I’m 44 and my ‘boy’ friend is 50. We’ve been together for almost 7 years, living together for 6. And he hasn’t asked me to marry him.
At first I was relaxed about it... it’s not something you can hurry. I’m patient, I trusted that a proposal would happen in it’s own good time. But now the issue is becoming bigger and biggerand I really don’t know what to do. Right from the start I’ve always been totally upfront that I believe in love, and getting married, and my faith in happy relationships that last a lifetime.
Then last year he wanted me to have IVF to try to have a late baby. (He has no children, although I have 3 teenagers.) At 44, time was totally of essence, so I couldn’t delay the IVF. I also didn’t want to hold a gun to his head about getting engaged and ‘blackmail’ him with the threat of delaying IVF. (Although I would have drawn the line if the IVF had been successful, and not gone ahead with it without a proposal - AND the invites sent out.)
But it wasn’t successful. So now, on top of everything else, I worry that because I can’t have a child, he will be looking for someone else who is younger and can. (I have told him I feel this way). At the time, in counseling, I offered to leave him so he could find someone to have children with and he got teary and said he wouldn’t want to have children with anybody but me. We’re very happy and romantic and I have no doubt that he loves me. SO WHY WON’T HE MARRY ME??? It’s not like we’re free spirits who don’t care about a piece of paper. We’re both fairly traditional types, I have a religious background and so does he. All our friends and family are married. There’s no reason at all not to.
I’ve cried and told him exactly how I feel ... I’ve been calm and matter of fact and told him exactly how I feel ... and nothing. I know he needs time and patience, so I wait and wait and wait. But for SEVEN YEARS? He’s a closed book, non-communicative type, he gets tongue tied and silent and says in helpless, loving tones that I shouldn’t let it worry me. He says that he wanted a child with me, and that proves his commitment. (Sadly, I don't think it does in this day and age.)
It really is the one area in life where a female can’t make it happen, it’s the man who needs to. It sucks. I’m the sort of person who gets upset about something but then stops being upset and forgets about it for a while, I guess I have a fairly sunny nature, so I never really make too big a deal of it for very long. I guess if I got upset, and stayed upset, it might cause something to happen. But then I don’t think me being upset for a prolonged period of time is going to help a relationship very much... all the more reason for him not to propose! A proposal that I force out of him by ultimatum isn’t what I want to do at all... I don’t want to force anyone into anything. I don’t want to drag anyone kicking and screaming to the altar!
And he’s stubborn and pigheaded enough to dig his heels in until it’s too late, he hates to be railroaded and told what to do. I’ve told him how much it hurts me. So add to all this, the growing resentment I feel that he knows he’s hurting me, but doesn’t do anything about it. The longer he delays, I feel this sinking feeling of seeing the man I love behaving like a jerk, it’s breaking my heart that he betrayed the trust I placed in him.
It seems crazy to leave a successful relationship but what else can I do? Not to mention the fact that I’m midway through setting up a new business and not as financially independent as I usually am right now, it would be quite difficult to leave. Also, it would kill me if I left him and moved on and he learns his lesson and goes on to marry someone else!!!!! Part of me understands it’s just a piece of paper, nothing more than a thought construct in my head, but still... we have a wedding coming up next week of a friends of ours who met AFTER WE DID. I’m dreading the wedding, I’m worried I’m going to cry and make a fool of myself in front of everybody we know. And facing the inevitable questions as to why we're not married yet, people pitying me.... And not to be a bragger, but I am NICE! It’s never been hard for me to meet men, I’ve had plenty of men in love with me in my lifetime. I still attract guys if I go out. There is nothing wrong with me, I'm a normal woman that is as worthy to be married as anybody else.
It is partly his personality. He takes forever to make a decision and he overthinks even the simplest thing, it took him months of research to just buy a pair of skis or decide what to do about the faulty air conditioning. Hence the fact that I have waited. Apparently he was a commitment phobe in the past, with an on and off girlfriend that he never married or even lived with, and everyone was amazed when he actually did commit and asked me and my 3 children to move in with him.
I should add that he was totally the one that chased me from the start... I am a firm believer in not chasing men, let them initiate, I've read the "He's just not that into you" book and totally agree. But I really don't know how to apply that in this situation.
The ‘men are from mars’ type self help books say things like roll the relationship back a stage ... but it’s a bit hard when you’re actually LIVING together and virtually ARE married. Not to mention it feels manipulative and calculating. I feel like if he really love me he would marry me, if he doesn’t love me enough to marry me, then I should leave him. But in my heart of hearts I know he DOES love me! No idea how to deal with this!
