General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
SimplyAmorous, I had paragard, I agree, it's fantastic. I was so angry when my doctor insisted I have it removed (for reasons that I now think were unnecessary).
I agree with you about not being able to count on adult children for help when you're older. My parents, for example, had four children. One died. One lives on the opposite coast. One lives in Europe (they live in US). One lives only about 9 hours away but sees them once every 3-4 years because he's a workaholic. They are on their own. My dad is 75 and my mom basically takes care of him. No one takes care of her. They had FOUR and they are about as empty-nesters as you could ever be. At least if they hadn't had children, they might have had the time to cultivate friendships with other people nearby. As it is, they don't even have any friends there.
we never eat nasty child food like chicken fingers (cooking is my passion, so even if I had children, I wouldn't do that, if I'm honest),
HA!!
No one can resist the power of a chicken nugget, mac and cheese and a screaming toddler. It's like trying to resist the Jedi mind trick. My wife and I both love to cook to and we both folded like origami to the toddler diet.
At least if they hadn't had children, they might have had the time to cultivate friendships with other people nearby.
Now that is something I don't understand, I am not so into my kids that we don't see our friends, Nothing would stop our blessid time with FRIENDS..never. I am closer with my friends than any extended family. I encourage my kids to all make lasting freindships also, God I know how important that was for ME growing up, it was a saving grace -even.
And when I have friends over my house, I DO NOT like if my kids hang near us, which they know better, I Shoooo them off, they need to "go play". I even get a little annoyed when the friends I have over have their kids hanging all over them, little girls seem to do this alot , but I can't very well tell them to shoooo, it's not my place.
I also don't like when all parents do is talk about their kids, this bores me to tears, now granted I have been doing it alot the past week on here in a few threads about motherhood, but when I get with other moms or anyone in real life, I like to talk about more interesting things, forget the kids !!
I get along very well with people without kids cause I am fully aware that life has a zillion more interesting things to talk about !!
I thought you were concerned about having mixed children. Now you are not sure if you even want kids in the first place??
I am only trying to understand. Which is it?
My husband and I are a childfree couple. I only use "childfree" on here; most people in my real life would not understand what that means. Being "free" of children implies that they are not wanted or needed. "Childless" means that a person is lacking kids. See the difference?
We are very pleased to have found each other. Next month, my husband will be getting his vasectomy. It will be great not to have to worry about birth control.
Bear in mind that not having children is not a popular choice. Most people will be nosy enough to impose their views on you. I have been called everything from a "baby hater" to "less than a woman." Now I just tell people that we cannot conceive, so that there are no intrusive questions or comments.
My four nieces bring me joy, laughter and pride. However, it is great not to be shackled with the constant responsibility and interruption that children come with.
Ask yourself what your reason for becoming a parent is.
The only reason I would do so is to fit in, which is not a good reason to do anything. I lack the patience and strength to be a good parent. I am far too damaged from my abusive childhood to be a good mother and the idea of pregnancy and birth makes me queasy. I also love the independence and time for each other that would be stolen if we had a baby.
This only happens if you let it. And shackled? lol It's not a prison sentence.
As much as women who don't have kids don't want to be harrassed, women that do have kids don't want to be thought of as 'their life is over' etc because for most of us, it's not!
I never thought of having children when I was younger, ever, babies were some sort of foreign object. Now I have a daughter and she is the most fun, most amazing, greatest thing I have ever done.
If you don't want to have kids because of your own choices that's fine. But please don't think that having a child changes your life in a negative way, because the positives are amazing!
I will admit it's hard for me to comprehend why some people don't want children (apart from medical, emotional issues etc), more to do with money or their time - it's the ultimate sacrifice and changes your view and emotions on everything. To me it is the point of life. BUT that is my view!
My sadness is with those who desperately want children, but cannot conceive. I have seen friends break over it.
Sorry, but I have heard too many negative things from mothers. Not just my own mom, but others that I have known. It was not my intention to offend.
Just as you are allowed to think that having a baby is the point of life, I am allowed to heed the words of mothers in my world. I often hear about how tired they are, how little their husbands help and how much they miss their old lives and freedom. "You are so lucky that you don't have kids! That's why you have a happy marriage!!" I hope that I have helped you to understand where my views come from.
I used the term "shackled" because you can never get away from being a parent, especially if you are a mother.
We have no right to tell each other what to think; I have no control over your mind.
I am glad that being a mother has brought you happiness. In the meantime, please respect that other women may seek joy in other ways.
I love being an aunt; my nieces make me smile and feel like a carefree child again. I also like to give them back and go back to my selfish life.
Just today a FB friend posted that she can't wait to have an empty nest, and she is not ashamed to say that. (Her kids are 2 and 4.) She also said that they drive her to actual insanity and she can't wait til they're gone. She said (in jest, but she said it) that she wanted to kill herself just to end the insanity caused by her 2 yr old. At least once a week she posts something about how she is going to spend the "ONE HOUR this entire week that I have to myself".
