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husband asked to buy lingerie....by another woman

9K views 94 replies 21 participants last post by  Loveontherocks 
#1 · (Edited)
Heya everyone,

Just wanted run this by you and get some of your opinions on it...

My husband works away for 2 weeks at a time and 2 weeks at home whilst away he and his colleagues live at sea, his colleagues are predominantly male with the exceptionn of a few of the cleaning staff who are female.

My husband was in the canteen one afternoon and one of the cleaners came in to make tea and they got talking, just general chit chat but when my husband told her he was going home in a few days and she asked him would he do her a favour, as he was travelling back to the uk/Ireland she asked could he go to a lingerie shop we have here which isn't available in her country. She then went on to say what she needed and so on (lingerie) and asked would my husband mind getting it for her when he was home, to which he replied he would have to ask his wife first.

When he told me I was stunned but part of me was angry at him for not telling her no there and then, he was married and would never go into a lingerie shop for another woman.

We got into a bit of a row and after I thought about it I felt she was coming on to him, I mean why else would a woman ask that and then talk about lingerie with someone else's husband?

So I asked him to report it as it was very unprofessional and it made me very uneasy and I would need to make sure it didn't happen again, he refused, saying he didn't want to get her into trouble which I can understand but I have trust issues with him as he cheated once in the past, so I feel he should really be doing whatever it takes to put my mind and ease as I was crying and distraught. If that means getting someone into trouble so be it, I feel my feelings should come first and he should understand that because of his past.

Anyways he refused and we didn't speak for several days and then he got in contact and apologised, told me would report it and that was the subject closed. He came home and it wasn't mentioned and I just knew it wasn't reported it because if he had he would of told me how it went.

So after he's home around a week I ask him and he tells me he did report it but I know he's lying, I ask what her name is and he says he doesn't know, which I don't believe as she felt comfortable enough to ask him to bring her some lingerie back, How can you not be on first name terms with someone if you are comfortable enough to ask that, and especially as they are all sharing living quarters. He then admits he didn't report it but still Insists he doesn't know her name.

I am furious because he's lying to me and I have trust issues with him already. The lingerie chain in question delivers to her country for a mere £4.99, so not exactly expensive.

Part of me thinks well he told me, so there must not be anything to hide but part of me is very uncomfortable with this.

Can anyone give me some insight into you make of this situation.

P.s thank you for reading.
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#3 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

You are not wrong. He has poor boundaries and paltry common sense.

He cheated before? And did not learn from that "mistake"? Naw...stay PO'd.

He is a dumb azz. Seriously, not a clever man. Chew on this one. Really think long on whether this relationship is viable.

I hope he has a whole lot of wonderful qualities to offset his weak fog lights.
 
#4 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

Which country is she from? Just because the company will ship there doesn't mean the government will allow the package to reach its destination. Some countries are VERY anti- Western style lingerie. She might have asked your H because his is married and therefore seen as safe.
 
#9 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

@MJJEAN she's from Germany so there's no restriction on on lingerie. She's not married, and maybe she did see him as a safe option but I am uncomfortable with it.
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Yup, nope. Germany was definitely NOT one of the countries that is known for confiscating lingerie. I'd be suspicious and pissed off, too.
 
#8 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

Thanks @MrsAldi even if she couldn't purchase them online i would still be angry because it was sexy lingerie, lol I don't know, it's just super crazy.

But am I right to be cross with my husband? That's what's getting me, he told me about it which is a good thing but I'm still confused.
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#48 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

Thanks @MrsAldi even if she couldn't purchase them online i would still be angry because it was sexy lingerie, lol I don't know, it's just super crazy.

But am I right to be cross with my husband? That's what's getting me, he told me about it which is a good thing but I'm still confused.
I agree that the woman asking him to get her lingerie is most likely a come-on. She can order it.

But he told you. If you want him to be honest, you have to make it safe for him to be honest. What you have taught him is that he had better not tell you anything because you will attack him for his honesty.

If you want your husband to be honest, you have to handle it better.

He told her that he would have to ask you. That put her in her place and showed you respect. He told you, that showed you more respect.

And what did you do? You went after him with anger.

You made demands that he probably is not comfortable doing and I can see why. A ship is a very closed environment. If he reports her, it will most likely make his work environment very uncomfortable.

