Doing some reflecting on my codependency and boundaries, I'd like to bounce some stuff off some other people.
So as a people pleaser I tend to do things out of obligation. I probably went a little far on the spectrum but I tried making a conscious decision not to do anything that I really didn't want to do in my last relationship.
One time I was at my girlfriend's house and I was sitting on her couch. We were getting ready to leave in about 10-15 minutes and I was relaxed and feeling good. She said, "Hey before we go can you move these chairs upstairs?"
For whatever reason I really didn't feel like it, and so I told her, "I don't really feel like it to be honest. Maybe later?"
She got really mad about that and I saw some validity in her comments. Basically her response was that she couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to help her and that I was being selfish. That sometimes being in a relationship means doing things you don't necessarily WANT to do but you do it anyway.
Now the last part is kind of hogwash to me, because there were clearly times in the relationship before and after that where I was clearly doing something that I didn't really want to do, but did it because I wanted to please my partner (ie dishes, taking out trash, etc.). However, at this specific moment in time, my desire to not move the chairs outstripped my desire to please her.
So I ask you people of TAM, how do you feel about this? Was my refusal to move the chairs a problem? Should I have done it even though I didn't want to? Am I just immature? Was this a crossing of my personal boundary that should have been a red flag?
So as a people pleaser I tend to do things out of obligation. I probably went a little far on the spectrum but I tried making a conscious decision not to do anything that I really didn't want to do in my last relationship.
One time I was at my girlfriend's house and I was sitting on her couch. We were getting ready to leave in about 10-15 minutes and I was relaxed and feeling good. She said, "Hey before we go can you move these chairs upstairs?"
For whatever reason I really didn't feel like it, and so I told her, "I don't really feel like it to be honest. Maybe later?"
She got really mad about that and I saw some validity in her comments. Basically her response was that she couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to help her and that I was being selfish. That sometimes being in a relationship means doing things you don't necessarily WANT to do but you do it anyway.
Now the last part is kind of hogwash to me, because there were clearly times in the relationship before and after that where I was clearly doing something that I didn't really want to do, but did it because I wanted to please my partner (ie dishes, taking out trash, etc.). However, at this specific moment in time, my desire to not move the chairs outstripped my desire to please her.
So I ask you people of TAM, how do you feel about this? Was my refusal to move the chairs a problem? Should I have done it even though I didn't want to? Am I just immature? Was this a crossing of my personal boundary that should have been a red flag?