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Reason for high rate of second marriage divorces

4K views 55 replies 23 participants last post by  questar1 
#1 ·
There has been a lot of studies into why second marriages (like my own) end up in divorce. My stbx sent me an online book about being a Stepmonster, as if, that somehow related to her. In my perspective, it didn't, except for the things she did. It got me thinking that, the simplest answer is probably the most likely correct.

The reason why second marriages fail so often is because the likelihood that one of the idiots who destroyed the first marriage joined up I to another marriage and didn't fix their ****.

Marriage 1 failure:
Person 1: 50% average blame
Person 2: 50% average blame

Marriage 2 failure:
Odds of having at least 1 person who caused their first marriage to fail is 1-(.5*.5)=.75 or 75%
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#2 ·
Two of the biggest reasons for second divorces and children and money.

Blending families and finances is an extremely difficult thing to do and IMHO too many people just rush in without taking into account all the different personalities and needs. We sought professional guidance before taking big steps and the best advice was to take it very slowly and wait at least 12 months before introducing children to new partners and their children. Then to wait at least 3 years before considering blending families and marriage.

There needs to be very open and honest communication, both parties need to understand the others boundaries, understand their place in the pecking order of life and to be mostly on the same page when it comes to children and finances.

Step parenting can be a minefield if people let it be. I had great SP's so had good examples of what to do. In our home we do not discipline each others kids, we are there as support adults. We have a blended family of 5 teens that live 50/50 with their other bio parent. We can have all in family time or we can each have time alone with our own kids. Everyone is expected to help with the running of the household and the biggest rule we have is that respect for each other is a non negotiable.

We have both combined and separate money and assets as it is important to both of us that our pre relationship assets are there for our own bio children. This was all set up before blending families, no stress, no worries and it is all very fair.

It can be very challenging but if it works well then it is a great opportunity to have a great family life again post first divorce.

But of course all the hard work in the world means nothing if the two adults have not done the work to be healed and whole from the first marriage/divorce.
 
#3 ·
I am sure there is a lot to what you are saying. Many people, most in fact, never do the hard work of fixing what ever was wrong with them (and we all have or faults), Instead they are afraid to be alone and jump into the next relationship. There are quite a few people here who just can't wait to get married again, as if they NEED to be married. Instead of looking inside they go looking for the next latest and greatest. Then when it all falls apart thye just keep blaming the other person.
I was my ex-wife's second. Looking back she jumped into a relationship with me before the ink was even dry on her papers from the first divorce. I doubt (know just sounds so spiteful) that she never did the hard work of fixing what was wrong with her. In the end she reverted to her tried and true and skeedaddled off with no explanation. Shame on her, but good for me. I am better off! Unlike her I took the time to look inwards. I seriously doubt that I will ever marry again. not because I don't believe in love, but because I don't believe in marriage.
 
#19 ·
Yet!
I sincerely hope his marriage lasts forever. At 17 years no one, especially me ever imagined that my marriage would end. But t it did just shy of our 24th anniversary. Enjoy it while it lasts, if it happens to last til the end even better.
 
#7 ·
They are not the same population.

People who will never get divorced, no matter what, obviously will never end up in a second marriage other than by being widowed.

Now for an anecdote: I was married to my first wife for 10 years, most of them not that great. I've been with my second wife for over 20 years and expect death us to part.
 
#14 ·
And I am thankful mine did... after i walked in on them in our apartment she said her cheating surprised even her.

Some things end blissfully sudden...
 
#11 ·
My therapist said chances are, my ex-wife didn't learn from the mistakes she made from her first marriage and brought it over to our marriage. According to her, she did nothing wrong in her first marriage and he was crazy and angry. She also didn't do anything at all in our marriage to cause our divorce, so she's just an innocent bystander. The therapist said she will continue to fall into this trap until she comes to terms of what she did to cause her share of the blame within both marriages.
 
#16 ·
I've read that neither of those stats are accurate. The picture is much more optimistic.

2nd marriages don't need to be less successful than 1st if, as you said, the problems from the first are addressed. People have a tendency to walk into 2nd relationships before they have had time to figure out what killed the first one.

The solution is to wait for a few yrs before getting into a serious relationship and work out personal issues.
 
#20 ·
I've read that neither of those stats are accurate. The picture is much more optimistic.

It is? "Past statistics have shown that in the U.S. 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce

2nd marriages don't need to be less successful than 1st if, as you said, the problems from the first are addressed. People have a tendency to walk into 2nd relationships before they have had time to figure out what killed the first one.
I don't think the OP said every second marriage NEEDS to end in divorce, the OP suggested most do and statistics support this.
The solution is to wait for a few yrs before getting into a serious relationship and work out personal issues.
IMO time itself is not the issue. The issue is the lack of time spent learning the lessons required of you by the universe.
 
#18 · (Edited)
My first marriage lasted nearly 14 years.

