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Me, Wifey and Single Girl

5K views 52 replies 43 participants last post by  SunnyT 
#1 ·
Ok, so i've been married for 12'odd years with two beautiful children. Last year I met someone (single girl) through work who I started to get along with very very well and developed a ready strong friendship with her. She moved to another job since the start of the year, being a contractor, but still we have a strong friendship. We talk almost every day, text often, and I see her a few times a week - either for a coffee or hang at her place.

Still this is strictly a friendship only with single girl, but I feel we still have more in common than my wife and I do, which is concerning.

Even though i dont want anything to happen between me and single girl (well, i dont think i do), I still really really enjoy her company and feel real bad that if i had the choice, feel like i would want to spend more time with her.

I dont let my time away from home affect my wife and kids, i'm always there when i need to be there and want to be there, its just some free time i have, it would pop out and hang with her.

I've been trying to encourage single girl to see guys, so she can be happy with someone, which she is actively doing... but i'm starting to get a little (maybe more than a little) jealous. Not that she talking to other guys, but that shes spending less time with me.

This is extremely wrong, i know, I have a beautiful family at home. my wife knows i'm really good friends with single girl, shes even come over to our house for dinner, and at first my wife was uncomfortable that i have a friendship with another girl, but shes now ok with it... but probably wont be ok with it if she knew that i've been spending more time with her than ive been letting on.

Single girl and i have acknowledged that we're best friends, and there is an unspoken understanding between us that it will never go any further than that.

So, i know that me spending secret time with single girl is wrong. I know that its wrong of me to feel like i want to spend more time with single girl, over my own loving wife. and I know its also wrong of me to feel jealous of single girl talking to other guys at the expense of talking to me. Its all a big pile of wrongness... but I simply cannot help how i feel. and i know i should put a stop to it all, and go cold turkey or at least reduce the contact, but, well, to be honest, i dont want to. :(

I know people arent going to say that "its ok", or "you can make the situation work", because i know that not right... i cant have the best of both worlds.

thinking hypothetically, i know that even if for whatever "external to this situation" reason me and my wife separated, I know that single girl and i would never take things further. but why then do i wait for her to text, why do i want to call her or spend time with her.. why does it feel better than me and my wife? :( I know for a fact that when i first met my wife years and years ago, i felt the same way as i do now with single girl.

I've been mulling things over about all this for month and month and months... I know that to me, common interest is important, and also personal pride in appearance. I cant blame my wife for the latter, because i know, having two kids is bloody hard on the mind and body. but thinking about it, we've never really had the common interest part.. which makes this situation hard, because single girl and i have plenty of common interests... and she also very much takes pride in her appearance. these two things make me feel rotten knowing that they're the reason why i like spending more time with single girl than with my wife.

I really really want the mojo between wifey and i to come back, like the good old day, but i dont know how, even after reading lots about it.. is it an inner core issue?

anyway, ive been ranting about all this, but you have probably seen it all before. but either way, wouldnt mind getting some thoughts on the matter.
 
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#2 ·
Career woman here and married 36 years; first time marriage for my husband and I. You are having an emotional affair. It is a matter of time when this relationship will become physical. The reason that this single girl keeps up with her appearance is that she is still looking for someone special in her life. You are visiting her at "her place" alone. I assume that this is her home. You are definitely taking time away from your wife and family.

You wish for the "mojo" between you and your wife to return. You are preventing this from happening as you have transferred your attention and energy to this Other Woman. Yes, she is your Other Woman. End this relationship. You will lose your wife and your family. No good will come out of this friendship. You know that what you are doing is WRONG!!!
 
#4 ·
Read "Not Just Friends" by the late Dr. Shirley Glass.

That's all I can offer in terms of detailed advice. Everything is in that book. You can get it on Kindle.

There are hundreds of other posts like yours here. I suggest you read some of them.

We do have some members that say they have maintained opposite sex friendships but IMO men and women cannot be friends. I say this because I tried to maintain such a relationship, thinking I could keep it to friendship. I could not and I it blew up in my face. One of the most valuable learning experiences of my life.

Your wife isn't "OK" with this girl. I would bet she likely barely tolerates her in your life. Your wife is likely trying to play the "cool, nice" wife. Is she young and is this her first marriage? I bet that, too. Problem is, her good intentions are going to land her in serious pain because you're taking advantage of her hands-off approach.

I want you to do an exercise, ok?

Sum up all the time you spend on this girl - talking, chatting at work or outside of work, texting, calling, etc. Just make a rough estimate of minutes/hours per week.

Now, honestly compare this number with the time you spend with your wife, just the two of you, talking or spending quality time together, WITHOUT your children.

Is it any wonder why you feel you have less in common with your wife when you are likely not spending the kind of quality time you need to in order to keep a strong bond? Are you two having sex often?

Also... Think about the kind of person this "girl" is. First of all, she's no girl. She's absorbing the time of a married man. A married, taken man. She knows exactly what she is doing, make no mistake. Think about the kind of woman that does this. Think about the kind of attention this is likely getting from coworkers... Because they DO notice these things, no matter how quiet or casual you try to keep them.

