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I just met two guys I had a fling with in the past

48K views 375 replies 68 participants last post by  Wolf1974 
#1 ·
Hi everybody. I'm not married (yet) but I hope to be with the man I'm now with. We've been together for almost 14 months and for the first time in my life I'm in a relationship that is great and I think I have finally found my soul mate.

So here's where I would like some advice please.

I have always been what I guess would be called a good girl. About two years ago I sort of changed and had a wild phase for a bit. That ended completely when I met my now very serious boyfriend.

This past weekend we were at some friends' party with many other people. I recognized two guys. They were guys I slept with during that phase. I think they recognized me (but I'm not positive) even though they didn't say anything.

So my question is, should I tell my boyfriend about it? I thought about keeping quiet but I don't want to be in an awkward situation later on if we see these guys again and they say something.

My man doesn't know about my wild phase. I've only told him about other relationships that I've had in my life. So what is the best thing for me to do here? Thanks a lot for your help.
 
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#8 ·
The thing is that even though those two guys are not our friends or in our immediate social circle, he does know them sort of tangentially. So we could run into them again. And the first guy is a bit of a jerk so he might tell stories. I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting. It's just that my guy doesn't know about that time before him and would probably not be thrilled
 
#7 · (Edited)
I don't have an answer for you, but I'd suggest you read the very very long thread titled: "she did it with others but won't with me."

Will this be your hubby in a couple years? Will he wonder why you hid the "wild side" and didn't tell him. Will it lead to distrust?

I'm the hubby in this situation. I'm getting plain vanilla when in the past she's offered up a full-on chocolate Sunday with cherries and sprinkles on top. And, no she didn't actually tell me. After knowing each other 10 years and married for five, it just slipped out in a discussion about something unrelated.

Try to consider it from his viewpoint. If you know him well enough to marry him, you'll know him well enough to know what he'd think about a lie of omission.
 
#10 ·
This past weekend we were at some friends' party with many other people. I recognized two guys. They were guys I slept with during that phase. I think they recognized me (but I'm not positive) even though they didn't say anything.
He introduced me to his friend and the three of us got intimate together which is soooooo completely not me!
I'm pretty sure they would recognize the girl they double teamed. I doubt it happens all the time.

Spider senses tingling......
 
#19 ·
No, I for sure do not say no to my guy. Why would I?! We're just fine in bed without going all crazy stupid. And when I did go stupid with those guys it was completely out of character for me. So if I tell my guy he'd be shocked so that's why I thought to keep quiet. But if one of the guys talks it would be worse I guess
 
#24 · (Edited)
You need to tell him since these guys are going to show up from time to time. But brace yourself because some guys apparently cannot handle this kind of thing.
 
#25 ·
You need to tell him since these guys are going to show up from time to time. Be brace yourself because
SOME
of guys apparently cannot handle this kind of thing.
OP lots of guys on here have attitudes that do not reflect my reality at all. If you man is anything like my husband, he will say "Oh", and that will be that. Don't let the guys on here freak you out.
 
#35 ·
So my question is, should I tell my boyfriend about it? I thought about keeping quiet but I don't want to be in an awkward situation later on if we see these guys again and they say something.

My man doesn't know about my wild phase. I've only told him about other relationships that I've had in my life. So what is the best thing for me to do here? Thanks a lot for your help.
This situation has been played out a lot of times on TAM. If you don't tell and he finds out later he will feel very betrayed. Maybe he will think he would not have married you if he had known that beforehand. Your relation will be in dire straits.

But even if there is a second time you will be in a social setting and being in the same group with these and maybe other guys and girls you may have had a relation with: Someone may hint at it, he will feel insecure and betrayed, because you share an intimate secret with these other persons which he is left out from.

The only right thing to do is to tell him, and see what comes. That it is 'so not you' maybe true, but is no reason to leave him out of the story. Tell him. Everything.
 
#37 ·
:iagree:

You and your boyfriend will attend more parties and you will most likely run into these two guys if they are part of the wider social circle you hang out in. And you cannot count on them to be gentlemen. All it would take is for one of them to get drunk or smoke some hierba at a party and they will start blabbing about how you played hammock for them.

Either stop hanging around that social circle or tell him.
 
#36 ·
Well, there is the chance your BF will run into either of these two guys since you are in close enough circles (i.e. it is not like this happened in another stated 100s of miles away).

The problem I see, you said you have told your BF about your past relationships but omitted this. So here he is thinking you were honest and disclosed everything to him. If he finds out from these guys, that could potentially be the bigger issue, leave him wondering what else you have selectively omitted.
 
