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Wife said she is disappointed with our lives

11K views 74 replies 27 participants last post by  Chuck71 
#1 · (Edited)
Hi,

My wife and I are in our mid-forties. We have three children and we have been together for 20 years, married 16. 15 years ago we were forced to move from my home country and moved to the UK, where my wife is from originally.

I had a well-paid job as a Business Development Manager for a software company, which allowed my wife to stay at home and look after our two kids. We bought a small house in a relatively downmarket neighbourhood, it was all we could afford as we had lost everything when we were forced to move.

Neither of us was particularly happy living in the UK, we had been used to more space, better weather and less crowded living conditions. We dreamed of moving to a Mediterranean country to bring our children up in the sunshine. We eventually did this, but understood that it was risky proposition, financially speaking.

We bought a small business, which my wife ran, and things were idyllic until the financial crisis hit two years later. The business took a hit and my wife decided that she would prefer to get a job as a teacher than struggle on with the business. I took over running the business, which remained profitable but didn't make enough money to justify the amount of time I was spending on it. My wife put pressure on me to earn more money somehow, and I did my best with the limited set of skills I had to offer in this foreign environment and with the highest unemployment rate in the Western world at the time. Arguments about money were frequent, with my wife laying the blame at my feet.

Our relationship was rocky and I ended up having an online affair, which my wife found out about. In the aftermath we renewed our relationship and improved our sex lives. Money was still an issue, but in between arguments we were very happy and enjoyed our lives in the sun, with trips back and forth to the UK every summer and Christmas.

One day a bomb dropped, my wife was pregnant with our third child. There was a huge gap between our first two and the third child, and we were in no position to look after a young baby. My wife took six months maternity leave and then it was down to me to look after the baby, which I did happily, but running the business at the same time was impossible. I closed the business and got evening work. I would look after the baby during the day while my wife worked, then she would take over when I went to work in the evenings. It was tough, but we made it happen

Now the youngest is at school and I have slowly built up more work during the day and in the evenings, though it is still not really enough for the life we want to live and we are often short of money towards the end of the month. We still fight often about money, with my wife generally laying the blame on me.

My wife began to feel very stressed about our future and this culminated in a huge argument and her telling me that our life together has been a big disappointment for her. This upset me and I suggested that perhaps we should separate, with my going back to the UK to earn more money to support her and the kids. This rattled her and she has retracted what she said, is very apologetic and wants us to move forward.

I sat down and put together a spreadsheet showing our current financial position and what we would have when we retire and how we are going to get the kids through university. Our situation is not at all bad and this process has made her feel much more relaxed.

The problem is I find being a 'disappointment' hard to deal with. She says she is hormonal and perhaps pre-menopausal and I should forget what she said. That is not so easy as she had implied the same several times during our marriage, although she has never been so direct and explicit.

My feeling is that we went on this adventure together, with promises that we would be mutually supportive if things didn't work out and instead she has blamed me for our predicament. Apart from the perennial shortage of money we have a great life, which is the envy of family and friends. Our children are being educated at the private school where my wife works and we live in a nice house close to the beach. in the last ten years we have had three foreign holidays, outside of the trips to the UK, and our kids have everything they need materially. Healthcare is free and of a high standard here, and we have managed to do all the dental work etc that the kids have needed. I feel her blaming me is unfair and her disappointment is unfounded.

Sorry this is so long and not very exciting but I would appreciate any comments and/or advice you might have.
 
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#2 ·
Well, I can give you no advice on this issue, in fact I have somewhat the same problem. Everything is actually great, but money is a disappointment, and I feel I am the cause. So I am anxious to see what you find you can do about it.
 
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#4 ·
I think you've done amazingly well under difficult external circumstances. Wouldn't we all like to be better off financially, though? Your wife is a partner is this, and if she feels that better choices could have been made to improve your circumstances, she should have spoken up or done more herself to make more money. At this point, if she's not happy, ask her what the two of you can do to improve things - surely if she has a problem, she must have ideas on a solution!
 
#5 ·
Because of where we live it is very difficult to improve our financial situation without uprooting the whole family. She doesn't want to leave and neither do I. She says that she is over it, she is happy and wants to forget about what she said, but we have been there before and it will come up again. I don't think it is healthy to sweep things under the carpet.
 
#6 ·
I don't think your situation is uncommon. I would urge you not to take her frustration personally.

I would ask you, though: Do you feel disappointed in yourself? Is that why her words hurt?
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#8 ·
No, I don't feel disappointed in myself. I feel like I have adapted to the changing situation; becoming a SAHD, learning a new language, finding flexible work etc. The reason why it hurt is my view and her view of the last 10 years seem to be so different; I see a life well led, well rounded kids, adventure. On the face of it she feels the same way, but when we are having a tough month she lashes out.
 
#7 ·
OP,

You have done well, and her statements may be as she says due to pre menopause. But the old saying goes "listen to what someone is telling you".

If she is "disappointed in her life, unhappy in general, blaming you for the difficulties, and on and on, guess what is likely to come next???? The old " I love you but I am not in love with you".

