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Wife texting other guy

10K views 80 replies 38 participants last post by  TheTruthHurts 
#1 ·
Hello everyone...looking for someone to talk to,some advice I guess,Been married 25 yrs now(I am now 50 she is 53),
I used to work for a major retailer as a store manager(however had to give that up due to 3 back surgeries)>So now I stay home make sure house is clean,I cook,do all the housework make sure my wife is taken care of.However that's where it ends,she has been very grouchy,moody,smokes like a chimney and talks on the phone constantly,she is a director of nursing (so she claims its all business).Today however had a huge kick in the nuts,her phone rang I didn't recognize the name (so yea I looked at her phone)this person left a text.Well when I started to read the history it was like a kick in the groin.There has been back and forth for about 5 months now(he texts her. she calls him a lot of sweet talk).I confronted her immediately and got a its not what you think yea I was born at night not last night),Called the guy claims theyre just friends ,Hes married so I asked him if he would like me texting his wife and other profanities).
I feel so betrayed its not possible to put into words,oh by the way she works 6 days a week and barely says two words to me,yet has time to talk to this clown.
Here is my dilemma,I have zero savings not much family support,and have 5 dogs which are my world,and live in constant pain.
We are also in the middle of home renovations .my credit has gone to crap so we could fix hers and the house.
If I leave where can I go with 5 dogs and no credit(I also suffer from severe depression so They are my constant companions,no friends either,my brother will take me in but they have 2 dogs of their own..and I don't want to feel like a burden on anyone.
I will be filing bankruptcy next month so I pretty much have to stay put(I figure I can live on the second floor but its just so hard,I feel like my world has been shattered under my feet.
Sorry for rambling and not making much sense but I just need to put this out there,,,having to start life over at 50 with zero support is hard..thanks for listening:crying:
 
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#2 ·
So sorry Robert, but maybe you need to start doing something about yourself. Sounds like you are not working, no finances of your own, suffer from depression, etc so what are bringing to the marriage? People often let themselves go and expect the spouse to be ok with it.
However, that is no excuse for what she is doing:

1. contact a lawyer, see your options
2. do the 180 on her
3. tell your friends and family and expose her
4. tell om wife what is happening, she needs to know
5. start working on yourself, therapy, gym, etc
 
#3 ·
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I agree that what your wife is doing is inappropriate.

I have to also ask the question - what are you bringing to the marriage? How much fun are you to live with? Living with someone with depression will suck the life out of you...it's not easy, especially on top of working full time.

What are you doing to manage this? Are you on medication? In therapy? You are not responsible for your condition, but you are responsible for what you do about it.

I agree with the above poster - expose, expose, expose.
 
#4 ·
Here's some tough love advise.

More than likely there is going to be a dramatic change in your life, your wife is obviously unhappy being married to you and is seeking love outside of the marriage. It sounds like she has a great amount of resentment toward you, and that's a difficult thing to fix.

Regardless of if you stay married or not you are going to need to make changes to yourself and your life. Stop making excuses of why you can't and find ways you can. There is a job for nearly everyone regardless of disabilities, research what you can do and get the training necessary to work. Get yourself treated and fit mentally and physically. You wont like this one but you should probably thin down the dog pack, five dogs in a home is at least three too many (IMO). Have some frank conversations with your wife, find out what your role is in your deteriorating marriage, maybe there will be some things you recognize as being fixable. Ask her if she will go to some marriage counseling.

It doesn't sound like you are proactively managing your life, you are living reactively and struggling at that. Work at fixing yourself and fixing the marriage, but also plan for the failure of your marriage and the need to be independent and self supporting.
 
#6 ·
Look at the reasons your wife is no longer attracted to you, and why she's seeking out love and affection from someone else, and then look at what you're doing about it.

You're depressed- face it no one wants to be around a person who is a perpetual downer, it's just well, depressing! What are you doing about the depression? Do you medicate, get counseling, exercise? Those are the big three known and proven fixes.

