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Appreciation

4K views 56 replies 15 participants last post by  sixty-eight 
#1 ·
I feel like appreciation is the key to a happy marriage. People are willing to go out of their way to do nice things For one another if they are appreciated. I would even go so far and say, people actually like to go out of their way to make their spouse happy IF it's appreciated. The problem is, expectation and lack of appreciation.

I think this is a common problem but here it goes... I don't FEEL appreciated by my husband for the work I do around the house, especially for him. We both work full time. (He works way more than me). I do all the cleaning, all the laundry, all the cooking. I appreciate him. I show him appreciation. He does not do the same to me.

Today's situation.... He was working in the morning. Our house is so gross and needed to be cleaned, deep cleaned. I was doing all the laundry, 5 loads of just clothes plus the sheets, pillow cases, bathmats, shower curtains. I cleaned the kitchen. And between folding laundry I was deep cleaning our neglected bathroom. I scrubbed the sh*t out of the bathtub twice, now it is sparkling clean and has never been so white. I was left a sweaty mess from the scrubbing (it's hard!) i texted my husband about what a productive morning I had and everything I did, and was doing, and my plans to try to deep clean, and de clutter the house this weekend. He didn't respond but came home shortly. So when u walk into the house there are a couple bags of garbage from all my cleaning, laundry folded in different piles according to what it is, and a pile of new clean clothes to fold. The washer and dryer are running Bc I'm obviously doing more laundry. I am wearing shorts and a t-shirt, I literally have sweat on my shirt from sweating from scrubbing the shower. There is no mistaking I have been working hard. Anyway, he walks in and doesn't say anything about the obvious scenery. I told him in a proud way look at how white that bathtub is. He goes in, says wow. Then comes back out and gets some food, sits on the couch and puts on the tv and watches soccer. I ask about him day blah blah. He shortly gets a call from the hospital and he needs to go back in. So he kisses me and leaves. I go on and continue cleaning the bathroom. When I come out, I realized he left his food/plate on the coffee table. And as he walked out, he didn't take out any of the garbage that is sitting there and obviously needs to be taken out. (I don't really care about the garbage, but it hurt my feelings that he left the food/plate out for me to obviously clean up)

For me, I don't mind doing all this stuff IF he shows me a little more appreciation and respect for it. But he doesn't. I've talk to him about this and he says... I'm sorry and I appreciate you. We have had this conversation a million times, and the difference between saying u appreciate someone when confronted vs showing someone you appreciate them continuously. Nothing changes. Part of me wants to make him do his own laundry, and give him a honey do list and make him do that stuff. But I am really trying to avoid treating him like a child, I feel we have a parent child relationship already. This lack of respect/appreciation is causing problems for me and making me unhappy and resentful. I know that he is not going to wake up one day and show me appreciation. My goal is that he realizes how important it is to feel appreciated and does it. What can I do to make him appreciate me?
 
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#2 ·
Hi KC,

By now you must be familiar with the love languages. Acts of Service. "I do all the cleaning, all the laundry, all the cooking. I appreciate him. I show him appreciation." What are your H's love languages? I do all those same with my wife. She ONLY cares about Quality Time (and physical touch, but that is a long story). So, in my case while I am doing all those things, I get NEGATIVE points for NOT spending time with my wife in bed watching movies on Netflix.

Let's face it. He does not care about all those chores. Probably would not notice if the tube was scrubbed cleaned or not. It is the way he is wired and cannot change. Just like you cannot change trying to change him.

"What can I do to make him appreciate me?" My response to that is to give him divorce papers. If that does not make him appreciate you, nothing will.
 
#3 ·
But I am really trying to avoid treating him like a child, I feel we have a parent child relationship already.
HI, I know all too well what a workout scrubbing the tub is! You are right. You already have a parent child relationship because you do all of the chores. Stop giving him your creature comforts. What would he do if he were a bachelor? Don't do his laundry for starters. He's an adult he can do his own. I've been in 3 serious relationships in my life and every guy did his own laundry. I didn't set a precedent by doing it. Why the hell should i do it? Doesn't compute. That dish he left on the coffee table? You should've left it there for him to pick up. As for the trash, why didn't you ask him to take it out on the e
Way back to the hospital? I think @turnera has some tips for you. I recall something about her husband's dirty socks lol.

