rent and buy food with his own income. However, he is not. I am a bit older than my husband, have a better job than him. I am the breadwinner. I do not think that makes me a bad mother. In fact, I think it makes me a better mother than most because I'm not going to be dependent on my husband and I am a strong, independent woman.
Ok, then hire a housekeeping service to come in and clean the house once or twice a week. You earn the most money, you call the shots.
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
I've tried sitting down and having a serious convo with him. I've even asked him for suggestions... None. He says "I just don't have the time or energy to clean when I am home" and "since you are sitting at a desk all day, and I'm walking around all day at work - you probably have more energy than me" (which is BS, as my job is much more mentally demanding than his)...
I have heard that argument about comparing jobs. And as Janie suggested, some counseling could help here. If it's not already happening, some resentment could build up and pass over into other areas of your marriage. There is nothing more frustrating than being in the kitchen cleaning up the dinner dishes, etc. and look over to have your H glued to the TV. My H and I have successfully resolved most of the "helping" issues at home, but we also discussed it with our marriage counselor during our reconciliation process. The arguments over who works harder away from the home have halted and it is no longer an issue on the forefront of our marriage. It is worth considering. Perhaps even the mere mention of counseling to your husband because he "doesn't get it" might help him see that the issue is pretty big.
Ok, then hire a housekeeping service to come in and clean the house once or twice a week. You earn the most money, you call the shots.
I have one come in once a month and it's a wonder I didn't do it sooner. Totally worth the $$. They do the entire house both floors, dust, vacuum, clean toilets and bathrooms top to bottom for $120. We do our own laundry... hubby does his own, I do mine, our son does his and has been since he was 10.
OP with a baby, I wouldn't be doing his laundry. He would have to do his own. Clean up after the baby and yourself as much as you can, but not him. He's a grown man, not another child you should have to take care of.
So this weeks I just asked him to watch the baby and I would go do stuff somewhere else in the house. I didn't even go in the same room if I didn't have to. He has been doing much better! I also have been asking him to do more and ignoring any eyerolling and whining. He is out of town for 4 days, so we'll see how it is when he returns.
I have gone on laundry strike before, but that just causes more fighting. I have also suggested that if he refused to help, he needed to find and hire a maid himself. Haven't had to do that, but it is an idea.
Thank you all for your imput- it sounds like a common problem.
Overwhelmed but he won't help 
