Does Marriage Counseling work?
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Old 01-01-2009, 10:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Does Marriage Counseling work?

I am having serious problems with my marriage, I am not cheating, I don't think he is cheating. We don't communicate and I am completely sad and filled with anger. My husband is a lazy, selfish man, he is totally passive aggressive. I worked late last night, I came home to a dirty house, dirty dishes, I am no longer going to do his laundry. We moved to a new area a year and a half ago, for his dream job. He has made sure that we are back where we were when we lived in Colorado. I bartend two nights a week, then I work with my three year old. I have a big home and get no help from my husband at all. I have to ask to sleep in, example I worked last night, he slept in, even though he has been off work for three weeks. He told me that this was his vacation and so he has pretty much sat in front of the t.v.
I am filled with anger, I don't even want to be in the same room as him. He told me he moved our 401k into c.d.s I found out he did not and we lost half of our retirement. He then, told me he was not going to move it, then he took his old 401k out to move it to the new company. He just did it, did not ask, nothing. My mother says I need to get this stuff in my name as well. We have a rental property, that is not in my name either but I do all the work for it. I am very stressed at the moment, I am not well, have a serious illness as does my husband. We need to get marriage counseling, if it works.
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Old 01-01-2009, 04:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Marriage Counseling work?

Seek a lawyer and then a counselor. In that order. Then see where it all goes. Good luck, girl. And keep us apprised of things. We do care, here.
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Old 01-01-2009, 11:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Marriage Counseling work?

thread title is intriguing.

Q: does marriage counseling work?
A: no, but spouses who want to make things right work.

my answer seems a little flip...sorry...the work word is a verb too. counseling only works if you work at it. that's what i'm trying to say.
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Old 01-02-2009, 12:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Marriage Counseling work?

My H and I have had excellent experience with marriage counselling... but it only works if you both want it to. It has helped us learn to communicate better with each other, which we all know is the key to a good relationship. It has also given us a lot of insight into things like his anger and possessiveness over me, and what she believes to be the cause of it. The "why he does what he does" so that we can work to try and resolve the deeper issues. You really need to both be commited to making it work, it's not a magic trick. You also need to have a therapist that you both really click with. good luck!!
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Old 01-02-2009, 12:27 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Marriage Counseling work?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Junebug View Post
My H and I have had excellent experience with marriage counselling... but it only works if you both want it to. It has helped us learn to communicate better with each other, which we all know is the key to a good relationship. It has also given us a lot of insight into things like his anger and possessiveness over me, and what she believes to be the cause of it. The "why he does what he does" so that we can work to try and resolve the deeper issues. You really need to both be commited to making it work, it's not a magic trick. You also need to have a therapist that you both really click with. good luck!!
we've done much better with me going to individual counseling and doing my work. i had huge jealousy and control issues, none of my wifes issues. we did couples with a terribly arrogant counseling team. it was a disaster. i think if we'd have continued with them, we'd have gone down in flames.

i'm pretty convinced that if you're both intelligent, you can deal with your own problems.
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Old 01-02-2009, 01:48 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Marriage Counseling work?

counselling works in a few ways:

- an outside person can ask questions that lead to insights
- you can learn how to communicate so you each feel heard
etc

BUT Voivod is absolutely right. It depends on both people WANTING to be there and do the slog. Too often one partner asks it and the other is there feeling that they are the bad one being held up as a lousy example while the "good" one who started the process has an ally - this regardless of what the counsellor says about being neutral.

I agree wtih the idea of individual counselling. Ultimately that will help you work through your rage and learn to put boundaries in place that will help you feel like you have a measure of control, and take it from there.
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Old 01-07-2009, 06:53 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Marriage Counseling work?

SVSROB,

I completely understand how you are feeling. I am in the "rebuild from the ashes" part of my marriage. You see, I have done the same things (for the most part) to my wife. To add insult to injury, I work from home and she actually makes more money than I do.

While I did not spend any money from the "household" finances, I did have a couple of internet ventures that made me a little bit of "play money" in the beginning that my wife said was fine for me to spend. Over time, that income grew to the point that it should have in all fairness been turned over to help with the bills.

I began to find interests to take up my leisure time outside the home. I joined the fire department, went to classes, training and took part in activities other than what was required in the fire department. When the weekend came, I would run to a friends house and hang around with him until well into the morning hours. I was staying away from home almost 40 hours a week while she was at home taking care of the home.

She works an hour and change from home. she works long hours and has a lot expected of her at her job. She would come home and have to step over clutter and mess to get to the sink to wash dishes so she could cook dinner, only to watch me leave immediately afterward to go to fire department functions, only to return well after the household was in bed.

