Hello.
This is my attempt to get an opinion from a group of people who are not my friends and are not biased in a sense of being protective of me. I’m not convinced I’m not over-reacting and trying to gather up some opinions.
I am thinking about postponing my wedding.
I split up with the ex-husband in January 2014 (lack of moral or financial support, drinking, name calling lack of involvement with children, living apart x 1.5 yrs due to jobs being in different states). The divorce has dragged out and was final in December 2015.
I took about a year after the break-up in January 2014 and have not been seeing anyone. I have my kids to enjoy and care for, a good social network, a great job, that just started to be well-paying about 8 months after I told my husband I wanted a divorce.
(Before then, I worked about 80 hours a week with two jobs to make ends meet, care for the children, pay all bills- I was not dating material and wouldn’t welcome a new man to my life after being hurt for years in a dysfunctional marriage).
When I was ready to start dating, there was not a line of candidates at my door, so I decided to use a dating website. I must confess, that is a nasty business, and thankfully I met my new man fairly quickly, after about 2 months of looking. About a month or two after meeting him we both felt committed and broke off any other links, though it took him longer than me. Around May 2015 we said “I love you”s. Our relationship flourished. It was love as they write it up in books. As you see “happy relationship” articles on Facebook. Despite our differences, we always have subjects for conversations, were willing listeners, enjoyed introducing each other to our interests, travelling some. I introduced him to many of my friends, including the long-distance ones. I have moved from another state, some of my close and real friends have moved, so I have loved ones all over the country (and abroad).We introduced our kids to each other, as well. He seemed to not be thrilled with my children’s behavior (girls almost 9 and 11). He told me many times that I am lax, not a good disciplinarian, that my younger one is a brat. Since I am off on a tangent, I will clarify here, these girls have not really had a solid father figure. I moved away to another state ( 16 hour driving from prior house) in 2012 for a job, and the ex elected to not move with me and to not help me any financially, he was just waiting out for a 2 year period to end, for me to start making money, and then get back to living together. I had to take care of two children, and the little one, then 5, has lived with my parents away from me, as it is hard to maintain an 80 hour flexible work week, take care of 2 children and have no help from the spouse. I was very fortunate to make new friend in the new town, have great social life (all solid married couples with my education level and various interests) and lots of support and kindness towards me and my girls. But they didn’t see much participation in up-bringing and discipline from their father. I admit I am not a firm disciplinarian. Regardless, my BF learned good sides of my children and eventually came to like them. He has three kids reared differently than mine, there are good and bad ways. Overall, his are good kids, I had no issues with them (except the influence of their mother).
So, we all seemed to get along. We started thinking about getting married several months after meeting, it happened insidiously, we just knew we are meant to be together. There were lots of issues with the ex-wife, hurt feelings for my BF, she was easily getting under his skin and he let her bother him, offend him, said nasty things to him, he would react in at outrage sometimes, that hurt me also. I do not think he was ready for a solid relationship when we met. I think he wanted to meet someone for long-term relationship, but he was not completely over his ex at that point. That has since changed. I see a big difference in him. His ex still tries to intentionally hurt him, tells him every chance she gets he was a bad husband, that he is a bad father etc. He is much better at handling it.
We have talked about what went wrong with our prior marriages. For me, I was 21 when I met my then 39 year old man, fell in love, married. Looking back, he really didn’t want to have kids (had one son from previous marriage), had champagne taste and beer pocket, spent a lot, drank, ran up credit card debt behind my back, ruined my credit, called me names, got physical a couple of times in a drunk outrage which involved calling the police on one occasion, not involved with kids. I was busy working on my career, working at home (and doing the yard first 3 years of marriage until I got pregnant). It took me a while to see, that while using my youth and beauty, this man also used other people, borrowing money without intentions to pay back. Only recently I have read an article about gaslighting and realized, that this is how my 12 years of marriage went, he was a classic gas-lighter.
For my current fiancé, his issue was that the ex became unfaithful. He believes that he didn’t make enough money to make his ex happy, that she didn’t do all housework, went out with her girlfriends, was not affectionate with him or kis, had a body image issue. But he admittedhe was at times expressing his disagreement with her behavior with anger, called her names, yelled. Supposedly, mainly due to his anger she became distant and then left him. She is still trying to alienate the children from him and every chance she gets, she tries to convince him he is a bad person.
We had our happy love days without any quarrels. We got engaged in May 2016. We had our first fight in June 2016. The reason was stupid and minor, but the way we both handled it was terrible. This was the first time he raised his voice and used curse words at me. It was 2 days before my birthday. I was upset that he didn’t listen to me or try to understand my viewpoint and tried avoiding discussing it, while I tried too many times to explain it different ways while he was not at all willing to listen. Due to the nature of my profession and training, I attempted to be a counsellor for us. We talked about the issues, and came up with some code words, in case one of us feels anger is building up and we needed to stop the escalation. It took a while to talk out the actual issue in a peaceful manner. I didn’t feel good about our relationship until he was willing to listen to me and UNDERSTAND my point, not necessarily agree with it. I believe if he was willing to listen to how I see the situation, there wouldn’t have been a fight to start with. But he had a different opinion, and instead of listening to mine, he resisted and closed down and didn’t even want to hear me out.
