icecube, that is too bad I am sorry to hear it, I know how much it is hurting you. For me one of the hardest parts was accepting that she really was just "checked out" especially after I found out it wasn't entirely that simple, that her feelings of being done with the marriage were largely fueled by the rush she got from cheating. I still don't believe she was truly checked out, and am now fine with the fact that I will never know for sure because I just chose to let go, and whatever she has chosen is now entirely her problems to deal with - I have enough problems on my plate to deal with, some from the daily grind of life and much of what she saddled me with - I don't really have the strength of will to cope with her problems too. And it can be a big relief once you let go, so I hope you can find yourself in all of this, counselling/therapy can be a huge benefit which I advise you do...
And if she starts to backpedal and show remorse, make sure it is genuine and for her poor decision (not for getting caught), before you even consider offering her reconciliation. Don't let her blame you in any way for her bad choice, and don't sweep this under the rug if you both say you want to save your marriage - the marriage you had is over, you are now essentially a free man able to make whatever decision you need and want for yourself, whether that means starting again with her, being single or even, down the road, looking for someone more deserving of your trust.
Huh, she was cheating. I guess I should have paid attention to what everyne said...
OK now that you know the truth, it is time to undo all of your past assumptions.
First, it is not your fault. Just like we warned you that she was cheating, we will be telling you to not believe anything that she says. She is reinventing history to make you think that you were to blame, when the truth is that she started to find fault rather than work on her marraige when she started to cheat. It is normal to not be perfect, do not let her say otherwise. She cheated not you. She is to blame. You are both 50%/50% to blame for issues in the marraige. She is 100% to blame for cheating.
Second, she is no longer a friend. She must make you a bad person to rationalize what she is doing to you. In doing so she will be able to be cold and calculating in hurting you. This will happen.
Third, see one and two and realize that she will try to use your love for her to get you to drop your guard to her advantage. Among other things, be on the watch for fake remorse and fake R.
sorry to hear this, now you know what you are really dealing with and now you can make the real choice for your self and your daughter.
Just remember you are only at fault for 50 % of the unhealthy marriage, she is 100% at fault for her lies and deciet, she made the choice to betray you, when she could have taken the harder road less traveled and been honest with you from the start. So do not blame your self for her adultory.
Ok, a little back ground into how I found out. The signs were starting to become a little more visible. I am a die hard football fan. She started to take interest in it as well. And never had in 10 years. I was thown off. She was becoming colder and more distant. Last weekend, I watched the game in my mancave, and she had xmas movies on in the bedroom with out daughter, but she had the living room tv on and kept up with the score. Very unlike her. I had been talking to her cousin, who said if you had tried harder a month ago maybe you wouldn't be in this boat. So I was pretty much sure something was up. I confronted her, she lied. I went to counseling, she went in a seperate session, more for my benefit so the counselor knew what approach to take with me. She said she wasn't in love and wanted to move on.
Well, I was ok with that, sucked, but figured I would stick out the holidays, go through counseling and hope for the best, and accept the worst. Then I got an offer from the cell company to upgrade our plan because of overages and out of network textes. I knew her 2 of her cousins were out of network so I looked at the calls and there were 3 out of network numbers. And one of them had times that just fell into the only times I wasn't around. She had a new friend on facebook she knew from highschool, a few months ago. I was skeptical, but didn't want to be controlling... So I let it go, I had a friend call the new number, it was the FB friend. I confronted her. She admitted to "talking" to him and meeting him once, for lunch. But it is not a relationship. I don't know exactly how long its been, I don't think its a physical relationship but certainly emotional and at this point I don't believe a word she says anyway. Its time to figure out the logistics, but that will take a while. I need to get through counceling a little before I can be mature in talking about our future. But my guard is way up.
No more spying. No more evidence needed. She's done. I knew this marriage was over before the cheating was revealed.
OP. I consider you the luckiest man alive. Looking back, I figured my wife checked out of my marriage as many as 15 years ago. She never told me. I had to drag it out of her over the past two years when I tried to fix a 3 year "rut" in my marriage. We have 3 teen kids now. I'm too old to start over. I'm stuck.
If my wife came to me 15 years ago and said the things to me yours is saying to you, it would have killed me, like it is you. But look at me know. That is the pathetic lonely bitter man you could have become if your wife didn't save you with this pronouncement of hers.
You're young. Do the 180. Make yorself abetter person for you and your daughter. And 15 years from now, count your blessings that you are with a wonderful woman who chose to love you for who you are.
Thanks MrK. Its going to take some time to get there, hopefully after the holidays things will start to look up. I think I got a couple tough weeks ahead of me. But I am done and moving on now. I got to try to let the kid have a good xmas, break the news to her and figure out what I want to do next.
some phones you can actually retrieve texts that were deleted
I don't care what she said in the texts. The fact that she said anything is good enough for me. The fact that she met him for a conversation face to face is enough. If I start reading them I will really begin to hate her and that can not be healthy for the kid. I need to accept her for what she is, not believe a word she says, find a lawyer who is in it for me and deal with her as best I can for the time being till I fix me.