I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore.
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Old 11-21-2011, 01:57 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore.

Hello forum,

I found this website while looking for marriage counselers and relationship advice. I figured this is just another avenue I can take to trying to better understand the path I should travel in my current struggles with my wife. Here's my story....

My wife and I have been married now for close to three years. The first two and a half years were beautiful, wonderful, amazing. We were both so very in love with each other and pretty much everyone around us thought we were perfect together and destined to be married forever. My wife started a new job about a year ago, and since has slowly been changing into a different person. She used to be very much on top of our finances as she thoroughly enjoyed handling the bills and when payouts went, then after the new job she just quit caring about the bills and so I had to jump in and take over. Very unlike her. Then, a few months into her new job she started making new friends there. I was excited for her as she did not have very many friends at this point and I felt it important that she had friends. I encouraged her to develop these friendships. Then came the first of two guys there that would become her "closest" friends. She has always told me, even before we were together, that all her life she just seemed to get along with guys better as women were always too catty and backstabbing for her tastes. I was ok with this, I had trust in her. This first guy friend is a very fit, muscular, attractive guy. So, I was naturally a little stand offish when they became "best friends". They texted a lot, talked on the phone from time to time, and would go to lunch together all the time. Eventually them being together caught the attention of their HR dept. and the dept. head even questioned their work relationship. The dept. head there has a very strong dislike of my wife and went as far as insinuating that her and this best friend were sleeping together. My wife immediately brought this info to me and broke down in front of me from the embarrasment of it and assuring me it was not true. I believed her, still do. It came out later that this best friend is gay, but I have my doubts on that being 100%. I still don't think there is anything other than a friendship between them though, but I think this best friend is seriously overstepping his bounderies as far as a work friend goes. He has appointed himself her "protector" whenever they are together. Then there is the second friend. He is 15 years older than my wife. He is a single, socially awkward kind of a guy. Very, very involved in his church. He lives alone and I imagine he is quite lonely in life, only spending time with his family members. My wife befriended him and I believe he developed a sort of lost puppy syndrome about him. He considers her and the "best friends" his two closest friends in life and has even said he'd be lost without them. So, her and lonely guy started texting and talking alot as well. It started to be so frequent that she would text with the both of them all night until bedtime while I sat on the couch down from her, pretty much ignoring me. They became the "three musketeers" so to speak. A trio of best friends you could call them.

Ok, so to the issues that all this led to. I traveled overseas for a long weekend to escort a family member back to the states. While I was gone she spent one day with best friend number 1 and was there to support him when he came out to his mom as gay. Because he lives so far from where we live my wife decided to stay down at his place since I was gone. She made this known to me the day of. I wasn't thrilled about it, but I trusted her. What caused the biggest issue though was that before I had gotten this word from her I had tried to contact her via phone several times that day. She never would answer. I came to find out that her phone kept coming up as all zeroes as I was using an international calling card. She thought it was a telemarketer and chose to ignore the calls. Then, my aunt stateside tried to reach her the same day and her calls went unanswered as well. After my aunt told me this via phone call I was very worried. So, I called, emailed, texted...anything I could to reach her. That is when I finally received the email that said she was supporting her best friend in his meeting with his mom. I told her I felt ignored and replaced. She said I was being foolish and suffocating. That was fight number 1. I came back home a couple days later, we talked, and seemed to smooth things over a bit.

Then, over the course of that next month my wife changed even more as her doctor put her on a new birth control. This new BC changed her mood entirely. She became cold, distant, even mean. She continued the texts, but was constantly cold towards me. She told me she was the same with her coworkers and that she was changing the meds. The lonely best friend number 2 started to become even more attached to my wife and I finally questioned it. She assured me that there was nothing and that he was just in need of friends. I left it at that for then. Then, a couple weeks later the texts were going crazy and she was calling him at unusual times. I decided to check the phone and text logs and found that they were in almost constant contact every day and night. I could see her texting in the evenings, but never what she was texting. She always assured me that they were harmless, friendly texts. She even showed me several chat strings. They weren't bad, but I could see how much this guy seemed to be attached to her. So, a couple days later I flat out asked her if she had feelings for this guy. THAT WAS A MISTAKE. She flipped out on me asking me how I could even think that and why I didn't trust her. From that moment she became very mad and resentful to me. She then proceeded to remind me that she had told me in the beginning of our relationship that jealousy and paranoia were "dealbreakers" in her book. (Side note: She had been in a relationship prior to me that ended in his severe jealousy driving him to become physically abusive with her and he nearly killed her. I am certain this left her very scarred in her life.) She told me that she saw me walking the same path that her abusive ex walked prior to him abusing her. I told her there was no way I could ever lay a hurtful hand on her. There really is no way I ever could. She said anyone could.