We had a great summer together. My children spend several weeks with their father out of state in the summer. Thus my fiancé and I spent quality time together. We did things each of us likes. We took fishing trips and went to the beach. Just being on the road together for hours was special. All trips were enjoyable, and there was just so much love. We had a fight on one of the trips. I have to confess, I am sensitive to when he looks at other women. And he is a kind of guy who looks like his jaw drops when he sees an attractive woman. That bothers me. He explained, that he loves only me, and would never think about having sex with another woman. He just likes to look at pretty. He doesn’t look- he STARES. He says every man does that. I disagree. At least they don’t stare in that obvious manner. And, frankly, I don’t look at other men. I may look at a jacket that looks nice on someone and think- that would be a good one for my BF to have. But never in a way that I am astonished by some other man’s looks. Anyway. The fight was about him staring at some person, then telling me any man would. Then, he proceeded to tell me about beautiful movie stars that he considers hot despite me blatantly spouting to him that it bothers me. So, that’s how the fight started. It did go too far with him yelling and cursing at me and me crying, I even smacked him on his back ( hard), but we did use the code words and calmed down. It took a couple of days to talk it out and for me to feel good about this relationship again. Now, he tells me I have unreasonable jealousy. I may. I don’t deny that. I do not want to sit at a restaurant with a man who is following an attractive woman with his eyes while he is out on a date with me. If you see some legs that crossed your line of view, you don’t have to proceed to evaluate with your eyes and try to see what else is there. You have your fiancée’s legs. I think, for a committed man it is best to learn to do that, period, - not just when he is with his significant other by his side. That way it’s a change of behaviour and not a cover up. He tells me he likes to show me off. I do not like when men stare at me. I have seen that in restaurants when a couple of heads turn (to me). I see those stareres and feel for their wives. He has told me that he likes when other men look at me and envy him on what he has and make them jealous. He says that makes him proud. That issue is not too pronounced, it bothers me a little. I look good for myself, first of all, and like to be made up when he is around. I wear makeup and nice clothes anyway for work. I take a Saturday off with no makeup with flip flops, and it doesn’t bother me to look natural one day a week.
We discussed wedding plans over the summer, and he says, he doesn’t want a wedding, he just wants to get married. He suggested going to the justice of the peace. My first wedding was a joke. It was my first husband’s second marriage, and I didn’t have a white dress, we had 7 people altogether, we got married at a winery- good set up to continue drinking after that, ended up with an alcoholic. I told my fiancée, that I want a wedding. An occasion. A festivity. A solemn and significant happy day. Someone suggested a destination wedding, and I asked if he’d like to go to the beach. He said, he hates beach and wouldn’t want a beach wedding. I suggested some picturesque place like some lake, and asked him to come up with an idea other than the beach. All he could come up with was, let’s go to the justice of the peace and sign papers. So the wedding talk subsided some.
I am from Russia (NOT an internet bride- find that despicable), and most of my family (except for my kids) are still there. But over the years I made many friends here, all are scattered throughout the country. So, for my friends it would not matter where to come to my wedding- to our small provincial town, or to another place for a destination wedding. My fiancé has two or three couples he would invite, and they are also not local. So, to his guests it also shouldn’t matter, where we hold the wedding, locally or elsewhere.
In August I bought a house. Originally, I was coming to this town only for two years, but after the two years I found a position which is very nice, and staid. I lived at a rental house before with intentions to move, ended up living there for 4 years. When thinking of a house purchase, the size and layout, amount of rooms/bathrooms and the type of yard, I considered my fiancée and his 3 kids. Extra room/bathroom because of them, and a corner lot, accessible and big enough yard to hold boats and a workshop. When I went to apply for the loan, even though I had saved for the downpayment, I could not get a decent loan. My ex husband messed up my credit so bad in months that we lived apart but still married, it is unbelievable. That was a sock I lived through, but my fiancé came out and offered to cosign on the loan. I am paying the mortgage and bills, but he is a cosigner, which I greatly appreciate. He also helped me move. I was going to hire a moving company, but then my dad offered to come from Russia, and between my fiancé and my dad, we moved over a week. We had a fight during the move; it was very tense and stressful. Basically, according to the BF (I will use BF and fiancé interchangeably) I didn’t pack boxes fast and well enough, didn’t unpack fast enough, and the new house is too cluttered to his taste. ( He is keeping is house, and I will withhold comments on its cleanliness). He did all the men work for my move and now expects me to unload. Well, I work and I have two children. (Oh, and I have been planning a wedding for the last month). There are still a few boxes in the garage and the office/piano room is still much cluttered. It is getting done very slowly. He calmed down about it, as he did see me fix the dining room nicely and the living room, as well. That fight was pretty much forgotten quickly. We had some problems with the new house. A pipe issue, bad roof leak, a dead tree branch, and every time I had an issue and freaked out, he would come over, look at things, re-assure me. He found a roofer and tree service to take care of things (I had to pay, but I appreciate him setting me up with the companies).
