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I won't really mention which ones I don't agree with because again that's not the point. Point is you married him and he was this way. If my GF went out every weekend drinking with friends and I married her then I have no right to complain. I signed up for that. If you married to fast without this information then I still don't think you have much room to complain. If you are spending your life with someone part of it is accepting what and who they are. He is a bit of a momma boy. You don't see this as a strong trait......ok. So concentrate on the traits you did fall in love with and don't dwell on theseThanks so much for reading and replying. I tried to keep my original post shorter, but I felt it was important to include more background.
What is it that makes you say that my husbands boundaries are way off? Could you be specific? It would be helpful to me, because I often feel invalidated and don't know how to feel, which I think is what makes me angry because I sometimes end up trying to be okay with things that I really am not okay with.
The thing is we kinda of rushed into getting married. I really see how difficult it has made things now. My husband doesn't seem to see things that way though.
So, I didn't know how much he talked to his mom. In fact, we almost eloped, but I told my mom about us wanting to get married and she said that it would be better not to elope and the right thing to do is to tell family. So I told him that is what she said and so he told his mom before we got married.
But he also told me that he believed his mom was codependent and on other occasions he has said he needed to get away from his family because of all the drama and stress and because they rely on him too much. I don't know exactly what "getting away" meant at the time but I definitely didn't think it mean he would talk to her every day and act like a therapist to her and her husband or to move in with her. They were also going through kind of a rough period when we decided to get married.
Its just a big complicated mess now.
Thank you for reading my post.
You're totally right about boundaries being different. I'm not sure if I can agree on the specific example about Italian families, because that is another culture. That's very interesting. You will excuse "culture" but family dynamic that your husband grew up in is not excusable. Not criticizing. Just find it interesting.
You're right, I am a thin-skinned person. I have huge self-esteem issues too. I own that. I've done therapy for a long time and I still deal with low-self esteem. and that is where the term "invalidated" comes from. It's a term specific to your therapy session. It's odd in a normal conversation. You need to understand that your husband is allowed to have his "normal" and it is not his job to "validate" your feelings.
I didn't include the additional details in my original post to keep it shorter. I don't see why that was a problem. I know not everyone wants to read my life story but I appreciate those who are willing to read and reply. I also thought it was relevant to include additional details in my reply because Wolf didn't know the full context. He said I was moving goal posts, but he didn't know how long me and my husband dated or was engaged. So I don't see what is wrong with providing more details. How long you dated does not change the fact that this is the person you married. If you expected him to change, you needed to make that clear BEFORE you married him. It is not fair to him. Just as it would not be fair to you for him to expect you to grow self-esteem overnight.
When I said I was invalidated I meant in general, I wasn't saying that to Wolf about his reply to me. That's why I needed to write this, because I need to know others perspectives because I don't feel like I can trust my own-YES I know that is a problem. I am willing to listen to others even though I may be in the wrong and that can be hard to accept.
And what are you going to do to address your problem that you acknowledged in the first line in your post?I will be the first to admit that I have a lot of problems with anger and jealousy as well which has negatively affected my relationships throughout my life.
I am very angry about a particular situation right now and I would like to get some perspective on it before I try dealing with it.
I don't know if I am being rational and fair to the people involved. I often don't know if my anger and/or hurt feelings are justified.
I have been married for a year. I know that I can be very jealous of women talking to my husband, especially young, single, attractive women. This post isn't about those interactions though, its about his relationship with his mom. He is pretty close to his mother and sometimes I don't like it.
The more I think about certain things like how often they talk on the phone or text or how she called him several months ago and suggested that we move in together, the more I feel angry. She said she wanted to get a divorce from her current husband and was afraid she couldn't afford living alone. This was only a few months after we got married, and I don't know her that well. I also didn't appreciate that she only called him and asked him. Of course I wasn't happy about this and he eventually called her back and said that basically that wasn't going to happen because he's married. But he did admit to me that he felt really bad about doing that and that he wish he could have been there for her because she seemed so desperate. The thing is also is that she seems to go back and forth a lot about this divorce thing with her husband. They have been unhappy for some time now. I think that she needs to make her decision before asking other people to live with her. Regardless, I don't want to live with my mother in law, but I think just in general, what she did is disrespectful. I still think about this and I get really angry.
Since then, my husband has suggested about 2 or 3 times that maybe both of our mother's could live with us because he knows I miss my mom (she lives in another country) and that I really need more support as well. My mother has already said she doesn't want to do this and I just want her to be happy and I completely respect that. He brought this up a couple more times though and I feel like he said this not just for me, but also because he feels bad for his mom because she is in an unhappy marriage. I feel like in some way he is trying to "save" her, i guess. She is 60 years old and she is still working. I don't know her financial situation well so I don't know how hard it would be for her to live alone but she lives in a nice house right now that her and her husband plan to sell.
Also, his mother is a massage therapist and offers to give massages to a lot of people (including myself, but I haven't take her up on that yet). I feel like its weird that she gives my husband massages even though that's her profession. And the more I think about it, I also feel its weird when he rubs her shoulders or anything like that. I mean, I'm definitely not trying to insinuate incest. I just think its too touchy-feely for me as a wife to see that.
My mother in law is also having a lot of problems with her own husband and I feel that she is too reliant on my husband for support. My husband has told me that he has felt like a therapist at times to both his mother and her husband (my husband's stepfather). This upsets me because it exhausts him and I feel that they should not be doing that to them because they are adults and that is their personal business. They should go to a therapist or talk to friends or other family members (like people closer to their own age), not her son. But they don't want to see a therapist for various reasons. They are supposedly preparing to officially separate right now though. Me and my husband have our own problems and I think it is wrong for them to unload so much on him.
My husband is used to everyone in his family relying so much on him. He doesn't like it but its a role that he is used to and doesn't know how to let go because he still cares deeply about his family. He's very kind person with a huge heart who tends to give too much and exhausts himself by doing that.
I feel really angry right now because my husband accidentally texted me when it was supposed to go to his mom. He said that he would take her up on a massage that she offered. He then realized he sent the text to me and said it was an accident and was supposed to go to his mom and put "lol". I didn't find it funny, it actually really pissed me off. He kept talking to me about other stuff but I wasn't saying much, I haven't told him how I feel but he probably has a feeling. This happened while I was working and so I told him that I couldn't talk.
Are there other married people or people in long-term committed relationships here who can share their perspective on this? Am I being too sensitive and jealous?
My husband knows I can be very jealous and he knows how I feel to some extent. I'm not sure if I should bring this up again though because I don't know if I am being unreasonable. Of course I realize that being in his mom''s life is normal. I just don't have a good handle on what are healthy boundaries in many situations and if their interactions are healthy considering that he is married. He told me before that she is codependent. I don't know if that is really true but I can see why he has said this in the past. He hasn't brought it up recently though.
Thank you in advance for reading my post, I really appreciate it.
I had no idea!My inlaws are what brought me to TAM - my username stands for Frustrated Daughter In Law, lol.