I have posted in another forum here on this site about my marriage failing. During the coarse of that thread, I learned a great many things. I went from believing that I was at fault for the death of our marriage to finding out that my wife had been cheating.
Now, understanding that marriage and relationships are not a "cookie-cutter" thing, and understanding that each situation is different, I will give a bit of history and then tell the story, so here goes.
I married my wife almost 7 years ago. We were both madly in love. After over a year of dating, and then eventually cohabitation, I asked for her father's permission to marry me. He (A very deeply rooted European man) hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and told me that he gave his highest blessing. I proposed to my wife, and she accepted. We set the wedding date more than a year into the future, but later moved the date up and were married some nine months later.
One could describe our relationship as euphoric. Inevitably, however, we settled into "Life" and fell victim to the normalities of it. The dating slowly stopped, the romance and the fire-like passion faded away over time as we made a segueway into becoming a "normal" married couple. We still held hands and made sure to give kisses at appropriate times.
People we knew envied the relationship we shared. We remained individuals along the years. We were both able to go and do things away from the house without the other and without the other feeling jealous or threatened.
During these development years in our marriage, I began to feel that we were not allowed to have our marriage to ourselves. Her mother lived with us. She was a working and able-bodied but felt inclined to "Live off the land" so to speak. Her Brother, upon completing his military duties in Afghanistan moved into our home due to his divorce that took place while he was overseas, which is fine in and of itself, but he began to infiltrate himself as the household alpha role and tried to take command of everything in spite of the fact that he was only to be there long enough to secure his own accomodations elsewhere.
His stay stretched out to 6 months, during which time he spent thousands of dollars on his personal interests. he did not pay off his debts, he did not seek employment. He did nothing to better his situation. He went off and bought a motorcycle with his "war pay" ($5,000.00) and began taking rides out of town and bought many many accessories and extras to go with his bike. He would change the oil into my wife's good Tupperware and would leave it in the yard to spill over onto the lawn. He would help himself to my tools, and even began to go take things apart that I had done to re-build them to his specs. All of this while she was pregnant with our now three-year-old daughter.
When her father had transportation problems, I was volunteered to loan him my car since I am self employed and did not need to drive anywhere. This stretched out to months until I was able to get him a car of his own. The only way I was able to get my own car back (That was still financed at the time) was to "Trade" him something to get it back.
there were many more frustrations along the way, that in hindsight pushed me to go visit friends and to find things to do away from the home. This snowballed over the years. I was not allowed to talk to my wife about my frustrations. She would get defensive and shut me down, no matter how much sensitivity and caution I tried to approach with.
Fast forward to mid 2008. The economy has gone to pot, jobs are being lost east and west, and my business has taken a 40% hit. She became distant. We all but stopped talking. Then on October 17th, when I got home from doing a mobile DJ show for a wedding reception (side business), she pinned me onto the veranda when I got home and lambasted me with a bunch of accusations and a lot of finger-shaking about the state of our financial situation. She demanded that I go out immediately and seek employment, but that it had to be at night because I still have my business during the day, AND I provide care for our daughter in the home during that time.
I did as she asked. I looked for jobs. The only places to work in the rural community that we live in are positions that I am sorely overqualified for. Still, I went to every place on the map here and got nothing. "We are actually letting people go instead of taking on new workers" I was told. "You are overqualified for this position. We don't feel like you would stay with us once the economy improves" some said. and others were instantly turned off by my inflexible schedule.
Seeing that I was indeed making a complete effort, our relationship improved... To a point. Quickly, she would fall back into distant and cold mode... maybe to attempt to motivate me to go back out and try again... I took a road trip to market my business. All of my efforts were turning out to be unfruitful.
Moving along to December 17th... She informed me that some of the girls from the office had invited her to go out with them to a bar on New Years Eve, which she happily accepted. I was quickly informed that not only was I not invited, but that I would be at home taking care of the kids while she went out to party. Sge also said that she would not be home until the afternoon of the first... that she would be too intoxicated to come home, and that she would be spending the night at one of the girls' homes...