#38 ·
This part right here is your problem:

SueLL said:
My man doesn't know about my wild phase. I've only told him about other relationships that I've had in my life. So what is the best thing for me to do here? Thanks a lot for your help.
You had several options:
  • Deception where you tell a partial story, but leave him thinking it was all
  • Tell him the past is the past and not share
  • Be totally transparent and share all (and how you've changed)

You went with the final one. The first two are honerable, the last is not.

You have two choices now: come clean or keep decieving him. If you go the latter, you get to live in the fear of it coming out later.
 
#39 · (Edited)
A general rule of thumb for you to follow, is never hide anything from your SO. If there is anything that they would be shocked, or hurt, or mad to find out about, tell them yourself. Never try to hide it.

It's only a matter of time before it comes out, and it will be judgement day for you if you intentionally keep it from him. In addition to telling him, I would take steps to make sure you never come into contact with those two men ever again. Ever.

You disrespected yourself with them, and it will be hugely insulting and disrespectful towards your bf if you allow them to so much as speak to you or him.
 
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#40 ·
I will never understand why women do these things thinking it will not catch up with them sooner or later. Honestly, most men will never experience a 3-way...so don't go there. Whether you like it or not, society still has a double standard. Sex happens inside a woman's body and outside a mans body.

Men want to think of their women as more pure, especially when it comes to sex. They want to respect their woman and think of them as special, above all the rest. It's going to be very difficult for him if he knows who and what you did. It doesn't matter if that was before you met him or not. He will see you differently from that point on.

Your man also wants to feel special and valued with you. He would like to think he is the only one that can bring out that side of you. He won't feel very special of valued if he finds out about those two guys. Especially if the one guy was a jerk like you said. He will be thinking, she gave these two jerks what I value most and hold so dearly, without love or commitment. The most precious gift you can give someone is yourself. He's also thinking, this guy must have really been something special for her to abandon her values, get intimate right away and then let him talk you into a threesome with is friend. How would he know it would never happen again? How does he know you really don't secretly have fond memories of your experience? You say it was just so not you, but in his mind, it was you. He is thinking, I can never compete with that.

You may not like it, but that's the way it is. Tell him at your own risk.
 
#48 · (Edited)
I will never understand why women do these things thinking it will not catch up with them sooner or later. Honestly, most men will never experience a 3-way...so don't go there. Whether you like it or not, society still has a double standard. Sex happens inside a woman's body and outside a mans body.
There are probably as many men experience it as women. Society's double standard is the problem.

Your man also wants to feel special and valued with you. He would like to think he is the only one that can bring out that side of you. He won't feel very special of valued if he finds out about those two guys. Especially if the one guy was a jerk like you said.
Why? She has clearly said that she has an active sex life with him. I presume he knows she had sex before. Any guy thinking that his active partner had no enjoyment before she met him has issues for himself to deal with.

He will be thinking, she gave these two jerks what I value most and hold so dearly, without love or commitment. The most precious gift you can give someone is yourself. He's also thinking, this guy must have really been something special for her to abandon her values, get intimate right away and then let him talk you into a threesome with is friend. How would he know it would never happen again? How does he know you really don't secretly have fond memories of your experience? You say it was just so not you, but in his mind, it was you. He is thinking, I can never compete with that.

You may not like it, but that's the way it is. Tell him at your own risk.
If that's the way he's thinking then bringing this up is a good thing. They will be heading for trouble further on in life.

I'm amazed that having never met him you can tell her in such detail how he thinks.
 
#63 ·
I don't think I would get too bent out of shape about it. I'm not into group sex, but if my lady tried it in the past I wouldn't hold it against her. But I would expect some pretty enthusiastic sex from her, and not some limp fish sh!t.

Where the problem lies with OP is that she and BF are actively running in the same social circles as the guys she slept with. That is when it becomes problematic, because young people thrive on drama and they lack tact. They shoot their mouths off, they gossip, they make bad decisions...

I could see her boyfriend ending up the object of jeers and ridicule, and the poor guy won't even know why.
 
#66 ·
I am definitely in the you "discuss all things camp"

However some people, much to my surprise, really don't want to know about their partners past. I would think if this was important to your BF he might have asked about your past prior to now. I think you don't say anything unless he asks about your sexual past and disclosure about it.
 
#96 ·
I am definitely in the you "discuss all things camp"

However some people, much to my surprise, really don't want to know about their partners past. I would think if this was important to your BF he might have asked about your past prior to now. I think you don't say anything unless he asks about your sexual past and disclosure about it.
What is not clear, the OP did say she had discussed past relationships with her BF, so he may in fact has asked about her past, and she selectively picked what parts to tell him. However, without feedback from the OP it would be hard to know exactly what part of the past they were looking to discuss.
 
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