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Is It Ever Ok to Cheat?

4K views 44 replies 33 participants last post by  3Xnocharm 
#1 ·
I'm new here and I'm at a loss. I've been married to my H for over 30 years. I am mid 50's , good shape, take great care of myself and have a family owned company. We have not had sex in years. Yes, years.

I can't stand my husband and haven't for about as long as we haven't had sex. I can't even close my eyes and imagine. He's not gross, overweight smells bad or anything like that. I just don't respect him as a man. I used to love sex all the time. At a drop of a hat, at a drop of your hat. We did everything possible.

He's been an alcoholic forever and it has affected his work. As in he doesn't come in, he says he's tired, etc etc. I on the other hand love to work. Always have.

No, we can't sell the business. No we can't separate as we are so tied together, my lawyer says grin and bear it for a few more years.

Morally, I know it's wrong. But I just can't take it anymore. He won't go to counseling, AA or squat. I've been to counseling, sex counseling, marriage counseling, you name it.

Same answer, get a divorce. Am I just a stupid woman?
 
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#2 · (Edited)
Sweetheart ~ you are indeed between a rock and a hard place!

And no, it is never acceptable or honorable to cheat in your wedding vows or on your spouse!

That being said, I'll be fastly praying for your plight!

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#3 ·
So here's what it comes down to: there is a COST and a BENEFIT to every choice.

1) You can choose to not lose the business and the home and the comfy life (the benefit) and the cost is that you get no sex.

OR

2) You can choose to pursue sex while you can (the benefit) and the cost is the business, the home and the comfy life.

What you can NOT do is try to convince us that there are occasionally instances where cheating is justified. Not gonna happen. If you feel you "have to" cheat--then just be brave and end the marriage.
 
#4 ·
You are not stupid.

Is it ever OK to cheat?

Not really. The guilt trips up decent people. And you are a decent person.

Alcoholism breaks the alcoholic and also the hearts of his/her spouse.

But the alcoholic has alcohol as a crutch. The spouse? Not so much to act as their crutch.

There's a reason why they are all suggesting divorce.

However, has he ever tried drying out in a residential setting?
 
#5 ·
Why don't you ask for an open marriage?

Maybe you already have one and you don't know it.

As in, maybe he's got a gf.

Why did the sex stop?

I realize I'm in the minority here but when you cut your spouse off from sex for years you really have no right to be upset if they end up getting it elsewhere.

If I cut my hb off I'd expect him to eventually be vulnerable to getting it elsewhere. Not saying he would, but I would not be shocked.
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#18 ·
First you should tell your husband that you are at your breaking point. Maybe he will have his come to Jesus moment.

However if not then look at it logically. If you get a divorce you can meet someone new and have a long healthy relationship that can be out in the open an celebrated by both you and your new SO. You can be authentic about it with your friends and family.

If you cheat all you can have is a tawdry affair, even if you husband knows and doesn't care, people who don't know this will see what you are doing as wrong. Just that fact will put a huge amount of pressure on the cheating relationship. If your husband doesn't know then this will involve you lying and not living an authentic life. Don't you want to live your life with honor? Why sacrifice your integrity for someone you say you "can't stand"? This make no sense.

Bottom line if you want to have a healthy relationship and move on to happiness you need to end your current relationship first.
 
#21 ·
Well I know what no contact is like. I won't have sex with my husband either. He seems to prefer pornography over me and I told him there's no way I'd have sex with him under those circumstances. In my view he's cheating. Your husband is cheating too, but he's doing it with a bottle. And I get "circumstances". My kids keep me married for now.
 
#23 · (Edited)
How much is your integrity and honor worth? Even if you cheat and get away with it cleanly, and take that secret to your grave, you will always have that scarlet letter in your life's folder. There are former wayward wives here who would give anything to take back what they did.

I have a crazy idea. It might work or it might not. It's sort of a Hail Mary to gauge your husband's reaction...
 
#24 ·
No, we can't sell the business. No we can't separate as we are so tied together, my lawyer says grin and bear it for a few more years.
If the business is what's holding you back from divorcing then put you and your H's ownership interest into a trust. All income from your ownership shares including income from a future sale go into the trust. You and H draw monies equally (or whatever split the divorce papers state) from the trust.

This is what I did in my divorce. In my (single) trust I have ownership shares from 2 corporations and 1 LLC. Consult a trust lawyer.
 
#26 ·
Is cheating wrong?

Yes.

But what kind of cheating? Sexual cheating, obviously, but what of the other types of cheating?

Cheating your spouse out of a good marriage by being abusive, or an alcoholic or a gambler are also cheating.

You have no husband.

Make it formal. Divorce him. And find peace and satisfaction with a real man.
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#27 ·
So that I am clear about your "situation" this is what I understand.

You married your husband when you both were in your early 20's and had a good life ("you used to love sex all the time" - presumably with him).