Seriously though. Quit doing so much for him. He's a big boy.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk
 
#4 ·
I think showing Appreciation is HUGE in our marriages.. this is a really good thread to lay this out..

>> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/39565-validating-your-spouse.html

Though I can see where @blueinbr is coming from too... we are more apt to speak or show our appreciation for those things that WE care about the most...my love languages are Time & Touch....so I show more appreciation for those things.

You said:
We both work full time. (He works way more than me). I do all the cleaning, all the laundry, all the cooking. I appreciate him. I show him appreciation. He does not do the same to me.
With his working WAY more than you (how many hours a week?) .. I wouldn't be one to tell you -to stop doing what you are doing... but I surely agree with you... that it'd go a long way -if he could somehow be tuned in to expressing his appreciation more so..

What are His primary Love languages , this may be a way to connect with him, speaking about HIS -while bringing up your own.. you long for more "Words of affirmation" ....where he doesn't seem to "get" that this is uplifting, encouraging to others, brightening their day.....you probably give him plenty.. it's a case where he takes it for granted I bet... we generally GIVE what we crave ourselves.. though some are just selfish & suck it all up.. hopefully he's not one of those.. but just missing it, not realizing HOW MUCH this matters to you.

Here is the online test....
Love Languages Personal Profile




 
#5 ·
Have you read my laundry story yet? My H was your H (still is for the most part but only because I didn't CONTINUE what I'm about to tell you). I'm the female, it's my job to replace his mother and it's his job to do what's fun for him.

So my IC told me that I'm about to have a nervous breakdown, I need to get him to take ONE chore off my hands just so I can know he will do it, that he cares. So I ask him, right? He says no! He says he has a weird schedule, never knows when he'll be home, he can't promise to do ANYthing. I was appalled.

So I sit and stew on it a few days. Then I think I'm going to take one chore off my list anyway. What's one chore that will matter the least to ME? Answer: his clothes.

So I just stop doing his clothes. He has a ton. It takes him about a month to run out of clean clothes, and he comes up to me, all angry, what the hell's the matter with you, why aren't my clothes clean?! I just shrugged and said "I asked you to take ONE chore off my shoulders, I would do the rest, and you refused. So I decided to take off the chore that doesn't affect me - that would be your clothes, since I don't wear them." And then I left and went to do something else in the house.

A few hours later, I heard him fixing something that I'd been asking him to fix for about two years. So I did one load of laundry for him. He noticed, but didn't say anything. Later that day, he fixed something else. So I did another load of laundry.

Unfortunately, I didn't continue to react that way and he went back to his usual ways - and that is MY fault for continuing to meet all his needs whether he meets mine or not.

YOUR job is to stop meeting all his needs if he refuses to meet yours. That's called self respect. And it teaches HIM to respect YOU as a result.

If you continue doing everything for him regardless, you only have yourself to blame.
 
#6 ·
As for him leaving stuff all over the house, I admit I get a little spiteful when it comes to that. He leaves a dirty Qtip somewhere (gross)? I pick it up, yes, because it's disgusting. But I go to his sink and throw it in his sink (which I never touch anymore). He leaves dirty socks in the living room? I pick them up and throw them on the floor in front of his sink so HE has to stand on dirty clothes or else put them where they belong. If he gets a 2-foot stack of dirty clothes in front of his sink cos he's a baby and won't put them in the hamper? Not my problem. If he throws them in the middle of the room? THEN I pick them up and throw them in the trash. There are hangers on the floor in the closet in front of HIS cabinets so that HE has to stand on them to get his next shirt out instead of in the bathroom where he dropped them.

Get the picture?
 
#17 ·
I did NOT get the picture.

I got the Negative......black.. mirror image.



This struck home....not like a lightning bolt...more a whumpa-dump.

