General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
In all of our 17 years of marriage, these last six to eight months have been the hardest, most difficult of them all.
My husband is a wonderful, wonderful man, but we have spent the last six to nearly seven years living more like roommates than lovers, for although intimate in other ways, we have not had actual intercourse ONCE in that entire timeframe! I have also had my share of tears and our share of discussions over his collections of pornography. The cycle has always been the same (even back to our dating years). I find his stash, cry over it, we talk about it, he promises to get rid of it and a few years later .... we're back to square one!
As for me and my personal struggle right now. In April of this year I reconnected with an old friend on FB and we have been in constant contact ever since. Would I categorize it as an emotional affair? Probably, yes. As much as I love talking to him, though, I'm miserable inside! Part of my misery is because I know what I'm doing is completely wrong and part of my misery is that I'm feeling like I want out of my marriage. Would I necessarily leave my husband for this other man? No. Would, though, I enjoy being single again, allowing me to date this other man? Yes.
The third and biggest issue (which I feel could answer a lot of questions) is that in our having a serious conversation last night about us, our marriage (his does know about this old friend, but I, of course, have minimalized it) and our future/lack of future, my husband revealed to me that he was molested as a child. It was NOT a family member, and his family doesn't even know about it. Not even his parents. All I could do was cry, but that was all he was willing to share. He didn't want to talk about it any further, or go into any type of detail. Later that evening, my sadness turned to anger!! How could someone do this to the little boy that is now my husband? Could these terrible, terrible experiences have caused his heavy interest in porn and his lack of intimacy? Could this be the reason why he never wanted any children?
I have absolutely no reason not to believe his story. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but he's tired of living this way. He claims I'm sad all the time (which I am), and he just doesn't feel like my heart is in the marriage anymore (which I don't know if it is, either). But do I want it to end? I honestly don't know. I think we allowed our marriage to die. Can we bring it back to life? But if we do, will his very sad, traumatic past always bring these same issues to the marriage?
Any advice, personal stories, anything would be greatly appreciated! Thank you kindly!
Why don't you suggest he go into individual therapy to work it through and to grow as a healthy man.
Maybe you two can try sex therapy with someone who has experience with childhood molestation.
The individual therapist could find recommendations for well respected sex therapists that wouldn't make things worse for you two.
Maybe you could get individual therapy too to help you work through the frustrations you have on your plate.
Considering he hasn't had sex in almost 7 years, you can't really blame him for having porn - that's his sexual outlet. I don't think the porn is the cause here, however his sexual abuse as a child may be contributing to him not trying to be sexual with you... do you ever initiate, even on the purely physical level with him? Does he have performance/erection issues? What was sex life like 10, 15 years ago? It also doesn't help that you have been putting your emotional energies elsewhere (not blaming you entirely, just suggesting that your EA is certainly only harming your chances of being able to get past this bad part of your marriage).
[QUOTE=Lon;491611]Considering he hasn't had sex in almost 7 years, you can't really blame him for having porn - that's his sexual outlet. QUOTE]
I've ALWAYS been the initiator!! I've been the one that has said time and time again, "We're growing apart, we NEED that physical connection, this is NOT normal, etc." His answer was always the same, "I know, I know!" It's no excuse, but I've been a lonely wife for a long time. I don't think I really realized it, though, until I made this reconnection. You sometimes don't realize how vulnerable you really are until certain circumstances develop. I'm not entirely to blame here!
Forcing your husband to deny his interest in pornography is absurd especially with the history you describe. You have turned yourself into the police department in your home. If it makes him happy then you ought to get over it. Why would anyone want to date the cops? Why not liberate the poor man and tell him its ok? You need therapy to get over your hang up with porn. Men are visual and enjoy looking at women. Then you sneak around, lying and have an emotional affair which is wrong where porn is not. .
When porn has caused intimacy in your own marriage to suffer, IT IS NOT okay!!! It's also not okay, in general!! I can understand a few peeks here and there, but an entire collection? How do you think that makes a wife feel??!! He'd rather look at porn than make love to his wife?! Not that this should matter by ANY MEANS, by I am a person of normal weight, have always cared about my looks, etc.
The other posters probably don't know your story, so I'm sorry that you are being blamed for his porn problem.
Sexual abuse does not HAVE to turn into a porn problem for men. In fact, I would venture to say that he needs to get this out of his life. Call a spade a spade - he's using it to avoid dealing with the issues that prevent him from meeting your needs.