I was stunned that she would even desire to do something like that and not feel like it was wrong. I told her that this idea was flirting with disaster. A distressed attractive woman out with the girls (who later I found out were bashing me and telling her to get rid of me) in a bar on New Year's eve. "What do you really think is going to happen?" she demanded. So I told her what would happen...
the following day, I told her that there has to be something more wrong with our relationship than she has been letting on, and even though I was asking frequently, she would snap at me and say "Why does it always have to be about you?! I am just under a lot of stress..." that night, upon her coming home from work (Late again) I sat her down and told her that there was something more going on here, and that we had to get it all out in the open if we wanted our marriage to work.
She looked at me with the coldest and un-feeling eyes and said... "Well... I was going to wait until the new year because I didn't want to ruin your Christmas and your birthday but since you are forcing it out of me... I think it is time that we separate." She then invited me to take my belongings from our room and move them into the den and to sleep on the couch. (Office furniture... The den is the lobby of sorts for my home based business).
I asked her why and she told me "You are not the man I thought I was marrying. You misrepresented yourself (almost 7 years before) and I don't think I can ever have the feelings for you that I should have. I have been trying to love you for all of the years. I thought I could "learn" to love you, but now I know that I can't. I thought I would just accept things the way they are, but the reality is that I have never loved you like you have loved me and I don't think I ever will, so it is time for us to split and move on our own ways."
She offered several excuses and used those as my shortcomings... I am not a good housekeeper, I am distant, I am away from home too much, etc. etc. Now I am not saying that I was not all of the things she pointed out, but for 7 years, she allowed me to believe that she was happy with the way it was. Granted, I should have seen what I was doing and done something to change it... So I take responsibility and I am at fault... But not ENTIRELY at fault.
On the first of the year, after coming home with her from a new year's celebration (That I had to convince her to go to instead of the single's bar) I got this nagging feeling that there was an element missing that I didn't wuite know about. We got home, I put her to be, looked at her cell phone and long story short, I found out about... "HIM".
She confessed to me that she had been with him on the same day that she was late coming home and wanted to end our marriage. She had to work late that day to make up part of the three-hour luncheon-gone bad with him on that day. She believed to be in love with this man (who is old enough to be her father, and who himself is married)
Another long story short, we honestly talked and got everything out in the open. Knowing my wife and having known her through the years, and with her reactions on that day, I truly know with 100% certainty that this was a case of bad ... or should I more accurately say NO judgment. I know this because I did exactly the same thing to my first wife. and every single detail with hers was exacting.
She cried and told me that all of the men she had ever been with had cheated on her, and while she knew how badly it hurt her, she has now done it to the only man that had never done it to her.
So on to the point...
I have forgiven her. She has not forgiven herself. I have found her in hiding crying and sobbing. I know beyond doubt that she is truly sorry. She has offered me to check behind her every move. She lays her cell phone out on my dresser every night in case I want to look it over. She has given me freely her e-mail password information (even though I already had it). She has made every effort to be transparent and to let me see for myself without anger.
She is pregnant.
After having done the math over and over again, we have found that there is about an even chance that either one of us could be the father. If I am the father, then she is almost 1 1/2 months pregnant. If he is the father, then she is just over 2 weeks pregnant.
There is a major decision to be made here, and none of them would be easy and could cause harm.
First, the other man is a vendor who supplies her company with product, so it is reasonable to assume that at some point in the next 9 months, that he will see her. He will do the math and could become interested in being a part of the child's live, which he would have legal rights to do.
To have this man paraded in front of my family every other week for visitation would destroy my marriage and our family without question. The truth would be apparent to everyone and we could no longer hide the shame of the affair.
To have the child paraded through my daily life assuming that HE does NOT find out would be a daily reminder to both of us. We would again be generating another lie to allow the child to believe that I was his father. His entire life would be a lie. The guilt and shame would take it's toll because both of us are so beaten by guilt.
Adoption after delivery would not be solution because there are too many family members who will know that she is pregnant who would not forgive her for doing such a thing. Not to mention the feelings of that baby as he or she grows into adulthood and begins a search for his natural parents. (Being an adoptee, and I fully understand the feelings and emotions that go along with wanting to know the truth. It has weighed on me for more than 30 years.)
