General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi all, I'm new here and really hurting so I guess this is the right place. Two weeks ago my wife of 7 years told me that she was going to drink and I could either deal with it or not. i didn't know what to say, so she packed up her clothes and went to her mothers. I have tried everything I can to get her to talk and try to work it out. But nothing. Told me today by email that she wasn't mad at me, but was mad at herself for getting into such a state of self loathing... Mix the alcohol in with the fact that she has RA, is addicted to pain killers, has seasonal depression and has had gastric bypass and it feels like the perfect storm. Top that off with the fact that today I had to put our dog down due to age and being in pain and I'm suffering. I let her know that the dog was hurting and that this was coming and left her a message that it had taken place. Nothing from her, not even an R U okay. Thanks for any feedback.
Welcome to the family! I am very sorry for what you are going through right now. There are some great people on here who can really give you some guidance and advice on how you can try to fix the state of your relationship. Just pray about it and trust that God will fix what needs fixed. Sometimes when we have problems we tend to run and hide because admitting that you have a bad habit or addiction is hurtful to everyone involved and can really be embarrassing. Just give her some time and like I said pray about it.
LBA, What a horrible situation you are in. So sorry about your dog. They are the loyalist of companions. The only advice i can provide is to focus on the good things in your life. Whenever addiction is involved the whole situation becomes much more complicated. if it were me I would tell her to choose the booze and drugs or me. kinda like an intervention. I am not sure of the resources available to you but if she chooses to seek help do whatever it takes to get the proper help she needs. best of luck and keep faith that better times are ahead.
I'm really sorry. I know it is really difficult to live with an addict - the ups and downs. I'm not sure if this pertains to your wife's situation or not, but I write a blog about people who get gastric bypass surgery and then develop addictions and depression and personality changes that they didn't have prior to the surgery. I believe it is related to the bypass of the intestines and complications of long term nutrient deficiency and what it does to the brain and body. I am all too familiar with others that have had gastric bypass surgery and have gone through something similar (except the RA) to what you are describing that your wife is going through. Every situation is different of course and your wife has to want to get better. If you think this may pertain to your situation, and the drinking and addiction to pills started after the gastric bypass surgery, it may be related. There is a study out of the Karolinska Institut that shows this is occurring at significantly higher hazard ratios among those patients that had their intestines bypassed than those that had the lap band type procedure. It quadruples your risk of developing a substance abuse problem and/or alcoholism and suicide attempt and more than doubles risk of depression.
If you think your wife might want information on how to get better, let me know. If not, I'm afraid there's not much you can do except take care of yourself. You may not be ready to attend an Alanon meeting yet (or maybe you are) but there is some good information on the web about how to care for yourself while living with an addict. It's geared toward alcohol, but just sort of change it about to suit your situation. It can be very helpful. So often all the energy is on the drama of the addict that there is none left for you, and you have to remember to save some for you, as you sadly had to find out recently with the death of your dog. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish you all the best, for yourself and your wife.
If your wife decides she wants more info, she can look me up on the web: itsnotaddictiontransfer
Gatorgirl, thanks for the information. Everything that I have read says the same thing. I feel like I'm fighting for something that I can't win.. I love her, but she has basically shut off all communication and I doubt if she would even listen/read the blog.
She has chosen something else over you, in my eyes that's the bottom line. I was there too once with an alcoholic ex wife. It took me a while to realize I could not win and thus I divorced her after it led to worse and infidelity on her part, she is also most likely bipolar (my ex). I'm much happier now but hope you guys can work it out
Sorry to hear that you ended up in divorce wheels. you are correct, she is bi-polar, so mixing all of those things together, RA, Gastric Bypass, pain pills and drinking it's like the worst of storms. I received an email from her saying that she wasn't mad, but that she was filled with self loathing. Right now, I'm angry, all i've been trying to do is be supportive and it's like I keep getting kicked in the head. I feel like sending her a message letting her know how disappointed in her that I am, but I know it would fall on deaf ears. I'm also getting tired of being so nice and understanding about everything. It feels like I'm just giving her a free pass. Obviously I'm confused....