You're in pain all the time which obviously doesn't help the mood and probably makes you grumpy and irritable. Do you again, exercise, stretch to the point where it hurts ( it has to, inorder to be effective), or at least take long fast walks to get the heart rate going?

Be honest, it's anonymous here. Why cant you work? I get it, you had back surgeries. So have I and so have about 20% of the population, many of which still work. You can cook and clean the house, you can do SOMETHING to earn an income.

You're having home renovations done, probably by someone else at considerable cost. There's always things you can do yourself such as painting which would be good for you because it gets you moving. Have you attempted or considered doing any of those less skilled tasks?

Like another poster said, what are you bringing to the marriage that's positive? Wife is working to support both of you, and is probably thinking the same things I posted here. Stop with the victim mentality the "I can't do anything my life sucks" because it's just weak and unattractive and probably unnecessary, and it's only driving your wife into the arms of another man who most definitely has a more positive attitude and gets a weekly paycheck.
 
#7 · (Edited)
In addition to all the self improvement suggestions you received, which is the most important thing you can do, you need to show your wife that you, in no uncertain terms, you won't stand for her abusing you. Make no mistake abou this, what she is doing is a form of abuse.

  • Get all the information you can about their contacts and share it with the OMW. Make it so that talking to your wife isn't going to be worth the hassle you'll put him through
  • Expose her actions far and wide to friends, family and your children, if you have them, and especially if they are over 16
  • Monitor cell phone usage and call her out on her contacting the POSOM
  • Put a VAR in the car so you can find out if she is contacting him by other means
  • Pay some surprise visits at work
  • In general, make it very uncomfortable for both of them to maintain the relationship. This is not to show you want your wife more than he does, it's to show you can't be f**ked with.

Whatever you do, don't sit back and take it. And remember, if she leaves you, she is the one who is going to pay alimony.
 
#8 ·
In addition to all the self improvement suggestions you received, which is the most important thing you can do, you need to show your wife that you, in no uncertain terms, you won't stand for her abusing you. Make no mistake abou this, what she is doing is a form of abuse.


  • [*]Get all the information you can about their contacts and share it with the OMW. Make so talking to your wife isn't going to be worth the hassle you'll put him through
    [*]Expose this far and wide to friends, family and your children, if you have them, and especially if they are over 16
    [*]Monitor cell phone usage and call her out on her contacting the POSOM
    [*]Put a VAR in the car so you can find out if she is contacting him by other means
    [*]Pay some surprise visits at work
    [*]In general, make it very uncomfortable for them to maintain the relationship

Whatever you do, don't sit back and take it. And remember, if she leaves you, she is the one who is going to pay alimony.



OP,

Lets start with the bull **** she is giving you about "just friends". With what you have described, do not bet on that. You need to take the suggestions above seriously and START with the VAR in her car. That will get you an answer in less then a week. if she is texting with this OM, you can bet she is talking to him on phone when she knows you are not around. The problem with the other things is that since you already have confronted her she is probably more careful. But you MUST understand that no matter what you hear on the VAR you do not reveal your source.

Get to an attorney. You cannot proceed on anything without understanding what your rights are, and believe me with you not working and th medical issues, she would not be walking away with anything resembling her current situation.

Do NOT make any more contact with the OM. He could give a **** less about you, and by now your wife an d him have a story co ordinated. If you can get copies of anything in writing you then need to get them to his wife WITHOUT letting them know it is happening. there are ways to do that but you do not tell you wife or threaten her that you are going to do it again.

I understand your financial situation is not good. But that does not mean you have to let her cake eat and sit there while she cheats on you.

Taker the first steps, VAR and an attorney.
 