To terminate the pregnancy would have long-term emotional repercussions to my wife. She would undoubtedly harbor resentment towards me, because ultimately she would believe that she had made that decision for me.
It truly is not my decision. It is her body, and her right. She is confused and doesn't know which way to go on this. She has offered to terminate if we find out it is his child, but I know the emotional toll it would take. in any case, there is not an easy way out, and there will be hurt and pain by selecting any of the above mentioned paths.
It is truly a case of "We have to make a bad decision. Which bad decision do we make"
She truly listens to me. She believes that I am intelligent and compassionate. She sees that I am understanding. We are confused and scared. We are collectively seeking input. Has this happened to you? Someone you know? What were the results of the choice that was made?
Wow, I feel so sorry for you. Your story is hard to read, and I'm sad you've had to go through something like this. I will just get to the point of the pregnancy though, since that is the main thing you're wanting help with.
I will tell you my point of view, and please note, that this is just My point of view, and it doesn't have to be yours, I'm just here to advise. I personally would not abort a human life, for any reason. But having said that, I understand your dilema and your wife's. I wanted to say, there is a big difference between being only two weeks pregnant, and 6 weeks pregnant.
Are you not sure that it is yours, or his? That is a pretty big difference, I mean if she knows when her last period was, then it should be Very easy to figure out the approximate date of conception and therefore, whether it's yours. Let me give you a quick run-down of how easy it is to tell. But of course this depends on her knowing when the first day of her last period was. your period starts, that's called the beginning of a woman's cycle or Day 1. The bleeding lasts for 3-7 days, and about two weeks, (give or take, every girl is different) although this can range from day 9 to as far out as day 18.... Anyway, for most women it's about 2 weeks, the woman has been producing hormones to ripen an egg, it is then released about 2 weeks after the first day of her cycle, and has only about 12-24 hours to be ferltilized or else it will die. If it is fertilized, the egg implants about 6-12 days later, and a few days after that, the woman misses her period, if the egg is not fertilized, then she goes on to have her period, usually about 12-16 days after ovulation.
Anyway, all you have to do is look at a calendar, or better yet, if it's possible, can you go to her ob/gyn and get an ultrasound done? I had mine with my son at 7 weeks, to confirm the fetal heartbeat, and they can date a pregnancy , even that early, there is a margin of error by about 6 days either way, but it's pretty accurate.
Bottom line is, you'll have to see a doc, to be sure of when she got pregnant, if she doesn't know by counting from her last period. If you do find out it's yours, Great! If it is this other mans..... I would still love, it, care for it, cherish it. It's a person, a life, a child, and it is not this baby's fault, that it has been thrown into this situation.
Now, the other man, doesn't have any need to know when your wife got pregnant, it's clear she was sleeping with both of you at the time she got pregnant, so he wouldn't have any reason to doubt that it is yours. All your wife needs to do is tell this man that it is your child, and that you're both certain of this. If you indeed find out this child is his, then likely it will be much later in the pregnancy, and then you are faced with killing (i'm sorry but that is what abortion is, let's be frank) a perfectly formed beautiful child. And you would both have to live with that guilt. It is her decision, and yours too really. So I can't tell you what to do on that note, I can tell you what I would do though.
I happen to know that DNA doesn't affect your ability to love a child. I know this, because my husband and I have a son, and we used doner sperm to conceive him, because my husband is infertile. He couldn't love him any more if he tried, and it's never been an issue for us. He was so wanted. And this baby could be wanted too. You just have to look past how this will affect you and your wife, and be more concernced with this innocent life, that God gave you. As for the child, if he/she is loved and cherished, it won't make a bit of difference to him/her, who is the real father.... I hope this helps! Sorry you are having to go through this. Take care....
oh man, well, that does make it harder to tell when she got pregnant. I have a cousin with the same problem, and periods have always been irregular for her too. But either way, since there's a 50/50 chance it's yours, then you can base what you want to do on that. Those are pretty good odds. Not horrible anyway. I hope the ultrasound helps determine when she conceived. Anyway, good luck to you, I hope my post helped some. It's a tough situation to be in....
You and your wife have some tough decisions to make.
