I have been with my husband for 13 years(married 8). We have 3 children. I am very outspoken, he is not. He does not share his feelings AT ALL! He didnt start out this way...it just got worse as we got older. The last year has been bad. We went through different therapists but none of them were too helpful. They did agree when I told them I thought a separation would be good for us(maybe 2 weeks).Well, my husband would never do it. In July, we were trying to make things work. He told our therapist he was in for trying 100%! Even more than me. We were trying but him ignoring me at home got bad and I got really mad. I told him to go and he finally did. After a week of barely talking, I called him to see what we should do to move forward and he said he is done. I was heart broken, I still am. For weeks now, he keeps telling me he is not angry or anything but he is done. He says he wants me to be happy but does not feel at all that he wants to try again.Ever. Im so upset and confused. He doesn't talk to anyone. He tells is family he doesn't want to talk about it and they should leave it alone. Everyone around us is confused about how he is acting. He talks about going to get divorced now so that we can be done with everything. There is nobody else, he has told me and everyone. He just wants to be alone. The last week we didn't talk. It was good. But this weekend, we had to see each other because of kids activities. We talked normally yesterday but then today, he had to remind me that we are DONE. I think he is trying to hurt me because he blames me for everything. I don't think he takes any blame. He will not see a therapist because he does not think there is anything wrong with how he feels or his actions. You can see he is angry but just pushes it down. Over the last month, he has talked to me about our marriage, our problems, even happy times but he will not open up about how he really feels about it or why he is so done. It makes me feel awful to not matter to him anymore. What do you think is going on with him? Why is he so quick to divorce or why does he want to hurt me? I would love to hear from men about this! Stories, advice, anything! Please, no mean comments. Thank you!
I would also like to add that, for the past month until now, he will not talk about the future. He doesn't want to talk about the holidays. I had to make the schedule(which is very fair for both of us and the kids). We also never talked about seeing other people. I said this to him when we first separated because you are supposed to talk about things like this. He says he is seeing nobody and doesn't want to talk about me seeing other ppl(which I am not doing). I guess b.c he is "done" I should assume seeing/sleeping with other ppl is ok???
You say your husband didn't start out the way he is now...is it possible that you are so outspoken that you shouted him down at every turn so he learnt to keep quiet to keep the peace? Not saying you did - just asking the question.
You were the one who suggested a separation and told him to leave. He did. He realised he's happier on his own. That's the risk you took when you suggested it.
My husband learnt very early on in his first marriage not to rock the boat. His ex wife would bark orders at him and he complied, it simply wasn't worth the furore not to. She would constantly threaten divorce, until one day she did and he simply said "ok". She got the shock of her life and tried to retract it but he was done. She was out of his head and heart from that moment on.
I agree with asking the question John asked - how outspoken exactly are you? What does this mean ?
Also, you thought a separation would be good. Your idiot counsellors agreed. Your husband (correctly) didn't but in the end you asked him to leave. So he did what you told him but just permanently. I would have felt hurt at being asked to leave by you i.e. agreeing with your counsellors instead of your husband. He might have tried to work on it but you asked him to leave after he told you he did not agree with the counsellors and didn't want a separation.
So he gave you what he thought you wanted except permanently.
So this combined with just how outspoken you are should tell us more.
What's going on with him? He's indicating he's done. Plainly. He's not especially trying to hurt you. He's just calling it the way he sees it. You gave him a way out and he jumped at it. That may not happen too often but it does happen.
Start putting a plan together (if you haven't already) for your life going forward. That will help some with the uncertainty you're feeling. Of course, he could also change his mind at some point and come back but at least for now he's not interested. So you need to focus on you and your children and how to make this transition as easy as possible. It's tough, I know, but you can get through it.
Sorry, but I think once you got him to leave, he realized that he was happier alone.
The only thing I can think of is for you to ask him to write down exactly why he doesn't want to continue being with you. It's possible that it is something you could change.
Some men don't share their feelings or emotions, including my husband.
