General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My wife and I recently bought a house that is in need of alot of work before we can move in to it. I have bought and fixed up about 10 other houses that are now rentals, so not my first go-around.
The thing is is that my wife has not done a lick of work at the house but will soon be enjoying all the benefits of living there.
I work another job full-time, volunteer, do part-time yard work, plus my rental business; should I be expected to do all the work at our new house.
I do not expect her to be over there swinging a hammer, but is it too much to ask her to sweep the floors, schedule the utilities, or do the bookwork like the bills, or support jobs like that.
Wife does work almost full time and goes to college a couple nights a week.
It already upsets me when she calls it "our house" or says "we" own ten houses. I just feel that things should be earned, not layed out on a silver platter. Perhaps i'm wrong.
Insight please!
Her expressing it the way she does, is her saying "I'm in this family, it's part of me, and I'm part of this. This forms my personal safe place, and my identity of who I am".
Ok, so you your wife isn't working on the house. You are. That's part of the magic that you contribute to the family. Do you do her home work or cover class for her? Because the work she does there is also building up the family.
I don't say suck it up, I say change how you're seeing things.
It already upsets me when she calls it "our house" or says "we" own ten houses. I just feel that things should be earned, not layed out on a silver platter. Perhaps i'm wrong.
Insight please!
Yep, dead wrong. It is "our house" and "we own ten houses"! You should have thought of that before you got married if you did not want to incorporate "our" and "we" into your vocabulary.
Yep, dead wrong. It is "our house" and "we own ten houses"! You should have thought of that before you got married if you did not want to incorporate "our" and "we" into your vocabulary.
Did your wife want a "fixer upper home?" If not, perhaps thats one of the reasons why she hasn't helped. if you enjoy fixing the houses up then thats fine, but some people do not enjoy fixing things, especially a home that needs right much work.
My first home was a fixer upper, been there done that. The next house I get I hope to get one that is move in ready.
Maybe she's waiting for you to fix up the darn thing so she can furnish and decorate the heck out of it and turn it into a beautiful home. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.
Resentment is not a nice thing to carry around, and it could kill your relationship.
Suck it up isn't a pleasant thing to do either. Causes resentment.
How about you discuss with her how you feel, and let her know exactly what she should do to make you feel like she has "earned" the right to live in "your" house? If you feel that she should be doing manual labor to enjoy the benefits, you should tell her that.
10 houses, was she involved in any of these? Or was this your business before you got together?
Her expressing it the way she does, is her saying "I'm in this family, it's part of me, and I'm part of this. This forms my personal safe place, and my identity of who I am".
Ok, so you your wife isn't working on the house. You are. That's part of the magic that you contribute to the family. Do you do her home work or cover class for her? Because the work she does there is also building up the family.
I don't say suck it up, I say change how you're seeing things.
my wife has not done a lick of work at the house but will soon be enjoying all the benefits of living there.
...
I do not expect her to be over there swinging a hammer, but is it too much to ask her to sweep the floors, schedule the utilities, or do the bookwork like the bills, or support jobs like that.
...
It already upsets me when she calls it "our house" or says "we" own ten houses. I just feel that things should be earned, not layed out on a silver platter. Perhaps i'm wrong.
Insight please!
tajd,
You have stepped into quite a quagmire here and I would humbly advise you to do some serious thinking about your potential exposure before you put in a lot (if any) of your own work. I share this with great sadness because I learned the hard way.
Whatever verbal agreements or understandings you and your wife may or may not have between each other right now, the house you bought together is legally governed by the laws of your state regarding marital property. Although the details depend on your state, in most circumstances the marital home is sold and the proceeds divided 50/50 in the event of a divorce. This means that whatever work you do to improve the value of your home, you effectively give your wife half. Although I have advised friends to have their lawyers bring this up to the court as being unfair in the event of their wife leaving, I have never heard of anyone succeeding in getting additional consideration because the increase in home equity is treated by the court like income from a second job. So if you do 2000 hours of work prorated at $20/hour, you have made a gift to your wife of $40,000.00/2=$20,000.00 the same as if you had earned it as income from a second job.
By virtue of being married to you, your wife is owed the benefit of living in your house whether or not she does anything constructive, let alone swing a hammer. She is correct in calling the house you bought together "our house". Whether or not she is correct regarding the rental housing can get fairly complicated depending on the details.
You don't have to read very far into this forum to see that there is a prevalent attitude toward using the threat or actual filing of divorce action as a means of power to settle marital disagreements or force a spouse's behavior. And every marriage has disagreements, if not now, then eventually. The perception that family court is gender biased toward women influences a lot of people's thinking and this, along with child custody, is a potential example. The threat of a $20,000.00 grab is a big stick. Unless you intend in advance to present your wife with a gift, you may find yourself feeling a lot more than resentment in the future. I honestly though this could never happen to me, my wife swore up and down that money was not important to her and she would never try to stick me up. What a difference a day makes.
I figure I had about $50,000.00 in personal labor sunk into my house when my wife filed for divorce. We are since reconciled, but I promise I am not looking to add to that total. Several of my friends are in for even more. One guy even had his brother and friends pouring concrete and hanging sheetrock while his wife was secretly stashing money away in her own account. Once all the renovations were complete, she filed for divorce and is planning to use her share of the equity others contributed as a down payment on her own condo.
To answer a few questions. Originally it was her idea to do the house flipping thing. She did a little work on our first house. Then the housing market tanked and so the rentals began. I continue the business for many reasons; among them: financial independence, comfortable retirement, something to pass on to my son.
My wife comes from a family of six, and none of her siblings have become successful. Her parents live paycheck to paycheck. I don't want that. And I think that is part of the problem; the way she was brought up.
Perhaps my wife does not want a fixer-upper. Neither do I. I'd just as soon move into a house already the way we want it, in a good neighborhood, with a nice yard. But that's not reality.
And nothing would make me happier than to feel the "we" in our relationship; it's just after so many years of doing everything on your own the "we" just isn't there. Sorry.
What if I continue to be "success driven" and she carries on in her ways?
Her expressing it the way she does, is her saying "I'm in this family, it's part of me, and I'm part of this. This forms my personal safe place, and my identity of who I am".
Ok, so you your wife isn't working on the house. You are. That's part of the magic that you contribute to the family. Do you do her home work or cover class for her? Because the work she does there is also building up the family.
I don't say suck it up, I say change how you're seeing things.
this is an excellent post Posted via Mobile Device
resent wife or suck it up? 