I will say this though, terminating a pregnancy is not necessarily a bad decision to make. It depends on your value system and your needs going forward, the both of you.
If you really cannot handle knowing the child could be another man's, it will eat at you and make life difficult for all concerned, including the child.
A personal note, my wife and I decided to terminate her first pregnancy when we were desperately poor early in our marriage. She was having health problems related to the pregnancy and we had no health insurance. it was a painful decision. Her very life was at risk.
However, we now have two children that are the lights of our lives.
It was the right thing for us given our situation, not taken lightly.
Wow what a situation, I am truly sorry. Ok first you need to find out:
1) Who's baby is it. Regardless if you stay with her, if its your baby you will obviously want to be there but just because its your baby does not mean you are done with this nor do you have to stay with her. But you need to know this in order to plan what is best for you and your children.
2) Do you still love her and have you truly forgiven her? Its not that easy.
3) Does she still love you or is she scared because she's pregnant?
The thing is what she did to you is a terrible thing. I know, I have been there. Minus the inlaws and the pregnancy, your story sounds a lot like mine. One thing that made me angry was he risked my life when he had sex with her, think about all the sexually transmitted, even fatal diseases. He didn't care about protection and therefore my life was at risk and I didn't make that choice. He had a V-sectomy so no risk there, but I have thought about if he got her pregnant, no way would I forgive. That would be the end of it.
That's just me, and you have to decide for yourself. But she told you she wasn't in love with you, so what changed? Did it?
I think you have thought through the options and terminating the pregnancy and adoption are out. So if it is his, you will have to accept the child as your own. I would suggest trying to adopt the child. After all this other man is married, him might be very willing to do that. If he does want to be in this child's life....I think it will be very difficult for you.
Anyway, get the ultrasound, determine if the baby is yours and go from there.
p.s. Depending on the state, the other man may have zero legal rights. In many states the law says that any child conceived during marriage is legally the husband's child. That means, even if it weren't you could be forced to pay support but that also means he has zero rights to that baby. Check on the laws in your state. I'm certainly not a lawyer...saw it on a talk show!
Being that I have been in her situation (not in this relationship, but in a previous one) i understand how stress, mixed with bad advice from miserable co-workers, mixed with job-related stress, mixed with financial problems, mixed with the constant reminding from her family that I should be doing more... blah blah blah...
I can so totally understand how it all escalates to a point where one's sense of reality get crushed out under the boot of their emotions.
Understanding that this is absolutely not the woman I knew; She has ALWAYS been a very "Black and White" person. that is to say that within her thought process, there was no grey area. Everything either IS or IS NOT. When we first started dating, she had been dating another guy. The first day I was at her apartment, he called. She asked me to answer the phone, so I did. It was a guy asking for her. I handed her the phone and made my exit from the room to give her privacy.
I heard her tell him very direct and "matter-of-fact" that the relationship with him is not going in the direction she had hoped for, and that it would be best if he has no further contact with her.
AFter that conversation, she explained to me that she knew that he was not what she was looking for in the long term, and that it was best for everyone if she doesn't give false hopes. She also let me know that we would not drag it out either if we didn't feel like it was going to go anywhere.
My wife is a very level-headed, goal seeking woman. She finds what she wants. At 32 years of age, she has worked her way up from an accounts receivable clerk to assistant to the VP of the company, having raised her pay from $9.00 per hour to $40,000.00 per year. All of this with only her built-in determination and intelligence... NO college credentials whatsoever.
So believe me when I tell you that first of all, she doesn't NEED me to survive. Second of all, she is very direct and makes sure there are no questions left behind, so for to have had an affair is extremely out of character for her.
When we talked about all of the troubles we have had which came to a head within the past 2 weeks, it is clear to me that this was totally unintentional, and that it had happened without her realizing that it had happened.
She is eaten alive with self-directed anger. She has willingly made herself totally transparent to me. She has told me that he has contacted her since she told him to leave her alone. She is very forthcoming with the truth and the details.
All of that said, for the first time in more than 6 years (Longer than we have been married) I can totally say that I am back in love with her. I have forgiven her and we have moved on very nicely. We are happier than I can ever remember. I believe that she was in a fog and fell victim to circumstance.
