General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I've read through the posts on the board, and some advice was helpful and some not. I'm lost. I was told yesterday by my wife of 10 years she wants a divorce. She said we are best friends. She said she tried to love me but doesn't. This all came out of no where (well to me). We never fight. Ever. She said I am controlling, which I never thought about, but I guess I can be. I am not abusive at all. But I do probably call too much and I do like to know where she is. She said I don't have too many issues, just a few things I need to change, but it seems like she is just done. She doesn't want to allow me to change, or go to counceling. We have a 7 year old daughter who I can't begin to think of not seeing every morning. I asked her what she would feel if I saw another girl and she said it would be fine if I was happy, which killed me. I don't feel the same. Looking back I can see a lot of the things I did that were neglective, not paying attention. I have been miserible at work and I am kind of unhappy, and I think it brought her down. I'm hopeless, but wondering if there is anything I can do. I mean I see so many guys cheating and being mean and they get try after try. I am a good dad and I try to be a good husband, it stinks I have to be dumped.
I've read through the posts on the board, and some advice was helpful and some not. I'm lost. I was told yesterday by my wife of 10 years she wants a divorce. She said we are best friends. She said she tried to love me but doesn't. This all came out of no where (well to me). We never fight. Ever. She said I am controlling, which I never thought about, but I guess I can be. I am not abusive at all. But I do probably call too much and I do like to know where she is. She said I don't have too many issues, just a few things I need to change, but it seems like she is just done. She doesn't want to allow me to change, or go to counceling. We have a 7 year old daughter who I can't begin to think of not seeing every morning. I asked her what she would feel if I saw another girl and she said it would be fine if I was happy, which killed me. I don't feel the same. Looking back I can see a lot of the things I did that were neglective, not paying attention. I have been miserible at work and I am kind of unhappy, and I think it brought her down. I'm hopeless, but wondering if there is anything I can do. I mean I see so many guys cheating and being mean and they get try after try. I am a good dad and I try to be a good husband, it stinks I have to be dumped.
1. Let her go
2. Sincere apology in your part of her disconnect. Write the apology out and give it to her.
3. Let her know that you are on a journey to become a "better man" for yourself and thank her for the years you shared. Tell her you want her to be happy.
4. Let her know she is always welcome to reconsider and that you would prefer to keep the family intact but you respect her wishes if thats what she really wants.
5. Ask her if its ok to check in with her about discoveries you found along the way...Tell her and do them. If she says no..give her a card she can use anytime to get an update.
6. Learn all you can about women's needs
7. Be upbeat and happy...NOT NEEDY.
8. Snoop for an affair
9. If affair found...immediate 180
10. Give it time
11. If she is still around at six months... start dating her again for her to get to know the new "improved" you
12. Let her come back to you.
Good luck! Let her do all the work for the divorce... don't assist her. Give her time to reconsider..she might
I've read through the posts on the board, and some advice was helpful and some not. I'm lost. I was told yesterday by my wife of 10 years she wants a divorce. She said we are best friends. She said she tried to love me but doesn't. This all came out of no where (well to me). We never fight. Ever. She said I am controlling, which I never thought about, but I guess I can be. I am not abusive at all. But I do probably call too much and I do like to know where she is. She said I don't have too many issues, just a few things I need to change, but it seems like she is just done. She doesn't want to allow me to change, or go to counceling. We have a 7 year old daughter who I can't begin to think of not seeing every morning. I asked her what she would feel if I saw another girl and she said it would be fine if I was happy, which killed me. I don't feel the same. Looking back I can see a lot of the things I did that were neglective, not paying attention. I have been miserible at work and I am kind of unhappy, and I think it brought her down. I'm hopeless, but wondering if there is anything I can do. I mean I see so many guys cheating and being mean and they get try after try. I am a good dad and I try to be a good husband, it stinks I have to be dumped.
Sounds like she has found someone else. In that case one would have to stop that affair before you can work on the marriage. Typically in these situations men will start blaming themselves and / or focusing on the blame that comes from the wife. We all have things we need to work on.
The best friend thing is common. Very often when a WS has found another to be "in love" with. Married Man Sex Life is an interesting resource about this type of thing. Also take a look at the Men's section as it relates to manning up and being a Nice-Guy. See how much of this relates to your situation.
That said, it sounds like she may be done. Did this come out of the blue or has there been a dialogue before this?