What a way to live.....I do some of the things that your husband does.

But I make up for my messiness. I am a FIX IT ALL husband. I love projects, immerse myself in them. Carpentry [rough and finish], Electrical, Plumbing, Auto Repair, Concrete work, Painting, Welding, Machining.

The house is neat and clean except for the basement, garage and attic.....no, I cleaned up the attic. I need more space to store my stuff.

Junk mail does both of us in. We are buried in it. She will not allow me to throw it out unless our names are off of it, or we shred it first. I bought a commercial $100 dollar shredder for her.
 
#8 ·
God, I hope so.

I think I am nearing it, though. We are about to have a financial meltdown, I showed him an option, as usual he found a way around it because it would require him sacrificing something he doesn't want to give up, and I am mad as hell; haven't talked to him since Monday. I'm waiting for something to happen in a few days about it (waiting on info); we'll see what happens then. My brother has offered for me to stay with him (because of this money thing), so at least I have a way out now.

ETA: But I AM going through my stuff in the house, getting rid of things so that if I choose to walk away, it will be easier. So I am on a path now.
 
#18 ·
Ok, then I have two jobs for you. Ok, three. First, make an appointment with a qualified therapist. Second, while you're waiting, read the book The Dance Of Anger to learn how to stop being a Giver. Third, attend your first IC session and set up recurring monthly or biweekly appointments for at least the next year.

If I had done that the first few years of my marriage, my whole life would be different. I didn't go for 15 years and by then, I was too depressed, pathetic, and afraid to make any real changes.
 
#14 ·
Thanks Matt!
@Blondilocks I partially agree with you. However I just think he loves to work and he will always want to work a ton. I have worked with a couple surgeons like this before. The reality is... He can if he wants to. He can make time for me and appreciate me if he wants to. He makes time for things that are important to him. I am training for a half marathon ok, I've been training for a month or so. He will run a half marathon in one day (13.1 miles), Just randomly. Like every couple weeks or so he will be like ok well I'm going to go run a half... I swear just to be a ****. (This seems like a random story but the point is he will make time to run 13.1 miles in a single day but he's too tired to stay awake and watch a movie with me, or do chores with me).

I finally put my foot down today. I told him I'm sick of hearing I'm sorry, and if he doesn't change (Bc what I'm asking isn't too much), then I want a divorce Bc there is no point to a marriage like this.
 
#15 ·
Now I'm thinking about how to plan my escape incase it gets to that. Sadly I have been maxing out my school loans to pay for our "luxurious" lifestyle aka him driving around in new infinities and bmws while I drive a **** old car to save money, and stay home and clean and do his laundry. Wow I sound sad. I am getting one more large sum school loan, I already told him I am opening up my own account and putting the money in there so I can control it.
 
#24 ·
@turnera, are you sure we're not married to same man. I went outside and walked my fence line. He has tied broken fence poles with string. AYFKM? Had a leak on my roof for 7 years. Ruined my childhood bed. Finally fixed because I was finding mold all over the place. Everything he has done here is half-a**ed.

Yep, I know what you're going through and I'm so sorry. Good for you for having an exit plan.
 
#26 ·
Oh believe me, I know it's completely stupid. The first IC I saw, 15 years into the marriage, talked to me about my childhood. When I finished, she said "So basically, you were trained by your parents and your brother to shut up, never ask for anything, accept bad treatment, and never expect better."

Add to that to deal with Toxic Shame and to fear confrontation beyond all others. It's all I know.

And, as low-self-esteem people do, I chose (or attracted) one User after another, and then married one. Add in HIS dysfunction (alcoholic father, schizophrenic mother), and we were destined to be a mess. And the stronger person won.

I'm trying to fix things, but after nearly 60 years of being the subservient, it's slow, scary, and aggravating to achieve change.
 
#28 ·
Goodness, one will not change for others until they humble-down and see themselves as they truly are, then they can say "I now see the person you see and I do not want to be that", and mean it because it is hard work. Therein lies the measure of respect and love (and in that order) because if one respects, and in that respect has love, one would find a way to move mountains... or at least start with socks and dishes and work up to mountains.