I was sexually abused as a boy, and again in a youth detention center for boys. To be honest, your EA will hurt him more than you can ever know. All of the things he has done sexually are ways to run from his problems, which focus around the belief that real, in the flesh people cannot be trusted. By revealing his past abuse, it does offer new ways to approach the lack of sex in your relationship. By seeing a therapist, he can learn to trust you completely, and let go of the fear he feels when intimate.
You are a woman of faith and integrity - please let him go if you if you do not intend to stop the EA. I really don't know how effective therapy can be at his age, since I overcame many of the issues much younger, but connecting to you intimately has to be in a way that he senses trust and acceptance.
I know its different for different men, but sex abuse can make men hyper-afraid of turning out like their abuser. Since it often involves a person of trust, it shatters the ability to really trust what our society calls traditional trustworthy people. So he likely approaches sex with you with a whole lot of baggage. He's afraid of not being normal, not being able to meet your needs. Afraid that if he opens himself completely, you might betray that trust.
If a guy overcomes the trust issues, most that I know, including myself, become much more sexual than many other men. Through connecting with the one we love, we get the reassurance that we crave, that she can be trusted. Honestly, many abused people never get to this place though. Life proves them right in their doubts over and over, and they never really try.
Others will disagree, I'm sure, but my suggestion is to end this friendship silently and completely. Do not tell him until you've made the decision to stay committed, or divorce, and he is in some sort of therapy.
I was molested as an 11 year old three times(I was an altar boy, BTW). It affected me a lot and made intimacy tough for me.
I was a very good looking young man, excellent athlete. In college, I turned down countless opportunities for sex.
Porn addiciton is a way to avoid intimacy. Intimacy requires trust and that is difficult for someone who has been molested(I told my mom, BTW, and we never talked about it after that one time).
Just like women who have been molested as children act in strange ways as regards sexual intimacy, I think men do, too.
I think your H may be at the beginning of his road to recovery(although one is always scarred to some extent).
He did not choose the molestation. Sometimes, the actions of a predator on a child doom the kid to a lifetime of issues.Remember, when this happened to him, he was a kid.
One more thing, as regards your infidelity. You need to realize that infidelity affects vicitms differently. Some folks, who had secure upbingings, without the type of trauma your H had, get past it Okay.With folks with a background like your H(and me) getting past this seems particularly difficult. It is another sign that people are not tp be trusted.
I am dealing with that now. I still look pretty good. I am successful athletically and in my law practice. Kids and dogs love me. Yet, I cannot bring myself to go out with women.
I'm not really going to be checking this site in the future (I've worked through many issues), so if you have questions about how sexual abuse affects a man, please feel free to PM me.
Considering he hasn't had sex in almost 7 years, you can't really blame him for having porn - that's his sexual outlet. QUOTE]
I've ALWAYS been the initiator!! I've been the one that has said time and time again, "We're growing apart, we NEED that physical connection, this is NOT normal, etc." His answer was always the same, "I know, I know!" It's no excuse, but I've been a lonely wife for a long time. I don't think I really realized it, though, until I made this reconnection. You sometimes don't realize how vulnerable you really are until certain circumstances develop. I'm not entirely to blame here!
Tigger, I wasn't trying to accuse you of being cold at all, quite the opposite. I think Halien and Arnold put my thoughts to words much better than what I was trying to say. For whatever issues he has had to deal with in life, there is some fear of intimacy, which does not happen with the porn, and whish is why it is easier for him to have an outlet with that instead. His problem isn't about you it's him, he isn't giving himself permission to be sexual with you.
It's a huge act of trust that your husband has shared this with you now. Good on you for having a supportive response. Please encourage him to go to counseling. Now that he has acknowledged it he can begin to heal.
This is true. I was the golden boy. I felt I would be looked at as damaged and weak for letting this happen to me.
Now, that I have kids of my own, Ican see that an 11 year old had no responsibility for this and little means of preventing it. I still cannot believe a man could do this to me as a child.
But, I never, for almost 40 years, told anyone(except my mom that one time as a kid). It was only when I went to deal with the effects of my wife's serial cheating that I opened up to a therapist. I do not know why there is so much shame within someone who has had this done to him, but there is.
Your H has probably told no one about this, as he feels it diminishes him and that he deserved it .