THE BABY... however...
I told her to think about it... This man is a vendor, supplying product to the company she works for. It is reasonable to assume that he WILL see her during the term of her pregnancy. Being a 50 year old man who is losing his own family for his actions (with yet a different woman), he will see her and do the math. He will figure it out and has the right to the truth legally.
If the truth is that it is his, he has legal grounds to visitation, and an open door to my home to rub our faces into the messes we have made.
I REFUSE to accept that man into my home, my life or my family. He will never be welcome to have his face on my family portrait. His presence would be a daily reminder of the marriage he almost destroyed, and I will simply not have it.
The other thing I have offered up for her to consider is that her family and friends will wonder who this guy is that comes to have visitation with her child. The shame she and I collectively would feel would be excruciating to say the least.
As I said... All options are bad choices. What it comes down to is which one is the "least bad", which will allow as much healing as possible.
While I am "Pro Life", I also understand that there are circumstances where it is acceptable to make the choice to cause minimal damage to one's own life and family at the expense of the unborn child. I also believe that there limits to that as well. Once it develops beyond a certain point, it is too late and morally wrong to terminate.
If there weren't so many innocent people who would become the biggest losers of all from this, I would feel differently. At this time, I feel that she chose poorly in her own interest, and now, instead of thinking of her own feelings, she needs to think of everyone else that she has caused great pains and heartache.
Of course, I am putting the cart a bit before the horse, but I had a whole lot rather expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised in the end than to have it the other way around.
You can judge me and call me a "murder" if you wish, but this would minimize the life-long damages to many innocent lives (children included).
I'm not sure from any of the posts, that anyone judged you, or called you a murderer. You asked for everyone's opinion, and you go it. was it not what you wanted to hear? Or are you just venting. That is where maturity comes in, being able to put aside your own feelings, and how this will affect you, or your wife, and think of a human life. And like everyone pointed out , you are way ahead or yourself, you don't even know that this baby is his... and if it is, you are mistaken in your assumption that he "automatically " has rights to this baby... Go see a lawyer if you need to , that might help settle that thought , so that you know for sure whether this guy can have any part of this child's life, if indeed it is his... But, there's still a very good chance that it's yours! Moog.. please dont' get upset, but it's almost as if you Want this to happen, an abortion... whether it's yours or not. You seem to pessimistic about it. What if it's your son or daugther in there that you're speaking of, as if it is just another human life that is expendable , in order to save your other family members feelings? I can tell you one thing, you other kids, will not be hurt by having a beautiful baby brought home, a sibling, and if it turns out to be this other mans... they don't have to know, unless you want them to. Unless of course, this other man is a different race, or ethnicity, to the point of making it obvious that the child is not yours.
But, really, all I , and everyone else here tried to do, was tell you what We would do in that situation. It sounds like you might be feeling guilty for thinking of terminating a child? I dont' know.. I am so glad you and your wife have worked things out. And maybe, if you could look at it from the unborns point of view? I am not a religious freak, or anti abortion bomber type,,, just telling you a different viewpoint. This is a child, with a soul, God gave you and your wife, this gift.. I know it doesn't seem that way, but God makes no mistakes. If you dont' believe in God, then that is your choice of course, and if you ultimately decide to terminate this pregnancy, or your wife does, then that is also your choice. Just always think hard about this, as once you do it, you can never go back, and the guilt will be there. I have girlfriends that have done this, and they tell me it is the worst decision they ever made. That is not to say, that everyone feels that way, as one of the above posters said it was right for him. I personally, don't see how doing this, could ever be construed as right, or okay... to me , it is heinous.. but that is just me. I personally feel like when people have sex, and then become pregnant, that it's a selfish attitude to take, to think of how this unborn child will affect or ruin the way of life they've become accustomed to. I don't personally know, how we ever got to a place, where we decided as a people, as humans, that this is okay.. but, the only thing I can gather is that it's a prevailing attitude today , especially in the U.S. that it's all about us.. we have a somewhat self serving, self indulgent outlook on life. And it's sad. Please know that I only tell you these things, because I wanted you to see all sides of so important an issue, not to make you feel badly. I am sorry I did not say above, what you were hoping to hear. Good luck with everything, and I will pray that this baby is yours. Take care...
