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Jealous of Husband and Mother in Law relationship

5K views 18 replies 12 participants last post by  frusdil 
#1 · (Edited)
#2 ·
It's not so much that I think his boundrys are right or wrong. I personally think some of his are and some are way off. But the point here is that you had these issues with it an married him anyway knowing that. You can't pretend to be fine with something then change that goalpost after marriage. Best I think you can do now is have an open talk with him about how this makes you feel and see if he can dial it down some and you need to let some of it go and compromise.
 
#16 ·
Thanks so much for reading and replying. I tried to keep my original post shorter, but I felt it was important to include more background.

What is it that makes you say that my husbands boundaries are way off? Could you be specific? It would be helpful to me, because I often feel invalidated and don't know how to feel, which I think is what makes me angry because I sometimes end up trying to be okay with things that I really am not okay with.

The thing is we kinda of rushed into getting married. I really see how difficult it has made things now. My husband doesn't seem to see things that way though.

So, I didn't know how much he talked to his mom. In fact, we almost eloped, but I told my mom about us wanting to get married and she said that it would be better not to elope and the right thing to do is to tell family. So I told him that is what she said and so he told his mom before we got married.

But he also told me that he believed his mom was codependent and on other occasions he has said he needed to get away from his family because of all the drama and stress and because they rely on him too much. I don't know exactly what "getting away" meant at the time but I definitely didn't think it mean he would talk to her every day and act like a therapist to her and her husband or to move in with her. They were also going through kind of a rough period when we decided to get married.

Its just a big complicated mess now.
I won't really mention which ones I don't agree with because again that's not the point. Point is you married him and he was this way. If my GF went out every weekend drinking with friends and I married her then I have no right to complain. I signed up for that. If you married to fast without this information then I still don't think you have much room to complain. If you are spending your life with someone part of it is accepting what and who they are. He is a bit of a momma boy. You don't see this as a strong trait......ok. So concentrate on the traits you did fall in love with and don't dwell on these
 
#4 ·
People's boundaries with their parents are what they grow up with. You husband have his boundaries, you have yours. If he was Italian he would have had his father kiss him on the lips after a hug. If it was some other family, the thought of kissing a grown man on the lips may induce vomiting. Like Wolf says, you can't change the rule mid-game. You married him and his family is part of who he is.

I also feel that you are a very thin skinned person. When Wolf voiced an opinion, you had to add more details to change his opinion. Is that how you always carry on conversation?

"I feel invalidated" Do you use this term often? Most people simply have an opinion and don't need to have it validated by somebody else.
 
#6 ·
You rushed into marriage, as you put it. Well as you know when you commit to a person for LIFE there's things that need to be discussed and agreed upon ahead of time, you can't just leave it up to chance and things "working themself out" because it rarely happens that way.

It's pretty clear that you will not allow your husband's mother to move in with you no matter what.

This is a person who raised your husband from the moment he was born, actually it started 9 months before that but anyway the point is that you take care of family that has taken care of you.

For you to unilaterally decide 'No WAY' she's moving in is really selfish, rigid, and inconsiderate thinking and I'm sure your husband is a lot more upset by your attitude then he lets on. I know I would be. If you love someone you do things to make them happy, you take care of them, which is what your husband wants to do for his mother and what he wants for you to do to him- and obviously that is not what you are thinking because you don't want to be inconvenienced or you're jealous or whatever.
 
#9 ·
Thank you for reading my post.


You're totally right about boundaries being different. I'm not sure if I can agree on the specific example about Italian families, because that is another culture. That's very interesting. You will excuse "culture" but family dynamic that your husband grew up in is not excusable. Not criticizing. Just find it interesting.

You're right, I am a thin-skinned person. I have huge self-esteem issues too. I own that. I've done therapy for a long time and I still deal with low-self esteem. and that is where the term "invalidated" comes from. It's a term specific to your therapy session. It's odd in a normal conversation. You need to understand that your husband is allowed to have his "normal" and it is not his job to "validate" your feelings.

I didn't include the additional details in my original post to keep it shorter. I don't see why that was a problem. I know not everyone wants to read my life story but I appreciate those who are willing to read and reply. I also thought it was relevant to include additional details in my reply because Wolf didn't know the full context. He said I was moving goal posts, but he didn't know how long me and my husband dated or was engaged. So I don't see what is wrong with providing more details. How long you dated does not change the fact that this is the person you married. If you expected him to change, you needed to make that clear BEFORE you married him. It is not fair to him. Just as it would not be fair to you for him to expect you to grow self-esteem overnight.