I was there too LBA and it sucks, I had a reality to face and that was I had to take care of me and accept that I cannot change her or "fix" her but I could make my life better, so thus I did. Sorry about your dog too man.
If she wants to change she will, she has to want it for herself, she has to love herself before she can love you...and for me that day never came.
It was not an easy decision but I filed for divorce and let her go. Since then her addictions and biploar behavior I can now see with crystal clear vision as we talk occasionally (children/family) and I do not regret my decision. I wish you all the best and hope she makes the right choice or you do
Hi all. Thanks for the feedback. I haven't spoken with my wife for a few days, then last night she calls me three times. I didn't take the call, but I did text to see if she was okay. She said she was calling to tell me "Not to contest the divorce, and I should be getting served this week". I told her I understand and then wished her a happy thanksgiving and told her that I love her and will be there if she needs me. She just replied that I am "too toxic". I think she was drunk again, based on her use of one word "Nope" which she only uses when she's drunk. Is it normal for an alcoholic to say that the spouse's love is "too toxic"? I have read some of the things on line about toxic love and I'm beginning to wonder if this is all my fault. Her drinking, taking the Loratabs, being depressed. Any thoughts? Thanks.
Hi all. Thanks for the feedback. I haven't spoken with my wife for a few days, then last night she calls me three times. I didn't take the call, but I did text to see if she was okay. She said she was calling to tell me "Not to contest the divorce, and I should be getting served this week". I told her I understand and then wished her a happy thanksgiving and told her that I love her and will be there if she needs me. She just replied that I am "too toxic". I think she was drunk again, based on her use of one word "Nope" which she only uses when she's drunk. Is it normal for an alcoholic to say that the spouse's love is "too toxic"? I have read some of the things on line about toxic love and I'm beginning to wonder if this is all my fault. Her drinking, taking the Loratabs, being depressed. Any thoughts? Thanks.
Sorry I didn't see your post before. My wife is bipolar, so I would've replied. She has pretty incredible obstacles in her life, yet you are probably the one who tries to keep her doing the right things, so I don't think its likely that you are toxic. Her situation is toxic. All you can do, in my opinion, is be strong and not give in to her unhealthy addiction. Support her when she allows, but accept that she has to want help.
Do you think you should tell her rheumatoligist about the drinking? I wonder if she is putting her life at risk here?
The biggest challenge that you face, in my opinion, is trying to blame yourself for her unhappiness. If your insurance covers it, I'd recommend indivicual counseling. It was a long journey for me to quit blaming myself for my wife's unhappiness.
Halien, thanks for the reply. I am in counseling, one of the first things I did. Really needed to talk this out with someone who had experience but no personal view. The person I'm talking with deals with a lot of drug and alcohol abuse, so I guess it was divine intervention that sent me to him. I almost didn't go. He said that mixing all of the things together, Bipolar, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Alcohol, pain pills, it's not only a lethal combination but a perfect storm ready to explode... I have considered talking with her rheumatologist, but I'm worried about stepping across some line. I spoke with the pharmacy and asked them if they could do anything about her filling her loratabs early, but there wasn't anything I could do. I know this isn't correct, but the key thing that caused all of this was that I tried to see what i could do to help with the drinking. I'm sure that wasn't actually what pushed the button, but when I didn't agree to just letting her drink and dealing with it, she left. It's just hard to spend thanksgiving without her, but it doesn't seem like it affects her at all. Perhaps I'm jealous that she can just turn a switch and not worry about me at all.. But then I tell myself that I don't want to be that kind of person, so I try to be supportive with a positive message. She's just not listening.
Someone in that state will never listen in my experience, think about it, medication, bipolar, booze...her mind is totally clouded. Its not like you are dealing with rationality. I fought the good fight with my ex in a very similar situation and lost. I now realize I could have never won.
It may sound selfish but right now you need to do good for you in light of the pending divorce. Fight for yourself, she has made her position clear. Look at it this way, this situation needs a sober driver...you
Need Advice and Support 
o
