Corkey88

I am a 40 year old male and I have been dating a wonderful woman for the just over 2 years now. She is divorced and has a 15 year old son from a previous relationship, not her marriage. The father of the 15 year old boy is not in the picture at all.

Here is my dilemma - the 15 year old boy is really troubled. He acts up in school, is nearly failing, and is disciplined regularly. He shows no interest in school or pretty much anything other than hanging with his friends and partying. This partying is further exacerbated by admitted drug use and drinking. He admitted to smoking marijuana with his friends saying he only did it "occasionally" and this includes drinking at parties as well. He also breaks rules around her home, allowing his friends to smoke cigarettes in his room when being told this is absolutely not allowed.

The other day he fell asleep at school and the teacher suspected he was high. My girlfriend grounds him and makes him stay home but he doesn't seem to be bothered by any of this. He is very unemotional and just doesn't care about anything.

I am 40 years old, never been married and I have no kids. I see this being a huge problem and it is certainly making me think twice about moving in with her. I get upset because the kid is so lazy and does nothing around the house. I know if we moved in together, I would not be holding my tongue when it comes to his lazing around. I can really foresee her son being a 25 year old, unemployed, do nothing laying on my couch and I know I do not want that.

Am I being selfish? Should I be moving in with her as she wants or should I wait? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

A Bit Much

Being cautious about the climate in that house isn't being selfish, it's being prudent.

Under the circumstances, it looks like your girlfriend has enough on her plate with just raising this kid. You don't need to add to her stress by moving in and fighting with her son (because I forsee that coming by a mile).

I think you should honestly tell her how you're feeling about this. You can't pretend this doesn't bother you, that's not going to be good for the long term. I know you probably don't want to sound like some insensitive jerk, being that this is about her kid. IMO, you won't. I think she'll appreciate your honesty if she cares for you. This is not something you're sure you want to be dealing with 24/7.

Lon

I agree with A Bit Much... It's not your role to discipline or raise her teenage son, he is nearly the age of consent and so whatever impression you have on him won't be a a parent/guardian or any kind of authority. Having you in their home takes away your role as man of your house, that has been relegated to this boy. If I were you, and I were otherwise happy with the relationship, I would maintain separate residences until her son becomes a man and moves out.

southern wife

It's not selfish at all, as others have stated. You are just at a place in your life where you know what you want, and don't want. Never having kids of your own, and then walking into a situation with a 15 year old, is like walking into a war zone. My advice is, don't do it. Be smart about moving forward with this person, if you choose to do so. As mentioned, wait until the kid is out of the house and then blend your life with hers. Good luck!

Needingsomeadvice

And by the sounds of it, it seems Corkey is really worried that 3-4 years is not a realistic time horizon if this kid doesn't sort out his issues. Could be more like 7 or 8 years if his mother allows it to go on that long.

I know I would not tolerate it and it would bother me tremendously to have some lazy ass man-boy laying on my couch, getting high and drinking with his buddies every day.

Lon

I too realize this, but it puts the onus of raising this teenager back onto the mom where it belongs... if she wants him to move in with her enough she will make it happen (which in this case is probably also better for the well-being of her son whom needs to start dealing with his own responsibilities). I suppose its a bit of a fitness test that Corkey is putting his GF through - because it is healthy for him to say he is not going to become something he isn't nor wants to be (a father to her son).

A Bit Much

It bothers me that she would WANT to have Corkey move in under the circumstances. I wouldn't. That's a lot to ask.

Lon is right. Wait until he's out of the house or maybe end the relationship altogether.

RoseRed

Corky - It is a very difficult life changing situation you have found yourself in. It all depends on you and your GF on how you want to approach this. Although the ultimate responsibility for the child is on the mother, it is obvious that she either does not have the skills, knowledge and strength for the upbringing of the teenage son.

Either you walk away from this challenge and break off the relationship. Stringing this along until the child moves out of the house, IMHO, is just a cop out. No matter what age the child moves out, he will be part of your GF life forever. If you don't want to deal with him at 15, you will not deal with him at 25, 35, 45... Becoming involved with a single mother is a package deal. There will be issues with mother and son for years to come.

On the otherhand, if you and your GF can come to a decision about a parenting method you both can agree upon both in discipline and becoming involved in his life, can be a very positive life-changing event for this young man. It could very well be he needs a male role model to give him guidance to become a man. Just because he is not your biological child, you certainly can be a positive influence in his life. I would greatly recommend consulting with a child psychologist to find the best approach considering his troubled lifepath right now.

It is not being selfish, but it is a very serious situation you need to soul search and come to a decision.

best wishes.

A Bit Much

Good point. I too have been in the position of the GF, but my kids (I have 2) weren't as troublesome as this one sounds. I let my husband decide for himself if he really and truly wanted to take us all on. I didn't want to force him into anything he wouldn't be 100% comfortable with as he had no children of his own. Moving in was something I didn't want to burden him with if he didn't feel ready for.

Things worked out for us, but this situation doesn't sound like it would have a happy ending though. My children were younger too which IMO makes a difference.

franf

I get upset because the kid is so lazy and does nothing around the house. I know if we moved in together, I would not be holding my tongue when it comes to his lazing around. I can really foresee her son being a 25 year old, unemployed, do nothing laying on my couch and I know I do not want that.

Am I being selfish?
-----------------------------------------
Ah, in a word, NO! You are not being selfish... you are being realistic to what is.
When I was married I had 2 Step-Monsters. They made life a living hell and ultimately destroyed our marriage. Sir, cut your loses and RUN, run for the hills. I don't believe you are selfish but they sure are showing that attribute.
Lastly, I can tell you from experience that being subjected to that type of thing for a prolonged period of time WILL EFFECT your health in many ways.

Lon

And of course the other possibility is to just live well and lead her son, from a distance, by example... be true to yourself and the kid may just start to like you, or even if not he also will eventually begin to mature on his own, so maybe he will find his calling sooner rather than later.

I think the critical question to ask yourself, is why do you want to move in with her? Is it because its what she wants and you are seeking her approval, or do you think it is genuinely going to be a positive step for your relationship?

tacoma

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER!!

Wait until that kid is out of the house before you even consider it.

If she has a problem with that then walk away, I`m not kidding.

You move in that house with that kid and you`re asking for hell on earth.

Don`t do it...you have been warned.

Edit:

Here`s another thing.

If you think the kid is going to move out when he`s 18 you`re in a delusion.

He`ll stick around as long as mommy allows it and she`ll allow it for..possibly... ever.

Personally I`d cut my losses and move on knowing what I know now but it seems we all have to learn the hard way.

A Bit Much

OP in relationships we are shown things. Red flags if you will. Take this one as the gift it is... you've been 'warned' so to speak of what could come by seeing it from the outside first. You now can make an informed decision about how to proceed.

I'd be relieved I saw this first BEFORE making a deeper commitment. That way if things didn't go well, I have no one else to blame but myself for jumping in.

Laurae1967

This kid has problems and your GF sounds like she is not addressing them. Grounding a teen does not help them with the underlying problems that are causing them to act out. He has no father in his life. This is a huge void for him. It probably makes him feel unwated, unloveable in some way because he dad doesn't care enough to have a relationship with him, and mom is ineffectual. This kid has nobody truly fighting for him in a way that will help him.

This kid needs therapy, your GF needs therapy, and you need to steer clear of this situation because he could be a problem for years to come.

chillymorn

Is his mother a good mother? sounds like hes been raising himself with no father figure to guide him and lead by example.

have a talk with his mom ask her why she puts up with it?