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Lonely and lost...

2K views 17 replies 13 participants last post by  prunus 
#1 ·
I've been married for 9yrs, both my husband and I are in our early 30's. We have two young children and I stay at home with them.

Over the last year or two I've just found myself sinking lower and lower into loneliness. My husband works m-f 7am-7pm. Then Friday and Saturday nights he has been working an extra job. I am alone a lot and when he is home he is tired from working so much and will end up falling asleep early or playing on games on his phone to decompress. Having worked a demanding job before I began staying at home, I understand his need for downtime too. He is very kind and giving and I know loves me so much. He is helpful with the house and the kids, at least as much as he can. I just feel as if there is no real relationship between he and I, other than the day to day motions.

In addition, we have a very trying intimate life. I am sure it has to do with work/life stress, but he usually only looks for intimacy once every week/two weeks (whereas I'd prefer it far more often). It always is the same, literally, down to the initiation. While the intimacy itself IS good (in a sense that all parties get what they "need") the monotony of it has me dreading doing it lately. When I initiate he almost always turns me down. We basically can only have this time on his terms, when he feels awake enough (I think being tired is a big factor). I am getting to a point where I just don't even want to EVER be intimate, purely out of boredom! I dread it.

I have tried talking many times to him, he is very understanding and tells me he gets what I am saying. I feel heard and respected when we discuss it. However, nothing.ever.changes. Or if it does, it is for literally one day (or that same day only!). I just am at a loss. I love him and want to be happy and fulfilled.
 
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#2 · (Edited)
Why is he working a second job on the weekends? It seems that it would benefit you the most if you went out and worked the weekend. You could spend time away from the kids, be around adults. You need to decompress too.
It would benefit both him and the children to spend time with the kids, he is already away from them a lot. It will help him see what you are up against (boredom/monotony) if he has to be in your shoes sometimes.
 
#3 ·
He is working because he is wanting extra money, we just bought a new home/car/etc and he is terrified of any sort of debt. I did have part time job on the weekends, but he felt he could make better money/work at night so we could have the weekend days as a family.
 
#5 ·
I am getting to a point where I just don't even want to EVER be intimate, purely out of boredom! I dread it.
He might feel exactly the same. It takes two to make things work.

I'd scale the spending down so he can work less hours. Do you really need a new car? Get a banger. Who really cares? Do some lean budgeting (together). Live a simpler more modest life. Get back to what really matters.

You love each other so you can do it.
 
#8 ·
We bought a used car, to replace another used car. We are a very frugal family, I take care of the spending and make sure to spend as little as possible (we'd rather save than spend). We became first time homeowners 8 months ago, for the last 6yrs we did nothing but save for the home (and spent under our budget). I try to talk to my husband about additional things we can cut out so he won't feel he needs to work extra hours, but he seems resolved to just working and tells me it isn't forever (but its been over a year of him doing it).

I will definitely approach him with it again.
 
#7 ·
Some people thrive on being a home-maker and being with the children all day, some don't. Is there someone you can trust with your children so you can look for a part-time job? I think you would see things from a very different perspective if you had another life outside the home. Even if financially it isn't viable (with childcare etc) it may be good for you as it seems you have put all your eggs in one basket and relying solely on your tired husband to make you feel 'alive' and fulfilled.

There are lots of things you both can do to spice your love life up, but unless you are feeling happier about your life, pretty much everything will seem lame. Maybe your husband isn't happy either. Have you tried shifting the focus from how you feel to how he feels? Sometimes men are not good at verbalising their feelings.

Is it possible to have a weekend away without the children?

Do you socialise with other SAHM?

Have you considered doing some education or learning a new skill in the evening or weekends?
 
#10 ·
I do love being home with my children, I just am desperate for companionship. We can't go on dates or spend alone time if he works on the weekends, or falls asleep at 8pm on weeknights (when he gets home at 7). Feels like a never ending cycle, kwim?

I love the idea of a part time job, I've mentioned it so many times to him. I have one child in school full-time and the other is too young yet for that. I'm not really comfortable with doing childcare, but even talked to him about me getting a work from home job a few hours a day (just to give me something to do). Again he scoffed at the idea, saying he didn't think it would be possible/feasible to do it will tending to the house/kids/not getting burned out. Maybe I should just do it...

I have a few mom friends who I do see once a week, so that is good.
 
#13 · (Edited)
He is helpful with the house and the kids, at least as much as he can. I just feel as if there is no real relationship between he and I, other than the day to day motions.
Since he works like a dog outside of the home, and you don't work outside the home at all: he shouldn't have to lift a finger around the house, or do any caretaking of the children.

You should even mow the lawn and rake the leaves in the yard.

You didn't go into specifics with regards to how much stuff he has to do for the home and the kids. But I don't think it matters.

Lighten his load as best you can.

And I agree that his current workload is unacceptable. Better to live in an apartment with love and happiness; than feel caught in a financial trap, suffocating trying to afford a house.

Maybe you weren't quite ready for a house yet? It's okay to admit that.
 
#15 ·
Since he works like a dog outside of the home, and you don't work outside the home at all: he shouldn't have to lift a finger around the house, or do any caretaking of the children.

You should even mow the lawn and rake the leaves in the yard.

You didn't go into specifics with regards to how much stuff he has to do for the home and the kids. But I don't think it matters.

Lighten his load as best you can.

And I agree that his current workload is unacceptable. Better to live in an apartment with love and happiness; than feel caught in a financial trap, suffocating trying to afford a house.

Maybe you weren't quite ready for a house yet? It's okay to admit that.
what's more important, marriage or a house, or frugality?

maybe show him this thread, might wake him up.
 
#14 ·
While his work ethic is admirable, he needs to come to the understanding that this is killing his marriage. Soon he wont have that to work for if he keeps this up. He really should let you work part time instead of him, I think it would be good for you both. Not sure how old your children are, but once both are in school, you should definitely find work. There must be someplace in your budget you could make some cuts...
 
#16 ·
I have tried talking many times to him, he is very understanding and tells me he gets what I am saying. I feel heard and respected when we discuss it. However, nothing.ever.changes. Or if it does, it is for literally one day (or that same day only!). I just am at a loss. I love him and want to be happy and fulfilled.
Please work with him.

I too did this [schedule] for 12 years. 7pm to 7am, 7 days a week, 2 weeks vacation. The only time off is when I went off on weekends with the Military, or vacations. The money rolled in, the romance was hit-miss. We had young children. They lacked for nothing and went to private schools.

Luckily I was HD and the Energizer Bunny, incarnate.

He is not. Get him to change jobs. You do not want to lose your marriage over his work schedule.

Get him to a doctor. Check all his vitals and do a complete work-up on blood....everything.

Check his testosterone levels.
 
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