Early August he called me and said- we are getting married in Panama City On November… ( say 4th). I was ecstatic that he actually came out and agreed to a beach wedding. He later told me, that he talked to some friends, and they gave him good reasons to go for a beach wedding. Now, that’s as far as he went. He told me the place and the date. He said, he didn’t know anything about wedding planning and told me to plan it. I have never been to a wedding (don’t laugh, its true- I have been to a couple of church ceremonies, but that’s it). I had to learn everything about a wedding, including the difference between ceremony and reception. I now know every wedding service company on Florida panhandle right now, their prices, their packages, their drawbacks and advantages. I was trying to stay within a budget of $10000, including dress, accommodations and travel arrangements. We will have probably 20-30 guests, half of which will be children. Wedding companies wanted too much money, and I started investigating doing everything separately, a la carte. I can tell you about most Panama City resort, the size and price of their ballrooms, catering menus. I am employed full time 40H a week, have two children fully in my care, who have activities at least 4 times a week, their homework, and 50% of the meals here are made at home. (That is to say, I am busy). I found time to read all about this stuff on my lunch break and till midnight almost every night, reading Wedding Wire, sending emails and calling places. I tried to update the BF along the process, sending him different variants of arrangements, trying to get his input. To him, it all sounded complicated, expensive, fancy, and he respectfully declined to take part in decision making. I wanted him to contribute, so I suggested we learn a wedding dance. He agreed, found a dance teacher, and we went to two classes to learn a waltz. I also asked how much he could contribute financially. He sorta said that he already gave me a ring, and it was his contribution. But then, when I found a restaurant, he agreed to put his credit card number to reserve the date. I also found out that there is beach fee, a refundable deposit. He agreed to give them the credit card number for that also. After a month of my intense work on this, I wanted to finalize lounging arrangements. I found a nice beach resort, a discount coupon for the stay, and picked 3 condos which could potentially fit the two of us and the 5 children (potentially my mother, if she was able to come from Russia). To me it’s important that everyone is happy and that he doesn’t hate the interior of this 3BR 3BA condo. Also, I wanted to make sure he is OK with which child sleeps in which bed, and who shares a bed with who without my mom having to be on a sleeper sofa. I emailed him this explanation with a link, asking to take a look at the rooms, so we could pick one that everyone is happy with, and I would pay for it. Here comes the big fight.
Last Monday I came home from work, made dinner for my children, fed them, then he came over tired after a long day. He was sat down and fed dinner (it was not to his taste, but he was OK). We needed to practice our waltz, as we had our second lesson coming up tomorrow, and we did not practice, and I didn’t want to be like a kid who didn’t do their homework. I asked him if he had a chance to look at the rooms yet. He said he got the e-mail, but didn’t understand the purpose of it, coz I was gonna do everything my way anyway. Wait a minute. I consulted you on every step, and you refused to give your opinion. Now you are not wanting to look at rooms to help decide what best sleeping arrangements for all kids would be? He said, he was tired after a long day at work and needed to sit and rest. I said, you rest, I’m going to the shower. When I came back and asked if he was ready, he said, he took a look, but had a hard time finding the rooms on the link that I sent. I asked if he was ready to practice dance- he said, he needed to shower first. I then went upstairs to say goodnights to my children, and when I returned, he was in the master bathroom, but the shower was not running. I was also tired, wanted to get done with the day and go to bed early and started getting irritated with him. I went to bed and timed 20 minutes- the shower was still not running. I knocked on the door and said, I thought you were showering. He said, “I can’t find peace from you even in the bathroom” and went in the shower. I was curled up in bed stewing. He came from the bathroom, and I didn’t immediately open my arms. He said something to the effect, is this how I’m going to be treated? You don’ let me rest and don’t understand that I get tired? At that point I started on with “Playing on the phone is more important to you than your wedding planning”, “ I’m also tired, but sitting on your butt looking at pictures of wedding accommodations via link served to you on a silver plate is not tiring”, “ You don’t care about your own wedding”- that type of stuff. I then said- now is a good time for you to ask me, if I’d like to practice dance or look at the rooms online. He said- no, roll over to me and love on me. I wouldn’t. So he started loudly saying the following:” I’m sick of this bull****. I will not be forced into doing what I don’t want to do. I’m not gonna jump when you say jump. You want this wedding. I don’t need you for me to be happy. We don’t have to get married. I know how to re-claim my free time. I now see that your husband is better off without you and you made him miserable”. With tears chocking me I tried to explain how I felt, that I wanted his contribution, his opinion, that we needed to practice dance to not look like fools at the dance teacher’s tomorrow. I didn’t ask him to mow lawn. What I asked for was an easy activity. He wouldn’t hear. He said- you are talking over me and I don’t want to hear any more of your nonsense. If you say another word, I will leave. I kept on with “Your wedding is not important to you”. He walked out. I called him ten minutes later. He said, are you calling me with more nonsense or do you want to apologize. I said something polite and we hung up. He came back. In the morning, we ate breakfast and went to the dance class as planned. Of note, I took a day off because he had an eye doctor appointment, and he wanted me to help him pick out new frames. And then we decided, that since both are taking a day off, we scheduled the dance class, in advance. We were not talking much at the dance class. On the way back he asked me if I was still angry, I said yes. He said, I’m not gonna talk to you until you get over your anger. I said, OK. We got home, and I wouldn’t really talk, just started doing house chores (remember, I need to unclutter the office). He did not suggest we look at rooms. And then the verbal fight started. He told me I hold on to anger for too long and am punishing him with love withdrawal. I was too upset to talk! My expressions were discounted and called nonsense. He tried to tell me, that I made him feel like I was controlling his evening and wouldn’t let him rest. Well, he had 10 minutes on the couch when I went to the shower, and later locked up in the bathroom and claimed his 20 minutes playing on his phone. He got what he thought was his. And I got a bucket of poo poured over my head in his logorrhea, offensive terms and basically was told he doesn’t want the wedding and I am forcing him. And I don’t have a right to be upset and withdrawn? I was holding back tears. I tried again to explain how I felt yesterday. He said- you wouldn’t allow me to have a break. Do you know how hard I work? I said, I work also, and I am also tired. But there are things that need to be done, and you have rested 10 minutes on the couch and 20 minutes “in the shower”. He wanted me to apologize and admit fault that I didn’t let him rest. I was not about to. He didn’t like the fact that I was piddling around the house with small jobs and wouldn’t talk. He told me that I’m ballistic, that I have terrible temper, that I have uncontrolled anger and that I am worse than his ex-wife has ever been. He said, he made another mistake and invested himself in another dysfunctional relationship, he can see my true colors now. I had a nervous laugh in disbelief. I have had the inappropriate affect before, laughing while crying at my grandmother’s funeral. May be he thought I was laughing at him. He then said, you will never see me again, and slammed the door. Not a minute later he returned and yelled at my face:” You know what? Here comes the word. You are a btch!” That was a hit below the belt.