It may be that they are just brought up that way, my husband was raised not to discuss such things as feelings. But to have thoughts about obligations, work, sports, manly stuff etc
Your husband was trying to work with the therapy but it may be that he's just not sensitive enough or doesn't know what to tell you, what subjects/feelings did you want him to discuss?
He said that he's done now, but give him space and a while to cool off, maybe he will be back. But understand that you cannot except this type to just converse feelings, pick a particular time to chat with him about it, during a romantic time perhaps, check your tone of voice, is it positive or negative? If it feels like negative nagging to him, he might be less likely to talk to you.
His feelings just changed and he lost interest in you and the relationship.
It happens. The sooner you accept it's over the better off you'll be
Start planning on your exit strategy which includes sticking him for alimony.
I'm stuck with lifetime alimony maybe you can do as good as my ex did. If he wants out so bad give him an agreement to sign that says "pay me for life" and maybe he'll be stupid enough to do it like I was.
I am open and honest about what I need and want. When I noticed he was not showing me as much love and attention, I would say something. I would also ask about him and what was going on, what he needed but he would just shut down. His parents had a rough relationship when he was younger. His mother(who is not like me) had issues, while his dad would just cover them up and act like nothing happened. I would tell him he needs to be open and honest with me, that I wouldn't be like his parents.
I would also like to add that he may not have agreed with the therapist about separation but he constantly talks about doing things they told him to do that I dont agree with.
Also, he doesn't seem happy at all! He is working more than ever, I think to avoid thinking about us. He's not doing anything to make himself happy. Everyone says how angry he seems all the time.
But did you say something in a productive and effective way or were you ineffective?
His parents had a rough relationship when he was younger. His mother(who is not like me) had issues, while his dad would just cover them up and act like nothing happened.
I used to notice when my rather frigid wife would not show me love and affection and would say something, too. Sometimes something nice, sometimes - most of the time - something not so nice. But I got over it.
Took me a while to figure out she's not really capable of that. For many reasons. But showing I'm needy did not help either. Her reactions were not outspoken per se, but reading the tea leaves left no doubt.
She's usually outspoken. Think current GOP presidential candidate. Something goes wrong with life, as it does with most people not committed to an institution, and she goes ballistic, er, outspoken
Remember those "this call may be recorded for training purposes" thing? That's her.
He could be angry , because you told him to leave which would make me angry too. By doing that you ruined a chance to save your marriage, it also sounds like you hound him a lot about feelings men have feelings but they are not as emotional as women.
How do you know he is not happy now? has he told you this? just because he is working more does not make him an unhappy person.
You have ran him off on your own by nagging at him, you said you are outspoken by saying what you want and need. Was you yelling and cursing at him, have an attitude?
I think you should realize he has moved on, he is never going to feel he can make you happy and from the sounds of it he is right.
It also seems there is more to the story, what exactly doe she blame you for?
According to him, he does not blame me for anything. He also says he is not angry(but nobody would believe that). He still shuts down, even now when he says he is done. I mean, he can't hurt me much more than I am now. I was never mean when I told him what I wanted. It actually started off as me being concerned about us. We were spending as much time together and I wanted to fix it.
Sometimes when you try to change the dynamic of a relationship, even for good, you destabilize it. It is a risk you take.
The pursuit-distancing dance. This doesn't work well with an introverted personality. You pursued a resolution to the relationship problems and he distanced from you. Do you see that?
You attempted a massive **** test and lost. Ok. Any chance you can love him for who he is 'as-is'? Or do you only want him back as a different version of himself?
It may be too late. Sometimes, people really are just "done". It's not about hate or anger..... they are just done "trying".
And like someone else replied, when you destabilize the relationship you are taking a chance. Sometimes we advise people to do just that...but only if you are prepared for the consequences.
You asked him to leave. You think the counselors gave you good advice about that.
You think he didn't try hard enough.
My point is, HE has a perspective too. MAYBE he is tired of "trying". Usually, when someone leaves and says that they are done...they are done. You don't have to understand. You have to figure out what to do going forward. It wasn't working, you were both unhappy, and maybe that's what he is considering right now.