#9 ·
Thanks but I do go to therapy bring $3,000 in a month and I try very hard to make sure she is happy.For the longest time I've felt like a loser but when I step back and compare myself to the way other guys are with their wives I think I'm not bad.
Case in point the guy shes texting is married with kids,I have never gone behind her back on anything
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#15 ·
You have $3,000 a month? You can certainly support yourself on $3,000 a month. If you cannot buy another house, you can rent. Find a pet friendly landlord. You may have to leave a few of the dogs with your wife, but that's better than living with a woman who is cheating on you with someone else's husband.
 
#18 · (Edited)
She's the director of nursing, but smokes like a chimney? lol I will be the one who goes against the grain in this thread. She doesn't sound like much of a catch to me. She's cheating on you, a chronic smoker, a liar, etc...sure, you can make improvements but do them for yourself, not to hang on to this toxic place that you're in. It sounds like you're codependent, because of your health condition, and are fearful of not having financial support. Don't let that keep you from leaving a bad situation. If she wasn't there to pay the bills, you'd have to find a way. Find that way, grow stronger mentally, and don't rely on your wife for anything.

And I'd leave her. Five months is a long time to be lying to you. So, you are not fulfilling her needs, or you have been disabled and can't work, so this is why she is cheating on you? If you start buying into this logic, you will always be jumping through hoops for her or other women, so they never cheat on you. Cheating is a character flaw, and cheaters always blame their partners. In some way. She's not 20 years old, she could have come to you and told you that she's not happy. Don't feel like this is your fault. Maybe your wife lost her attraction to you, but she doesn't sound attractive at all, to be honest. lol I'm not an advocate for divorce unless there's abuse and cheating. In this case, she's been doing this for 5 months. That's not an ''oops mistake.'' Hope you find peace in this, and most of all, don't let someone make you feel bad for their poor choices.
 
#19 ·
If Florida is a community property state, which I believe that it is, you may have an available remedy for her to end up paying you spousal support!

Get to a lawyer and air your situation as soon as you possibly can!

Posted via Mobile Device
 
#20 ·
Even better, the feminists have fought off every attempt to do away with permanent alimony in Florida for years. With his disability after a long term marriage she would be paying him for life. And until we get more women paying it we've got little chance of getting rid of it.
 
#21 ·
I'll make this VERY simple.

Get her phone - use a Text Recovery program to make sure you have all of the texts on the phone. They will also put the texts into a Word doc or something that you can have on your computer.

ALSO take screenshots of everything.

ALSO get the phone bill and copy the amount of texts to a certain number (assuming they're there, if they are iMessage they may not).

Then you put this all into an envelope and go see his wife.

WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE KNOW THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS.

You have no other choice. If you want to end their affair then this is your first and only option of "next steps". Do not hesistate, do this in the next 24 hours or you will find excuses not to do it. We will be your accountibility friends here, we WILL bug you about this, but that is because we care about the outcome.

THE FIRST STEP THAT YOU MUST TAKE IS TO GET YOURSELF OUT OF INFIDELITY.
 
#22 ·
You mentioned filing for bankruptcy soon... If you are married, they are going to require you to file a chapter 13 instead of a 7, where you have to make payments on the debt. Unless there is some kind of rule that allows a 7 due to disability? If you are separated, you should be able to file a 7, that is what happened when I did it many years back. Just giving a heads up in case you weren't aware.

Sorry to say but 5 dogs is not going to work for you finding a new place to live. Are you going to let dogs dictate how you live your life?
 
#24 ·
I left the boxing gloves and the 2x4's in the back of my F150.

I agree with everything that everyone has posted.

First off........back pain. Anyone who has had this ailment will know that it is the most debiliating thing, second only to a Class 4, Super Storm Migraine, or Migraine like headache.

It is second to the headache, because with back pain you can get temporary relief by lying down in "some" position, usually the fetal position.

Having been in two helicopter crashes and being a life long long distance runner, I know about back pain.

I have had two back surgeries, a lumbar laminectomy on a bulging disk that was impinging on a nerve, and lastly disk fusion [insertion of a borrowed bone into the L3-L4 juncture.

