Hi,
My wife and I are in our mid-forties. We have three children and we have been together for 20 years, married 16. 15 years ago we were forced to move from my home country and moved to the UK, where my wife is from originally.
I had a well-paid job as a Business Development Manager for a software company, which allowed my wife to stay at home and look after our two kids. We bought a small house in a relatively downmarket neighbourhood, it was all we could afford as we had lost everything when we were forced to move.
Neither of us was particularly happy living in the UK, we had been used to more space, better weather and less crowded living conditions. We dreamed of moving to a Mediterranean country to bring our children up in the sunshine. We eventually did this, but understood that it was risky proposition, financially speaking.
We bought a small business, which my wife ran, and things were idyllic until the financial crisis hit two years later. The business took a hit and my wife decided that she would prefer to get a job as a teacher than struggle on with the business. I took over running the business, which remained profitable but didn't make enough money to justify the amount of time I was spending on it. My wife put pressure on me to earn more money somehow, and I did my best with the limited set of skills I had to offer in this foreign environment and with the highest unemployment rate in the Western world at the time. Arguments about money were frequent, with my wife laying the blame at my feet.
Our relationship was rocky and I ended up having an online affair, which my wife found out about. In the aftermath we renewed our relationship and improved our sex lives. Money was still an issue, but in between arguments we were very happy and enjoyed our lives in the sun, with trips back and forth to the UK every summer and Christmas.
One day a bomb dropped, my wife was pregnant with our third child. There was a huge gap between our first two and the third child, and we were in no position to look after a young baby. My wife took six months maternity leave and then it was down to me to look after the baby, which I did happily, but running the business at the same time was impossible. I closed the business and got evening work. I would look after the baby during the day while my wife worked, then she would take over when I went to work in the evenings. It was tough, but we made it happen
Now the youngest is at school and I have slowly built up more work during the day and in the evenings, though it is still not really enough for the life we want to live and we are often short of money towards the end of the month. We still fight often about money, with my wife generally laying the blame on me.
My wife began to feel very stressed about our future and this culminated in a huge argument and her telling me that our life together has been a big disappointment for her. This upset me and I suggested that perhaps we should separate, with my going back to the UK to earn more money to support her and the kids. This rattled her and she has retracted what she said, is very apologetic and wants us to move forward.
I sat down and put together a spreadsheet showing our current financial position and what we would have when we retire and how we are going to get the kids through university. Our situation is not at all bad and this process has made her feel much more relaxed.
The problem is I find being a 'disappointment' hard to deal with. She says she is hormonal and perhaps pre-menopausal and I should forget what she said. That is not so easy as she had implied the same several times during our marriage, although she has never been so direct and explicit.
My feeling is that we went on this adventure together, with promises that we would be mutually supportive if things didn't work out and instead she has blamed me for our predicament. Apart from the perennial shortage of money we have a great life, which is the envy of family and friends. Our children are being educated at the private school where my wife works and we live in a nice house close to the beach. in the last ten years we have had three foreign holidays, outside of the trips to the UK, and our kids have everything they need materially. Healthcare is free and of a high standard here, and we have managed to do all the dental work etc that the kids have needed. I feel her blaming me is unfair and her disappointment is unfounded.
Sorry this is so long and not very exciting but I would appreciate any comments and/or advice you might have.
My wife and I are in our mid-forties. We have three children and we have been together for 20 years, married 16. 15 years ago we were forced to move from my home country and moved to the UK, where my wife is from originally.
I had a well-paid job as a Business Development Manager for a software company, which allowed my wife to stay at home and look after our two kids. We bought a small house in a relatively downmarket neighbourhood, it was all we could afford as we had lost everything when we were forced to move.
Neither of us was particularly happy living in the UK, we had been used to more space, better weather and less crowded living conditions. We dreamed of moving to a Mediterranean country to bring our children up in the sunshine. We eventually did this, but understood that it was risky proposition, financially speaking.
We bought a small business, which my wife ran, and things were idyllic until the financial crisis hit two years later. The business took a hit and my wife decided that she would prefer to get a job as a teacher than struggle on with the business. I took over running the business, which remained profitable but didn't make enough money to justify the amount of time I was spending on it. My wife put pressure on me to earn more money somehow, and I did my best with the limited set of skills I had to offer in this foreign environment and with the highest unemployment rate in the Western world at the time. Arguments about money were frequent, with my wife laying the blame at my feet.
Our relationship was rocky and I ended up having an online affair, which my wife found out about. In the aftermath we renewed our relationship and improved our sex lives. Money was still an issue, but in between arguments we were very happy and enjoyed our lives in the sun, with trips back and forth to the UK every summer and Christmas.
One day a bomb dropped, my wife was pregnant with our third child. There was a huge gap between our first two and the third child, and we were in no position to look after a young baby. My wife took six months maternity leave and then it was down to me to look after the baby, which I did happily, but running the business at the same time was impossible. I closed the business and got evening work. I would look after the baby during the day while my wife worked, then she would take over when I went to work in the evenings. It was tough, but we made it happen
Now the youngest is at school and I have slowly built up more work during the day and in the evenings, though it is still not really enough for the life we want to live and we are often short of money towards the end of the month. We still fight often about money, with my wife generally laying the blame on me.
My wife began to feel very stressed about our future and this culminated in a huge argument and her telling me that our life together has been a big disappointment for her. This upset me and I suggested that perhaps we should separate, with my going back to the UK to earn more money to support her and the kids. This rattled her and she has retracted what she said, is very apologetic and wants us to move forward.
I sat down and put together a spreadsheet showing our current financial position and what we would have when we retire and how we are going to get the kids through university. Our situation is not at all bad and this process has made her feel much more relaxed.
The problem is I find being a 'disappointment' hard to deal with. She says she is hormonal and perhaps pre-menopausal and I should forget what she said. That is not so easy as she had implied the same several times during our marriage, although she has never been so direct and explicit.
My feeling is that we went on this adventure together, with promises that we would be mutually supportive if things didn't work out and instead she has blamed me for our predicament. Apart from the perennial shortage of money we have a great life, which is the envy of family and friends. Our children are being educated at the private school where my wife works and we live in a nice house close to the beach. in the last ten years we have had three foreign holidays, outside of the trips to the UK, and our kids have everything they need materially. Healthcare is free and of a high standard here, and we have managed to do all the dental work etc that the kids have needed. I feel her blaming me is unfair and her disappointment is unfounded.
Sorry this is so long and not very exciting but I would appreciate any comments and/or advice you might have.