General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
When porn has caused intimacy in your own marriage to suffer, IT IS NOT okay!!! It's also not okay, in general!! I can understand a few peeks here and there, but an entire collection? How do you think that makes a wife feel??!! He'd rather look at porn than make love to his wife?! Not that this should matter by ANY MEANS, by I am a person of normal weight, have always cared about my looks, etc.
Yes, you're right. It's not ok in general. For people like that who want to have mountains of porn without the "police" watching over them, well they can just go off into their little porn caves away from the REAL world, away from REAL women and play with themselves until they lose all sensitivity to their penises and women. Men like that deserve to be alone with their screen/paper girls. That's so hot.
I personally don't buy the "men don't want intimacy" theory in this particular case. Why? because if he was abused, and I'm not doubting he was, you would think that something dirty like porn would disgust him more than having a real intimate LOVING relationship with someone he TRUSTS. It just doesn't add up. Porn is NO excuse. I think the first step you both need to take is therapy. If you don't seek therapy immediately, this is how your life is going to pan out for the long haul. I'm sorry for what happened to him, but you deserve a better marriage than that. It seems to me your husband is using his porn usage as an excuse for allowing him to either deal or heal with what happened to him. He will not die, like most men think they will if they stop using porn.
I have no experience dealing with someone who has sexual abuse issues, but I wanted to say that I feel almost any marriage can be saved if both partners want to save the marriage. I agree with others who are offering counseling.
You said you have some re-evaluating to do. A counselor can help you do that. They can lay it all out on the table for you, tell you what you will need to do to repair your marriage, and then you can determine if you feel your marriage is worth the effort. I don't know your whole situation just through reading here, but I believe almost all marriages that do not involve abuse are worth at the least an honest effort at repairing.
1) If you want to save your marriage disconnect with your FB friend, just end it.
2) If you want to end your marriage stay connected with the FB friend.
Can you and your H work it out? I really don't know but if you really love your H and want to try #1 MUST be done. Either way, all the best to you both
Yes, you're right. It's not ok in general. For people like that who want to have mountains of porn without the "police" watching over them, well they can just go off into their little porn caves away from the REAL world, away from REAL women and play with themselves until they lose all sensitivity to their penises and women. Men like that deserve to be alone with their screen/paper girls. That's so hot.
I personally don't buy the "men don't want intimacy" theory in this particular case. Why? because if he was abused, and I'm not doubting he was, you would think that something dirty like porn would disgust him more than having a real intimate LOVING relationship with someone he TRUSTS. It just doesn't add up. Porn is NO excuse. I think the first step you both need to take is therapy. If you don't seek therapy immediately, this is how your life is going to pan out for the long haul. I'm sorry for what happened to him, but you deserve a better marriage than that. It seems to me your husband is using his porn usage as an excuse for allowing him to either deal or heal with what happened to him. He will not die, like most men think they will if they stop using porn.
This is a bigotted, sexist post and I would not be surprised if the author's mate uses porn as she is so misandryst.
I'm not going to even bother asking how is that a biggoted sexist post because I'm so used to reactions like yours. I don't even waste my time anymore to be honest. That's how I feel about the matter. Everyone here has different opinions about the problem. It's a message board, deal with it.
I'm not going to even bother asking how is that a biggoted sexist post because I'm so used to reactions like yours. I don't even waste my time anymore to be honest. That's how I feel about the matter. Everyone here has different opinions about the problem. It's a message board, deal with it.
Take your sexist, manhating crap and stick it up your ass. (Deal with that).
Take your sexist, manhating crap and stick it up your ass. (Deal with that).
That's exactly to be expected from a person like you. Choosing name-calling instead of a carefully reasoned refutation.
You should stop trying to convince people (women) that your filth is ok. It's not and it never will be. It's obvious you have no respect for women. A direct product of the very corrupt, distorted ideals you're so vehemently trying to defend.
Tigger, I am also a spouse of a mate who was sexually abused as a child. It's a tough row to hoe.
I might suggest you do some reading on PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder). If you will do a little reading on this, you will begin to see an explanation to some of your husband's behavior.
He needs professional help. You are probably not qualified, and even if you are, you are way to "close" to be of any help to him. What I mean is that you MUST help him, but he will need much, much more and from a independent therapist. Try to find one who specializes in victims of childhood sexual abuse.
You yourself may want to consider counciling as well. It helps to know just how to deal with you mate and what he is going through.
I wish you all the best. Like I said, it is a tough road. Is it worth it? There's no one that can answer that question except you and your mate. IF he will do the hard work to heal, then yes, it is. But often times so much damage has been done to the spouse that there is no recovery. Only you can decide.
That's exactly to be expected from a person like you. Choosing name-calling instead of a carefully reasoned refutation.
You should stop trying to convince people (women) that your filth is ok. It's not and it never will be. It's obvious you have no respect for women. A direct product of the very corrupt, distorted ideals you're so vehemently trying to defend.
Tigger, I've followed your postings from the other part of this forum. You definitely have a full plate right now.
Your husband's porn addiction is like a virtual affair. His promises to keep swearing it off, and then continually breaking those promises sound an awful lot like an alcoholic who hasn't hit rock bottom yet.
Given your history, you are probably justified in giving him an ultimatum; get into counseling, deal with the past abuse, and enter a 12-step program for sexual addicts. Or else you are going to divorce him. I am not a Catholic, but I do come from a faith background in which divorce is considered taboo. But your husband is having an emotional affair with his porn. He's possibly using it as a way to deal with the emotional baggage his own past has attached to sex. But the type of addiction cycle you describe is wrong.
But this in no way justifies your emotional affair. I understand your desire to look elsewhere to have your emotional and physical needs met, but it is still wrong. Understandable, but wrong. You need to go no contact with the other man.
Unless your husband takes responsibility and does the right thing, your marriage is headed nowhere good. But if it fails, don't be the reason it failed. Don't add your own list of sins to those of your husband. Give it your all and if it doesn't work out, then move on.
I'm afraid in your mind, the two issues (husband's issues plus your EA) have become intertwined. Hubby is addictively into porn, so why would it be so bad if I had an affair? You can only take responsibility for your actions, so do the right thing from your point of view.
But if hubby won't deal with his issues, I think you should leave him. His refusal to deal with his hangups is also destroying your marriage.
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