The best way to end this is to blow it out of the water yourself, rather than someone blowing it up for you, which is just a matter of when... Not if.

End all contact. Write a NC letter with your wife present, so she can review it before you send it.
Change jobs.
Give your phone to your wife and let her read all the interactions.
Eat crow and demonstrate with actions, your true remorse (if you have it). Give your wife the chance she deserves to work with you to rebuild the bond you're missing.
Give your wife the freedom to decide whether to stay with you and do not hound her one way or another.
Give yourself the freedom to be honest with your feelings, and divorce if you two truly can't find anything to bond over. Then you can go and do whatever you want with a clear conscience.
 
#6 ·
You are definitely cheating on your wife if you are not sleeping with other girl you are lying to your wife about the relationship.

If you love your wife so much you need to start focusing on your marriage and not this other woman you are not being fair to your family.

You also need to come clean with your wife and how you feel, so she can decide if she wants to stay with a lying cheater.
 
#7 ·
You are definitely cheating on your wife if you are not sleeping with other girl you are lying to your wife about the relationship.

If you love your wife so much you need to start focusing on your marriage and not this other woman you are not being fair to your family.

You also need to come clean with your wife and how you feel, so she can decide if she wants to stay with a lying cheater.
I'm sorry you went through something like this. But if OP turns away, and focuses on his wife and family, there's no reason to say anything.
 
#9 · (Edited)
Good advice given already. I'll simplify. In life the things that we care about are what we spend our time and money on. Tally up your day and see where that falls. It probably looks something like "Job, Sleep, this girl" and then much lower down the list you have your wife.

Hard to have a good relationship when you aren't spending your time, money, and energy in ways that improve your relationship. And you won't want to either when someone else is meeting your emotional needs.

Your post is how 95% of sexual affairs start (a stat I pulled out of my a$$ but should be close to accurate). You are already cheating on your wife, because if you weren't, you wouldn't be doing it in secret. Tell your wife what's going on and see how she reacts. That's usually the fastest way to end these "relationships".
 
#11 · (Edited)
The others are right. This is an emotional affair. And it is considered cheating. Your WIFE will consider it cheating. And many have divorced over this. Don't think that because you are not sleeping with single girl that his is not cheating. And it is not necessary for her to feel the same about you for this to be cheating.

I get it. You developed feelings for her. You cannot help that. But once you acknowledged to yourself you have strong emotional (and probably physical) attraction to her, your continued ACTIONS make this cheating. Lying, deception, omission of details. The coffee meet is a date. The "hang at her place" is risk of sexual escalation. I don't believe for a second "there is an unspoken understanding between us that it will never go any further than that." If given the chance, you would be on her.

Here is a simple test. Picture her banging another guy. How does that make you feel? If jealous, anxious, mad, stressed, any of those, this is an emotional affair.

Your wife knows something is wrong. They pick this stuff up. You act differently around single girl and your wife can see it.

You think if she starts seeing another guy that will make it safer. Nope. You will get more jealous and possessive. You think if she comes to your house for dinner that wife will accept her as just a friend. Nope. Won't happen. Again, wife knows.

Read "Not Just Friends". Get a kindle copy so your wife won't see. Download it today and read it this weekend. This is the #1 thing for you to do immediately.

As another poster said, google "limerence". This might apply to you.

Make no mistake. This single girl is clear and present danger to your marriage. You will NEVER NEVER get your mojo back with wife as long as you are around this woman.

Now the bad part. There is ONLY ONE way out of this. You need to break off all contact with single girl. It is going to hurt like heck. It might be one of the hardest things you have ever done. But it is a must.
 
#12 ·
You know there are two types of cheating scumb@gs - the ones that are brutal and crude and the ones that try to come across as a nice guy. You sir, are the latter.

So …. stop being a scumb@g.

You already know what you need to do but are enjoying the affair too much to let go, and here is what's worse - you talk like you care about your wife while your actions indicate exactly the opposite.

So you are cheating, lying, being jealous whilst cheating and lying, but still maintain that you want what's best for your poor unsuspecting wife. And you keep insisting (either explicitly or implicitly) that you are a good guy!?!?!?

You can read "Not Just Friends" and it may help you but you know what you need to do.

Stop contact with this girl. Stop trying to convince her, your wife or even yourself that she is your "best friend". She is not. You want to fvck her - pure and simple and you are infatuated with that feeling not her friendship.

This will all stop naturally if she finds some one and she starts fvcking them. I am being crude for a reason. To make you see what others see. When she starts fvcking other guys (as she should) you will suddenly realise that she is not your best friend. Maybe your real (male) best friend is or maybe your dog, Rover, but certainly not her. Your actual best friend should be your wife. So when girlie finds a fvck buddy (who may evolve into something else), the real problem is that you will look for the next girlie. And that is what needs to be fixed.

Either find out why through professional help if need be or else let your wife go so that she can find someone who really loves her and doesn't think with his d!ck.

Stop lying to yourself and others.
 
#13 ·
The single girl gives you validation, that you are still an attractive person perhaps.

