Girl friend is great but not sure about her son
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »General Relationship Discussion » Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 11-17-2011, 01:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 117
Default Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

I am a 40 year old male and I have been dating a wonderful woman for the just over 2 years now. She is divorced and has a 15 year old son from a previous relationship, not her marriage. The father of the 15 year old boy is not in the picture at all.

Here is my dilemma - the 15 year old boy is really troubled. He acts up in school, is nearly failing, and is disciplined regularly. He shows no interest in school or pretty much anything other than hanging with his friends and partying. This partying is further exacerbated by admitted drug use and drinking. He admitted to smoking marijuana with his friends saying he only did it "occasionally" and this includes drinking at parties as well. He also breaks rules around her home, allowing his friends to smoke cigarettes in his room when being told this is absolutely not allowed.

The other day he fell asleep at school and the teacher suspected he was high. My girlfriend grounds him and makes him stay home but he doesn't seem to be bothered by any of this. He is very unemotional and just doesn't care about anything.

I am 40 years old, never been married and I have no kids. I see this being a huge problem and it is certainly making me think twice about moving in with her. I get upset because the kid is so lazy and does nothing around the house. I know if we moved in together, I would not be holding my tongue when it comes to his lazing around. I can really foresee her son being a 25 year old, unemployed, do nothing laying on my couch and I know I do not want that.

Am I being selfish? Should I be moving in with her as she wants or should I wait? Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Corkey88 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 11-17-2011, 02:21 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: IL
Posts: 3,679
Default Re: Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

Quote:
Am I being selfish? Should I be moving in with her as she wants or should I wait? Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Being cautious about the climate in that house isn't being selfish, it's being prudent.

Under the circumstances, it looks like your girlfriend has enough on her plate with just raising this kid. You don't need to add to her stress by moving in and fighting with her son (because I forsee that coming by a mile).

I think you should honestly tell her how you're feeling about this. You can't pretend this doesn't bother you, that's not going to be good for the long term. I know you probably don't want to sound like some insensitive jerk, being that this is about her kid. IMO, you won't. I think she'll appreciate your honesty if she cares for you. This is not something you're sure you want to be dealing with 24/7.
A Bit Much is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-17-2011, 02:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
Lon
Member
 
Lon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 5,898
Default Re: Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

I agree with A Bit Much... It's not your role to discipline or raise her teenage son, he is nearly the age of consent and so whatever impression you have on him won't be a a parent/guardian or any kind of authority. Having you in their home takes away your role as man of your house, that has been relegated to this boy. If I were you, and I were otherwise happy with the relationship, I would maintain separate residences until her son becomes a man and moves out.
Lon is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-17-2011, 02:33 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
southern wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: The Wine Cellar
Posts: 10,117
Default Re: Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lon View Post
I agree with A Bit Much... It's not your role to discipline or raise her teenage son, he is nearly the age of consent and so whatever impression you have on him won't be a a parent/guardian or any kind of authority. Having you in their home takes away your role as man of your house, that has been relegated to this boy. If I were you, and I were otherwise happy with the relationship, I would maintain separate residences until her son becomes a man and moves out.


It's not selfish at all, as others have stated. You are just at a place in your life where you know what you want, and don't want. Never having kids of your own, and then walking into a situation with a 15 year old, is like walking into a war zone. My advice is, don't do it. Be smart about moving forward with this person, if you choose to do so. As mentioned, wait until the kid is out of the house and then blend your life with hers. Good luck!
southern wife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-17-2011, 02:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 12
Default Re: Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel5112 View Post
[B][I]I think this is the best idea, but how will she react to this? Is this a, this relationship needs to be taken to the next level or end, kind of thing. 3-4 years is a long time to make her wait if she wants it now.
And by the sounds of it, it seems Corkey is really worried that 3-4 years is not a realistic time horizon if this kid doesn't sort out his issues. Could be more like 7 or 8 years if his mother allows it to go on that long.

I know I would not tolerate it and it would bother me tremendously to have some lazy ass man-boy laying on my couch, getting high and drinking with his buddies every day.
Needingsomeadvice is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-17-2011, 02:55 PM   #6 (permalink)
Lon
Member
 
Lon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 5,898
Default Re: Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

Quote:
Originally Posted by Needingsomeadvice View Post
And by the sounds of it, it seems Corkey is really worried that 3-4 years is not a realistic time horizon if this kid doesn't sort out his issues. Could be more like 7 or 8 years if his mother allows it to go on that long.

I know I would not tolerate it and it would bother me tremendously to have some lazy ass man-boy laying on my couch, getting high and drinking with his buddies every day.
I too realize this, but it puts the onus of raising this teenager back onto the mom where it belongs... if she wants him to move in with her enough she will make it happen (which in this case is probably also better for the well-being of her son whom needs to start dealing with his own responsibilities). I suppose its a bit of a fitness test that Corkey is putting his GF through - because it is healthy for him to say he is not going to become something he isn't nor wants to be (a father to her son).
Lon is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-17-2011, 03:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: IL
Posts: 3,679
Default Re: Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

It bothers me that she would WANT to have Corkey move in under the circumstances. I wouldn't. That's a lot to ask.

Lon is right. Wait until he's out of the house or maybe end the relationship altogether.
A Bit Much is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-17-2011, 03:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 263
Default Re: Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

Corky - It is a very difficult life changing situation you have found yourself in. It all depends on you and your GF on how you want to approach this. Although the ultimate responsibility for the child is on the mother, it is obvious that she either does not have the skills, knowledge and strength for the upbringing of the teenage son.