Then after divorcing her for infidelity, and 6 years of being single yet again, I remarried largely thinking that I had found the marital security that I had always thought existed with the right person!

Well, that second marriage ended 7 years strong, once again to covert cheating on my RSXW's part!

So after batting 0 for 2, with covert infidelity, among other things, being the game-ender in both relationships, and with the second marriage being shorter by roughly half, you'll have to excuse this old fart for being just a tad jaded for not actively seeking a third marriage that I feel would probably be predisposed to the exact same fate, with yet another "shelf-life" factored by half of what the preceding one was!

So like a lot of others, has my mistrust in finding lasting companionship in a loving faithful marriage become well established? I really think that it has!

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#22 ·
I think there are two possible reasons:
1) one or both did not learn important lessons from their first marriage, and continue their mistakes
2) once you realize that divorce can be survived by having done it once, you're even less willing to put up with a lot of crap before bailing the next time
 
#25 ·
There are some 1st marriages where the only real issue was "Incompatibility".. foolishly they over looked things they would not be able to live with long term..

Once they got with someone more in tuned with their emotional & physical needs.. the 2nd marriage was heaven sent.. I say this about my dad & step mom.. . they married within a week of their divorces... talk about the ink drying..never looked back.. I can't imagine either of them being with someone else... they bring out "the best" in each other..

That's what a couple needs to look for in a mate...before walking down the aisle.
 
#30 ·
My observations of 2nd marriages I've been in contact with..

The W oftens seems to compares the current H to the exH, the current H can be found lacking in certain areas, and this can lead to profound dissatisfaction.

Perhaps it due in some part to the desire to reclaim what we have lost being stronger than the desire to maintain what we have. Which is why gamblers keep trying to win it back.

I read somewhere the "divorce is merely an exchange of one set of problems for another set of problems.", perhaps many see the 2nd marriage as sweeping away the problems from the divorce only to encounter a 3rd set of problems.

Some percentage of 2nd marriages are also affairages and those statistically don't do well, which would also skew the outcomes.

Tamat
 
#35 · (Edited)
@arbitrator
You don't have to get married when you find someone you feel has long term relationship potential.

You said many times that you are not dating. I don't understand why you are not even trying. I've read your posts for years and it is obvious that you have all the qualities of a desirable partner.

I'll bet you've had women approach you? You can date without expectation of a LTR.

Were there any red flags in your two relationships that might have indicated a potential for deception?

You have the benefit of a group of TAM friends who can help you fix your picker should you decide to date. :)
 
#36 · (Edited)
@arbitrator
You don't have to get married when you find someone you feel has long term relationship potential.

You said many times that you are not dating. I don't understand why you are not even trying. I've read your post for years and it is obvious that you have all the attributes of a desirable partner.

I'll bet you've had women approach you? You can date without expectation of a LTR.

Were there any red flags in your two relationships that might have indicated a potential for deception?

You have the benefit of a group of TAM friends who can help you fix your picker should you decide to date. :)
No red flags, per se! Of course, in the first few years of a new relationship/marriage, you are normally blind to such maladies!

I have actually been approached by a couple of ladies at church, but they were either not attractive, gave off vibes of being excessively money-oriented, or had the tendency to "run their mouths" a tad too much!

I am on a couple of dating websites, but no one on them really attracts me, and I'm scared crapless that if someone there does picque my interest, that it will be "deja vu all over again!"

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#40 ·
My opinion another big factor on second marriage failure is the loss of fear. Many people stay in unhappy marriages because they:
Fear being alone
Fear a change in lifestyle
Fear a change in income
Fear alienation of children
And so on

Many of these things just aren't present in second marriages and so their is no big scary, no abyss, no fear to cut your losses and say oh well time to move on.
 
#41 ·
I agree with you Wolf but have found out something very odd in my own situation.

It was a very serious step introducing MrH to my kids, all others before him were casual and the kids knew I was dating but no details. Over the years they have built a great relationship with him. We have had some pretty rough patches and during those times it is the thought of my kids going through another break up that has been in part what helped me to rebalance and work hard to maintain a great relationship with MrH. Not saying I would ever stay in a relationship bc of my kids but at the times I have felt a bit fed up (with external issues such as his ex) I think of the blended family we are building and how I don't want them or me to lose that.

Caveat, this is a relationship worth investing in, if it were not a quality relationship the kids relationship with my partner would have no influence.
 
#56 ·
To add to the confusion of applying meaningful statistics, one person's second marriage (or more) may be the other's first, second, third, or nth. One might try just adding up all the marriages present: I'm on my third, H on his first, so we have four marriages present. Or, give it a code--W3H1. Like that.

My 2c worth: Yes, I am more likely both to call it a day if I recognize the presence of utter failure, but at the same time I have an abiding respect for the intrinsic value of marriage and will go down swinging. As for H, he's a one-note Johnny, married late in life because "you only do it once." So on the days I give up, he just....doesn't.

Lots of factors go into marital longevity.
 
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