Feeling Defeated and Broken
For several years my husband and I have had major intimacy issues for years. He never comes onto me, ever on his own. At first, I was okay with it. But then he started to claim he was too tired or not in the mood when I initiated so I became tired of trying. I’ve expressed myself to him time and time again, we’ve had arguments/discussions that have lasted into the wee hours of the night where I cry my eyes out and he shrugs and insists he is attracted to me and doesn’t know why it doesn’t occur to him. He always resolves to work on it and maybe he will come on to me once after that, but changes are never permanent.
A week or so ago I told him I was tired of feeling lonely and unwanted and I need him to show intimacy and I am tired of excuses. Again, he said he would work on it. Since then- no initiative. I even told him that night that if I ask him to rub my back that is me saying “HELLO I WANT SOME.” Last night I asked him to rub my back and after a couple minutes he stopped, rolled over, and I waited. And waited. Then I heard him sleeping. So I woke him up and said “so- just to be clear- I can never expect you to come on to me. If I want sex I have to beg for it. You will never do it willingly on your own?” Note: I realize how passive aggressive this was, but I am so at the end of my rope! I really don’t understand how this person can claim he loves me, wants to make love to me and then just doesn’t. It doesn’t cross his mind? Ever? Cue the huge fight. Back and forth and he said he didn’t see a point talking about it because I “always make everything about me.” And I think “the world should revolve around my feelings” and he didn’t want to get into a fight “just to be guilted into an apology” and I am just sitting here like, what? This IS about my feelings, I don’t think the world revolves around me but its like he is so insistent on making sure I know that my he purposely disregards my feelings. And guilted into an apology?! I didn’t want another apology- I want change! I want him to understand how badly he hurts me when he ignores me. He admitted that there is something wrong, but he said “you have a serious problem yourself if you think marriage and love is easy and magic.” I DON’T! But I think a couple should have sex more than once every 6 weeks and only if the wife asks. Another big mistake I made was I said “yeah, my serious problem is you.” And then he flipped out and started screaming that we were done. He is done with me and my crap. He stormed into our sleeping children’s room. I gave it a few minutes before approaching him and he refused to lower his voice and kept saying things like “I’m done b-“ and “we’re over we’re getting a *expletive* divorce”.
This isn’t the first time he’s done this. In fact, he almost always threatens divorce when arguments arise. The last time he did it was 2 weeks ago and a week before that when we weren’t seeing eye to eye on stand alone issues regarding disciplining our youngest child. I don’t understand why he goes there. In the end last night he came back to bed and apologized and said he shouldn’t have said those things and, again, agreed to work on our intimacy issues. I was so tired I went to sleep, but I’ve spent the whole day in a haze. I feel absolutely shattered.
This isn’t the first time any of this has happened, but I am tired of not only fighting when there didn’t need to be a fight (which, I know I was extremely passive aggressive and that didn’t help matters) but having to defend our actual marriage instead of working through an issue. I feel manipulated and abused and I am just so tired. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to end my marriage, but I don’t want to be married like this anymore. I feel like I have 3 husbands 1- the helpful roommate, 2- the explosive and immature martyr that I can’t have a real conversation with and of course 3- the good guy who shows up around friends/family and for church. I am tired.