If you have kids, look at them and imagine how this happened to your H at a similar age. I would , absolutely, kill anyone that did this to one of my kids, because I know just how much it F's you up.
Your H has probably told no one about this, as he feels it diminishes him and that he deserved it .
We spent a quiet Thanksgiving together, so I got him to open up a little bit more. I asked him that exact question .... "You never told anyone?" He said, "No." I again asked, "In all these years; not one single person?" He again said, "No." He, too, was an alter boy. He thinks about age 12 or 13.
We talked a lot about "us" as a whole, and I certainly have a lot of re-evaluating to do in regard to my marriage, my life, my decisions, etc. I would have to say that in all of my 39 years, I have never felt so lost, so lonely or so confused! I think this is clearly what happens when you get off of the right track and onto the wrong.
Tigger, I wasn't trying to accuse you of being cold at all, quite the opposite. I think Halien and Arnold put my thoughts to words much better than what I was trying to say. For whatever issues he has had to deal with in life, there is some fear of intimacy, which does not happen with the porn, and whish is why it is easier for him to have an outlet with that instead. His problem isn't about you it's him, he isn't giving himself permission to be sexual with you.
Thank you for clarifying. We clearly both have issues and both may need some help if we want to salvage this marriage.
well, at least you are talking about things. That is a good start. I could never trust my XW enough to broach this. She is NPD,and has zero empathy.
Once we were wathcing Law and Order and she was strongly advocating that a woman who had been serially raped and tortured and who then went along with her captors on a bank robbery(Classic Stockholm Syndrome ala Patty Hearst) ,sheoud go to jail for years.
My XW, unlike you, had no ability to empathize and zero introspection. If I told her something like that had happened to me. I would have been ridiculed.
But, you , and based on how you describe him, your husband, seem pretty evolved(undoubtedly because your are Catholic.
Tigger, I am so sorry you are in this position. I just recently learned, after 29 years of marriage, of my wife's childhood sexual abuse. You are going to go through a lot of emotions over the next months.
I was deeply saddened for my wife as a child that she suffered this evil. I am sad that she has suffered as an adult with the aftermath.
But there is so much more, too. You will probably see things in your marriage which were probably caused by the psychological side effects of his abuse. You will probably feel some anger at him for not revealing sooner. You will certainly feel a lot of anger towards his abuser. You will start to see your husband as a hurt child at times. You will have great compassion for him, yet at times great frustrations, too.
Know that you are not alone in what you are going through. A book I recommend is "Haunted Marriage", one of the only resources directed specifically at secondary survivors, which is what you are. Also, there is a forum for secondary survivors over at AfterSilence.org. You have to register before accessing it.
In terms of your EA, I can understand how you got to the point where it was acceptable for you to go down that path. Now that you have this missing piece of information you are going to see your actions in the marriage differently, too. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, unintentionally, which helped get my marriage into a crisis.
I suggest you two seek out some counseling. He should be seeing someone who specializes in sex abuse recovery. I think it would be helpful for you to see this counselor at least once in a while, too. A general marriage counselor may be helpful to both of you. It is a complicated situation. Different counselors will have different strengths and expertise, so you will have to find what fits for you.
I have decided to give my wife and my marriage a renewed commitment and to do whatever I can to rebuild our relationship. Had she not told me of her abuse this summer I would not be willing to this extent, nor as patient. I do not want to abandon my wife without doing what a loyal spouse and friend should in order to help her. But there is a limit for all of us, and you will have to find what it is for you. If your husband is working hard on his issues and you are seeing improvements in your relationship, you may feel eager to keep moving forward with him.
As part of this recovery process I think you should go no contact with this EA partner of yours. I have had all the same thoughts in terms of starting over as a single man, though I have not been in any type of affair, and I know in some ways it would be far easier to establish a 'normal' relationship with various women than trying to both rebuild a damaged marriage and go through my wife's recovery process with her. (Realistically it will be years not months of recovery for her). It is seductive to think of having an easy relaxed sexual relationship with a variety of other women!
In any relationship, I think it unwise to consider a choice of Person A vs Person B. Your marriage should be considered on it's own merits. It is good enough, or it is not. There is truthfully no way to know what a relationship with Person B will be like until you are deep into it for years.
But this abuse thing is not something to run from. We have long histories with our spouses, and they have revealed something to us which was very difficult to do. The reward of getting through this with them will be far more than the satisfaction to be found in the single life.
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Husband shared a dark secret 
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