General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am divorced, about a year and a half, my ex wife is re-married to an ex-boyfriend, so that's how my marriage ended. So I had a couple of rebounds after that, and then I met someone special. She seemed different, she's younger than me, 28 and I'm 40, but the age difference never was an issue. My ex-wife was 38 and probably about 10 years less mature than my girlfriend. So before we even started dating, I asked her about her ex. I said is there any chance that he would want you back if we start dating, because I've been down that road before. She always answered me with things like "there's nothing he could say or do to get me back", so of course I'm going to believe her. We have only been dating since Oct 21st, about a month, but in that time we really became close. I had met her kids, and they just loved me. When we were at her friends Halloween party, she was beaming, because her oldest daughter would run and jump into my lap. She said even her dad doesn't do that. We were even telling each other the "Love" word.
She is extremely busy, she has 2 jobs, and so do I. Plus I have school, and then she has 2 kids, but with all of that going on, we still found time to see each other. Even on Thanksgiving, she text me to drive safe, and that she loved me. So on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, she re-friends her ex on Facebook. He starts posting comments, and then he sends me a friends request... I'm like wow, and she says nothing about this. So on Saturday, we haven't seen each other for 8 days, so I ask if I can come to her work and have dinner with her on break. She shows up 15 minutes late, and I understand that, she works at a nail shop and you can't just leave a customer. Anyway, she's cold and distant. She tells me things like she needs to work a lot to get some things taken care of, and that me asking to see her all the time puts pressure on her. She doesn't have enough time to do anything, and that with winter she doesn't like to go out much. We live in Minnesota, the winters here are ummm, well LONG. She basically says I don't like making plans, and will see you when I see you... I'm floored by this, it's like someone else speaking. She says she's really stressed out right now? Stressed as in trying to decide if she should go back to her ex or stay with me? I even give her an out, I said do you just not want to see me anymore? Thinking she doesn't even know how to break up with me. She says no, it's not like that, she needs time, and we should slow down. I looked at her ex's wall, and they have re-friended each other on Facebook 6x since April, so it's not like that's a new thing. I just think that she has gone back to him so many times, because he has this power over her. Whenever she's happy, he steps in and tries to get her back. Until she comes back, and then whoever she was with is gone. Just my theory, but I could be wrong. I obviously care about this woman a lot, we discussed a lot of things, like she would have another kid with whoever she marries. It's not like we set a date or were looking at rings in a months time, but the discussions happened. So for me, should I just get out now while it's easier? I had to let go of my wife, one of the hardest things I had to do in my life, and yes, this would hurt a lot, but I know I've been through worse. I just don't want to be in a love Tri-angle, I've been there and I'd rather send her back to her ex with my blessings, than to sit at home and wonder. I don't want her to have to make a choice, I'd rather take myself out the equation, if she is sitting at home trying to decide. Should I do that and move on?
You should move on. She's still serious hung up with her ex and isn't willing to leave that behind. Until she does you'll always be a third wheel in their relationship.
Tell her just that, and let go. It's her drama, you can't affect the outcome, but you can save yourself getting involved and caught up in it.
This is way too much drama for only one month of dating. You're moving way too fast. Discussing rings and kids? Her ex is very much in the picture. Move on and recognize something unhealthy when you see it. And cut if off. Posted via Mobile Device
Anyway, she's cold and distant. She tells me things like she needs to work a lot to get some things taken care of, and that me asking to see her all the time puts pressure on her. She doesn't have enough time to do anything, and that with winter she doesn't like to go out much. We live in Minnesota, the winters here are ummm, well LONG. She basically says I don't like making plans, and will see you when I see you... I'm floored by this, it's like someone else speaking. She says she's really stressed out right now? Stressed as in trying to decide if she should go back to her ex or stay with me? I even give her an out, I said do you just not want to see me anymore? Thinking she doesn't even know how to break up with me. She says no, it's not like that, she needs time, and we should slow down.
Being friends with an ex isn't always a big deal, but it sounds like she's the dramatic type with the de-friending & friending of the ex 6 times. It generally seems that people who delete and re-add 'friends' obsessively on facebook are the type of people who look for drama.
It sucks now that she's giving you the cold shoulder, but you're probably better off, especially considering your past bad luck with your ex and her ex.
Thanks, that's what I thought, but with my marriage it was so hard to see, I was just blinded. I don't want to ever be like that again, and it just felt like my marriage all over again. That alone should of warned me. I had been single for a year, and in control of my emotions and just feeling good about myself. You're right, its her drama, and when the wheels come off again in a few months I can be long gone and well on with my life.