I asked her what she would feel if I saw another girl and she said it would be fine if I was happy, which killed me.
She is saying that having a relationship outside of marriage is OK if it makes you happy. This coupled with the you are "controlling" comment and her finding fault with you out of the blue is a clear red flag that she already has a lover.
She is saying that having a relationship outside of marriage is OK if it makes you happy. This coupled with the you are "controlling" comment and her finding fault with you out of the blue is a clear red flag that she already has a lover.
You said you called too much and wanting to know where she is. That's because your gut instinct told you that something is up. When she said she tried to love you, it's because she loves somebody else and try to see if she can feel the same for you. She doesn't care if you see another girl because she's seeing another man. No woman would just, out of the blue, wanting a divorce. She won't go to counseling because she found her new love and doesn't want to continue with the old one.
She is saying that having a relationship outside of marriage is OK if it makes you happy. This coupled with the you are "controlling" comment and her finding fault with you out of the blue is a clear red flag that she already has a lover.
yes, I agree with this. I generally don't like to generalize (well, ok maybe a little) but your W is following the cheater's script.
My W followed the exact same script and also said the EXACT same things. I too was a good dad and tried to be a good husband and man, but wasn't really given a chance, the jerks get second chances because they are selfish and there is some sort of primitive attraction that women find in that.
icecube, you need to stop her affair first and that means stop accepting her excuses, you are not controlling you have been trying to make it work, any other problems she has are HER problems and her way of dealing with them has been infidelity. Start looking through her cellphone logs, computer history and find more evidence because when you start to learn that she has been leading a sceond life she will only feed you tidbits of truth (you will never get the whole truth from her, you will have to find it yourself).
In my case, my W was done and checked out AND having her affair, when I found out she trickle-truthed me, blameshifted and started rewriting our history. It took awhile for me to sort through it all but I realized that she wasn't able or willing to check back in. Once you bust up your W's affair then you can gauge what she is capable of, then decide if you want to offer her reconciliation or not.
You will get lots of advice on this thread about the 180, surveillance techniques such as VAR under her car seat, hiring a PI etc follow this advise if you can't get to the truth for yourself. And like I said, she will throw all kinds of dirt at you, when you realize this is part of the script you will see her words for what they are: her pathetic attempt at justifying her immoral choice in her own mind. Rise way above that, get a lawyer to draft up a separation agreement which you will serve to her if she wavers any more from her committment to the marriage...
She is not having an affair. We are home bodies, she works and then comes home. I asked her that because when I was trying to land her years ago, she didn't show a ton of interest and I went on a blind date. That drove her nuts and she decided she wanted me. So I asked her to see if she would feel that same reaction, or if she wouldn't care.
We started talking about things in September, had a few nice dates, but she didn't feel the passion I did. She wants me in her life. She doesn't want an intimate/emotional relashionship, so she said. But that was the first time she ever said that. Our kid is a brat. I love her to death but she drains us. My job is tough. I haven't shown the intamacy I should have. But I didn't think it was a deal breaker.
If she goes out its once a month and with family and I know where she is. I just want to know when she is coming home. I am a planner and she isn't.
Start looking through her cellphone logs, computer history and find more evidence because when you start to learn that she has been leading a sceond life she will only feed you tidbits of truth (you will never get the whole truth from her, you will have to find it yourself).
When your wife checks out, there is always someone taking your place. She did not suddenly decide to live in an emotional vacuum. This other person is not always a male and the outside relationship is not always physical, but it always exists and it is always emotional. Someone is replacing her emotional connection with you.
My wife left and returned and we are in counseling. Yesterday in our counselor's office, she was still misrepresenting her situation, trying to protect the guilty and blame culpable accessory persons.
If you can upgrade her phone or computer or both with something newer and better, do this and make sure you have back doors for yourself to review her communications.
I was told yesterday by my wife of 10 years she wants a divorce
We never fight. Ever
We have a 7 year old daughter who I can't begin to think of not seeing every morning
Ask your wife if you can keep the house and keep sole custody of your daughter. Let us know what she says
Ask your wife if you can keep the house and keep sole custody of your daughter. Let us know what she says
She doesn't care about the house and she would let me see our daughter any time I want. She just isn't "in love". And hasn't been. She doesn't want any money. I wish it were all that easy.