Sadly, many take second, third, or tenth place in a selfish queue.

All I know is I respect every one of you in this thread...
@katiecrna, another "sorry" is easily translated as "so what", and you are right... there is no point to a marriage like that so if you cannot open his mind, you are going to have to force him to weigh the amount of love in his heart.
 
#31 · (Edited)
I've been on and off antidepressants several times. The first time, I told H about it and he was 'embarrassed' that I had to take them, and told me to stop - and I did. Fifteen years later, I'm at least at the point where I can say 'so what,' thanks to IC, and keep taking ADs.

Benefits? I have stopped having panic attacks at being over $150,000 in debt and no job. Mind you, I quit my dream job and I've changed jobs five times in 15 years to earn more money and cover the growing debt while he's changed jobs five times and earned less each time. Until I got laid off 2 years ago and he got laid off a month later. Only HE got an offer from a client to start a business, and he's doing pretty well. Meanwhile, I've been struggling to earn some money. And the first time I dared to call him out on not fixing something around the house he promised to fix, the first thing out of his mouth? "Well, at least I am earning money!"

Really?

When my IC told me I needed ADs, she said it's not a personal failure; it's a result of years of pretending to be happy when you're not, using up your body's 'store' of happiness chemicals, until you're finally just out of 'happy,' and you need a pill to kickstart it, to re-prime the pump of happiness. So no issue with it.

At this stage, I really need more therapy but I can't afford it. I went to the doctor this week ($1100/month HMO, the only plan I could afford, being unemployed) and with $15,000 deductible and $65 a visit, I ONLY went because I needed my next three months of ADs prescription, and because I have a hand injury from helping H with his business. Doctor prescribed me a visit to a neurologist to fix my hand numbness problem, but I couldn't even afford the GP visit, let alone the neurologist visit (had to charge it, more debt). And I had to tell them that when they called me the next day to schedule the appointment. So humiliating.
 
#36 ·
At some point, one has to remove the toxic to survive... @katiecrna, there are lessons in this, but ultimately the choice is yours and thus my mantra: There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it.
 
#35 ·
Katie, if your H is still training to be a Dr, that is a very demanding career and I don't think it will get better when he is fully qualified though you will benefit from more money, but maybe less time. You have to figure out now do you want to be the Drs wife who rarely sees him, but the go to person for everything.
Tunera's advice is priceless and you can go one step further, make your life easier, learn from him, take care of your own stuff, let him see you are not his skivvy anymore.
This may be temporary cause when he has more money maybe you can employ a cleaner to help at home? Could you employ a cleaner now? Keep your own money, do not help him financially and use the money to lighten your own load. If he complains tell him, he can sacrifice his high life to help out otherwise STFU.
 
#37 ·
This may be temporary cause when he has more money maybe you can employ a cleaner to help at home? Could you employ a cleaner now? Keep your own money, do not help him financially and use the money to lighten your own load. If he complains tell him, he can sacrifice his high life to help out otherwise STFU.
++++++++1!
"HE" can spend the money for a cleaner... take it away from his fancy autos.
 
#38 ·
My (soon to be divorced) marriage seems very similar to yours OP, at least structurally. He has a high stress job as a restaurant manager in a national chain, lots of pressure and long/irregular hours. We have 2 kids, and I also worked (not as much as him) plus all the cooking, cleaning, child raising, etc.

He didn't appreciate me at all, and did all the same things as you and turnera describe. Qtips, clothes on the floor, laundry, dishes everywhere, not helping fix anything or with any regular household chores. It wasn't uncommon for me to get out my own tools and use youtube after the children went to be to fix things around the house. He would appropriate funds (on the grounds that he was the bigger earner) and do whatever he wanted, without discussion. Sometimes not paying bills, or racking up debt. I was a big doormat, a lot of the time.

