General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
But is she truly a happy person? No. She is very unhappy, depressed, and apparently has suicidal ideation although I don't know if she means it. I know that when people talk about suicide you're not supposed to just ignore it. But she could just be looking for attention, I suppose
Her husband has been distancing himself from her at light speed. I can predict the next chapter, but I can't even get her on the phone to warn her to put at least 1% of her time into her marriage.
My mother's depression (which lasted on/off for years) began as Postpartum depression.
One of my closest friends after the birth of her first, also suffered depression. After hearing my mother's stories, I recognized what was going on with my friend as a result - even though she lives in a different state. She didn't know what was wrong with her. I was phoning her in my lunch-break nearly every day for a short time before I decided that I needed to see her. Jumped on a plane the first chance I had to visit. She seemed "okay" (and I use that word loosely) around her husband but when he took us out for lunch with the baby, she went more quiet than normal and excused herself to the bathroom. I followed and sure enough, she burst into tears in my arms. She didn't want to express how she was feeling to her husband because she didn't feel that's how new mothers were supposed to be. She did end up talking to someone and getting some help. Knowing what my mother went through, I also encouraged her to speak up to her family so they could be there for her. She's the type that takes on everything, even if she's silently crumbling on the inside, and those around her could easily be clueless. They now have two children and she's a fantastic mother.
I hope you can be there for your friend, in whatever way she needs.
Hey there, I cant have children (due to infertility) BUT after 2 years of dealing with the loss it has been somewhat of a real blessing because if you go out and see the children of today they tend to be very bratty...and the thing is parents tend to do NOTHING about it! We have 2 very sweet dogs (much better then children any day) You Need to do pro/cons with your spouse and not let your friends and family tell you what to do this is a HUGE decison and it cannot be left up to family to make up for you...people who have children that really dont want them are the type of people who recent their children and a child or children don;t need that, it isn;t their fault that people have children by "mistake" and then the people who made that child forgot to use protection. THIS HAS TO BE YOUR CHOICE! Don't let all the "Mothers" tell you its the biggest blessing in the world either....its expensive,stressful,your house is ALWAYS messy, you never have YOU time, and so on. I am also a Nanny (unemployed at the moment) I don't hate children by any means im just telling you what it will be like as a parent (Ive lived in as a live in Nanny too) People like to say that children make a marrriage stronger too....it can also put a HUGE strain on a marriage because you litterally have NO "us" time unless your willing to pay someone and unless you want a teenager who dosent have a clue what their doing its gona cost you!!!! Best of Luck!!!
Thank you, I was starting to feel like I was a lunatic for not having any children at my age. ha
Hi, I had my daughter when I was 35. She's almost 6 now and she is my world.
I knew when I was a little girl that one day, I'd want a child. I've always LOVED babies, and all children. They bring so much joy into your heart and life. She's the main reason that I truly have Christmas spirit and it gets stronger every year. Before having her, I didn't really look forward to Christmas (for my own personal reasons).
I know one thing, if you have ANY desire in your heart to have a baby, that will never go away no matter what type of future you plan for (childless or not). If you have NO desire for kids, that won't change either.
I don't think that wanting to have children is a "gray" area; you either want them or you don't.
I always wanted kids but it can change (dispite what Southern wife says) Things somtimes happen beyound your choice and theirs nothing you can do. Christmas isnt just about children its about giving to charites, spending time with family (not just those who have kids but those like your parents, brothers and sister aunties and uncles.) I think its a pretty sad society this world that people have to feel self worth made apone wiether ur a mum or dad, Theirs other ways to make a differnce in a childs life, if you dont want to have a child theirs fostering, adoption, Big sistering, working at a hospital etc! I have 5 neices and a newphew and they adore me! Don't let people fool you about how parenting is the "bigggest joy." it has alot of "downs" too.
I always wanted kids but it can change (dispite what Southern wife says) Things somtimes happen beyound your choice and theirs nothing you can do.
Christmas isnt just about children
Don't let people fool you about how parenting is the "bigggest joy." it has alot of "downs" too.
Big difference in CANNOT have and DON'T WANT children!