I grew up with this girl and when we were little, she dreamed of being a mom. She wanted three kids. Now she has two and can't wait to get rid of them. She also posts regularly about how her husband never helps and she "is a single parent ALL week until the weekend, every week". 100% of our interaction is on FB, I don't think she has time to talk on the phone. I've asked if she would like me to call her and she has said that she would but doesn't have time. So either she's avoiding me (I don't think she is) or she really honestly doesn't have time. So for now, all I know comes from FB.
I think there are a lot of women out there like my friend. Sometimes I think being a mother would be fun and fulfilling, but then I think about this friend and realize I don't want to put my marriage at risk over something like that.
Talk to your friend in a couple of years. I am guessing she will be telling you that her kids are the best thing that ever happened to her.
Well, yes, of course, if she didn't, she wouldn't have a normally functioning self-defense system, which everyone does. This is why we always remember the good stuff and block out the bad stuff.
But is she truly a happy person? No. She is very unhappy, depressed, and apparently has suicidal ideation although I don't know if she means it. I know that when people talk about suicide you're not supposed to just ignore it. But she could just be looking for attention, I suppose
Her husband has been distancing himself from her at light speed. I can predict the next chapter, but I can't even get her on the phone to warn her to put at least 1% of her time into her marriage.
My husband and I feel the same. We've been together since were seventeen. We have never said we dont want children but just kept saying to ourselves that we had plenty of time to have kids, we're now 29 and still no kids
I know people can still have kids when they're forty but we originally (when we were 21) thought we would have our first no later than 28 and then wait a few years and have another.
I know its not too late but we still feel we're not ready, time has just crept up on us and to be honest I think we both feel like saying we'll wait another couple years but at the same time feel we shouldnt
I just thought at 29 if someone asked 'do I want kids' the answer would be a definite yes but......thats not happening, its not that easy.
I think our parents are trying hard not to say anything but I do notice how there stories seem to include the line...'when you have kids...'
My older brother just comes out with it and reminds me that my parents are both in their sixties just now
Sorry, but I have heard too many negative things from mothers. Not just my own mom, but others that I have known. It was not my intention to offend.
Just as you are allowed to think that having a baby is the point of life, I am allowed to heed the words of mothers in my world. I often hear about how tired they are, how little their husbands help and how much they miss their old lives and freedom. "You are so lucky that you don't have kids! That's why you have a happy marriage!!" I hope that I have helped you to understand where my views come from.
I used the term "shackled" because you can never get away from being a parent, especially if you are a mother.
We have no right to tell each other what to think; I have no control over your mind.
I am glad that being a mother has brought you happiness. In the meantime, please respect that other women may seek joy in other ways.
I love being an aunt; my nieces make me smile and feel like a carefree child again. I also like to give them back and go back to my selfish life.
Yes, but since you aren't a mother, you cannot say it's "shackled" just like I cannot say you're missing something in your life. It's all about choices and one is not better than the other. I don't miss my freedom ...in fact, I have tons. I married a man who is helpful...again, my choice. Not all women make good choices in a mate and that is where the problem lies, not with the kids.
Also, you hear a lot of negatives because moms have to vent at times Just like anyone you have to spend time with (whose personality you didn't choose), you're going to have issues! lollll I could go on and on about the kids in my class (negatives) because I'm dealing with 31 personalities that may or may not clash with mine. It doesn't mean I hate my job.
And a happy marriage isn't about having kids or not having kids. It's about making the marriage the first priority and many women/men don't do that, so they have a sad marriage.
My parents weren't shackled with me forever. They raised me to be independent and to figure things out on my own. I appreciate that about my upbringing. I can't remember a time after I moved out (when I was 19 for college) that I burdened my parents with my problems. That's just not how it's done in my family.
I notice you get very defensive about women who enjoy being a mother. I am sorry if you get a lot of flack from mothers who think you are 'wasting your life' without children. That's not my view at all. You have a happy life because of your choices and us moms have a good life because of ours. Not really comparable, imo.
Just today a FB friend posted that she can't wait to have an empty nest, and she is not ashamed to say that. (Her kids are 2 and 4.) She also said that they drive her to actual insanity and she can't wait til they're gone. She said (in jest, but she said it) that she wanted to kill herself just to end the insanity caused by her 2 yr old. At least once a week she posts something about how she is going to spend the "ONE HOUR this entire week that I have to myself".
I grew up with this girl and when we were little, she dreamed of being a mom. She wanted three kids. Now she has two and can't wait to get rid of them. She also posts regularly about how her husband never helps and she "is a single parent ALL week until the weekend, every week". 100% of our interaction is on FB, I don't think she has time to talk on the phone. I've asked if she would like me to call her and she has said that she would but doesn't have time. So either she's avoiding me (I don't think she is) or she really honestly doesn't have time. So for now, all I know comes from FB.
