Just got married ... Is this normal? Doesn't feel right?

Rookie · 01-03-2009, 09:59 PM

I hope you can help with some advice ... I just got married about four months ago and this doesn't feel right.

I just got married a little over four months ago and it seems that soon after our wedding things started to change between us. We use to spend a lot of time together and had great communication. A few weeks into our marriage which everyone calls the 'honeymoon' stage ... we started to drift apart. He developed or showed me a temper which did not allow us to talk about nearly anything. Anything I questioned, even in the kindest of ways, was an 'attack' to him. His temper flares constantly. He changes from the most loving man to calling me horrible things, punching doors and making me feel like things are my fault. It's as if for a moment he's out of control.

I know people get mad and say things but the frequency of all this has really affected they way I feel ... I never thought I'd me miserable just four months into my marriage.

I'm not happy and could not imaging living like this for the rest of my life.

What should I do?

draconis · 01-03-2009, 11:22 PM

Have him get anger management quick, it isn't uncommon for a person to seem to change once they are married.

draconis

Wyst · 01-04-2009, 08:18 AM

This sounds petty awful. I hope he will be willing to consider anger management counselling of some sort. But, if every little question you ask is making him feel "attacked" then asking for this might just leave him feeling more attacked.

Maybe try writing him a letter? Something that explains when he acts xxx you feel yyy. Focussing on how you are feeling when communicating, rather than how terrible what he does is, can make what you are trying to say less threatening.

MsLady · 01-04-2009, 03:30 PM

Get him to go anger management and get you both into couple's counseling. His behavior is not normal AT ALL. It is the beginning signs of an abusive husband. All the red flags are there. With some men, you get to see that side of them while dating. With others, you don't see it until the papers are signed and he begins to view you as his property. Or maybe you weren't living together before the wedding?

Please do not accept this behavior as normal. Try the counseling/ anger management route and if he's not willing to go or it doesn't help ... leave him. Time alone will not change him and his anger will eventually get you physically hurt.

Wanted to add from personal experience that my husband's cousin went through the same thing. She dated a guy, all was well, they got married and he started doing the same things your husband is doing. Within no less than a year, he was beating on her. She left him shortly after that and has never looked back.

justean · 01-04-2009, 04:13 PM

when i married the first H, H drastically changed.
personally i think for him the marriage was a responsibility than a relationship.
i think he just snapped inside and couldnt cope with the idea of lifetime commitment and marriage vows.
marriage wasnt really right and we were both 21 at the time.
to young, when you consider we knew nothing about life itself, yet we were old enough to get married.
his anger and temper became more noticable afterwards.
i was also hit, took no notice in the courting yrs. just naive.
but i certainly noticed it after we married and the intensity of the hitting.
we separated after 15 months. but i wish it was sooner.
as hard as this sounds.
i married for my vows and i believe in them, but they dont give you a right to be abused and treated with indignity.

marina72 · 01-05-2009, 10:55 PM

I have to tend to agree with MsLady and justean... this doesn't seem normal at all to me. I dated a guy like this, I dumped him and ran, literally away, I didn't look back, he tried to get me back, I told him to go jump in a lake. I know you are married, but there is no way you could possibly have known he would morph into this, unless he showed you signs before the marriage. But if he can't get help, and fix his problems, then I wouldn't stay either. I've leave. You are worth more than being treated that way. Good luck....

ps. if you tell him your concerns, and he freaks out and goes balistic, then that's a clue that he's not the one for you, or anyone for that matter.

Adorei · 01-06-2009, 01:41 PM

I agree with Wyst about writing a letter. I've found that doing that works wonders because you aren't in the heat of the moment. You can say exactly what you want to and he can't start a fight with you because you aren't sitting in front of him saying anything. It could give him time to think.

Blanca · 01-06-2009, 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bajaczy

A few weeks into our marriage which everyone calls the 'honeymoon' stage ... we started to drift apart. He developed or showed me a temper which did not allow us to talk about nearly anything.

my H is a lot like this. he really catered to me in the beginning of our relationship. i thought everything was just great b/c he did just about whatever i wanted. but that stopped and another side of him showed up. i never thought he had a temper. but boy does he ever. i was just too emotionally naive to realize i was being very self-involved and not really seeing him. i was just taking, and not being very observant. now im seeing he's not the person i thought he was at all.

your H needs anger management, but im guessing he wont go for that right now. you certainly need to go for counseling. the worst thing that can happen is you keep allowing him to control you with his temper. dont let him intimidate you. learn how to not be the victim.

whirlwind · 02-03-2010, 07:59 AM

Hi Rookie, Has anything changed, I`m in the same place as you, on all levels and I`m not sure I could mention anger management to my husband ? I feel life would be happy if I left but I so want my marriage to work, but I dont know how!!! help anyone

scarletblue · 02-03-2010, 08:31 AM

It could be that all the things he voluntarily do (like call you if he's going to be late, include you in plans, etc...) he now feels he HAS to do. He could feel like he's lost some freedom and his sense of self and is resenting you for it. That was my situation early on in my marriage. We worked it out after some arguments and almost giving up. I had to get it through to him that I wasn't the enemy and I wasn't trying to take any thing away from him. It's been pretty much awesome ever since.

Now it could be like what happened to my friend. They got married and then he changed. He started yelling and criticizing everything. Then he started to push her around, throw things at her. He finally admitted that he did what he had to do to get her to marry him. He'd said that this was the real him and figured she was stuck since they'd gotten married. She filed for divorce 3 months into the marriage.

Only you know what situation you are in. The fact that he's punching doors and stuff worries me. I think you need to have a "Honey, I need to talk to you, and try not to get mad, because if we don't figure this out, the marriage is over" conversations.

Mittens · 02-03-2010, 10:43 AM

I'm with Scarlettblue - my hubby and I had been together and living together for a few years before we got married, but for whatever reason right after the wedding he got the same way.
Angry, resentful, I couldn't say anything right, etc etc.
And like ScarlettBlue, I got to the point of almost walking away (with full intentions of it) and for whatever reason that sunk into his mind that I wasn't trying to impede on him and his freedoms / independence etc, and everything was the same as before! And now things are as they should be and life is pretty darn good.
He's also since then bought, read, and participated in anger management books, and I think that has helped tremendously as well.
Just my experience / $0.02.....