The thing that I don't understand, is that I gave her the easy out, I flat out said do you just not want to see me anymore. Thinking she would say yes, but she said no. It couldn't of been an easier for her to say yes if that's what she was feeling. She's only known me for a month, it's not like it's that difficult to end it properly. Yet she couldn't even do that, so I have to decide. Well yeah, if you're not going to see me, that's a pretty easy choice to make, since I don't have to make it. Why leave me hanging like that, when she know's her ex is the sole reason? That's the part that just bothers me.
she's leaving you hanging cos she wants you to be around just in case things don't work out with the ex. if she took the out that you gave her, then things would have ended, completely. at least in this way, she has you hanging around just in case. she' selfish.
You need to break it off with her...now. She only leaves you hanging because you are her back up plan in case she can't work it out with her ex. Even if you stay and she chooses you, somewhere in the future she will do this again and it will be a lot more painful for you.
The thing that I don't understand, is that I gave her the easy out, I flat out said do you just not want to see me anymore. Thinking she would say yes, but she said no. It couldn't of been an easier for her to say yes if that's what she was feeling. She's only known me for a month, it's not like it's that difficult to end it properly. Yet she couldn't even do that, so I have to decide. Well yeah, if you're not going to see me, that's a pretty easy choice to make, since I don't have to make it. Why leave me hanging like that, when she know's her ex is the sole reason? That's the part that just bothers me.
Bliss & Sci are right on the money.
You are her Plan B, her back up choice, her "ice cream" to eat along with her cake.
She wanted to let you down easy, but she also wants to ensure you'll be around if things don't work out with the pseudo-ex. So she threw you a bone and you took it. Check it out: people are either all in or they aren't. And she's not.
My bet is she is definitely not completely over her ex. Which means she can't be presentin any relationship at this time. Also, she doesn't sound emotionally mature if she can't be real with you.
There are 7 billion people on the planet. She's just 1 person. Keep on trekkin. You will meet someone.
Yes, I see that I'm plan B, but why would you start something with me, when you're not over your ex? I mean I get they have kids together, but the guy has 2 kids with another woman, so he's kind of busy I would imagine. He left her multiple times, for the other woman, so she's been down that road. She knows where the road ends, but yet he has that power over her. I'm nothing like him, I actually care about people. I guess I'll never understand that, I was willing to accept her, and her kids as my own. I guess nice guys do finish last. Oh well, I know there are a lot of other people out there, it just sucks to put the time and effort in, only to watch it all evaporate in a day. I did find out that I'm ready to love again, after my divorce. I wasn't sure if I was ready for a serious relationship, but I know that I am after this one. Maybe this was just a test for me...
Sorry, but if you want a real relationship and not just a f*ck buddy, then with just ONE MONTH of dating and she lays this crap on you, then GTFO NOW before you get seriously hurt.
You are that guy in a glass case "Break Here for Emergency".
I can't believe she actually introduced you to her kids with her screwed up self. She should be ashamed of herself. Poor kids.
Hey, just a quick update. So tonight, after 3 days of nothing I text her and of course no response. Then about 5 minutes later, her status update shows she now "married" to her ex. I'm like well thanks for at least telling me on Saturday night this was coming, not that I was shocked by this. Well more of the way she did it, not even being straight up with me in person, but we all know the reasons. So yeah, everyone was right on the head with that call. Thanks guys. It's funny, because she hasn't unfriended me on fb yet, and that just proves everyone's theory even more, I'm her plan B. I mean wouldn't that be about the first or second thing you would do, is remove the guy you were with? I guess some people enjoy those sick love tri-angles, but no thanks. I did text her a nice message though, just stating the facts. This what I said:
I guess I don't know why you couldn't of told me you were going back to Tom on Saturday, I gave you the out. It would of been easier for me to hear it from you, and I'm happy for you Emily. I told you before we even saw each other, that if he ever wanted you back, i can't stand in the way. I hope it works out for you guys. Just know that I did love you Emily, Nika, and Trina. I would of done anything for you guys. Even though we only had a short time together, I'll never forget you and what we shared. I'm really going to miss you Em...
Take care hun, give them all one last hug from me...
No response, and I don't expect one either, because what I said comes from my heart, and you have to have one to respond to something like that.
Thanks again for the great advice everyone, I love this site.
You need to read up on relationships. No one can "love" someone after a month--you haven't learned enough about each other. What you are experiencing then is the infatuation stage, which can last as long as 18 months, but--as you have seen--can be much shorter. You need to see someone go through a lot of life's experiences, to see how they handle things, before you know it is "love." I'm sorry this happened to you, but it will keep happening if you don't learn more about relationships. Anyone who says they are "in love" after so short of time is really "in love" with the relationship, with being special to someone; they are not "in love" with the other person. Good luck.
Your message to her is that you are fine being Plan B. If her marriage fails she will come running to you for support. She will know she can count on you.
The problem is that she will know that she can also screw around on you. My suggestion is to not take her back should she come back.
Take it much slower in your next relationship. Make sure your next girlfriend knows you have boundaries. Posted via Mobile Device
What should I do? 