She is not having an affair. We are home bodies, she works and then comes home. I asked her that because when I was trying to land her years ago, she didn't show a ton of interest and I went on a blind date. That drove her nuts and she decided she wanted me. So I asked her to see if she would feel that same reaction, or if she wouldn't care.
We started talking about things in September, had a few nice dates, but she didn't feel the passion I did. She wants me in her life. She doesn't want an intimate/emotional relashionship, so she said. But that was the first time she ever said that. Our kid is a brat. I love her to death but she drains us. My job is tough. I haven't shown the intamacy I should have. But I didn't think it was a deal breaker.
If she goes out its once a month and with family and I know where she is. I just want to know when she is coming home. I am a planner and she isn't.
She very well could be having an EA with someone from work. Also it is not uncommon for a WS to make time for the affair. We see this time and again. Spouses claiming thier WS would not have time for an affair. Many have special affair phones and email accounts.
I'm not jumping on the she's a cheater bandwagon... at least not yet anyway.
Let's look at what you heard her tell you.
1) You're controlling
2) You don't have too many issues, just a few things you need to change
3) She doesn't want to go to counseling
You say you don't ever fight. While that sounds good on the surface, it seems to me that you both don't talk to one another either. Your life may have been a series of routines... work, your child, work... no checking in with or connecting with one another. Over long periods of time, this will cause a disconnect. Try not watering a plant for several weeks and see what you got left.
You admit to being unhappy with your work. When have you talked about that with her? You say your child is demanding (most kids are) which most likely drains you both as well emotionally. What's your sex life like? When was the last time you went on vacation with your wife? Dinner out? Have you been on any dates in the last few months?
If you've neglected to connect with your wife, I can see why she said what she said. In her mind and heart she probably gave you a timeline to see an improvement before she made the decision to tell you she wants out. It definitely doesn't come from nowhere. In that timeline she probably has done things you've ignored or dismissed which only affirmed her feelings of wanting to leave you.
My advice is to find out from her when exactly she started feeling disconnected from you. You can piece the rest together then. You'll start recalling opportunities you missed with her and then you will understand a little better why she's feeling like this. She may not want to tell you or talk to you about it... and if that's the case, you have to let her go. It's going to be hard and will hurt like hell, but if she's determined to shut the door on you, it makes no sense trying to force an issue. She already sees you as controlling. Not a good characteristic to have if you want a reconciliation. It doesn't give her much of a voice or say, it's just you doing all the driving, and that's not obviously what she wants.
I'm not jumping on the she's a cheater bandwagon... at least not yet anyway.
Let's look at what you heard her tell you.
1) You're controlling
2) You don't have too many issues, just a few things you need to change
3) She doesn't want to go to counseling
You say you don't ever fight. While that sounds good on the surface, it seems to me that you both don't talk to one another either. Your life may have been a series of routines... work, your child, work... no checking in with or connecting with one another. Over long periods of time, this will cause a disconnect. Try not watering a plant for several weeks and see what you got left.
You admit to being unhappy with your work. When have you talked about that with her? You say your child is demanding (most kids are) which most likely drains you both as well emotionally. What's your sex life like? When was the last time you went on vacation with your wife? Dinner out? Have you been on any dates in the last few months?
If you've neglected to connect with your wife, I can see why she said what she said. In her mind and heart she probably gave you a timeline to see an improvement before she made the decision to tell you she wants out. It definitely doesn't come from nowhere. In that timeline she probably has done things you've ignored or dismissed which only affirmed her feelings of wanting to leave you.
My advice is to find out from her when exactly she started feeling disconnected from you. You can piece the rest together then. You'll start recalling opportunities you missed with her and then you will understand a little better why she's feeling like this. She may not want to tell you or talk to you about it... and if that's the case, you have to let her go. It's going to be hard and will hurt like hell, but if she's determined to shut the door on you, it makes no sense trying to force an issue. She already sees you as controlling. Not a good characteristic to have if you want a reconciliation. It doesn't give her much of a voice or say, it's just you doing all the driving, and that's not obviously what she wants.
I am all ready recalling opportunities I missed. I guess I all ready know why she is feeling the way she is. And I know I can make her happy. I just don't know if I have another chance left, if this was a wake up call that I need to start showing affection, or if she is just done. We don't communicate about this stuff enough. We have, but I never took things seriously. I need to back off and give her space.
Wife said yesterday she is no longer in love 
