Husband Feels I am a Burden
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Old 11-28-2011, 09:49 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband Feels I am a Burden

Hello
I am a new poster and I really am looking for help with my problem.

My husband and I have been married for 13 years, with dating we've been together for 20 years. I know in some ways that I should have known better about him, but I stayed anyway.

We have had many difficulties over the years, such as my husband cheating on me and thinking that he had given me Aids two years ago, he is verbally abusive to me and he continues to cheat on me with call girls to this day. I have no family around me, my parents died when I was a child and my older brother has died as well. All I have are my 2 kids.

My recent problem lies in the fact that we just bought a home and I cannot find a job. I graduated from college back in 2010 and have yet to find full-time work. My husband is stressed about money and so he takes it out on me because I am not working. He tells me how I am so lucky that I stay home, but he screams at me that he is too stressed so I try to help him with his work. I do things for him all of the time and help in anyway I can with the work he takes home. I try to keep things nice in the house and with the kids,but he is always angry. I dread going to sleep because when he wakes up in the morning he wakes me up too because he is screaming f&*k you, you go to work! Just this morning he knocked over a chair screaming at me, "f-you, you don't know what it is like to work."

He always tells me that everything is his in the house. He refuses to help me, but I always have to help him. I do work things for him constantly, butu I asked him once to read a cover letter that I wrote and he flatly said, NO!

I did well in college, but I am at a standstill in trying to find a job. I have applied for many jobs to no avail. I have never felt so alone and sad. I feel like everyone is rejecting me and I am worthless. I do not want to be sad infront of my kids, but it is hard to hide it sometimes. Last night, I was cooking dinner and he came up to me and said that I needed to add something to what I was cooking, I said no, don't, I know what to do, but he did it anyway. I got upset and said that I would not walk up to him and add somehting to what he was cooking, and he said, that's because I know what I am doing. That embarassed and upset me because he says this in front of the kids. He says all kinds of things negative about me in front of the kids and when I call him on it he just strorms off and says don't talk like that in front of the kids....when he just did the same thing. After he said what he did last night, I told him that it embarassed me and it hurt me. I asked him if he thinks that I do anything well and he said yes, but couldn't come up with anything specific.

He screams and yells and makes me feel so bad. Crying doesn't help, he will never talk about anything that bothers me and I know that me must hate me. I have put on a few pounds after my son and it has never come off, so I know that he is less attracted to me. He always was someone who stared at other girls right in front of me and when I was thinner, he would always say, get skinny and hot for me. I look back at pictures of myself from then and I looked good, I wish I had felt better about myself then, but he has always wanted me to be even thinner than I was, so I felt fat and unattractive compared to all the other girls he would see.

I am so upset, not working is killing me and on top of it all is my husband saying how I am lucky to be staying here. It would be so hard to leave as I have no family to lean on and a decent job seems to be hard to find at the moment. How can I survive all of the mental abuse and still keep it together for my kids? Some days I just don't know if things will ever get better. I often thinsk that if I found a job he would find some other way to pick on me. I knw this is a bit much, but is there anyone who can offer any advice to me?
Thanks
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Old 11-28-2011, 09:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Feels I am a Burden

Do NOT make excuses for why you can't leave.

My suggestion to you is, continue to look for a job like you have been. Get involved in a church or local support group where someone can help you out. Whether its helping you look for a job, helping to find shelter for you and your kids. Or someone that can help provide support for you during this difficult time. There are people out there I'm sure that are willing to help you out some if you let them know your situation.