I never stated "Christmas was just about children". I simply said that having my daughter in my life puts me in TRUE Christmas spirit every year.
And I also didn't say kids bring "biggest joy"; but they do bring so much joy to so many people that have them. Read through this entire thread, and you'll see what most Mom's have said.
Sure having kids can sometimes cause pain, and they can be a PITA, but the joy FAR outweighs any of that.
You need to READ and see the meaning of what's written before responding!
You make excellent points, I have seen this "mommy guilt" thing so much in the past 5 years (i.e., now that my peer group has become parents). This girl in particular has a huge dose of it because her 4 yr old has autism (quite severely as she describes it, again, it could just be her looking for attention, sometimes I suspect he's just an Aspie and she's just trying to get sympathy, this is standard for her lately) - anyway, she posted that dealing with her son's autism is like dealing with "a death in the family." She posts that she feels to blame even though she knows she isn't. Etc.
I agree that many parents try to do too much, but you try to convince the mother of a special needs / autistic kid that they should spend less time parenting and more time on their marriage. Even though it's true. She won't buy it. She might nod along with it, but that's where it stops.
And considering how many of the girls I grew up with have autistic kids, there must have been something in the water, it's a crazy high percentage of us, so no offense to the autistic kids out there, but I think I'll just sit that one out.
That is interesting about the amount of autism amongst your friends' children. I know one person with an autistic child. Interesting.
I always wanted kids but it can change (dispite what Southern wife says) Things somtimes happen beyound your choice and theirs nothing you can do. Christmas isnt just about children its about giving to charites, spending time with family (not just those who have kids but those like your parents, brothers and sister aunties and uncles.) I think its a pretty sad society this world that people have to feel self worth made apone wiether ur a mum or dad, Theirs other ways to make a differnce in a childs life, if you dont want to have a child theirs fostering, adoption, Big sistering, working at a hospital etc! I have 5 neices and a newphew and they adore me! Don't let people fool you about how parenting is the "bigggest joy." it has alot of "downs" too.
Everything in life has ups and downs. If you think something will be roses all the time, you will always be disappointed.
The one thing I hate about having children is other people who have children. LOL Other moms just love to judge other moms about everything.
"Oh your child still uses a bottle? Wow. Johnny has been off the bottle since he was 8 months. Now he chews steak." My daughter was 1.
"Oh your daughter isn't potty trained? Johnny's been using the toilet since birth. He's a genius." My duaghter still isn't potty trained 100%. Who cares. She won't go to college in diapers.
"Oh you let your child watch TV? Don't you care about her brain?" No. In fact, I said, I wonder how I can destroy her brain the fastest.
I had to leave a Mommy Chat Board because of this. I don't give a rat's arse what other mom's do with their kids, so long as it's not abusive. But I think other moms may judge because they think they are 100% right OR they question their own parenting.
I just do what I do. My kids are fine and well adjusted to life.
Being a parent is awesome. Being a parent sucks. It's both at different times, but...either you want to commit or you don't and that's such a personal decision and not one I would ever judge.
Hey there, I cant have children (due to infertility) BUT after 2 years of dealing with the loss it has been somewhat of a real blessing because if you go out and see the children of today they tend to be very bratty...and the thing is parents tend to do NOTHING about it! We have 2 very sweet dogs (much better then children any day) You Need to do pro/cons with your spouse and not let your friends and family tell you what to do this is a HUGE decison and it cannot be left up to family to make up for you...people who have children that really dont want them are the type of people who recent their children and a child or children don;t need that, it isn;t their fault that people have children by "mistake" and then the people who made that child forgot to use protection. THIS HAS TO BE YOUR CHOICE! Don't let all the "Mothers" tell you its the biggest blessing in the world either....its expensive,stressful,your house is ALWAYS messy, you never have YOU time, and so on. I am also a Nanny (unemployed at the moment) I don't hate children by any means im just telling you what it will be like as a parent (Ive lived in as a live in Nanny too) People like to say that children make a marrriage stronger too....it can also put a HUGE strain on a marriage because you litterally have NO "us" time unless your willing to pay someone and unless you want a teenager who dosent have a clue what their doing its gona cost you!!!! Best of Luck!!!