I get that you are upset. It has to be hard having him gone for weeks at a time with you not having any insight into what's going on with him. He could be doing anything he wants and you would probably never find out.

Can he get any work that does not take him away for weeks at a time? That might help with your anxiety about not being able to trust him.

You need to find a way to back off on your anger and demands that he jump through hoops to prove to you that he loves you and/or is not cheating. You have to make it safe for him to be open with you.

He did the right thing in telling her that he would ask you. you need to accept that he did that.

My advice is to back off on your need for him to destroy her by reporting her. Sure if she gets more pushy, fine, he should report her. But you want him to feel safe in telling you if she, or anyone else, pulls this nonsense.
 
#12 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

@Loveontherocks
If she's from Germany and not married, I wonder her motives.
I mean you'd ask a female friend to do it.

Would your husband run down to Penney's say and have no trouble buying undies for you?
Cos mine runs out of the knickers' section faster than the priests in Father Ted!
So if he did it for a female colleague, yeah I'd be mad.

My sex therapist is from Germany, I thought they were more liberal than us. (Sex shops etc)
I'll ask her next appointment.


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#14 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

@MrsAldi exactly my views on it.

I wouldn't dream of asking a random guy at work that and then going on to describe the lingerie. Seems very out there.

Yeah, they are much more laid back which makes it all the more strange.

But I'm mad at him for lying over her name and saying he reported it. I hate being lied to.
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#16 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

@MrsAldi exactly my views on it.

I wouldn't dream of asking a random guy at work that and then going on to describe the lingerie. Seems very out there.

Yeah, they are much more laid back which makes it all the more strange.

But I'm mad at him for lying over her name and saying he reported it. I hate being lied to.
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I'd be very suspicious they're involved somehow and he was trying to find a way to buy her lingerie without you getting catching on.
 
#15 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

I mean, I get it. I'm awesome at the internet but I can see how some people could be really bad at it.

It's just such a strange thing, either way. I mean, I know I have had said really stupid things to come on to women in my younger days but 'buy me some lingerie'? That's a new one.

edit: yea. I think its a bunch of malarkey that he can't remember her name- that could set off a big alarm. The 'reporting it' issue is a little different though.
 
#17 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

@toblerone 😂😂 exactly, like hey man, how's your day been....fancy buying me some basques and suspenders lol

It's a weird one. Yeah I get he didn't want for her to get into trouble and perhaps if he didn't have a past I wouldn't either but because there is trust issues there I feel he should do whatever it takes to make me trust him. I mean he owes her nothing, he owes me a lot.

Maybe if there was no past I could laugh it off.
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#21 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

@MJJEAN that thought has crossed my mind so many times. I try to block it out and put it down to paranoia but what if that is the reason.
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He was going to buy her the lingerie. He lied about her name and didn't report her. He has a history of infidelity. There is no such thing as paranoid. And I say that as someone who was once a WW and a BW.
 
#20 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

Yea. I thought about that after I posted and didn't want to edit again and make things even more incomprehensible.

For the relationships I've been in: who cares if I didn't report someone hitting on me? But I've never gone through what you have.

So, from that standpoint, it is difficult for me to understand.

But from my standpoint, to maybe help you see how people at his work might think: he might get chirped if he reports to management some sort of sexual harassment for the crime of asking to buy lingerie.
@MJJEAN, half the fun is finding out for yourself :eek:
or, alternatively: maybe that's why the German chick can't find any of this stuff. She's using the wrong words!
 
#27 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

How can he report someone if he doesn't know her name? That makes no sense. Obviously he is lying to you.

Him telling you before he does it means nothing as far as trust. He could be telling you as a cover, so you won't saying anything about it.

His reasoning for her asking him to purchase it doesn't make sense. She has access to the exact same thing without asking him.

Something is definitely fishy here. Trust your gut.
 
#30 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

Perhaps I'm missing something, but if he was going to cheat why wouldn't he just, well, cheat?

Why come up with such an elaborate tale to begin with? Surely he isn't that much of a thicky?
 
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#34 ·
Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman

Why come up with such an elaborate tale to begin with? Surely he isn't that much of a thicky?
Don't know, Irish men play the fool, underneath they are playing it cool.
I should know, I'm married to one!
But I can read him better than a polygraph test!



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