Get out some and make friends. Sometimes, Its not always what you know but who you know.
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Old 11-28-2011, 09:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Feels I am a Burden

Sounds like an arrogant inconsiderate jerk. Without making excuses for him.....having an affair is one thing but call girls???
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Old 11-28-2011, 09:59 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Feels I am a Burden

Thanks, I need to get myself together a bit and reach out. I think that is good advice. I will admit that it scares me to leave him because I have known this life for so long. But I really don't want the rest of my life to be this way.
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Old 11-28-2011, 10:01 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Feels I am a Burden

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Originally Posted by SadnBlu View Post
Thanks, I need to get myself together a bit and reach out. I think that is good advice. I will admit that it scares me to leave him because I have known this life for so long. But I really don't want the rest of my life to be this way.
I am glad you do not want the rest of your life to be this way. You do not deserve for it to be either. You deserve better. Take small steps and you will some progress I'm sure. However, I will tell you until you can get some help job wise and a place to stay, IF there is any kind of physical abuse going on, then I will say take your child and get out now. Go to a women's shelter or something.
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Old 11-28-2011, 10:01 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Sounds like an arrogant inconsiderate jerk. Without making excuses for him.....having an affair is one thing but call girls???
I know, I often catch him on the computer looking up prostitutes. Even after the scare that he had AIDS, he still does this. He acts like he isn't hurting anyone by doing this. This is why talking to him about my problems is pointless.
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Old 11-28-2011, 10:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Feels I am a Burden

Sounds like you married a real peach.

He's verbally and mentally abusive, he cheats on you with prostitutes, isn't a sharing kind of guy "this house is mine," and acts as your alarm clock each morning when you wake up by telling you to "F-CK YOU!"

Finding a new job is the least of your worries. Well, it's part of the bigger problem.

I'd find a job and leave his a$$ stat. He is treating you like a rabid animal. You deserve more, are worth more, and he's beaten you down so bad emotionally that you think thi sis prob the norm. Let me tell you, sugar. It's not.

Damn, so much of this sounds like my exH. He used to tell me everything in the house was his, including my wedding ring "that's mine cause I paid for it." Um, sure.

Thirteen years is a long time to be dealing with this foolery. You could tell him to shape up or you're gone but...will you? Will he actually commit to making a change? The sad thing is you have kids growing up in that environment who will look at this and think this is a normal/healthy relationship and may go on to have relationships like this later.

You're going nowhere fast with him.
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Old 11-28-2011, 10:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Feels I am a Burden

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I know, I often catch him on the computer looking up prostitutes. Even after the scare that he had AIDS, he still does this. He acts like he isn't hurting anyone by doing this. This is why talking to him about my problems is pointless.
Yes, talking to someone who doesn't care about you or himself, is pointless. No more talking, its time for action! I hope you are able to get out of this mess soon! I agree about getting out there and finding some support. Support groups and or churches can sometimes help steer you in the right direction by having connections with certain things and certain people. I would look into that ASAP.
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Old 11-28-2011, 10:13 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Feels I am a Burden

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I know, I often catch him on the computer looking up prostitutes. Even after the scare that he had AIDS, he still does this. He acts like he isn't hurting anyone by doing this.
That's because he's had zero consequences for his past actions. And also because by staying with him, you've showed him you don't hurt. Oh sure you may say it, but words are just that. Actions are the only things that matter.

With an abuser, you are dealing iwthth a different kind of person. They are a little bit like sociopaths. They don't give a fck about anyone but themselves. What you say means nothing to him because he's looking out for #1 (himself).

He sounds like a narcissist. One who knows that no matter what he does, you'll always be there. Because you always have been. No matter what he says/does/he knows you are always going to stick around cause you have showed him that you will thus far. He's got it made (in his mind).
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Old 11-28-2011, 10:16 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Thank you all for responding. I just needed to hear that I am not crazy. When I read through this I realize how much I have to get my act together and leave. He calls me psycho when I get upset or cry because he just cannot understand how hopeless I feel. I need to be stronger and not let my fear overtake me any more and not internalize all the things he says about me. I made it through college with two kids and did well, now I got to believe in myself again and do it!!!
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Old 11-28-2011, 10:19 AM   #11 (permalink)
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That's because he's had zero consequences for his past actions. And also because by staying with him, you've showed him you don't hurt. Oh sure you may say it, but words are just that. Actions are the only things that matter.

With an abuser, you are dealing iwthth a different kind of person. They are a little bit like sociopaths. They don't give a fck about anyone but themselves. What you say means nothing to him because he's looking out for #1 (himself).

