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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-16-2011, 09:24 PM Thread Starter
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confused about my marriage

Hi there, I'm new here so sorry if this is a total repeat of what 100's of others have already said.

I'm newly married, 1 year recently. I'm married to a wonderful man, he's kind, sensitive, funny, intelligent the list could go on forever.... the problem is I'm not so sure that we are right together.

Our relationship lacks any passion, we just amble along through everything. He feels like my best friend but nothing more. We never fight, we have great respect for each other and I can't figure out what is wrong with me that I'm not head over heals in love with him.

I got a ton of pressure to marry him from my family, it was such intense pressure that I didn't have to the clarity of mind to stop and really asses whether I wanted to marry him or if I just wanted to get married to get my family off my back. Which I know makes me an awful person and wife.

I'm not really attracted to him, he feels very small and feminine, I thought it was just me feeling insecure because I'm tall so I kept losing weight to feel smaller and smaller next to him but it didn't change anything. He very rarely likes to be intimate where as I seem to need the intimacy far more regularly and I end up feeling rejected when he doesn't return my advances. Everything he does is so thought through and calculated I feel restricted and like I can't do anything spontaneous. The relationship is so 'safe' that I don't feel that I can be hurt by him because I can't find anything that fires me up enough to deeply fall for him.

I know that marriage is about far more than passion and I'm so lucky to find a kind man that is sensible and loves me so much. But I need to figure out a way to stop myself being bored in my marriage before he starts to notice that I'm not happy.

I need some advice from couples that have been through this and made it. I won't leave him or cheat on him, he is a wonderful man and I want to change to be a better wife, I just can't figure out how to do it and I don't want to talk to him about this as it will hurt him unnecessarily.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-16-2011, 09:25 PM
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Re: confused about my marriage

Hi,

I have a little curiosity at times regarding something. I'll explain it to you in short form getting to the facts to try keep it as simple as possible.

I have been married for 8 years now, about 2 years ago now my wife met a good male friend at work who she jokingly told me she had a crush on. The thing is the fact she liked this guy excited me so I encouraged her to flirt with him. Over the last lets say year or so she hasnt done anything sexual with him but are just good work friends. I have noticed some differences over the last year which are different to if I think back to 2 years ago. One is, she doesnt wear her wedding rings very often and tells me that they get in her at work. She does like to play me as she knows I enjoy it too, and she says to me before she knows she is going to see the guy at her work, "If I dare her not to wear her rings"

Question - what is actually going through her mind though, is she just playing the game or is she perhaps bored in the marriage ???

I have also noticed she has bought alot of new clothes lately that usuall. i know she is trying to look good for this guy which we both kind of play together but could it be a dangerous game, whats going through her head ?

I know im also responsible for her flirting etc as i have encouraged her at times to do it, but then other times it also makes me quite jealous.

She has also recently hinted to me that she would love to sleep with other guys, once again, could she just be testing me or could this just be a fun game ???

Im surprised now that she is okay with me not wearing my rings either as I told her recently that why should I have to feel the need to wear mine if she doesn't feel the need to wear hers.

I'd love some answers on this matter

Thanks

Tony
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-17-2011, 04:45 AM
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Re: confused about my marriage

hi squirrel, i'm a more conservative person, so i know that this response is probably not in agreement with what other folks thin, but here goes...

in any relationship, the initial butterfly/ sparks/ warm fuzzy feelings tend to fade with time. they are replaced by a more comfortable, stable type of love. some people still crave the initial excitement, while others accept that these changes are normal & mean a different level of comitment. in your case, this stage has come much earlier in the relationship. in my humble opinion- so what? look around on the forum- there are alot of people with dynamic relationships, full of excitement who hurtle from one calamity to the next. ask any of those people & they would trade for the "boring comfortable love" you have.

I know you don't want to talk to him because you don't want to hurt his feelings, but maybe a convo along the lines of "I love you & am committed to this relatioship. I want to make it the best relationship that it can be. I feel we need to connect on a deeper emotional level because i want us to be together for a long time". maybe once you feel the emotional connection, then the physical connection will get better?
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-17-2011, 05:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tony1975 View Post
Hi,

I have a little curiosity at times regarding something. I'll explain it to you in short form getting to the facts to try keep it as simple as possible.

I have been married for 8 years now, about 2 years ago now my wife met a good male friend at work who she jokingly told me she had a crush on. The thing is the fact she liked this guy excited me so I encouraged her to flirt with him. Over the last lets say year or so she hasnt done anything sexual with him but are just good work friends. I have noticed some differences over the last year which are different to if I think back to 2 years ago. One is, she doesnt wear her wedding rings very often and tells me that they get in her at work. She does like to play me as she knows I enjoy it too, and she says to me before she knows she is going to see the guy at her work, "If I dare her not to wear her rings"

Question - what is actually going through her mind though, is she just playing the game or is she perhaps bored in the marriage ???

I have also noticed she has bought alot of new clothes lately that usuall. i know she is trying to look good for this guy which we both kind of play together but could it be a dangerous game, whats going through her head ?

I know im also responsible for her flirting etc as i have encouraged her at times to do it, but then other times it also makes me quite jealous.

She has also recently hinted to me that she would love to sleep with other guys, once again, could she just be testing me or could this just be a fun game ???

Im surprised now that she is okay with me not wearing my rings either as I told her recently that why should I have to feel the need to wear mine if she doesn't feel the need to wear hers.

I'd love some answers on this matter

Thanks

Tony
Can you maybe post your own thread? This has nothing to do with OP's question.

Squirrel. Your relationship is what you make of it to some degree. I agree with previous poster's comments and the way to approach him. You have a good foundation - now just time to tweak.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-17-2011, 04:55 PM
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Re: confused about my marriage

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Originally Posted by golfergirl View Post
Can you maybe post your own thread? This has nothing to do with OP's question.

Squirrel. Your relationship is what you make of it to some degree. I agree with previous poster's comments and the way to approach him. You have a good foundation - now just time to tweak.
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I appoligise for that but im tying to figure out how to start my own thread, i cant see the link to starting a new thread, please advise.

Thanks
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-18-2011, 05:16 AM
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Re: confused about my marriage

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Originally Posted by tony1975 View Post
I appoligise for that but im tying to figure out how to start my own thread, i cant see the link to starting a new thread, please advise.

Thanks
There is a new thread button at the top of the page when you are looking at the threads in a forum. Click the "General Relationship Discussion" at the top of this page and you will be set. And I think you are nuts and are playing with fire.
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