He asked me in the past, what would be a deal breaker, what hurt me most in my marriage. I told him, when my ex called me names and yelled at me. The end of my first marriage was as follows. As the ex was making his umpteenth drink, and my daughter was running in the kitchen, the ex said in front of her: “You are a fat btch”. The girl stood between us with her fists in her sides and said to him: “Don’t you talk like that to my mommy”. The drunk arse pushed her away hard and I caught her, and that was what made up my mind to divorce that man.
And here is the man who loves me and I’m about to marry tells me.
He slammed the door another time, and returned in a few minutes. He wanted to talk, said he shouldn’t have said what he said. I couldn’t talk. I was shocked, I was crushed, belittled, by a person who I love. He asked me to say something, I told him I was hurting. He asked for a hug, and couldn’t get near him. He tried to push again with “You wouldn’t let me rest”, but had not much to say, as I was not responding back. Then he said, why don’t you just tell me to leave, and I said: “leave”. He left.
That night I cried at my friends’ house. The girl who was going to be my maid of honor. Her husband who, before I gained the BF, has helped with stuff at the house. They were shocked. They are my support team. Their opinion is, postpone the wedding. I remembered the wedding. I just ordered the invitations the day before. I was not thinking postpone. I did not call the invitation place to cancel the $300 order.
I was hurting for days ( it has been 9 days). I have never been treated like that. I don’t know what to make out of it. The apologies that came in sounded like- I was wrong for what I’ve done, now you need to be sorry for what you’ve done. You are an angry person, you stew and hold on to your madness instead of letting go and communicating. You have a bad temper (Me?). He wants me to tell him I love him- I can’t. It doesn’t feel the same any more. I am not angry. I am shocked and withdrawn. I don’t think it’s the anger, but bitterness that is preventing me from giving him love now. I don’ think it’s fair on his part to accuse me of withdrawing love or expect me to act affectionate.
He then told me, that to protect himself financially, he cancelled the credit cards for the beach fee and the restaurant.
I suggested counselling. We went to see a counsellor. He was apologetic and seemed to have acknowledged his fault. The counselor quietly said that- well Ok, the two of you delay the wedding. And asked him to come for individual sessions. He is agreeable.
What to do about the wedding? I am in pain and do not want to make a mistake. I have a month of all my free time and about $1500 invested in this. Two of my friends have booked hotels in Panama City for our wedding. I have a house larger than I need, and the yard different from what I would have ideally wanted just for myself. And, if you postpone a wedding, how do you go on with the relationship? You will always look back on that and frown. What if we postpone it, and two weeks later we are like two love birds and resentful that we postponed? What if we don’t postpone, and I send the invitations, and we fight more, and I don’t get the feelings back? What do I do about the dress? Buy it (I have a deposit on it which is non-refundable), or let them have the dress and the deposit? It needs some alterations, so if I am getting married, I need to go in and have it altered soon.
He wants me to tell him everything is going to be OK, that I love him. I think I still love him, but it is not the same. And he goes back and removes his credit card from the places that I found, booked and worked on? And then tells me, he doesn’t want to cancel the wedding, he just did it to protect himself financially?
This is a man who I considered my MAN, my fortress, my support, my ally, who suddenly turned on me. I feel insecure and I lost trust in him.
We are talking and seeing each other. We are not mean to each other. I am trying to avoid saying anything at all, I am afraid he will take simple things the wrong way. Like me asking for 15 minutes spent on OUR wedding stuff was interpreted as me trying to control him in some way. I don’t want to control anyone. And I don’t want drama. To me he was a strong reliable man, the one. But not anymore.
Thanks for reading. Thoughts are appreciated. Moderator, if this is considered under an inappropriate spot, please move it as you see fit.