So, a month and a half has passed since the night I asked her if she had feelings for her lonely friend. I have not heard "I love you" from her since then. No kisses from her. She tells me that she is not ready to forgive me for being jealous and paranoid. She tells me she is still battling in her head whether or not she can let the "dealbreaker" slide this time. In the last couple weeks she has softened a little. She does talk to me a little more. She has even given me a few light hugs in the last couple weeks. She still won't say she loves me, even when I tell her I love her. I have certainly been better since the jealousy happened, but I feel it is not enough to be better and improve myself for her. I have been told by several people, even my counseler, to give her time. It's been nearly two months. How much time should I give before feeling she will never come around? I love her with all my heart. She is my world, my everything. I am so very lost without her love and warmth. I tell her this, but she just looks at me like I am speaking another language. What do I do???

So very sorry this is so long. I just had to get it out there.
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Old 11-21-2011, 02:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore.

I suggest you check out the coping with infidelity forum as it sounds and smells like an affair

she is "gaslighting"- she puts all of her suspicious behavior onto you and makes you out to be crazy, this is a very common reaction of a cheating spouse


my advice is to start digging quietly
check her phone records for large amounts of texts and calls (BTW what type of phone does she have, it is possible with some phones to retrieve deleted texts)
see if she is locking down things with passwords on the phone and laptop
consider putting a VAR in her car as she likely makes calls in there
get a keylogger on the computers and get her passwords to her emails
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Old 11-21-2011, 02:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore.

and if you do find something, do NOT confront in an emotional state, please come back here (in the CWI forum) and ask for help, most betrayed spouses screw up the initial confrontation due to their emotional state
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Old 11-21-2011, 02:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore.

Her bahavior it totally insensitive nonsense.

Marriages need healthy boundaries and mutual respect of which your wife has none witj opposite gender friendships.

She is manipulatiiong you into to tolerating inappropriate behavior for a married woman and has you on the run with her gaslighting.

Its so transparent.

Here is a thread on red flags for opposite gender friendships. What are your red flags for spouses opposite gender friendships

Last edited by NoIssues; 11-21-2011 at 02:18 PM.
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Old 11-22-2011, 08:50 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore.

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Originally Posted by LostMaestro View Post
She tells me that she is not ready to forgive me for being jealous and paranoid. She tells me she is still battling in her head whether or not she can let the "dealbreaker" slide this time.
I guess when you are experiencing this yourself, you don't see how ridiculous this is. She gets to have a dealbreaker, but you don't? You need a deal breaker. And if there was ever grounds for a deal breaker, her behavior is it. Put yourself in charge. She is in charge now.
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Old 11-22-2011, 09:43 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore.

Just as an outsider...

I get the sense your wife was "depressed" about your marriage so things like bill paying slide. Your wife needs to feel emotional connection and didn't get that from you so she sought it elsewhere developing a "safe haven" relationship.

Now she is on the fence... you have questioned her decision and she likes that safety of that relationship... its almost like cheating but not sure if a PA or EA is really going on yet.

I'd do two things first you NEED TO LOOK DEEP IN THE MIRROR and see where you can become a better man for her or any woman. Take time to research woman's needs.

Second I would tell her that you know you have pushed her away and are working on becoming a better you. Disarm her and take some ownership. It is BOTH your faults.

take 100% of responsibility for your part in your marriage. Good or bad.

Now i would call her bluff eventually. Tell her that you are committed to this marriage only if she is as well. Don't let her make you hang get a commitment or force her hand. At least with a commitment you both have a place to start. You can't change her you can only change yourself. Take the high road and start fulfilling her needs. Stop talking and start doing consistently she will eventually want to reciprocate. This will take a long time... she basically had an emotional disconnect. In my case we are just getting her two years afterwards. Be patient but be firm with her.