See an attorney. You need to understand the process. This doesn't have to be hateful, think about the kids. Do what is right for the kids.
It's hard to see right now....but he may have done you a HUGE favor. I know one the best things my ex did....is walk out. It sucked at first, and I didn't understand. And honestly I don't think I'll ever understand. But I don't care. My life has been a zillion percent better since he walked out. He may be doing the right thing. Some marriages SHOULD end.
Be strong. Show your kids a strong, level headed mother. Don't speak ill of their dad. Go through the divorce with the kids' in mind. Not kids as victims, but to make a tough process easier on them. Be fair. Start planning a future for yourself and the kids.
He is not angry. He wants to stay out of your marriage. He tells you he's done. See an attorney. I believe that your husband already checked out. It takes two to make a marriage work.
STOP CHASING HIM! It only initiates conflict. Did you read about the pursuer and the distancer? Let things calm. Go about your life and do not speak about the M unless he brings it up. Let him see a reason for him to return. A place where he can feel safe and comfortable enough to open up. A place where he could join you in repairing this M. Chasing him does not work. You may not be able to repair this M, but you can try. You can't change him, only he can do that.
Sounds good. Thank you for the advice! I have been trying to not have contact.During the week it works, its harder on the weekends. I will keep trying though! Thanks again!
JMV...prior to going to the therapist, let's say a year ago, had you and your husband causally had a talk where you asked each other if you were happy, in life in marriage in general? or put in another way when was the last time he mention how happy he was ?
We did! I initiated it. I was feeling a little unhappy and unfilled. I told him about my concerns. He didn't say much. He said he is happy with the kids. I asked him what would make him happier, for himself and for us...he said he didnt know. He says idk a lot. Maybe he didnt think he deserved 100% happiness but he did. He still does, and I would always have done what he wanted just to see him happy!
OMG yes! The therapists told him that he needs to be more open. One time in therapy, my husband cried and he turned away from me. She told him to look at me and share his feelings! He wouldnt...
I think he would say that I need to be more understading of his job. They call him a lot and he has to go in a lot when there are problems. Or ppl at work would just call and he would have to talk them through things. The last 2 years it has been getting crazy! They work him so much!! But I guess if he is ok with it, I should be too.
Kind of sounds like my old marriage. I felt stuck due to our 2 kids and a house, so I tried to make it work. But no matter how much money we threw at different therapists, I didn't love my wife. I couldn't force myself to like her again. I resented her for the way she would control me, yell at me, and just be a general unhappy overweight b*tch. We didn't have any kind of sex for the last 4.5 years of the 8 year marriage. I was sleep walking the last couple years, just miserable. Finally read No Mr Nice Guy and left her. Haven't been this happy in my 35 years. Some marriages just need to die and not be saved.
We were until it got really bad! He loved me when we were in therapy...I could tell. I would still do things to make him happy even when things were really bad...I would bring him food and coffee to work on days he had to work late...I would make his favorite dinners. He would always thank me too. We had true love, we just got lost somewhere. I always and still do want him to be happy.
More than once in this thread, you have indicated that he says he is fine, yet you insist that he is angry, that others, in your mind, think he is angry. It is clear that you and he are seeing something totally different. Have you considered that he is telling the truth about how he feels, and that you may be mistaken? You certainly didn't consider that he would actually leave when you suggested he do so, so there is evidence that you are seeing things very differently than your husband.
He says he is fine but gets mad at a lot...more than he did when he lived in the house. And if he's so fine, done with our marriage and only worried about the kids, then why doesnt he stick to our schedules? Why does he not answer when our son calls him even if he thinks its me? I dont call him anymore. Everything is text or our calendar app that I made him download. I try to distance myself but I am forced to contact him when he doesnt tell me about changes in the schedule 20 mins before. Why can't he stick to things?
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Related Threads
?
?
?
?
?
Talk About Marriage
4.9M posts
105.3K members
Since 2007
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!