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Wife has anxiety - it morphs into anger

5K views 68 replies 12 participants last post by  ButtPunch 
#1 · (Edited)
My wife has every reason to be confident. She is attractive, smart, diligent, funny.

But she is constantly worried about "being judged" or others not liking her. To the extent that she says she sometimes feel naseous just thiking about having to talk to other moms at school drop off.

She often blows up at me over absolutely nothing and creates a fight. She seems to get angry easily.

This has been increasing greatly over the past year. Multiple times I've had to pump her up about how great she is to get her to go for a new job etc.

She seems worried about me not liking her. We've had ups and downs in the past that she worked through and I thought our relationship had become the strongest it has been. But now if seems like she is blowing up as a response to anxiety all the time.

She recently got to retire early (37 yo) because my company is doing very well. We have great kids, tons of friends, and life should be great.

I don't know how to deal with her anxiety and feel like it is doing severe damage to our marriage. She feels the same way and says her fears are causing her to act out and she can't control it.

I have no idea how to fix this. When she gets angry for no reason, it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, but I am not. I feel like I can't ever make her happy, yet I know that I am good guy and providing a great life. I don't understand how anyone could be unhappy with the life we have.

One thing I know, I can't go on like this forever.

Any advice on how to help her?
 
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#3 ·
What medication did you try? She has always been against taking medicine, even hard to get her to take an advil for a bad headache.

Does a therapist prescibe anxiety meds or does she need to see pyschiatrist? Or is it just general family doctor?

I think she is also emabarrased to have to ask for such a thing - the whole fear of being judged think doesn't help here...
 
#4 ·
I think this is stemming from her relationship with her Mother.

Her mom was very worrisome, extremely pessimistic, a yeller, constantly finding the negative in everything.

The mother ran over her father for their entire relationship. He was completely submissive and fearful of her.

The entire family walked on egg shells to try to avoid the mom blowing up.

My wife hated it, but now she is doing the same thing! Saying that she is acting like her mother is a guarantee to create a huge fight, although it is completely true.
 
#7 ·
I think this is stemming from her relationship with her Mother.
RE, if that were true, you likely would have seen these behavioral problems occurring throughout your marriage. You say, however, that this problem suddenly got much worse over the past year. I therefore suggest that she consult with an endocrinologist to see if her hormone levels have been changing. Many women start perimenopause in their mid-thirties.
 
#5 ·
I'd suggest a psychiatrist over an internist, simply because they are more familiar working with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) and can determine the correct dosage. I've suffered with GAD since I was about 7 or 8. Yep, I was a VERY anxious child; not doubt due to having a mother who was emotionally unstable, to say the least.

I take clonazepam, which addresses the anxiety, and paroxetine (generic Paxil), which addresses both anxiety and depression.

It can be trial-and-error at the beginning, until the doctor finds the right med(s) and dosage(s). I, too, was hesitant to take medication, but when my anxiety/depression got bad enough that I could hardly function, I decided to give it a try. I'm glad I did.

I hope you can convince your wife to investigate her options. Keep us posted.
 
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#6 ·
I had to try different ones to find what worked for me, I have a high tolerance to pills so I have to switch every so often.

My therapist prescribed mine, all thought when I first felt a little off like I wasn't myself my primary cared prescribed me some xanax until I could find a therapist.

I was draining my marriage too, and do I did not want to find myself in a divorce so I decided I had to do something. So I chose to get help for myself in order to save my marriage.
 
#9 ·
Yes, absolutely correct.

This has been there our entire 15 year relationship, but it has recently become way worse. She used to have a sort of wall of not caring what other people thought. Now that she actually seems to care, here anxiety level has skyrocketed.
 
#26 ·
Don't accept her outbursts.

That's what doormats do.

You will just get more of them.
I don't accept her oubursts, that is why I have a problem. Whether I stay calm and address her directly when it happens, or allow her to cool off and then discuss it... we are constantly arguing.

ALL of these arguments are over issues that she made up that are non-issues (and she generally admits this).

I feel like I deserve to be happy and don't enjoy arguing all the time.

I need her to stop arguing with me for me to be happy. I am hoping that there is a way to make that happen. I've chosen to be happy in my life and she is impeding that currently.
 
#29 ·
The issue is not that she is fearful about something else and I say that she shouldn't be fearful.

The issue is that she directly attacks me and my behavior.

We've been to counseling three times now. Every time the counselor has completely agreed with me (different counselors also) and told her that she can't act like that.

Sometimes the counselors advice to her has been essentially verbatum of what I have been telling her, but all of a sudden a third party saying makes an impact on her.

Both her and her mother are very nice to everyone in their lives except for their immediate family. They are more accepting and nicer to complete strangers than their husbands; this is something I can't understand... I want to be the nicest to the people in my family.
 
#30 ·
JLD,

I really appreciate your commenting on this because I need to sort this out, but I don't think I'm correctly describing the situation to you based on your comments.

"You can prevent that escalation by being calm and understanding.

Even when she gets upset, say on the fun day, you can learn communication techniques that can calm her. I suggest Active Listening. "

The issue is that this happens all the time. If you know that essentially every weekend, you are going to attacked for nothing, overtime you will become frustrated.

Just getting to the point that I need to decide on how to deal with her (remain calm, be understanding, etc....), the problem has already occurred, a good day or weekend has been ruined. When this is norm, life is not fun or happy.
 