Come to my house My house is cleaned every evening. I have "me" time all the time. My marriage is fine...the problems we had were nothing to do with the children. Is it expensive? I guess...but I haven't noticed. I'm not stressed either
Stop using extremes. Absolutes are generally wrong. Again, it's all about choices and finding a good balance. This is not brain surgery.
And what's with the "" around mothers? Are we not really mothers? I don't get it. I'm a mother. So what. I don't get the..."mothers". LOL
The one thing I hate about having children is other people who have children. LOL Other moms just love to judge other moms about everything.
"Oh your child still uses a bottle? Wow. Johnny has been off the bottle since he was 8 months. Now he chews steak." My daughter was 1.
"Oh your daughter isn't potty trained? Johnny's been using the toilet since birth. He's a genius." My duaghter still isn't potty trained 100%. Who cares. She won't go to college in diapers.
"Oh you let your child watch TV? Don't you care about her brain?" No. In fact, I said, I wonder how I can destroy her brain the fastest.
I had to leave a Mommy Chat Board because of this. I don't give a rat's arse what other mom's do with their kids, so long as it's not abusive. But I think other moms may judge because they think they are 100% right OR they question their own parenting.
I just do what I do. My kids are fine and well adjusted to life.
Being a parent is awesome. Being a parent sucks. It's both at different times, but...either you want to commit or you don't and that's such a personal decision and not one I would ever judge.
What's even WORSE, is people that DON'T have kids telling you how to raise your kids, what you should be / should not be doing, yada yada yada. REALLY PEOPLE? WTF?
This is MY child and I'll do what I think is best for her!
I didn't read any responses but my answer to the OP would be:
If you have to ask, don't have kids.
I recently saw an article about kids. It was something to the effect that having kids is 49% a pain in your ass and 51% the most unexplainable joy. The article talked about how that 1% made all the difference, but another way to look at it is if you're not in the right place, that 1% can skew the other way and you just end up resenting them.
I can tell you, as a parent, that kids are tough. It takes a lot of work and at times it sucks major balls. They CHANGE your life completely. If you enjoy your life and don't want to take that responsiblity, then don't, because you will be miserable and not enjoy it.
Have kids when you are ready, if it's later in life, so be it. My family is Italian, they all start having kids in their 40's. Other people who think you should have kids aren't going to get up with them at 5am and change their poopy diapers and listen to them scream all day when you're stressed out. They aren't going to put up with their shenanigans day after day when they start getting to the button pushing stage.
It will also completely elevate the stress in your marriage. If there's any unresolved issues before kids, they're going to become major problems afterwards, and you're going to feel trapped at that point and that will make it even worse.
Not trying to scare you, but these are the hard realities of kids that no one talks about. I love my kids to death and I consider it the greatest experience of my life, but it can also be extremely stressful and contributed to major depression for my wife.
I honestly didn't have the experience above. My girls were good babies...waking up was no big deal...husband helped too...Yes, life changes, but if you wait until you are ready, you'll be ready for the changes. Unless you still want to go clubbing at 40. I don't know, maybe you do.
That is interesting about the amount of autism amongst your friends' children. I know one person with an autistic child. Interesting.
Actually, it is REALLY weird. I have moved away and live in Europe now, and while I'm still involved in the (tiny) autistic community here, it's practically unheard of here. I used to teach autistic kids in the US and was more up on the research at that time, but even considering how common it is in the US, my childhood area got hit hard. No one seems to know what causes it (aside from the genetic factor which was pretty obvious to me when the parents of my kids would come in and have obvious spectrum characteristics), but my personal experience leads me to believe that something environmental in the mother's/parent's childhood could have something to do with it. I've never seen that suggested anywhere, it's just my idea. But just the small group of girls I hung out with in high school, at least 5 of them have boys on the autism spectrum. (We're talking about a total of like 8-9 girls.)
Re: To have children or not to have children 
Watch out for those thorns!!!! 
I thought the same thing... 