First let me say, no judgements here. While I am like you "pro-life" I also know that this issue is not black or white. That is to say that there isn't a pro-life and "anti-life" stance. Everyone tries to make this issue black and white, and its not. I'm with you in that there are circumstances in which it could be the best choice. I would not think of you nor she as a murderer. But that does bring up an important point, you said she is black and white. Is she on this issue? If so, where does she stand and if she terminated her pregnancy would she feel guilty?
That issue aside, as I read your post I see a man fighting for his wife so you answered a question for me, do you still love her. Clearly you do. You took the time to tell a total stranger why you should give her a chance and basically defended her.
If you two approach this as you are in this together, you'll make it through. Sure no options lead you down the perfect path but you'll make it work.
As to this other guy, if I were in your shoes before he ever learned of her pregnancy (assuming its not yours, there is still a very good chance it is) I'd talk to an attorney. Get your ducks in a row, protect YOUR family. Whether blood or not, if you decide to stay with your wife and keep the baby, that baby is in your family but he doesn't need to be and certainly doesn't deserve an open door to destroy your marriage. As you said, this is not his only affair, I don't think he got in to this looking to have a baby, it may be the furthest thing he wanted. Maybe that could be putting the cart before the horse, what if he doesn't want the baby?
I do hope it all works out for you, just wanted to give you some different angles to think about things from. Through all of this too, I know your dealing with a heck of a lot of different emotions too, it must be tough. Its 4 months after the discovery for me, and today was one of the worst days I've had yet. Got in to a funk still haven't gotten out. No reason either, nothing set it off. You get days like that, its totally normal.
If the baby is not yours or you are not sure, In MY opinion, TERMINATION would be a MUST and here are 7 reasons:
Adoption is worse: I don't think your wife would ever get over it ( I know I wouldn't). I have never heard of any woman who got over giving away their kid...
The only bad side about termination is that a woman might not be able to get pregnant again but that shouldn't be a
problem with you since you already have a daughter together
The situation is embarrassing and it will even get worse if the other man gets involved
The kid will be a constant reminder of the affair
If the baby is the other guy's, you owe it to him (and the CHILD) to tell him and give him a chance to get involved with his child
Even if the other man chooses not to get involved, you owe it to the kid to tell him/her once grown who the biological father is and the kid might want to meet him and even establish a relationship with him which will cause more stress
You wife might not be sorry because she cheated, she might be sorry because she got caught and/or got pregnant. So how do u know it won't happen again and you would be forced to divorce and pay child support for a kid who's not yours? Wasn't it in the news yesterday about a man who got forced to continue paying child support for 16 year old twins who are not his after even proving it with a DNA test????!!!!
i'm giving you this advice as a pro-life, born and raised catholic, went to an all girl catholic nun-run boarding school and i do def beleive that abortion is a sin. However we all sin and i think your situation warrants termination. I think yourself are leaning towards termination. Don't be afraid to tell your wife that's what you think is the best option but also reassure her that you will support her if she decides otherwise... wish u best of luck
Oh boy, you are in a terrible situation. Much too complicated for me to advise you. But I will just throw out my feelings having read all the posts. Your wife treated you badly. She was insensitive to your feelings and blaming you for everything while she was lying to you and having an affair with a married man. Now she is full of guilt and remorse because she is pregnant. I don't think I would influence her decision whether to terminate the pregnancy or not. It is her body, she is the female. I feel she is the only one that can make that decision. Once she has made it, you have to decide how you can live with it. You have to wait and see how it all plays out.
The baby is yours. Can you forgive her and repair the damage this has done to your marriage?
The baby is HIS. She decides to keep the baby. Does she tell him? Since the guy is married he might be more than happy to not interfere in your life. Again, let her be the one to make this decision. She sure didn't ask for your input when she had sex with him.
I hurt for you. You have to be a wonderful person to keep loving her and stay with her. Your wife has some tough decisions to make. But it is the consequences of HER actions. You do what you have to do to have peace.