As time wore on, she became weary and angry. She vented to people who advised her to leave me. She spoke to a man who is credentialed to be a minister and a counselor, who told her that the only way to get my attention was to go to a lawyer, draw up divorce papers and "Slap them down onto the table in front of my face".

Eventually, and in a moment of non-judgment, she threw our vows, our family, and her self respect to the wind by doing the unthinkable with another man.

She came home one night and told me that she wanted out. She told me that I was not the man she thought she married and that it was over. She watched on coldly and with no emotion as my world shattered and crashed to the ground with every word from her mouth.

For 2 weeks after having been with him, she tried and tried to push me away. With every step I would take to improve myself, she would become more and more angry with me. I was not allowed to touch her in any way. Not so much as a cordial handshake.

When I thought I had been hit with every brick she could throw, and on Christmas day I asked her if there were any other bricks, she told me no. On new years day, she pelted me with the final two bricks: She laid down with another man, and she is pregnant.

I told you that to tell you this:

From the devastation of our marriage, there is a new beginning rising up out of the smoldering ashes. There is a closeness that I cannot ever remember having felt in our 7 years together.

I am telling you from a man's perspective that I never saw this coming, and I believed that life was all "rainbows and butterflies" until the words came out of her mouth.

I know that us guys look intelligent, but we don't pick up on hints, we don't read between the lines. What we DO respond to is "reality". Sometimes a heartless reality check is in order to make sure the point has been made. I have taken the liberty of showing you the processing that takes place in a man's mind when you speak to him, so that you can see how the things you say are processed...

You say: "Honey, it would be nice if you could take the garbage out sometimes"

He hears: "Blah blah blah. Nag nag nag. Yadda garbage yadda..."

In 30 seconds, you ask him what his wife said and he will tell you that she was nagging him... I think about the garbage. 30 seconds from there, it is forgotten.

This is not reality.

"Bob, sit down. I need to tell you something. (Bob sits) Bob, It is time for us to separate. This statement is bold, authoritative and without tears. This will mentally grab Bob by the throat and show him that there is a problem of catastrophic proportions.

"Bob, I have lost my feelings and I don't know if I can ever feel the same way about you." Be strong and do not waiver. Look him in the eyes. Tell him why you can't take any more of this. Make sure he understands that he has hurt you until your pain has been converted to anger and contempt. Tell him everything you have to say, but be careful to only say each thing once. Do NOT repeat yourself to try to make sure he got the point. Believe me, he got it.

Strip him of the PRIVILEGES of marriage. Stay in the same room with him, but stay on your side of the bed. Do not cross the center line at any cost. Do not come CLOSE to the center. If he comes across, tell him to get back on his side or to leave the room. Make him understand that you are not interested. Tell him that sex is not going to fix this marriage. If needed move to another room to keep him off of you.

Close the door to change your clothes. Do not allow him to see you in the flesh. Over a period of about a week, Bob, (and this is important) IF HE HAS ANY LOVE LEFT FOR YOU will begin to to a self-systems check. He will try to talk to you about what he has done, but you have to give him the impression that every word he says might as well be coming from the mouth of Billy Mayes, trying to sell you some useless product that will eventually end up in the trash.

Allow him to self examine. Watch him begin to do things to entice you back. Let him talk, but do not be swayed by anything he says. Be willing to calmly shut him down and walk away when he "over talks". Show him with your actions and your eyes that you are skeptical. Let him know that you don't believe.

During the coarse of the next 2 weeks, you will have to stand confident, be strong and never let him see you cry. (This is a weakness that he will believe is his door back in). He will make astounding realizations during this time of self-reflection. He will tell you what he has found. Listen to him and then without looking impressed, acknowledge what he said and then move on.

He will follow you around like a lost dog, but you will have to resist the temptation to "scratch his ears". Any sign of ear scratching is an admission of weakness on your part.

After a week, allow him some small privileges of marriage. Maybe a hug (ONLY ONE!) and then move on.

SLOWLY allow him to EARN back his privileges, holding back his most desired until last.

THIS... is a reality check. He has not been able to sweep the troubles under the rug and he does not have the false idea that it is all better. There is no instant gratification, which is what ALL men seek. Make him EARN you back, and he will not soon forget it.

******** I HAVE TO WARN YOU **********

This can have a significant impact on your marriage. It can make it all come down and it may end out badly. You HAVE to be willing to follow through with your threats and to accept the outcome.

Use this at your own risk, and do understand that it may backfire on you, but also know that if it does, then there wasn't anything you could have done about it anyway.

My wife did this, AND she cheated on me. She got pregnant. I didn't even like her anymore, but I realized that I did love her and that I was not willing to lose her.

I now see the error of my ways, and I will not soon forget them.

Good luck.

If you want to read my whole story, you can find it here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-feelings.html
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