Wife pregnant by another man... Maybe...
I have posted in another forum here on this site about my marriage failing. During the coarse of that thread, I learned a great many things. I went from believing that I was at fault for the death of our marriage to finding out that my wife had been cheating.
Now, understanding that marriage and relationships are not a "cookie-cutter" thing, and understanding that each situation is different, I will give a bit of history and then tell the story, so here goes.
I married my wife almost 7 years ago. We were both madly in love. After over a year of dating, and then eventually cohabitation, I asked for her father's permission to marry me. He (A very deeply rooted European man) hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and told me that he gave his highest blessing. I proposed to my wife, and she accepted. We set the wedding date more than a year into the future, but later moved the date up and were married some nine months later.
One could describe our relationship as euphoric. Inevitably, however, we settled into "Life" and fell victim to the normalities of it. The dating slowly stopped, the romance and the fire-like passion faded away over time as we made a segueway into becoming a "normal" married couple. We still held hands and made sure to give kisses at appropriate times.
People we knew envied the relationship we shared. We remained individuals along the years. We were both able to go and do things away from the house without the other and without the other feeling jealous or threatened.
During these development years in our marriage, I began to feel that we were not allowed to have our marriage to ourselves. Her mother lived with us. She was a working and able-bodied but felt inclined to "Live off the land" so to speak. Her Brother, upon completing his military duties in Afghanistan moved into our home due to his divorce that took place while he was overseas, which is fine in and of itself, but he began to infiltrate himself as the household alpha role and tried to take command of everything in spite of the fact that he was only to be there long enough to secure his own accomodations elsewhere.
His stay stretched out to 6 months, during which time he spent thousands of dollars on his personal interests. he did not pay off his debts, he did not seek employment. He did nothing to better his situation. He went off and bought a motorcycle with his "war pay" ($5,000.00) and began taking rides out of town and bought many many accessories and extras to go with his bike. He would change the oil into my wife's good Tupperware and would leave it in the yard to spill over onto the lawn. He would help himself to my tools, and even began to go take things apart that I had done to re-build them to his specs. All of this while she was pregnant with our now three-year-old daughter.
When her father had transportation problems, I was volunteered to loan him my car since I am self employed and did not need to drive anywhere. This stretched out to months until I was able to get him a car of his own. The only way I was able to get my own car back (That was still financed at the time) was to "Trade" him something to get it back.
there were many more frustrations along the way, that in hindsight pushed me to go visit friends and to find things to do away from the home. This snowballed over the years. I was not allowed to talk to my wife about my frustrations. She would get defensive and shut me down, no matter how much sensitivity and caution I tried to approach with.
Fast forward to mid 2008. The economy has gone to pot, jobs are being lost east and west, and my business has taken a 40% hit. She became distant. We all but stopped talking. Then on October 17th, when I got home from doing a mobile DJ show for a wedding reception (side business), she pinned me onto the veranda when I got home and lambasted me with a bunch of accusations and a lot of finger-shaking about the state of our financial situation. She demanded that I go out immediately and seek employment, but that it had to be at night because I still have my business during the day, AND I provide care for our daughter in the home during that time.
I did as she asked. I looked for jobs. The only places to work in the rural community that we live in are positions that I am sorely overqualified for. Still, I went to every place on the map here and got nothing. "We are actually letting people go instead of taking on new workers" I was told. "You are overqualified for this position. We don't feel like you would stay with us once the economy improves" some said. and others were instantly turned off by my inflexible schedule.
Seeing that I was indeed making a complete effort, our relationship improved... To a point. Quickly, she would fall back into distant and cold mode... maybe to attempt to motivate me to go back out and try again... I took a road trip to market my business. All of my efforts were turning out to be unfruitful.
Moving along to December 17th... She informed me that some of the girls from the office had invited her to go out with them to a bar on New Years Eve, which she happily accepted. I was quickly informed that not only was I not invited, but that I would be at home taking care of the kids while she went out to party. Sge also said that she would not be home until the afternoon of the first... that she would be too intoxicated to come home, and that she would be spending the night at one of the girls' homes...
I was stunned that she would even desire to do something like that and not feel like it was wrong. I told her that this idea was flirting with disaster. A distressed attractive woman out with the girls (who later I found out were bashing me and telling her to get rid of me) in a bar on New Year's eve. "What do you really think is going to happen?" she demanded. So I told her what would happen...
the following day, I told her that there has to be something more wrong with our relationship than she has been letting on, and even though I was asking frequently, she would snap at me and say "Why does it always have to be about you?! I am just under a lot of stress..." that night, upon her coming home from work (Late again) I sat her down and told her that there was something more going on here, and that we had to get it all out in the open if we wanted our marriage to work.