When I said I was invalidated I meant in general, I wasn't saying that to Wolf about his reply to me. That's why I needed to write this, because I need to know others perspectives because I don't feel like I can trust my own-YES I know that is a problem. I am willing to listen to others even though I may be in the wrong and that can be hard to accept.
 
#8 · (Edited)
I agreed with almost all of your post.

It was a bad decision to rush into a marriage; but I don't think that means you should be sentenced to a life of unhappiness. Everyone needs to work on a lot of things in their marriages that weren't apparent at the start of the relationship.

The massage thing is just squicky. Yuck. No, it doesn't have to be officially incestuous to be downright weird.

I think that she's got one h.ll of a nerve, hinting at moving in with you guys. What a way to cramp a young couple's sex life. You're at the stage where you should be having sex in all the rooms of your home, whenever you feel like it. Not gonna be possible with ma in the background 24/7.

Jealousy, unless it's technical stalking or crazy behavior, is a totally normal emotion. In fact, I think it's to be desired in a LTR. It means the person matters to you and you are passionate about your connection to them. No lukewarm, logical feelings for me, thank-you very much.

I'm only offering support. I don't have any solutions for you.
 
#11 ·
I will be the first to admit that I have a lot of problems with anger and jealousy as well which has negatively affected my relationships throughout my life.

I am very angry about a particular situation right now and I would like to get some perspective on it before I try dealing with it.

I don't know if I am being rational and fair to the people involved. I often don't know if my anger and/or hurt feelings are justified.

I have been married for a year. I know that I can be very jealous of women talking to my husband, especially young, single, attractive women. This post isn't about those interactions though, its about his relationship with his mom. He is pretty close to his mother and sometimes I don't like it.

The more I think about certain things like how often they talk on the phone or text or how she called him several months ago and suggested that we move in together, the more I feel angry. She said she wanted to get a divorce from her current husband and was afraid she couldn't afford living alone. This was only a few months after we got married, and I don't know her that well. I also didn't appreciate that she only called him and asked him. Of course I wasn't happy about this and he eventually called her back and said that basically that wasn't going to happen because he's married. But he did admit to me that he felt really bad about doing that and that he wish he could have been there for her because she seemed so desperate. The thing is also is that she seems to go back and forth a lot about this divorce thing with her husband. They have been unhappy for some time now. I think that she needs to make her decision before asking other people to live with her. Regardless, I don't want to live with my mother in law, but I think just in general, what she did is disrespectful. I still think about this and I get really angry.

Since then, my husband has suggested about 2 or 3 times that maybe both of our mother's could live with us because he knows I miss my mom (she lives in another country) and that I really need more support as well. My mother has already said she doesn't want to do this and I just want her to be happy and I completely respect that. He brought this up a couple more times though and I feel like he said this not just for me, but also because he feels bad for his mom because she is in an unhappy marriage. I feel like in some way he is trying to "save" her, i guess. She is 60 years old and she is still working. I don't know her financial situation well so I don't know how hard it would be for her to live alone but she lives in a nice house right now that her and her husband plan to sell.

Also, his mother is a massage therapist and offers to give massages to a lot of people (including myself, but I haven't take her up on that yet). I feel like its weird that she gives my husband massages even though that's her profession. And the more I think about it, I also feel its weird when he rubs her shoulders or anything like that. I mean, I'm definitely not trying to insinuate incest. I just think its too touchy-feely for me as a wife to see that.

My mother in law is also having a lot of problems with her own husband and I feel that she is too reliant on my husband for support. My husband has told me that he has felt like a therapist at times to both his mother and her husband (my husband's stepfather). This upsets me because it exhausts him and I feel that they should not be doing that to them because they are adults and that is their personal business. They should go to a therapist or talk to friends or other family members (like people closer to their own age), not her son. But they don't want to see a therapist for various reasons. They are supposedly preparing to officially separate right now though. Me and my husband have our own problems and I think it is wrong for them to unload so much on him.