Meanwhile life at home with the wife & kids is difficult?
You may have zero physical intentions to cheat, right now, but what happens if you & your wife start running into problems, will you go running to Ms Single & tell her how difficult things are?
And that's probably how most affairs start.

If you really want to get the "mojo" back with your wife, please end this friendship with this single lady & start to concentrate on wooing your wife, like you did before marriage, before kids.

And it would be interesting to see what age this single lady is.
If she's older, she may not be so amazing because if she was, she'd have a boyfriend and not be hanging out with married men, think about it. Is there any reason why she can't get a single guy?

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
 
#14 ·
thinking hypothetically, i know that even if for whatever "external to this situation" reason me and my wife separated, I know that single girl and i would never take things further. but why then do i wait for her to text, why do i want to call her or spend time with her.. why does it feel better than me and my wife? :( I know for a fact that when i first met my wife years and years ago, i felt the same way as i do now with single girl.

I've been mulling things over about all this for month and month and months... I know that to me, common interest is important, and also personal pride in appearance. I cant blame my wife for the latter, because i know, having two kids is bloody hard on the mind and body. but thinking about it, we've never really had the common interest part.. which makes this situation hard, because single girl and i have plenty of common interests... and she also very much takes pride in her appearance. these two things make me feel rotten knowing that they're the reason why i like spending more time with single girl than with my wife.
You feel so good about it because you are addicted to the dopamine (and other neural chemicals) rush that you get when you are with her. You are in a Fog. You start to go through withdrawal and you long for her to text. Each text and interaction strengthens new neural connections that favor this woman other others including your wife.

You are starting to draw comparisons between them as well. The new neural connections often overwrite others which cause you to think differently for your wife. You are starting to rewrite history.

You are addicted and you need to break the addiction. To do this you need to stop contacting her and responding. You need to break it off. You also need to invest that emotional energy you spent on the OW on your wife and reform connections with her.

For more on your fog and the neural Chemistry of love see my link below on Fog v. love. Note that my post is slightly above the link because of the issues with deleting posts.
 
#15 ·
Your wife is wrangling two kids every day. Of course, she isn't going to look like she just stepped out of a magazine. You don't get undivided attention at home so single girl's place is more attractive. Would you trade your children for a snappy dresser and a quiet house?
 
#16 ·
Let us know when you and single girl hook up. You're already cheating.

Tell your wife she is now in a polyamorous marriage.

Keep the address to this site. You will be here a long time or you will be coming back when your world blows up

Sorry, if you're looking for some more ego kibbles I do not think you'll find it coming from too many who read what you have posted.
 
#18 ·
What kind of a woman invites married men to ‘’hang out’’ all the time at her place? Don’t ruin your marriage over someone who has no respect for people’s marriages. And you need to have respect for your own marriage, as well. I’d stop seeing this ‘’friend’’ and move on. No email. No texting. No snap chatting. No Facebooking. If you want your marriage to work, you need to sever this ‘’friendship,’’ because it’s not healthy for you and your marriage. And not fair at all to your wife and kids. Be strong, you can do this. :)
 
#19 ·
You are having an EA with single girl. If you love your wife, value your marriage and your children's happiness, tell your wife the truth and stop all contact with single girls. Lies in a marriage is like cancer, stop it from spreading now before it destroys everything you love and hold dearly. If you are not happy with your wife and want to go after single girl, better to tell your wife the truth now and end it before you lose the respect of many people including your kids by continuing on with this affair.
 
#21 ·
First of all let's call this what it actual is, an Emotional Affair. Secondly you freely admit that you are a cake eater, you want the relationship with single girl and as a back up you want the relationship with your wife to last. Right now I don't think you deserve either. You're going to have to choose one and completely stop seeing the other. It's just a matter of time before the truth comes out.
 
#26 ·
Your wife has a right to know that you feel another woman is your BEST FRIEND....personally that right there would be heartbreaking..... I don't know what other things you have in common with this single woman -over your wife.. you didn't seem to mention all that much... but you've painted a pretty clear picture to where this is headed..

Please take a moment to read this thread >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html

I knew of a couple who had 2 children.. the daughter has never forgiven her father for stepping out on her Mother...this man has forfeited his daughter, he has never seen his grandchildren.. be careful your choices.. it could alter your life... and think about this.... this single woman.. if she has no qualms or guilty conscience hanging out with you, full well knowing you are having feelings for her (and she knows), that you are secretly keeping this from your wife & 2 children, it just doesn't speak well of her..

Another very good read... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html
 
#29 ·
@me-confused You know it's wrong. But you refuse to not do what you know is wrong.

"Well, your honour, yes, I knew it was wrong to rob that bank, but I did it anyway."

Exactly how well do you think that defence would work? :scratchhead:

It would actually count against the bank robber because he admitted he knew he was guilty from the get go, but still did it anyway.

The friendship, the Emotional Affair, must stop.

Before you come to your senses when you realise you are having sex with your friend.

Won't happen to you? I never thought it would happen to me. But it did. Luckily before sexual intercourse had taken place.

So now you know what could happen, take action to make sure it can't happen.

And mine was a stupid, drunken revenge affair, in case you are wondering.
 
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