I think there are a lot of women out there like my friend. Sometimes I think being a mother would be fun and fulfilling, but then I think about this friend and realize I don't want to put my marriage at risk over something like that.
I hear these stories and cannot fathom thinking this way. Life is life. Choices we make give us the life we have. Raising children isn't easy but life isn't easy. I think many women think they have to be supermom and that will drain any person to say they can't wait for their kids to move out (when the kids aren't even out of diapers yet).
I have been a mom for 12 years. 7 of those years I was single. It wasn't easy, but it was far from horrible I took time and still take time for myself and it's a healthy balance. I am not supermom, nor do i want to be. I'm just enjoying the life I made from the choices I made. Kids are just people. They won't be perfect and they need guidance. But if momma isn't happy, ain't no body happy LOL As a mom, you gotta remember yourself and who you were before the little ones came along. I wear a lot of hats. My favorite hat is "wife". After that, the rest just falls into place.
I applaud anyone who has a happy life, no matter their choices. Kids, no kids-- makes no difference to me. We are still women and have a lot to offer one another. One of my best friends doesn't have kids, nor is she married and she doesn't want to do either. Kudos to her! She rocks and when we get together, watch out!!
Well, yes, of course, if she didn't, she wouldn't have a normally functioning self-defense system, which everyone does. This is why we always remember the good stuff and block out the bad stuff.
But is she truly a happy person? No. She is very unhappy, depressed, and apparently has suicidal ideation although I don't know if she means it. I know that when people talk about suicide you're not supposed to just ignore it. But she could just be looking for attention, I suppose
Her husband has been distancing himself from her at light speed. I can predict the next chapter, but I can't even get her on the phone to warn her to put at least 1% of her time into her marriage.
And this, again, is about choices. There is a TON of mommy guilt that mothers carry. They find it hard to find a balance between mommy and sexkitten In turn, it does cause a disconnection and depression. Again, NOT because of the children, but because of the choices they are making. Many mothers think they have to do everything for their kids and if they don't, then they have failed as a mom. They run themselves into the ground and forget themselves all together...how depressing is that?
I lost that for a while...but I simply wasn't doing anything because of health issues. Depression is a horrible thing. But I got my priorities back and things fall into place.
Children don't need as much as parents are giving these days. Parents give too much of themselves. And in turn, they lose themselves. Then the children move out and you look at your mate and say, "who the hell are you?" I learned that from my family so I work to not be in that category. Parents helicopter over their children well into adulthood! I don't understand this either! My children know life is about choices...good or bad. You learn from both and make other choices accordingly.
But I'm a bad mommy tonight I just put my 3 year old down early because I am official "done" for the day. Whatever. She can't tell time.
And this, again, is about choices. There is a TON of mommy guilt that mothers carry. They find it hard to find a balance between mommy and sexkitten In turn, it does cause a disconnection and depression. Again, NOT because of the children, but because of the choices they are making. Many mothers think they have to do everything for their kids and if they don't, then they have failed as a mom. They run themselves into the ground and forget themselves all together...how depressing is that?
I lost that for a while...but I simply wasn't doing anything because of health issues. Depression is a horrible thing. But I got my priorities back and things fall into place.
Children don't need as much as parents are giving these days. Parents give too much of themselves. And in turn, they lose themselves. Then the children move out and you look at your mate and say, "who the hell are you?" I learned that from my family so I work to not be in that category. Parents helicopter over their children well into adulthood! I don't understand this either! My children know life is about choices...good or bad. You learn from both and make other choices accordingly.
But I'm a bad mommy tonight I just put my 3 year old down early because I am official "done" for the day. Whatever. She can't tell time.
You make excellent points, I have seen this "mommy guilt" thing so much in the past 5 years (i.e., now that my peer group has become parents). This girl in particular has a huge dose of it because her 4 yr old has autism (quite severely as she describes it, again, it could just be her looking for attention, sometimes I suspect he's just an Aspie and she's just trying to get sympathy, this is standard for her lately) - anyway, she posted that dealing with her son's autism is like dealing with "a death in the family." She posts that she feels to blame even though she knows she isn't. Etc.
I agree that many parents try to do too much, but you try to convince the mother of a special needs / autistic kid that they should spend less time parenting and more time on their marriage. Even though it's true. She won't buy it. She might nod along with it, but that's where it stops.
And considering how many of the girls I grew up with have autistic kids, there must have been something in the water, it's a crazy high percentage of us, so no offense to the autistic kids out there, but I think I'll just sit that one out.
Re: To have children or not to have children 
I lack the patience and strength to be a good parent. I am far too damaged from my abusive childhood to be a good mother and the idea of pregnancy and birth makes me queasy. I also love the independence and time for each other that would be stolen if we had a baby.
Just like anyone you have to spend time with (whose personality you didn't choose), you're going to have issues! lollll I could go on and on about the kids in my class (negatives) because I'm dealing with 31 personalities that may or may not clash with mine. It doesn't mean I hate my job.