Either you walk away from this challenge and break off the relationship. Stringing this along until the child moves out of the house, IMHO, is just a cop out. No matter what age the child moves out, he will be part of your GF life forever. If you don't want to deal with him at 15, you will not deal with him at 25, 35, 45... Becoming involved with a single mother is a package deal. There will be issues with mother and son for years to come.

On the otherhand, if you and your GF can come to a decision about a parenting method you both can agree upon both in discipline and becoming involved in his life, can be a very positive life-changing event for this young man. It could very well be he needs a male role model to give him guidance to become a man. Just because he is not your biological child, you certainly can be a positive influence in his life. I would greatly recommend consulting with a child psychologist to find the best approach considering his troubled lifepath right now.

It is not being selfish, but it is a very serious situation you need to soul search and come to a decision.

best wishes.
RoseRed is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-17-2011, 03:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: IL
Posts: 3,679
Default Re: Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel5112 View Post
"It bothers me that she would WANT to have Corkey move in under the circumstances. I wouldn't. That's a lot to ask."

I think sometimes, and I am saying this as a former single mother, we forget what a burden our kids can be on other people. ESPECIALLY people that we love and love us. We take for granted that they have been accepting of our "baggage" and fail to realize how hard they have to try to do that accepting.
Good point. I too have been in the position of the GF, but my kids (I have 2) weren't as troublesome as this one sounds. I let my husband decide for himself if he really and truly wanted to take us all on. I didn't want to force him into anything he wouldn't be 100% comfortable with as he had no children of his own. Moving in was something I didn't want to burden him with if he didn't feel ready for.

Things worked out for us, but this situation doesn't sound like it would have a happy ending though. My children were younger too which IMO makes a difference.
A Bit Much is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-17-2011, 03:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Michigan
Posts: 4
Default Re: Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

I get upset because the kid is so lazy and does nothing around the house. I know if we moved in together, I would not be holding my tongue when it comes to his lazing around. I can really foresee her son being a 25 year old, unemployed, do nothing laying on my couch and I know I do not want that.

Am I being selfish?
-----------------------------------------
Ah, in a word, NO! You are not being selfish... you are being realistic to what is.
When I was married I had 2 Step-Monsters. They made life a living hell and ultimately destroyed our marriage. Sir, cut your loses and RUN, run for the hills. I don't believe you are selfish but they sure are showing that attribute.
Lastly, I can tell you from experience that being subjected to that type of thing for a prolonged period of time WILL EFFECT your health in many ways.
franf is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-17-2011, 03:59 PM   #11 (permalink)
Lon
Member
 
Lon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 5,898
Default Re: Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

Quote:
Originally Posted by A Bit Much View Post
It bothers me that she would WANT to have Corkey move in under the circumstances. I wouldn't. That's a lot to ask.

Lon is right. Wait until he's out of the house or maybe end the relationship altogether.
And of course the other possibility is to just live well and lead her son, from a distance, by example... be true to yourself and the kid may just start to like you, or even if not he also will eventually begin to mature on his own, so maybe he will find his calling sooner rather than later.

I think the critical question to ask yourself, is why do you want to move in with her? Is it because its what she wants and you are seeking her approval, or do you think it is genuinely going to be a positive step for your relationship?
Lon is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-17-2011, 04:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
tacoma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,248
Default Re: Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

Quote:
Originally Posted by Corkey88 View Post
Am I being selfish? Should I be moving in with her as she wants or should I wait? Any thoughts would be appreciated.
DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER!!

Wait until that kid is out of the house before you even consider it.

If she has a problem with that then walk away, I`m not kidding.

You move in that house with that kid and you`re asking for hell on earth.

Don`t do it...you have been warned.

Edit:

Here`s another thing.

If you think the kid is going to move out when he`s 18 you`re in a delusion.

He`ll stick around as long as mommy allows it and she`ll allow it for..possibly... ever.

Personally I`d cut my losses and move on knowing what I know now but it seems we all have to learn the hard way.
tacoma is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-17-2011, 04:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: IL
Posts: 3,679
Default Re: Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

OP in relationships we are shown things. Red flags if you will. Take this one as the gift it is... you've been 'warned' so to speak of what could come by seeing it from the outside first. You now can make an informed decision about how to proceed.

I'd be relieved I saw this first BEFORE making a deeper commitment. That way if things didn't go well, I have no one else to blame but myself for jumping in.
A Bit Much is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-17-2011, 04:17 PM   #14 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 797
Default Re: Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

This kid has problems and your GF sounds like she is not addressing them. Grounding a teen does not help them with the underlying problems that are causing them to act out. He has no father in his life. This is a huge void for him. It probably makes him feel unwated, unloveable in some way because he dad doesn't care enough to have a relationship with him, and mom is ineffectual. This kid has nobody truly fighting for him in a way that will help him.

This kid needs therapy, your GF needs therapy, and you need to steer clear of this situation because he could be a problem for years to come.
Laurae1967 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-17-2011, 05:15 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
chillymorn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,964
Default Re: Girl friend is great but not sure about her son

Is his mother a good mother? sounds like hes been raising himself with no father figure to guide him and lead by example.

have a talk with his mom ask her why she puts up with it?
chillymorn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
my husband girl friend hereinthemidwest Considering Divorce or Separation 2 09-14-2013 09:19 AM
Girl Friend and Facebook bronxriver174 General Relationship Discussion 7 08-22-2012 11:33 AM
Need help with best friend (girl) salvadorboy13 General Relationship Discussion 7 05-28-2012 01:02 AM
Need opinion on my best friend (girl). salvadorboy13 General Relationship Discussion 2 05-26-2012 01:50 AM
New Girl Friend Questions drake35 General Relationship Discussion 3 05-01-2010 06:15 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:34 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.