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How much should we 'sacrifice' for love?

3K views 25 replies 13 participants last post by  Vega 
#1 ·
Some people believe that once we’re in a relationship or married, that we’re supposed to be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING in order for our partner to be ‘comfortable’ in his/her own skin, and for us to continue in the relationship.

But I believe that there is such a thing as TOO MUCH 'sacrificing' to the point of using "love" in order to manipulate or take advantage of 'us'.

I once had a (heated)discussion with my late husband about this very issue. He told me, “A person should only make a sacrifice once in a while.” Yet, he expected ME to constantly make sacrifices for his sake. :mad:

While I agree that some sacrifices may be necessary in order to keep the relationship going, there can come a point where our partner may be asking too much of us and the sacrifice becomes unreasonable. When this happens, our partner can counter with, "If you love me you would..." which, in *my* book is often pure manipulation and is setting us up to take advantage of us (which is NOT 'love').

At what point do 'sacrifices' become unreasonable?

How much should we sacrifice for the sake of "love"? Do we sacrifice our friends? Our job? Our children? Our home? Our finances? Traveling? Hobbies? Pets? Future plans? Our hair style? Mode of dress? Tastes? Ideas? Religion?

When is it not "love" anymore?
 
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#4 ·
I have never met anyone that thought that a married person must sacrifice ANYTHING.

Even your late husband said that sacrifice should be made "once in a while". If you felt you were sacrificing so much then some introspection is needed. If you martyred yourself i.e. gave too much, sacrificed too much through choice then it is unrealistic to place the blame on the other partner.

You sacrificed too much but you allowed it to happen. If you were manipulated that is on you as well. Your ex was not a prize catch but sorry to say you let him get away with it all.

As to the OP, personally I rarely feel I am sacrificing. There are times that I am being pulled in many directions and doing a lot for other people but it is done because I want to do things for the people I love.
I have sacrificed a little bit of autonomy of my own path in life due to MrH's crazy ex wife and the impact of her choices but life is mostly great here so the small amount of actual sacrifice does not impact that much overall.
 
#6 · (Edited)
'Sacrifice' infers that you are changing who you are for someone else. That is wrong.
I agree, but I want to define what I'm saying a bit more clearly, so,

From Mirriam-Webster:

Full Definition of sacrifice

1. an act of offering to a deity something precious; especially : the killing of a victim on an altar
2. something offered in sacrifice
3a. destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else
b. something given up or lost <the sacrifices made by parents>
4. loss <goods sold at a sacrifice>

Sacrifice to me is "giving up" something for the sake of something else. For example: If *I* want to watch a certain t.v. show at a certain time, and my partner wants to watch a different show at the same time, we only have a few options:

1. I sacrifice watching *my* show and we watch his show
2. He sacrifices watching his show and we watch *my* show
3. Neither of us watches t.v. and we do something else
4. We both compromise and pick a different show that we both want to watch.

In 3 of the four choices, there is sacrifice involved. Even in compromise, we are making somewhat of a sacrifice because we are giving something up.

Giving up a t.v. show may not be that much of a sacrifice, unless you're constantly doing it. But giving up where you want to live (warmer climate vs. colder climate, e.g.) might be a bigger sacrifice that your spouse/partner is asking (insisting?) you to make for them.

The word should not be 'sacrifice'. It should instead be 'compromise'...'Compromise'...is meeting in the middle on issues that you might not necessarily agree on, but doesn't cause you to change who you are as a person
I agree with this too, but compromise isn't always possible. Having children, for example is a big decision. We can't compromise on whether or not to have children. Either we want them or we don't. We may however, be able to compromise on how many children we have.

The more I think about all of this, the more I understand how important it is to settle these issues before we agree to marry.
 
#8 ·
A compatible reciprocal love -where the Joy of a relationship, compatibility in those areas that mean so much to us as individuals ....when this is found.. the rewards of the relationship will so far outweigh the little sacrifices that may come into play.. if one feels them at all...