He sounds like a narcissist. One who knows that no matter what he does, you'll always be there. Because you always have been. No matter what he says/does/he knows you are always going to stick around cause you have showed him that you will thus far. He's got it made (in his mind).

I definately think he is narcissistic, but then again in his mind he is fine and I am the psycho.
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:08 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Thank you all for responding. I just needed to hear that I am not crazy. When I read through this I realize how much I have to get my act together and leave. He calls me psycho when I get upset or cry because he just cannot understand how hopeless I feel. I need to be stronger and not let my fear overtake me any more and not internalize all the things he says about me. I made it through college with two kids and did well, now I got to believe in myself again and do it!!!
Oh my God, honey, no wonder your name on here is SadnBlu! I almost cried reading your post.

Now, I will never tell you to leave your husband, or to stay because only you can make that decision (and I am betting that you know in your heart of hearts what is the right choice anyway) but darling, you have gotta talk to someone about this abuse you're living with. Google free counselling in your state, domestic violence/women's protection groups. They almost always offer confidential counselling and can help you just by listening and validating your feelings, concerns and anxieties and working with you on deciding that you want to do (or not do, as it might be). Babe, you need to do this for you.

I promise you, promise you, promise you that you are a perfect being, a good soul, and no matter what, you do not need to live in these conditions any longer. You honestly don't deserve this, no one does. Wow. Keep us updated, and you did good for reaching out on here in the first place.

HUGS!
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Thank you. I needed to hear that! I wish I could solve this as easily as I can write it out on here. You are so right that I need to talk to someone....badly. I have isolated myself from everyone and this is not good for me or my children. I am going to look into free counselling. I feel worthless most of the time and I can't feel that way, I have too much to live for. I need some interaction with others and I need to know that what I am feeling is not wrong.

You know when my husband thought he had contracted AIDS and thought he may have given it to me, we went to see our family doctor. We went in separately, when I went in to see if I needed testing or what ever, the doctor said to me. "Well, he owes you a steak dinner after this, but you should also look at yourself and see what you may have done to lead him into this." My husband cheated on me with a prostitute, what did I do wrong. This kind of feedback on my problems leads me to more stinking thinking. I need to be stronger....I just need to know how!

I am ashamed to say these things because right-minded people would never put up with this kind of treatment. I am just clinging on right now because I have put myself in a situation in which I have no outside help or friends. I can't talk to my kids about this, so I just bottle it up....I really need to see a counselor.
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:42 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Far out.

I think, maybe, the Dr (who was a jerk!) was trying to suggest that if you'd been a nasty, frigid b!tch to your hubby, or whatever else women do that drives their men away, you might wanna look at that behaviour. I don't know, just throwing out something. In any case, that was lame, rude, and not at all supportive and clearly Dr A-hole doesn't have a clue about anything!

Please, please, please look into counselling. You will hopefully be able to find a domestic violence organization for free (I know monet is often a major consideration). I don't think counselling is actually the savior that many make it out to be, but in your case, you absolutely need someone to help you process and reframe all of these experiences, especially as you are so isolated. You are not psycho or crazy in any case. You're probably just drowning in your own marriage and for the love of God, honey, you need a lifeline.

Please do one really nice thing for yourself today
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:44 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Feels I am a Burden

What do your family and friends say about him?

Abuse will make you feel like you've lost your damn mind. Like you are the crazy one, so how you are feeling is totally normal.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SadnBlu View Post
He calls me psycho when I get upset or cry because he just cannot understand how hopeless I fell
That's because he lacks empathy. A hallmark of an abuser. He cannot and will not ever fathom how you feel because it's not possible.

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Originally Posted by SadnBlu View Post
I definately think he is narcissistic, but then again in his mind he is fine and I am the psycho.
Well yeah. That's because with narcissists, it's never THEIR fault. It's never their problem. They are perfect and everyone else is flawed.

I was married to a very emotionally abusive man. It does not get better. Unless they see what they are doing as wrong, acknowledge it, and actually put forth the effort to stop the abusive behavior. Most of them never do.
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