I bounced back from both of these procedures [done in my 20's, then in my 40's]. I was in agony, too. My choices were: live with the pain and disability or fix the damn back.

I got right into the faces of a few surgeons and demanded that they fix me. Most were afraid of secondary conditions and all are scared crapless of lawsuits. I found one who was brave enough to repair my back.

That was 30 years ago. I was returned to 90% of my former self. Pain is gone, stiffness and flexibility are forever. I can easily live with this.

Do not be a quitter.

You need to get physical therapy and get pain meds that will allow you to moderately exercise and MOST IMPORTUNATELY.....get a job.

You need to get a job with good health insurance. Do the job for 6 months and consult with every known and best Orthopedic Surgeons.

What they offer today is MUCH better than what was available to me 30-40 years ago.

Recovery time is much reduced. You have a GREAT chance of being fixed up better than you are feeling.

Get moving. Your marriage may be toast. But your bread can rise again. Sip the Yeast...grow a new spine. You CAN do this!
 
#27 ·
Ok some more background on me I am on antidepressants plus about 10 more meds have nerve damage in arm and leg.hbp,severe apnea,among others.For the most part I try not to let this get in the way.I am a good husband ,with all the time I have its easy to be communicating with someone else,but thats not what im into.As far as the dogs go they make my life a lot easier getting rid of them is not an option.As far as sex goes my desire is always there(of all the things wrong with my body thats not one of them).I have always been a good husband she doesnt need anything(apparently just another man).So for those of you putting the blame on me you are wrong.I still try ,Im in therapy,take my meds,watch what I look like,and always put her needs first(25 yrs of that)maybe thats the problem maybe she needs me to treat her like crap .
 
#37 ·
Head like a horse. 350 lbs. This is your competition? You have a way with words.

A Stallion? Nope.....a Steal-ur-Own. He is stealing your own wife. Both parties are not Kissing Cousins....more like Hurting Cousins.

Thanks for the update. This is not about sex. It is about venting. She and POSOM are Two Large Cans, with a wax string, pulled taut, connecting them. They communicate their Woos and Woes using that string of pain. She should be talking herself better {with you}. Choosing him makes her feel better {in comparison} to you and her. She has a poor opinion of herself. The large horse OM makes the Sad Mule that is her, look good in comparison. She is nursing him and herself.

A pair, not made in Heaven, but made for Heathens.

Move on with your life.....but first sneak out the back door, at night, in disguise. The dark cloud is not above you....it lives in your house. Do not look back.....lest you become a pillar of pickled salt.

If you do not rectify this NOW, it will return in 7 years, you weaker, her more sour.

You can do better. Good Luck!
 
#29 ·
It sounds like you hit the jackpot to me. File for divorce and get alimony. Why are you so nice to her if she's a mean, overweight b*tch?

Funny, my Ex Wife is a nurse. She let herself go and was a total b*tch to me and everyone else. I got fed up and left her.

Jeebus, move on and find someone better!
 
#36 ·
I'm not going to be rude and I won't act like a know it all being as most people on here are older than I am and have been married or experienced marriage longer than I. One thing I am so sick of on this forum is a persons first piece of advice being "get out of the marriage", it just doesn't make sense that you would encourage someone to end a marriage so easily being as it's a LIFE LONG COMMITMENT!! That's my piece, I hope you don't give up and I hope you fight for restoration and reconciliation.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#39 ·
One thing I am so sick of on this forum is a persons first piece of advice being "get out of the marriage", it just doesn't make sense that you would encourage someone to end a marriage so easily being as it's a LIFE LONG COMMITMENT!!
A lot of people on here have been through bad marriages and are divorced or are stuck in bad marriages and can't leave due to finances or fear of being alone or whatever.

So you're going to see a lot of advice like that although it's ironic given the name of the forum.

Should be called Talk About Divorce
 
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