Be upbeat and be happy...a man she would want to hang with!
Don't do more than 55% of the chores day to day ever!
Less talk (She heard you) more consistent personal change... a better you.

Good Luck

Last edited by Trying2figureitout; 11-22-2011 at 09:48 AM.
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Old 11-22-2011, 10:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore.

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Just as an outsider...

I get the sense your wife was "depressed" about your marriage so things like bill paying slide. Your wife needs to feel emotional connection and didn't get that from you so she sought it elsewhere developing a "safe haven" relationship.

Now she is on the fence... you have questioned her decision and she likes that safety of that relationship... its almost like cheating but not sure if a PA or EA is really going on yet.

I'd do two things first you NEED TO LOOK DEEP IN THE MIRROR and see where you can become a better man for her or any woman. Take time to research woman's needs.

Second I would tell her that you know you have pushed her away and are working on becoming a better you. Disarm her and take some ownership. It is BOTH your faults.

take 100% of responsibility for your part in your marriage. Good or bad.

Now i would call her bluff eventually. Tell her that you are committed to this marriage only if she is as well. Don't let her make you hang get a commitment or force her hand. At least with a commitment you both have a place to start. You can't change her you can only change yourself. Take the high road and start fulfilling her needs. Stop talking and start doing consistently she will eventually want to reciprocate. This will take a long time... she basically had an emotional disconnect. In my case we are just getting her two years afterwards. Be patient but be firm with her.

Be upbeat and be happy...a man she would want to hang with!
Don't do more than 55% of the chores day to day ever!
Less talk (She heard you) more consistent personal change... a better you.

Good Luck

if she is cheating, then putting the onus on the OP to "be a better husband" is a terrible mistake

he's responsible for 50% of the marital problems, she's responsible for 100% of the affair if she's having one

spouses who cheat will exaggerate the problems of the marriage (or flat out falsify ones) in order to justify their actions
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Old 11-23-2011, 05:41 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore.

This is an oneway relationship.
Get out of this fast because it will make you miserable.
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Old 11-23-2011, 06:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore.

AlsmostRecovered has some great points.

Let your wife know it's not about jealousy or being paranoid, tell her i'ts about how you miss her, and would like to have her undivided attention for quality alone time for your marriage. Ask her for some times through the week/week-end that are for just the two of you, no phone, texts, etc..., she can get back to that when it's not your time together. Then go on dates or do things that are fun and will help reconnect you to the happiness you started with.
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Old 11-23-2011, 07:22 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore.

Your wife has zero respect for you. You don't give her reason to.
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Old 11-23-2011, 08:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore.

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Your wife has zero respect for you. You don't give her reason to.
you know I don't mind the tough love stuff like this at times but you haven't really given any constructive criticism with it, thus it comes off as an insult and the OP will likely just ignore your advice as a result
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Old 11-23-2011, 11:42 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore.

I sort of agree with Locard. What is it going to take for the OP to realize he has enabled this from the start?

You are the husband she is the wife. Drop the hammer.

If she loves you she will stop this foolish EA. "Friends". Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?
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Old 11-23-2011, 11:49 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I sort of agree with Locard. What is it going to take for the OP to realize he has enabled this from the start?

You are the husband she is the wife. Drop the hammer.

If she loves you she will stop this foolish EA. "Friends". Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?

I'm not saying he is wrong

I'm saying that by merely posting a quick and hard post like that will only cause men who have trouble asserting themselves to get defensive and dismiss the post quickly. (I fear the OP is already gone anyways, he hasn't been on since yesterday) The first tough love post needs to be backed up with some reasons in order to get the point across without sounding like an insult.
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Old 11-23-2011, 11:58 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore.

You need to call her out on the crap - because honestly it sounds like she is at best in an EA, but since she is physically distant and aggressively telling you that you are way out of line in worrying about your marriage, and talking to her - it likely has on PA or will shortly.

Get "More than friends" and read it.

It's is not being jealous or paranoid to see your wife putting immense amounts of time into another man - it is just being smart and trusting your gut. Clearly she is putting lost of time and emotion into him - and he is doing the same back to her. The OM obviously is working hard at pursuing and building the relationship with her.

Her reaction to you, is a huge red flag, it is also disrespectful, and says she doesn't recognize your right, and I mean right, to set boundaries that you will accept from your partner.
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