This is my attempt to get an opinion from a group of people who are not my friends and are not biased in a sense of being protective of me. I’m not convinced I’m not over-reacting and trying to gather up some opinions.
I am thinking about postponing my wedding.
I split up with the ex-husband in January 2014 (lack of moral or financial support, drinking, name calling lack of involvement with children, living apart x 1.5 yrs due to jobs being in different states). The divorce has dragged out and was final in December 2015.
I took about a year after the break-up in January 2014 and have not been seeing anyone. I have my kids to enjoy and care for, a good social network, a great job, that just started to be well-paying about 8 months after I told my husband I wanted a divorce.
(Before then, I worked about 80 hours a week with two jobs to make ends meet, care for the children, pay all bills- I was not dating material and wouldn’t welcome a new man to my life after being hurt for years in a dysfunctional marriage).
When I was ready to start dating, there was not a line of candidates at my door, so I decided to use a dating website. I must confess, that is a nasty business, and thankfully I met my new man fairly quickly, after about 2 months of looking. About a month or two after meeting him we both felt committed and broke off any other links, though it took him longer than me. Around May 2015 we said “I love you”s. Our relationship flourished. It was love as they write it up in books. As you see “happy relationship” articles on Facebook. Despite our differences, we always have subjects for conversations, were willing listeners, enjoyed introducing each other to our interests, travelling some. I introduced him to many of my friends, including the long-distance ones. I have moved from another state, some of my close and real friends have moved, so I have loved ones all over the country (and abroad).We introduced our kids to each other, as well. He seemed to not be thrilled with my children’s behavior (girls almost 9 and 11). He told me many times that I am lax, not a good disciplinarian, that my younger one is a brat. Since I am off on a tangent, I will clarify here, these girls have not really had a solid father figure. I moved away to another state ( 16 hour driving from prior house) in 2012 for a job, and the ex elected to not move with me and to not help me any financially, he was just waiting out for a 2 year period to end, for me to start making money, and then get back to living together. I had to take care of two children, and the little one, then 5, has lived with my parents away from me, as it is hard to maintain an 80 hour flexible work week, take care of 2 children and have no help from the spouse. I was very fortunate to make new friend in the new town, have great social life (all solid married couples with my education level and various interests) and lots of support and kindness towards me and my girls. But they didn’t see much participation in up-bringing and discipline from their father. I admit I am not a firm disciplinarian. Regardless, my BF learned good sides of my children and eventually came to like them. He has three kids reared differently than mine, there are good and bad ways. Overall, his are good kids, I had no issues with them (except the influence of their mother).
So, we all seemed to get along. We started thinking about getting married several months after meeting, it happened insidiously, we just knew we are meant to be together. There were lots of issues with the ex-wife, hurt feelings for my BF, she was easily getting under his skin and he let her bother him, offend him, said nasty things to him, he would react in at outrage sometimes, that hurt me also. I do not think he was ready for a solid relationship when we met. I think he wanted to meet someone for long-term relationship, but he was not completely over his ex at that point. That has since changed. I see a big difference in him. His ex still tries to intentionally hurt him, tells him every chance she gets he was a bad husband, that he is a bad father etc. He is much better at handling it.
We have talked about what went wrong with our prior marriages. For me, I was 21 when I met my then 39 year old man, fell in love, married. Looking back, he really didn’t want to have kids (had one son from previous marriage), had champagne taste and beer pocket, spent a lot, drank, ran up credit card debt behind my back, ruined my credit, called me names, got physical a couple of times in a drunk outrage which involved calling the police on one occasion, not involved with kids. I was busy working on my career, working at home (and doing the yard first 3 years of marriage until I got pregnant). It took me a while to see, that while using my youth and beauty, this man also used other people, borrowing money without intentions to pay back. Only recently I have read an article about gaslighting and realized, that this is how my 12 years of marriage went, he was a classic gas-lighter.
For my current fiancé, his issue was that the ex became unfaithful. He believes that he didn’t make enough money to make his ex happy, that she didn’t do all housework, went out with her girlfriends, was not affectionate with him or kis, had a body image issue. But he admittedhe was at times expressing his disagreement with her behavior with anger, called her names, yelled. Supposedly, mainly due to his anger she became distant and then left him. She is still trying to alienate the children from him and every chance she gets, she tries to convince him he is a bad person.
We had our happy love days without any quarrels. We got engaged in May 2016. We had our first fight in June 2016. The reason was stupid and minor, but the way we both handled it was terrible. This was the first time he raised his voice and used curse words at me. It was 2 days before my birthday. I was upset that he didn’t listen to me or try to understand my viewpoint and tried avoiding discussing it, while I tried too many times to explain it different ways while he was not at all willing to listen. Due to the nature of my profession and training, I attempted to be a counsellor for us. We talked about the issues, and came up with some code words, in case one of us feels anger is building up and we needed to stop the escalation. It took a while to talk out the actual issue in a peaceful manner. I didn’t feel good about our relationship until he was willing to listen to me and UNDERSTAND my point, not necessarily agree with it. I believe if he was willing to listen to how I see the situation, there wouldn’t have been a fight to start with. But he had a different opinion, and instead of listening to mine, he resisted and closed down and didn’t even want to hear me out.