My husband is used to everyone in his family relying so much on him. He doesn't like it but its a role that he is used to and doesn't know how to let go because he still cares deeply about his family. He's very kind person with a huge heart who tends to give too much and exhausts himself by doing that.

I feel really angry right now because my husband accidentally texted me when it was supposed to go to his mom. He said that he would take her up on a massage that she offered. He then realized he sent the text to me and said it was an accident and was supposed to go to his mom and put "lol". I didn't find it funny, it actually really pissed me off. He kept talking to me about other stuff but I wasn't saying much, I haven't told him how I feel but he probably has a feeling. This happened while I was working and so I told him that I couldn't talk.

Are there other married people or people in long-term committed relationships here who can share their perspective on this? Am I being too sensitive and jealous?

My husband knows I can be very jealous and he knows how I feel to some extent. I'm not sure if I should bring this up again though because I don't know if I am being unreasonable. Of course I realize that being in his mom''s life is normal. I just don't have a good handle on what are healthy boundaries in many situations and if their interactions are healthy considering that he is married. He told me before that she is codependent. I don't know if that is really true but I can see why he has said this in the past. He hasn't brought it up recently though.

Thank you in advance for reading my post, I really appreciate it.
And what are you going to do to address your problem that you acknowledged in the first line in your post?
 
#13 ·
Your MIL is bringing up living with you before she tells her husband she wants a divorce because she wants to make sure she has a place to go. Since the answer was "no", she'll either stay in the marriage or keep trying to convince your husband to let her live with you. Be prepared for that not to go away.
 
#14 ·
@cawillow
Do you have children?
Mother and son bonds are common.

Are you envious of the time they spend together?
Does it undermine your feelings? And why?
How does she treat you?

Certainly the massage thing is something that you could share with your husband so his Mom won't have to do anymore.

Sit down with your husband and make a list of pro and cons about having two little old ladies living with both of you in the future.

Like for example
Pro - they could do cleaning or babysitting
Con - having two mother in laws under the roof could be testing of patience for you both.

But to be jealous of a mother is something that you need to work on, she's not trying to take him away from you, she's just going through a rough time with her divorce and needs someone she trusts to talk to, her son may be the only person she has.

If your husband is the caretaker of his family, remind him that's it OK to say no if things become stressful.
Can you take time off and help him with his family issues, get to know them better and build good relantionships with them.


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
 
#15 ·
You have not grown enough as a couple yet to have an in-law, either in-law be living with you, please hold-off on this for the present and if possible, longer.

My father passed away last February and my mother sold their home and is living with us while she transitions into a retirement home apartment for independent care. So much of the time we had for sorting through something as simple as our daily lives is now a three-way conversation whether I wish it or not, it just happens and when a difference of opinion comes, Mom is right there to side with one or the other, quite unhelpful for any deep dialog even though she has been asked to not involve herself, it just happens. Privacy is another thing that is of the past until she settles, whether it be walking from a shower or physical intimacy, it will be interrupted until a schedule can be found... so much for spontaneity and I am 27 years into a marriage still looking for it.

It takes confidence in a relationship to live with more than the nuclear family... and if that confidence is weak to start, it will become more post-nuclear when all is done.

Boundaries with parents are essential for many new couples... a husband should not be in the middle of his parents marriage any more than they should be in their children's. Too many try to cultivate the marriages of their children without understanding the differences in the soil to allow the bloom to be it's best and let the roots learn the soil themselves... and even worse, the sterile soil they bring with them as your in-laws seem to have.

Jealousy comes from different sources... do you know where your source feeds? If you can identify the why, you can begin to bring it into better light so you are able to see why you are self-dissatisfied instead of self-confident.
 
#17 ·
I'll be the first to admit that I have HUGE in law problems. My inlaws are what brought me to TAM - my username stands for Frustrated Daughter In Law, lol.

Even with my inlaw issues, I think you're being way too sensitive with everything except the moving in part. Do NOT do that - that would be a disaster.

I see no harm in your husband giving his mum a neck massage - my husband has done that for his mum, it's not like she's lying half naked on the bed while he's doing it (ick!). There's another poster here who's mother in law sits between her sons legs and strokes his thighs!!! Now THAT'S icky! Lol!

Is the number of times they talk on the phone taking anything away from you? Does he discuss your relationship with her? Does he spend all weekend every weekend with her?

If not, you don't have much at all to worry about - pick your battles.
 
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