Finally after much discussion, emailing, talking about our problems (which he ignored, or demeaned me for), I left.
Now, he is desperately trying to get me back and voluntarily doing things that i wanted him to do when we were married (therapy, getting clean and sober, going to the doctor). I guess it took us leaving for him to realize that I was serious, and for him to appreciate me.

Trouble is, i waited until i was all done/completely fed up to leave. no love left and no chance of us ever working out.
Now, i wish i would have left when i still loved him. Maybe we could have worked things out or at least gone to therapy, given it a try.
 
#39 ·
Trouble is, i waited until i was all done/completely fed up to leave. no love left and no chance of us ever working out.
Now, i wish i would have left when i still loved him. Maybe we could have worked things out or at least gone to therapy, given it a try.
There are so many powerful lessons in this set of statements... the learning and pain just doesn't seem fairly balanced at times even though we know nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.
 
#40 ·
Yeah, you may want to research "walkaway wives," which is what we are describing - the wife puts up with SO MUCH, for years and years and years, instead of standing up for herself and demanding more (since most women aren't raised to be combative and there's still a double standard). And we literally just fall out of love with the person causing us all the pain. So by the time we leave, there is no chance in hell we would ever choose to be with that person again.

And the man has been oblivious to the whole thing because we continue to meet his needs, so he's a happy camper, right? And I think men are 'trained' to expect a b*tchy wife and to just ignore whatever she gripes about.

And that is why I've been telling you to stop doing things for him. Demand respect. You won't take care of me? Well guess what? I won't take care of you either until you wake up.

You still have time to turn your marriage around, but you MUST change what you're doing.
 
#41 ·
And we literally just fall out of love with the person causing us all the pain. So by the time we leave, there is no chance in hell we would ever choose to be with that person again.

And the man has been oblivious to the whole thing because we continue to meet his needs, so he's a happy camper, right? And I think men are 'trained' to expect a b*tchy wife and to just ignore whatever she gripes about.

And that is why I've been telling you to stop doing things for him. Demand respect. You won't take care of me? Well guess what? I won't take care of you either until you wake up.

You still have time to turn your marriage around, but you MUST change what you're doing.
Yes. so much yes. The only motivator that was strong enough for him to change was for me to leave (i see this now, in hindsight)
I felt like leaving was giving up on us. So I trapped myself in a vicious cycle.
Plus, I was teaching him to disrespect me. No matter what he did, i always caved and stayed, or came right back. So, he came to believe i would never leave no matter what he did and acted accordingly.

That man was SHOCKED to discover that I took off after he assaulted me in the middle of the night. He honestly expected me to still be there, making dinner, just like always. Because that's what i had taught him about myself. He's still shocked 10 months later that i haven't "gotten over it yet".

leaving may not mean he appreciates you and wants you back, but it certainly tells you where you stand with them, priority-wise.
 

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#42 ·
But how do you just stop taking care of those things? I think the OP is living my life too, other than my husband doesn't work substantially more time than I do. And I still do all the work. I honestly don't think I could stand my house if I stopped taking care of his "Magic Clothes" and picking up after him.
 
#44 ·
@NobodySpecial that's a good idea. I can't stand living in a messy house and my husband obviously doesn't care. When we were dating he wouldn't even put pillow cases on his pillows, and never washed his sheets. Barf! He always sent him clothes home so his mom can wash them, and when he got them back he never unpacked them and just took them out of the basket when needed. I will start to put his stuff in his own special bin!
 
#52 ·
You're about to live my life -- or what my life used to be.

For many decades, my ex-husband focused only on his very demanding career while I dealt with everything else in our lives (and worked full-time). Then serious heart issues (his) entered the picture and I stepped up the pace even more. Exhausting doesn't begin to cover what my life was like but what made me divorce him was cheating and not the rest of it. However, I should have divorced him within the first few years when it became obvious how my life was going to play out -- and before we had a child to consider. But I didn't believe in divorce then. Now I do.

There are people who will change and there are people who will not. The trick is figuring out early on which one you're dealing with. I guessed wrong and lost decades I obviously can't get back.

Love alone can't make a marriage. I thought it could.
 
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