We had a great summer together. My children spend several weeks with their father out of state in the summer. Thus my fiancé and I spent quality time together. We did things each of us likes. We took fishing trips and went to the beach. Just being on the road together for hours was special. All trips were enjoyable, and there was just so much love. We had a fight on one of the trips. I have to confess, I am sensitive to when he looks at other women. And he is a kind of guy who looks like his jaw drops when he sees an attractive woman. That bothers me. He explained, that he loves only me, and would never think about having sex with another woman. He just likes to look at pretty. He doesn’t look- he STARES. He says every man does that. I disagree. At least they don’t stare in that obvious manner. And, frankly, I don’t look at other men. I may look at a jacket that looks nice on someone and think- that would be a good one for my BF to have. But never in a way that I am astonished by some other man’s looks. Anyway. The fight was about him staring at some person, then telling me any man would. Then, he proceeded to tell me about beautiful movie stars that he considers hot despite me blatantly spouting to him that it bothers me. So, that’s how the fight started. It did go too far with him yelling and cursing at me and me crying, I even smacked him on his back ( hard), but we did use the code words and calmed down. It took a couple of days to talk it out and for me to feel good about this relationship again. Now, he tells me I have unreasonable jealousy. I may. I don’t deny that. I do not want to sit at a restaurant with a man who is following an attractive woman with his eyes while he is out on a date with me. If you see some legs that crossed your line of view, you don’t have to proceed to evaluate with your eyes and try to see what else is there. You have your fiancée’s legs. I think, for a committed man it is best to learn to do that, period, - not just when he is with his significant other by his side. That way it’s a change of behaviour and not a cover up. He tells me he likes to show me off. I do not like when men stare at me. I have seen that in restaurants when a couple of heads turn (to me). I see those stareres and feel for their wives. He has told me that he likes when other men look at me and envy him on what he has and make them jealous. He says that makes him proud. That issue is not too pronounced, it bothers me a little. I look good for myself, first of all, and like to be made up when he is around. I wear makeup and nice clothes anyway for work. I take a Saturday off with no makeup with flip flops, and it doesn’t bother me to look natural one day a week.
We discussed wedding plans over the summer, and he says, he doesn’t want a wedding, he just wants to get married. He suggested going to the justice of the peace. My first wedding was a joke. It was my first husband’s second marriage, and I didn’t have a white dress, we had 7 people altogether, we got married at a winery- good set up to continue drinking after that, ended up with an alcoholic. I told my fiancée, that I want a wedding. An occasion. A festivity. A solemn and significant happy day. Someone suggested a destination wedding, and I asked if he’d like to go to the beach. He said, he hates beach and wouldn’t want a beach wedding. I suggested some picturesque place like some lake, and asked him to come up with an idea other than the beach. All he could come up with was, let’s go to the justice of the peace and sign papers. So the wedding talk subsided some.
I am from Russia (NOT an internet bride- find that despicable), and most of my family (except for my kids) are still there. But over the years I made many friends here, all are scattered throughout the country. So, for my friends it would not matter where to come to my wedding- to our small provincial town, or to another place for a destination wedding. My fiancé has two or three couples he would invite, and they are also not local. So, to his guests it also shouldn’t matter, where we hold the wedding, locally or elsewhere.
In August I bought a house. Originally, I was coming to this town only for two years, but after the two years I found a position which is very nice, and staid. I lived at a rental house before with intentions to move, ended up living there for 4 years. When thinking of a house purchase, the size and layout, amount of rooms/bathrooms and the type of yard, I considered my fiancée and his 3 kids. Extra room/bathroom because of them, and a corner lot, accessible and big enough yard to hold boats and a workshop. When I went to apply for the loan, even though I had saved for the downpayment, I could not get a decent loan. My ex husband messed up my credit so bad in months that we lived apart but still married, it is unbelievable. That was a sock I lived through, but my fiancé came out and offered to cosign on the loan. I am paying the mortgage and bills, but he is a cosigner, which I greatly appreciate. He also helped me move. I was going to hire a moving company, but then my dad offered to come from Russia, and between my fiancé and my dad, we moved over a week. We had a fight during the move; it was very tense and stressful. Basically, according to the BF (I will use BF and fiancé interchangeably) I didn’t pack boxes fast and well enough, didn’t unpack fast enough, and the new house is too cluttered to his taste. ( He is keeping is house, and I will withhold comments on its cleanliness). He did all the men work for my move and now expects me to unload. Well, I work and I have two children. (Oh, and I have been planning a wedding for the last month). There are still a few boxes in the garage and the office/piano room is still much cluttered. It is getting done very slowly. He calmed down about it, as he did see me fix the dining room nicely and the living room, as well. That fight was pretty much forgotten quickly. We had some problems with the new house. A pipe issue, bad roof leak, a dead tree branch, and every time I had an issue and freaked out, he would come over, look at things, re-assure me. He found a roofer and tree service to take care of things (I had to pay, but I appreciate him setting me up with the companies).