Love shouldn't feel like a dread.. like our lives are being sacrificed every day.. something is very very wrong with that... Something lasting will bring forth feelings of contentment, a natural "give & take"...there will be many moments of ... "I am so thankful to have this person in my life, by my side, it's a warm feeling of Gratitude that can be overwhelming at times" if we imagine our lives without them there.

If being with someone feels like a push/pull on a daily basis - where what they want/ enjoy annoys us, while they expect to get their way -oblivious to how you are feeling, where it seems you are always waiting.. wishing hoping for more.. more understanding, more care.. this WILL cause a growing resentment...any feelings of love you had will slowly turn sour... this would get old real fast... anyone would feel the same..
 
#10 · (Edited)
I agree, SA. There are little sacrifices that we make sometimes on a daily basis. But if you're with the right person, they won't feel like sacrifices because there's enough reciprocity between the two of you.

Today you might watch his t.v. show, giving up yours. Tomorrow he'll watch yours, giving up his.

This week you'll go to dinner where he wants to go. Next week, it'll be your choice.

Maybe his car won't start one morning and you end up not having time to get your Starbuck's for a week so you can take him to work. And the next month, he goes out of his way to get you a new book that you've wanted.

There are a million small sacrifices we can make for our spouse, and we do them out of love.

But the big things are more of a challenge. Should we be expected to give up our religious beliefs for our spouse (who is an atheist, a different religion or who changes religions)? Our careers? Our desire to have children or not have children? Our inheritance? Manner of dress? Our ideas for retirement? Financial goals?

I understand that the bigger things should be discusses BEFORE marriage and if there's no meeting of the minds, then there shouldn't be any marriage.

But when they're NOT discussed, they can cause enough turmoil to where the marriage may end.

Unless one person makes the sacrifice, if a compromise can't be reached.

Where do we draw the line?
 
#12 ·
I made many sacrifices during my 45 year marriage but I didn't view them as sacrifices. Probably the biggest was that my ex-husband was occasionally transferred and since I worked full-time that required leaving a job in one city and finding another in a new city far away with all the upheaval that goes with relocating your family. I was in charge of all aspects of that since my ex-husband's job was very demanding and involved a lot of travel so he wasn't often around. Had I not worked full-time I wouldn't have given it any thought whatsoever but there's no doubt that moving across country and back a few times was tough with a child to settle in and a new job for me to find.

As to other sacrifices -- or what should have been compromises -- I did defer to my ex-husband far more than I probably should have because he cared more than I did and I wanted him to be happy. Especially with houses and cars and boats. Those were the things I compromised on most. With vacations we alternated -- every other year we got our choice.

However, if I had it all to do over again I wouldn't be quite so accommodating because my ex-husband grew to expect that I wouldn't care about most of those things and he became a little too entitled. That's never good.
 
#15 ·
However, if I had it all to do over again I wouldn't be quite so accommodating because my ex-husband grew to expect that I wouldn't care about most of those things and he became a little too entitled. That's never good.
Hmm.

You brought up an interesting thought for me, Openminded. I'm sort of tying in how compatible we are, to how accommodating we are, and how accommodating we are to how much we may actually be sacrificing!

Compromise is wonderful, but I think it's a lot like sacrifice and accommodating. There IS such a thing as "too much" in any case.
 
#14 ·
This ^. I think though that there is a blurry line between sacrificing and compromising. Also, I don't think all sacrifices are bad. When I got married my W moved up to live with me (she grew up and lived in a different state). In the end it worked out for the best, but this was clearly a sacrifice on her part for what she thought was the best for our marriage.
 
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#26 ·
LOL!!! I'd be laughing right along with ya! I obviously don't know your husband, but I know the 'animal'.

People like him see compromise as a 'tie'. To them, a 'tie' is a loss, simply because it means he didn't WIN. There's either 'win' or 'lose'. No in-between.

My late husband (the narcissist) actually taught me that!
 
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