And at her age, add in the hormones, and the statements she is making to you, do not be surprised if another man pops up on the horizon. May even be there already. Women of her age who are "unhappy" are obviously more vulnerable to "Prince Charming" showing up.

In my opinion, separating and you going to another country is basically signing the death knell on your marriage, and you will be in the other country when you find out about her new boyfriend.

You need to face this head on, get some MC if you think it would be helpful, and sort this out one way or the other. If she is "checked out" it will be less painful to find this out than be whacked with infirdelity later.

And remember this. The problems in your marriage belong to BOTH of you, so do not accept her blaming you for everything. And remember, when women get in her frame of mind,m especially where you had some type of affair, it is very easy for them to justify anythin g they do as "they deserve to be happy". You also might want to pay attention to "girlfriends" she may spend a lot of time with because peer acceptance and agreement with them many times has an effect that anything they do is OK.

Stpe up and face the future with open eyes and keep your head out of the sand.
 
#18 · (Edited)
And remember this. The problems in your marriage belong to BOTH of you, so do not accept her blaming you for everything. And remember, when women get in her frame of mind, especially where you had some type of affair, it is very easy for them to justify anything they do as "they deserve to be happy". You also might want to pay attention to "girlfriends" she may spend a lot of time with because peer acceptance and agreement with them many times has an effect that anything they do is OK.
Bold is bang on, but yes. The EA was silly.

And woe betide a man who doesn't provide (what she sees fit). But just a second, the ladies all want careers nowadays don't they? If she's earning more than he could, he can be a SAHD and everything works out just fine, right? He'll be well respected by her for keeping house and bringing up the kids, right? That's where we're heading isn't it?
 
#14 · (Edited)
Your wife is playing the victim and that is a recipe for disaster.

We are each responsible for our own happiness.

She seems to have lost respect for you. Are you still the same man
she married or have you turned into the "modern nice guy man"

SAHD's have a hard time keeping their wives attraction. Many threads
here demonstrating this.

Did she rugsweep your EA? This could built up resentment on her part

Is your sex life awesome?
 
#26 ·
Your wife is playing the victim and that is a recipe for disaster.

We are each responsible for our own happiness.

She seems to have lost respect for you. Are you still the same man
she married or have you turned into the "modern nice guy man"

SAHD's have a hard time keeping their wives attraction. Many threads
here demonstrating this.

Did she rugsweep your EA? This could built up resentment on her part

Is your sex life awesome?
No, none of those are an issue. Our sex life is better than ever. The EA was dealt with in a healthy way and we comfortably talk about it now.
 
#17 ·
OP, if you haven't shown her this post, have you at least had a serious talk with her, where you've laid out all of the same feelings that you've conveyed in writing here?

If you haven't, then you are setting expectations of her that she knows nothing about. You're expecting her to react in a certain way when she does not have full context. That's called a covert contract. You have to be clear and up-front about your expectations. You can't assume that your wife knows what you do, how hard you work, what you really contribute, or how well off you are financially. She lives in her own reality, not yours. Do you know absolutely everything she feels she contributes?

It's good that you laid the finances out on a spreadsheet so she could clearly see a plan. She probably feels relieved to know that you have been planning. She can't know unless you share with her.

If you haven't yet had a talk with her, I'd do this right now before one more day passes. As FSJ expressed above, do it gently and do not get upset with her. She needs to feel comfortable being HER honest self, too.

A lot of people are blind to the good things they do have, and instead focus on what they do not.

Women will not just trust their men unless they have had a historical reason to. It's not fair, but it's been my experience. Your online affair obviously hurt that trust. We don't even have a full picture of it - how far did it go and how did you get caught? Or did you confess?

Maybe she needs a little more convincing that things are going well. Maybe she needs to be a little more comforted. Women pick at men because they are unsure and are testing them. You've got nothing to worry about in my mind when it comes to logistics - you seem like a very prepared man that has always looked out for the interests of his family. Continue to show her this and be confident about it. But be aware that if you have not tackled your infidelity to HER satisfaction, then she may have many unresolved issues that keep her from trusting you completely.
 
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#20 ·
I dont know if this a trust issue or a never happy issue.

There are people out there who are never satisfied. Can have happy healthy kids who visit with their grandkids a lot. A decent house, nice vehicle, take vacations, etc etc. But for some its never enough. They arent happy. They fixate on what they dont have. What they didnt get. They lack perspective. They simply dont enjoy the simple things in life enough.

Does it mean they are bad people? I guess not. But to me they are sad sad people. But when they start blaming other people for all their dont haves? Ughh.
 
#23 ·
When the going got tough...

first, you cheated...

Then when it got tough again...

You suggested you two split.

You're disappointing me as a man right now.

Stop being a bad husband and man up.

You two took vows together. For better or worse, for richer or poorer.

Be the emotional leader of your household. Your wife wants to hear that you have this under control and you're going to get the family through anything. She wants to hear that together you two can accomplish anything and overcome any hardship. Instead she heard "maybe we should separate". That's really chicken sh*t of you to suggest that.

Be the leader of your family and the rock they can all depend on. That's how a man behaves.