Early August he called me and said- we are getting married in Panama City On November… ( say 4th). I was ecstatic that he actually came out and agreed to a beach wedding. He later told me, that he talked to some friends, and they gave him good reasons to go for a beach wedding. Now, that’s as far as he went. He told me the place and the date. He said, he didn’t know anything about wedding planning and told me to plan it. I have never been to a wedding (don’t laugh, its true- I have been to a couple of church ceremonies, but that’s it). I had to learn everything about a wedding, including the difference between ceremony and reception. I now know every wedding service company on Florida panhandle right now, their prices, their packages, their drawbacks and advantages. I was trying to stay within a budget of $10000, including dress, accommodations and travel arrangements. We will have probably 20-30 guests, half of which will be children. Wedding companies wanted too much money, and I started investigating doing everything separately, a la carte. I can tell you about most Panama City resort, the size and price of their ballrooms, catering menus. I am employed full time 40H a week, have two children fully in my care, who have activities at least 4 times a week, their homework, and 50% of the meals here are made at home. (That is to say, I am busy). I found time to read all about this stuff on my lunch break and till midnight almost every night, reading Wedding Wire, sending emails and calling places. I tried to update the BF along the process, sending him different variants of arrangements, trying to get his input. To him, it all sounded complicated, expensive, fancy, and he respectfully declined to take part in decision making. I wanted him to contribute, so I suggested we learn a wedding dance. He agreed, found a dance teacher, and we went to two classes to learn a waltz. I also asked how much he could contribute financially. He sorta said that he already gave me a ring, and it was his contribution. But then, when I found a restaurant, he agreed to put his credit card number to reserve the date. I also found out that there is beach fee, a refundable deposit. He agreed to give them the credit card number for that also. After a month of my intense work on this, I wanted to finalize lounging arrangements. I found a nice beach resort, a discount coupon for the stay, and picked 3 condos which could potentially fit the two of us and the 5 children (potentially my mother, if she was able to come from Russia). To me it’s important that everyone is happy and that he doesn’t hate the interior of this 3BR 3BA condo. Also, I wanted to make sure he is OK with which child sleeps in which bed, and who shares a bed with who without my mom having to be on a sleeper sofa. I emailed him this explanation with a link, asking to take a look at the rooms, so we could pick one that everyone is happy with, and I would pay for it. Here comes the big fight.
Last Monday I came home from work, made dinner for my children, fed them, then he came over tired after a long day. He was sat down and fed dinner (it was not to his taste, but he was OK). We needed to practice our waltz, as we had our second lesson coming up tomorrow, and we did not practice, and I didn’t want to be like a kid who didn’t do their homework. I asked him if he had a chance to look at the rooms yet. He said he got the e-mail, but didn’t understand the purpose of it, coz I was gonna do everything my way anyway. Wait a minute. I consulted you on every step, and you refused to give your opinion. Now you are not wanting to look at rooms to help decide what best sleeping arrangements for all kids would be? He said, he was tired after a long day at work and needed to sit and rest. I said, you rest, I’m going to the shower. When I came back and asked if he was ready, he said, he took a look, but had a hard time finding the rooms on the link that I sent. I asked if he was ready to practice dance- he said, he needed to shower first. I then went upstairs to say goodnights to my children, and when I returned, he was in the master bathroom, but the shower was not running. I was also tired, wanted to get done with the day and go to bed early and started getting irritated with him. I went to bed and timed 20 minutes- the shower was still not running. I knocked on the door and said, I thought you were showering. He said, “I can’t find peace from you even in the bathroom” and went in the shower. I was curled up in bed stewing. He came from the bathroom, and I didn’t immediately open my arms. He said something to the effect, is this how I’m going to be treated? You don’ let me rest and don’t understand that I get tired? At that point I started on with “Playing on the phone is more important to you than your wedding planning”, “ I’m also tired, but sitting on your butt looking at pictures of wedding accommodations via link served to you on a silver plate is not tiring”, “ You don’t care about your own wedding”- that type of stuff. I then said- now is a good time for you to ask me, if I’d like to practice dance or look at the rooms online. He said- no, roll over to me and love on me. I wouldn’t. So he started loudly saying the following:” I’m sick of this bull****. I will not be forced into doing what I don’t want to do. I’m not gonna jump when you say jump. You want this wedding. I don’t need you for me to be happy. We don’t have to get married. I know how to re-claim my free time. I now see that your husband is better off without you and you made him miserable”. With tears chocking me I tried to explain how I felt, that I wanted his contribution, his opinion, that we needed to practice dance to not look like fools at the dance teacher’s tomorrow. I didn’t ask him to mow lawn. What I asked for was an easy activity. He wouldn’t hear. He said- you are talking over me and I don’t want to hear any more of your nonsense. If you say another word, I will leave. I kept on with “Your wedding is not important to you”. He walked out. I called him ten minutes later. He said, are you calling me with more nonsense or do you want to apologize. I said something polite and we hung up. He came back. In the morning, we ate breakfast and went to the dance class as planned. Of note, I took a day off because he had an eye doctor appointment, and he wanted me to help him pick out new frames. And then we decided, that since both are taking a day off, we scheduled the dance class, in advance. We were not talking much at the dance class. On the way back he asked me if I was still angry, I said yes. He said, I’m not gonna talk to you until you get over your anger. I said, OK. We got home, and I wouldn’t really talk, just started doing house chores (remember, I need to unclutter the office). He did not suggest we look at rooms. And then the verbal fight started. He told me I hold on to anger for too long and am punishing him with love withdrawal. I was too upset to talk! My expressions were discounted and called nonsense. He tried to tell me, that I made him feel like I was controlling his evening and wouldn’t let him rest. Well, he had 10 minutes on the couch when I went to the shower, and later locked up in the bathroom and claimed his 20 minutes playing on his phone. He got what he thought was his. And I got a bucket of poo poured over my head in his logorrhea, offensive terms and basically was told he doesn’t want the wedding and I am forcing him. And I don’t have a right to be upset and withdrawn? I was holding back tears. I tried again to explain how I felt yesterday. He said- you wouldn’t allow me to have a break. Do you know how hard I work? I said, I work also, and I am also tired. But there are things that need to be done, and you have rested 10 minutes on the couch and 20 minutes “in the shower”. He wanted me to apologize and admit fault that I didn’t let him rest. I was not about to. He didn’t like the fact that I was piddling around the house with small jobs and wouldn’t talk. He told me that I’m ballistic, that I have terrible temper, that I have uncontrolled anger and that I am worse than his ex-wife has ever been. He said, he made another mistake and invested himself in another dysfunctional relationship, he can see my true colors now. I had a nervous laugh in disbelief. I have had the inappropriate affect before, laughing while crying at my grandmother’s funeral. May be he thought I was laughing at him. He then said, you will never see me again, and slammed the door. Not a minute later he returned and yelled at my face:” You know what? Here comes the word. You are a btch!” That was a hit below the belt.