At first I was relaxed about it... it’s not something you can hurry. I’m patient, I trusted that a proposal would happen in it’s own good time. But now the issue is becoming bigger and biggerand I really don’t know what to do. Right from the start I’ve always been totally upfront that I believe in love, and getting married, and my faith in happy relationships that last a lifetime.
Then last year he wanted me to have IVF to try to have a late baby. (He has no children, although I have 3 teenagers.) At 44, time was totally of essence, so I couldn’t delay the IVF. I also didn’t want to hold a gun to his head about getting engaged and ‘blackmail’ him with the threat of delaying IVF. (Although I would have drawn the line if the IVF had been successful, and not gone ahead with it without a proposal - AND the invites sent out.)
But it wasn’t successful. So now, on top of everything else, I worry that because I can’t have a child, he will be looking for someone else who is younger and can. (I have told him I feel this way). At the time, in counseling, I offered to leave him so he could find someone to have children with and he got teary and said he wouldn’t want to have children with anybody but me. We’re very happy and romantic and I have no doubt that he loves me. SO WHY WON’T HE MARRY ME??? It’s not like we’re free spirits who don’t care about a piece of paper. We’re both fairly traditional types, I have a religious background and so does he. All our friends and family are married. There’s no reason at all not to.
I’ve cried and told him exactly how I feel ... I’ve been calm and matter of fact and told him exactly how I feel ... and nothing. I know he needs time and patience, so I wait and wait and wait. But for SEVEN YEARS? He’s a closed book, non-communicative type, he gets tongue tied and silent and says in helpless, loving tones that I shouldn’t let it worry me. He says that he wanted a child with me, and that proves his commitment. (Sadly, I don't think it does in this day and age.)
It really is the one area in life where a female can’t make it happen, it’s the man who needs to. It sucks. I’m the sort of person who gets upset about something but then stops being upset and forgets about it for a while, I guess I have a fairly sunny nature, so I never really make too big a deal of it for very long. I guess if I got upset, and stayed upset, it might cause something to happen. But then I don’t think me being upset for a prolonged period of time is going to help a relationship very much... all the more reason for him not to propose! A proposal that I force out of him by ultimatum isn’t what I want to do at all... I don’t want to force anyone into anything. I don’t want to drag anyone kicking and screaming to the altar!
And he’s stubborn and pigheaded enough to dig his heels in until it’s too late, he hates to be railroaded and told what to do. I’ve told him how much it hurts me. So add to all this, the growing resentment I feel that he knows he’s hurting me, but doesn’t do anything about it. The longer he delays, I feel this sinking feeling of seeing the man I love behaving like a jerk, it’s breaking my heart that he betrayed the trust I placed in him.
It seems crazy to leave a successful relationship but what else can I do? Not to mention the fact that I’m midway through setting up a new business and not as financially independent as I usually am right now, it would be quite difficult to leave. Also, it would kill me if I left him and moved on and he learns his lesson and goes on to marry someone else!!!!! Part of me understands it’s just a piece of paper, nothing more than a thought construct in my head, but still... we have a wedding coming up next week of a friends of ours who met AFTER WE DID. I’m dreading the wedding, I’m worried I’m going to cry and make a fool of myself in front of everybody we know. And facing the inevitable questions as to why we're not married yet, people pitying me.... And not to be a bragger, but I am NICE! It’s never been hard for me to meet men, I’ve had plenty of men in love with me in my lifetime. I still attract guys if I go out. There is nothing wrong with me, I'm a normal woman that is as worthy to be married as anybody else.
It is partly his personality. He takes forever to make a decision and he overthinks even the simplest thing, it took him months of research to just buy a pair of skis or decide what to do about the faulty air conditioning. Hence the fact that I have waited. Apparently he was a commitment phobe in the past, with an on and off girlfriend that he never married or even lived with, and everyone was amazed when he actually did commit and asked me and my 3 children to move in with him.
I should add that he was totally the one that chased me from the start... I am a firm believer in not chasing men, let them initiate, I've read the "He's just not that into you" book and totally agree. But I really don't know how to apply that in this situation.
The ‘men are from mars’ type self help books say things like roll the relationship back a stage ... but it’s a bit hard when you’re actually LIVING together and virtually ARE married. Not to mention it feels manipulative and calculating. I feel like if he really love me he would marry me, if he doesn’t love me enough to marry me, then I should leave him. But in my heart of hearts I know he DOES love me! No idea how to deal with this!