Don't make me come there and smack you around. Just kidding, but serious about the message. You fix this. Go apologize to your wife about the "maybe we should split up" comment and assure her that you love her with all your heart and you're going to lead the family through any troubles....and then do it.
 
#73 ·
Disagree. We don't know that the OP has fallen short in the income / finances department. All we know is that his W wishes she had more. And that his kids go to private school and they vacation internationally twice a year.

Yeah he needs to apologize for the emotional affair. But if he is making good money and has a workable financial planthen he does not have to apologize for not meeting her need for wealth. Nor does he need to offer to work harder to placate her.

In fact he should do the opposite. "Wife, I don't want to work 12 hour days or travel regularly. I make a good salary and we will be fine by my plan. We can discuss your disappointment, but I have done well under difficult circumstances and won't live under a presumption that I am somehow deficient."
 
#25 ·
I miss the angle of her having grown a deep resentment because she is the provider of the family, and not you. Rational it can be wise and accepted, but emotionally, even subconscious only, it can be a whole other story. Like mentioned there can even grow an affair because of this resentment. The SAHD is a vulnerable position, and I feel the natural way is deep down what the woman actually wants. If she has an outdoor career there can be a development difference with the homebody in style, subjects to talk about etc. etc. that is like ravine between the High life working woman and the SAHD.
 
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#27 ·
Your post really hits home since I'm dealing with the same thing every day. My wife is from a fairly well off family and she has a cousin who married a millionaire. The life we have has been a financial struggle at times, but we certainly aren't poor although she clearly feels that it's not what she envisioned for herself and that I am a disappointment. It's led to lots of almost downright hatred between us and has basically wrecked our lives. I came from a relatively poor family but worked my ass off to become my family's first college graduate. In that respect I don't see myself as a disappointment but she and her family always has. I'll never be good enough for them. It's made me feel so horrible.
 
#32 ·
How do you cope with that? I mean, some people say you have to define your own success measure and let others think what they want, but how to do that in real life?
 
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#30 ·
For clarity, I suggested separation not as a threat but as the only real solution to our financial issues. It is impossible for me to earn more money than I am here, the only way to meaningfully increase our income is for me to go back to the UK. Going back and remitting money to her was the only realistic solution. I asked her if the financial problems were more important than staying together and she said absolutely not.

As for being a SAHD, that decision was made because my wife's job is at a private British school. The kids attend for free because she works there. If she had left her job we would have had to pull the kids out of the school, and the British system,and put them into the local system. This would have been a massive upheaval for everyone and destroyed the plan for their educational futures (British university).

The new baby coming along, although we were told it would never happen, derailed everybody's life and I had to step up to the plate and do what needed to be done. My wife resented the fact that she could not stay at home with the baby, after the initial six months, and that the older kids' education depended on her.
 
#34 ·
Was she financially insecure as a child/younger person at some point?

Why were you forced to move from your home country originally? That seems a big piece that's missing here.

Also, like someone else said, maybe she resents that when things got tough before your solution was an online affair. Perhaps she's concerned about money because she's concerned how she's going to pay for the kids if you decide to have another affair and leave. Did you ever really deal with the affair? Go to counseling?
 
#37 ·
Was she financially insecure as a child/younger person at some point?
No, the opposite. Her father was successful and distinguished.

Why were you forced to move from your home country originally? That seems a big piece that's missing here.
It fell apart.

Also, like someone else said, maybe she resents that when things got tough before your solution was an online affair. Perhaps she's concerned about money because she's concerned how she's going to pay for the kids if you decide to have another affair and leave. Did you ever really deal with the affair? Go to counseling?
Yes. As far as she is concerned the 'affair' was a wake up call, and a misdemeanor.
 
#40 ·
Things have escalated. We argued and she listed things I did not do to improve our financial situation, accused me of torpedoing her attempt to take a year off to be with the baby and said I had not done enough to 'make her dreams come true'.

She affirmed that she holds me solely responsible and that she is above reproach, as she had done everything she could have to improve the situation.

I take this as a devastating and inaccurate character assassination and find it hard to imagine moving on. I have again suggested separation, which is wrong on my part but I feel that I have no other card to play.
 
#45 ·
J&J your wife is acting very much like an entitled princess instead of an equal and supporting partner. There is very little you can do - she has to need to go to counselling when she hears that from not just you but others too. Until then you have to simply say "I do not agree with your view of the situation and the history here and would really suggest that you get a professional 3rd party view of what you are saying and please let me tell my side of the story so the counsellor gets both sides of the story" - only then might she see that perhaps what she is expecting etc is unfair and unrealistic.

I would be very curious as to know what your country is, especially when you say it fell apart. In my opinion countries that have "fallen apart economically" include: Greece, Turkey, Spain, Italy, South Africa etc.
 
#48 ·
I don't understand why you call your threats of separation a "card" to play. That insinuates you're in some kind of a game.

This is no game, and if you're going to make a threat, at least have the strength to follow through, otherwise it's hot air and more fuel for her (unfair) justification that you're inadequate.

One of you needs to act like an adult here.
 
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