She looked at me with the coldest and un-feeling eyes and said... "Well... I was going to wait until the new year because I didn't want to ruin your Christmas and your birthday but since you are forcing it out of me... I think it is time that we separate." She then invited me to take my belongings from our room and move them into the den and to sleep on the couch. (Office furniture... The den is the lobby of sorts for my home based business).
I asked her why and she told me "You are not the man I thought I was marrying. You misrepresented yourself (almost 7 years before) and I don't think I can ever have the feelings for you that I should have. I have been trying to love you for all of the years. I thought I could "learn" to love you, but now I know that I can't. I thought I would just accept things the way they are, but the reality is that I have never loved you like you have loved me and I don't think I ever will, so it is time for us to split and move on our own ways."
She offered several excuses and used those as my shortcomings... I am not a good housekeeper, I am distant, I am away from home too much, etc. etc. Now I am not saying that I was not all of the things she pointed out, but for 7 years, she allowed me to believe that she was happy with the way it was. Granted, I should have seen what I was doing and done something to change it... So I take responsibility and I am at fault... But not ENTIRELY at fault.
On the first of the year, after coming home with her from a new year's celebration (That I had to convince her to go to instead of the single's bar) I got this nagging feeling that there was an element missing that I didn't wuite know about. We got home, I put her to be, looked at her cell phone and long story short, I found out about... "HIM".
She confessed to me that she had been with him on the same day that she was late coming home and wanted to end our marriage. She had to work late that day to make up part of the three-hour luncheon-gone bad with him on that day. She believed to be in love with this man (who is old enough to be her father, and who himself is married)
Another long story short, we honestly talked and got everything out in the open. Knowing my wife and having known her through the years, and with her reactions on that day, I truly know with 100% certainty that this was a case of bad ... or should I more accurately say NO judgment. I know this because I did exactly the same thing to my first wife. and every single detail with hers was exacting.
She cried and told me that all of the men she had ever been with had cheated on her, and while she knew how badly it hurt her, she has now done it to the only man that had never done it to her.
So on to the point...
I have forgiven her. She has not forgiven herself. I have found her in hiding crying and sobbing. I know beyond doubt that she is truly sorry. She has offered me to check behind her every move. She lays her cell phone out on my dresser every night in case I want to look it over. She has given me freely her e-mail password information (even though I already had it). She has made every effort to be transparent and to let me see for myself without anger.
She is pregnant.
After having done the math over and over again, we have found that there is about an even chance that either one of us could be the father. If I am the father, then she is almost 1 1/2 months pregnant. If he is the father, then she is just over 2 weeks pregnant.
There is a major decision to be made here, and none of them would be easy and could cause harm.
First, the other man is a vendor who supplies her company with product, so it is reasonable to assume that at some point in the next 9 months, that he will see her. He will do the math and could become interested in being a part of the child's live, which he would have legal rights to do.
To have this man paraded in front of my family every other week for visitation would destroy my marriage and our family without question. The truth would be apparent to everyone and we could no longer hide the shame of the affair.
To have the child paraded through my daily life assuming that HE does NOT find out would be a daily reminder to both of us. We would again be generating another lie to allow the child to believe that I was his father. His entire life would be a lie. The guilt and shame would take it's toll because both of us are so beaten by guilt.
Adoption after delivery would not be solution because there are too many family members who will know that she is pregnant who would not forgive her for doing such a thing. Not to mention the feelings of that baby as he or she grows into adulthood and begins a search for his natural parents. (Being an adoptee, and I fully understand the feelings and emotions that go along with wanting to know the truth. It has weighed on me for more than 30 years.)
To terminate the pregnancy would have long-term emotional repercussions to my wife. She would undoubtedly harbor resentment towards me, because ultimately she would believe that she had made that decision for me.
It truly is not my decision. It is her body, and her right. She is confused and doesn't know which way to go on this. She has offered to terminate if we find out it is his child, but I know the emotional toll it would take. in any case, there is not an easy way out, and there will be hurt and pain by selecting any of the above mentioned paths.
It is truly a case of "We have to make a bad decision. Which bad decision do we make"
She truly listens to me. She believes that I am intelligent and compassionate. She sees that I am understanding. We are confused and scared. We are collectively seeking input. Has this happened to you? Someone you know? What were the results of the choice that was made?