He asked me in the past, what would be a deal breaker, what hurt me most in my marriage. I told him, when my ex called me names and yelled at me. The end of my first marriage was as follows. As the ex was making his umpteenth drink, and my daughter was running in the kitchen, the ex said in front of her: “You are a fat btch”. The girl stood between us with her fists in her sides and said to him: “Don’t you talk like that to my mommy”. The drunk arse pushed her away hard and I caught her, and that was what made up my mind to divorce that man.
And here is the man who loves me and I’m about to marry tells me.
He slammed the door another time, and returned in a few minutes. He wanted to talk, said he shouldn’t have said what he said. I couldn’t talk. I was shocked, I was crushed, belittled, by a person who I love. He asked me to say something, I told him I was hurting. He asked for a hug, and couldn’t get near him. He tried to push again with “You wouldn’t let me rest”, but had not much to say, as I was not responding back. Then he said, why don’t you just tell me to leave, and I said: “leave”. He left.
That night I cried at my friends’ house. The girl who was going to be my maid of honor. Her husband who, before I gained the BF, has helped with stuff at the house. They were shocked. They are my support team. Their opinion is, postpone the wedding. I remembered the wedding. I just ordered the invitations the day before. I was not thinking postpone. I did not call the invitation place to cancel the $300 order.
I was hurting for days ( it has been 9 days). I have never been treated like that. I don’t know what to make out of it. The apologies that came in sounded like- I was wrong for what I’ve done, now you need to be sorry for what you’ve done. You are an angry person, you stew and hold on to your madness instead of letting go and communicating. You have a bad temper (Me?). He wants me to tell him I love him- I can’t. It doesn’t feel the same any more. I am not angry. I am shocked and withdrawn. I don’t think it’s the anger, but bitterness that is preventing me from giving him love now. I don’ think it’s fair on his part to accuse me of withdrawing love or expect me to act affectionate.
He then told me, that to protect himself financially, he cancelled the credit cards for the beach fee and the restaurant.
I suggested counselling. We went to see a counsellor. He was apologetic and seemed to have acknowledged his fault. The counselor quietly said that- well Ok, the two of you delay the wedding. And asked him to come for individual sessions. He is agreeable.
What to do about the wedding? I am in pain and do not want to make a mistake. I have a month of all my free time and about $1500 invested in this. Two of my friends have booked hotels in Panama City for our wedding. I have a house larger than I need, and the yard different from what I would have ideally wanted just for myself. And, if you postpone a wedding, how do you go on with the relationship? You will always look back on that and frown. What if we postpone it, and two weeks later we are like two love birds and resentful that we postponed? What if we don’t postpone, and I send the invitations, and we fight more, and I don’t get the feelings back? What do I do about the dress? Buy it (I have a deposit on it which is non-refundable), or let them have the dress and the deposit? It needs some alterations, so if I am getting married, I need to go in and have it altered soon.
He wants me to tell him everything is going to be OK, that I love him. I think I still love him, but it is not the same. And he goes back and removes his credit card from the places that I found, booked and worked on? And then tells me, he doesn’t want to cancel the wedding, he just did it to protect himself financially?
This is a man who I considered my MAN, my fortress, my support, my ally, who suddenly turned on me. I feel insecure and I lost trust in him.
We are talking and seeing each other. We are not mean to each other. I am trying to avoid saying anything at all, I am afraid he will take simple things the wrong way. Like me asking for 15 minutes spent on OUR wedding stuff was interpreted as me trying to control him in some way. I don’t want to control anyone. And I don’t want drama. To me he was a strong reliable man, the one. But not anymore.
Thanks for reading. Thoughts are appreciated. Moderator, if this is considered under an inappropriate spot, please move it as you see fit.