#34 ·
I agree that she needs to help herself, but don't know what to tell her make her take it seriously.

She has always had this underneath, and it has surfaced before, but in general she was a fairly happy person and nice most of the time.

Now that essentially all external stresses have been removed from her life and our life is very good, she seems to be constantly finding reasons to blow up.

I thought it would be the opposite, great low stress life should have meant that her outbursts & attacks would be minimal.
 
#33 ·
I guess what I am asking for her is not how to deal with her outbursts, but how to stop them from happening in the first place.

I already know that her outbursts and fight picking are not legitimate or based on anything in reality.

Both of us agree that this anger is stemming out of her general anxiety, I am just the outlet for it (the only outlet).

I don't want to be the outlet anymore.
 
#37 ·
Could you give an example of the outbursts, and what prompts them?
 
#45 ·
Here are a couple of examples:

We live in California so we have traffic on Fridays, if you want to go anywhere on a Friday after work, you essentially pick your poison with which freeway you want to take. You definitely want to look at the traffic before you pick your route as an accident on the route you pick might cost you multiple hours.

So we start on a trip, we have three options to head south. I pick the route seems to be best bet. She says "how about we take freeway b, would that be better?". I say, "yeah, it would be, but how would you get to it?", I know that the only route to get that freeway is always a notoriously horrible traffic jam.

She says "oh, we would have to crossover to on it freeway c, and that has really bad traffic, so I guess I'm stupid, you are such a jerk".

She then doesn't talk to me for essentially the entire weekend saying that I am being such a ****.

All I said was "how would you get to that freeway". We get into a huge fight on why I am such a jerk with me saying that I didn't do anything wrong.

Another example: we go to a burger place. She likes a grilled cheese with everything, our daughter likes grilled cheese plain. I order that correctly. She walks up while the cashier is reading back the order, and says to the cashier "no the 1st grilled cheese should be plain" and changes the order, I say "are you sure", she says "yes, I'm sure" in a tone like how dare you question me. Order comes out with two plain grilled cheese. She is pissed and says "how did you let me order that?", I say "I ordered it correctly and then you changed it and got upset when I asked if you were sure". I will point out that we're talking about a $3 grilled cheese sandwich here. She then says what a jerk I am and is absolutely irate with me. This goes on for about four days of being told I'm a jerk over the grilled cheese. Of course it escalates to her telling me all these things I am doing wrong in life and how she can't live like this, all over a $3 grilled cheese that she incorrectly ordered.

It is actually embarrassing to even write this stuff. She flies off the handle at her husband over the must insignificant things.
 
#62 ·
You are married to a child. This is why stay and take it doesn't work cause you already are. I would change and say you shouldn't walk away you need to stand up for yourself in the moment and correct her tranturms...wow this resonates with me cause I used to be you.

With the trip incident I would have turned the car around and drove home the first time I was called a jerk end of story.

With the grilled cheese I would have pointed out she screwed that up not you.

You need to be the bigger person and just keep stating " I don't belittle and call you names I expect you to talk to me in the same manner". If she doesn't stop then leave. But stand up for yourself and watch this behavior Change.

You have taught her to treat you this way as I once did with my X wife. You have to teach her now that no more is ok. It will be an uphill battle I'm afraid. She doesn't respect you anymore.
 
#51 ·
DustyDog,

Thanks for that post... alot to take in. I think she does get her validation from others and the People Pleaser Disorder does sound a lot like her. I just want to be a person she wants to please.

All the advice on staying calm etc., is usually how I respond, but it is also very difficult when the person is directly attacking you and your behavior. It is like a personal assault.

"you are a jerk", "you are being such a dck".

A few years ago I started excercising a lot more, I wasn't in bad shape, but wanted to get in really good shape. I also had always wanted to play guitar and started doing that.

She seemed totally bothered by me doing this stuff (it didn't impact our life at home really, early AM workouts and maybe 15 mins of guitar per day) but she was totally put off that I was doing "all these things to improve myself". I thought this was the opposite reaction my spouse should have. I would have been saying good for you if she was doing that kind of stuff.

When she says she wants to go a friends house with some girlfriends for a wine everning, I say great, have fun (and I mean it). If I say I am going to grab a beer with a friend, she usually gets angry or bothered. Complete opposite reactions to same scenario.
 
#53 ·
DustyDog,

Thanks for that post... alot to take in. I think she does get her validation from others and the People Pleaser Disorder does sound a lot like her. I just want to be a person she wants to please.

All the advice on staying calm etc., is usually how I respond, but it is also very difficult when the person is directly attacking you and your behavior. It is like a personal assault.

"you are a jerk", "you are being such a dck".
Of course it's hard. That is how you grow, though, and develop a thicker skin.

A few years ago I started excercising a lot more, I wasn't in bad shape, but wanted to get in really good shape. I also had always wanted to play guitar and started doing that.

She seemed totally bothered by me doing this stuff (it didn't impact our life at home really, early AM workouts and maybe 15 mins of guitar per day) but she was totally put off that I was doing "all these things to improve myself". I thought this was the opposite reaction my spouse should have. I would have been saying good for you if she was doing that kind of stuff.

When she says she wants to go a friends house with some girlfriends for a wine everning, I say great, have fun (and I mean it). If I say I am going to grab a beer with a friend, she usually gets angry or bothered. Complete opposite reactions to same scenario.
Do you think she is nervous that now that you have a lot of money, you will leave her? Could that be part of her anxiety?
 
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