I am a new poster and I really am looking for help with my problem.
My husband and I have been married for 13 years, with dating we've been together for 20 years. I know in some ways that I should have known better about him, but I stayed anyway.
We have had many difficulties over the years, such as my husband cheating on me and thinking that he had given me Aids two years ago, he is verbally abusive to me and he continues to cheat on me with call girls to this day. I have no family around me, my parents died when I was a child and my older brother has died as well. All I have are my 2 kids.
My recent problem lies in the fact that we just bought a home and I cannot find a job. I graduated from college back in 2010 and have yet to find full-time work. My husband is stressed about money and so he takes it out on me because I am not working. He tells me how I am so lucky that I stay home, but he screams at me that he is too stressed so I try to help him with his work. I do things for him all of the time and help in anyway I can with the work he takes home. I try to keep things nice in the house and with the kids,but he is always angry. I dread going to sleep because when he wakes up in the morning he wakes me up too because he is screaming f&*k you, you go to work! Just this morning he knocked over a chair screaming at me, "f-you, you don't know what it is like to work."
He always tells me that everything is his in the house. He refuses to help me, but I always have to help him. I do work things for him constantly, butu I asked him once to read a cover letter that I wrote and he flatly said, NO!
I did well in college, but I am at a standstill in trying to find a job. I have applied for many jobs to no avail. I have never felt so alone and sad. I feel like everyone is rejecting me and I am worthless. I do not want to be sad infront of my kids, but it is hard to hide it sometimes. Last night, I was cooking dinner and he came up to me and said that I needed to add something to what I was cooking, I said no, don't, I know what to do, but he did it anyway. I got upset and said that I would not walk up to him and add somehting to what he was cooking, and he said, that's because I know what I am doing. That embarassed and upset me because he says this in front of the kids. He says all kinds of things negative about me in front of the kids and when I call him on it he just strorms off and says don't talk like that in front of the kids....when he just did the same thing. After he said what he did last night, I told him that it embarassed me and it hurt me. I asked him if he thinks that I do anything well and he said yes, but couldn't come up with anything specific.
He screams and yells and makes me feel so bad. Crying doesn't help, he will never talk about anything that bothers me and I know that me must hate me. I have put on a few pounds after my son and it has never come off, so I know that he is less attracted to me. He always was someone who stared at other girls right in front of me and when I was thinner, he would always say, get skinny and hot for me. I look back at pictures of myself from then and I looked good, I wish I had felt better about myself then, but he has always wanted me to be even thinner than I was, so I felt fat and unattractive compared to all the other girls he would see.
I am so upset, not working is killing me and on top of it all is my husband saying how I am lucky to be staying here. It would be so hard to leave as I have no family to lean on and a decent job seems to be hard to find at the moment. How can I survive all of the mental abuse and still keep it together for my kids? Some days I just don't know if things will ever get better. I often thinsk that if I found a job he would find some other way to pick on me. I knw this is a bit much, but is there anyone who can offer any advice to me?