You have been married for over 30 years.

Now in your mid 50s, you have been taking care of yourself and are in great shape and look good. In the meantime he has built up (maybe with you) a family business.

He on the other hand has (for whatever reason) become an alcoholic and does not perform at work as well as he used to.

And here is the kicker …. YOU HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM BECAUSE OF THIS …. FOR YEARS!!!!

Your marriage vows might have said or implied something along the lines of "in sickness or in health" but you have chosen to ignore that. You need to help him with his alcoholism - instead you figure you would like to try some strange d!ck to keep you satisfied. Whatsmore you don't want to divorce so that you can be sure you don't lose out on any accumulated wealth or stability. So you entertain the idea of getting your sexual needs met by other cheating scumb@gs while your husband drives his health into the ground.

Now you may not be one, but this is the behaviour of a self-entitled, cheating, amoral scumb@g! Please don't become one. DON'T CHEAT. Either help him out of his alcoholism or get divorced. And if you decide to stay married, then give him sex or permission to screw other women.

On a different note, why did he start drinking? You need to honestly answer this question to yourself (not necessarily for us).
 
#35 ·
So that I am clear about your "situation" this is what I understand.

You married your husband when you both were in your early 20's and had a good life ("you used to love sex all the time" - presumably with him).

You have been married for over 30 years.

Now in your mid 50s, you have been taking care of yourself and are in great shape and look good. In the meantime he has built up (maybe with you) a family business.

He on the other hand has (for whatever reason) become an alcoholic and does not perform at work as well as he used to.

And here is the kicker …. YOU HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM BECAUSE OF THIS …. FOR YEARS!!!!



Your marriage vows might have said or implied something along the lines of "in sickness or in health" but you have chosen to ignore that. You need to help him with his alcoholism - instead you figure you would like to try some strange d!ck to keep you satisfied. Whatsmore you don't want to divorce so that you can be sure you don't lose out on any accumulated wealth or stability. So you entertain the idea of getting your sexual needs met by other cheating scumb@gs while your husband drives his health into the ground.

Now you may not be one, but this is the behaviour of a self-entitled, cheating, amoral scumb@g! Please don't become one. DON'T CHEAT. Either help him out of his alcoholism or get divorced. And if you decide to stay married, then give him sex or permission to screw other women.

On a different note, why did he start drinking? You need to honestly answer this question to yourself (not necessarily for us).
Just so you're clear about the situation, the business was started by both of us with me earning the opportunity. I'm the one that has worked 60-70 hour weeks to make it grow. My husband doesn't know what working Saturday means.

You can't help anybody with alcoholism that doesn't want it. He started drinking when he was 17 years old. I didn't think anything of it as everybody was partying. I've begged him to get help, go to AA, go to rehab, anything. So that's off my shoulders. You can't make him.

I'm the one that raised our child, responsible for all college costs, responsible for all household, responsible for the business. He will literally work 4 hours a day on sales calls, and say ok i'm tired i'm going home. I'm there until 8.

So if I can't divorce, can't separate, can't have a relationship, can't have sex what do you propose?
 
#29 ·
Do you have kids with your husband, or is the financial issues they only thing that is making it seem impossible to divorce. Don't cheat on your spouse, you will be hurting a lot more people than him and especially your kids if you have any.

You need to decide what is more important, your happiness or your financial lifestyle. If you chose to stay married for financial reason then stayed married and honor your vows. Don't let this man lower your self respect and dignity. If you really can't take it anymore than divorce and deal with the financial issues somehow. There is more important things than money, you just need to decide which one you want more.

I wish you all the best. I know this is not an easy decision.
 
#31 ·
We all have to make decisions. As someone said, it's a cost/benefit analysis in some cases. Part of the cost depends on how much you value integrity - and I do think there can be mitigating circumstances. While I do not think cheating is ever a good choice, I do think it can sometimes be a lesser evil. And while not a good choice, I do feel that revenge affairs are understandable, and I also think exit affairs are too - if there has been abuse, putting them in the category of revenge as well.

In your case, not so much, though. Suck it up for a few years and then leave, or leave now and risk the financial consequences. Well, unless money is more important than integrity, I guess.
 
#32 ·
Am I just a stupid woman?


Nope. Not at all. Don't think you are. You don't need the burden of remorse for your actions to add more weight to his actions.

Yes, cheating is wrong. It just is. I think if he's that abhorrent to you, you need to put more energy into getting your marriage to evolve into an agreed don't-ask-don't-tell situation.

Nothing easy about it but it's your choice to avoid sex with him, as it's his choice to drink. Find some arrangement you can live with.
 
#33 ·
This doesn't seem as complicated as it is. Separate. Even if you have to live together and manage money or the business or whatever. Tell him, the marriage is over, we are separated, I am living my own life, and when we can physically divorce. Once he is aware of the circumstances, you can do what you want.
 
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