General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I joined this forum because I have been having this issue nag at me since I got married. My husband and I are both in our early 30's working on advanced degrees and careers so between the both of us, we don't feel ready for children yet. On the other hand, all my friends and family are pressuring me, telling me that I should have kids soon because I'm getting too old, etc. It is getting to the point where I am starting to feel depressed that I will never have children or that we would just be better off planning a future without children. My grandmother was 42 when she had my mother so I know it is possible but I also know it can be risky.
Has anyone here ever gone through this or is living their life childless?
You can have mine for week to try it out Posted via Mobile Device
haha That is the other thing, I don't know if I want to deal with all that but everyone makes it seem like if you don't do it you aren't a real woman or you are missing out on the greatest thing in life.
Very personal decision that only you and your husband can make.
Our kids are the best thing that ever happened to my wife and I. Can't imagine what life would be without them. Can't imagine how we would be spending our time and money because now everything we do is centered around them. We started our family when I was 28.
Looking forward to when then move out and are on their own. They should be on their own by the time I am 53 or so. Most of the looking forward is not about having them gone, but more to seeing what they accomplish, seeing grandchildren, etc.
That is our story, but everyone writes their own. I am sure there are plenty of stories where people have kids later or earlier and all is good. Or couples that have had a great life without having children.
Don't let your family or friends pressure you into doing anything. This a personal decision between you and your husband.
haha That is the other thing, I don't know if I want to deal with all that but everyone makes it seem like if you don't do it you aren't a real woman or you are missing out on the greatest thing in life.
Do not buy into that. Kids are you and your H's decision and yours alone. I love my kids dearly but they change your life like nothing else can. Good and bad. It's like every other relationship in life, there are parts about them you love and other parts not so much. The major difference is as a parent, if you are a decent person, this is the one relationship you can never ever walk away from. You're kids are yours -at least until they're an adult and in reality even beyond that. Spouses can walk away, even kids can walk away from parents; but parents can never walk away from their children - they are with you until the end.
Children are wonderful (mostly) but the do come with the consequence that your life is no longer all about you. Once you have them you can't change your mind.
BTW - my wife and I had our first when I was 31, she 30 after we had been married 5 years. We just had our second while I was 38 and my wife 36. No harm in waiting a bit. I will say that before we had our first I had let it be known that if anyone else in town asked me when we were "going to get started" I was going to punch them in the nose. People are obnoxious if you're married and don't have kids - I think they're jealous to some extent of the freedom.
Pressure from peers/family is the exact WRONG reason to have a kid.
We are childless by choice and plan on remaining that way.
Honestly? Before I clicked on the thread, my knee jerk reaction was "if you're wondering whether or not to have children, you probably shouldn't." It sounds like you and your husband already have full plates to me... if having a child right now would derail your career or finishing your degree... I certainly don't see the benefit. Tell your interfering friends/family to kindly butt out next time they hint at you.
Pressure from peers/family is the exact WRONG reason to have a kid.
We are childless by choice and plan on remaining that way.
Honestly? Before I clicked on the thread, my knee jerk reaction was "if you're wondering whether or not to have children, you probably shouldn't." It sounds like you and your husband already have full plates to me... if having a child right now would derail your career or finishing your degree... I certainly don't see the benefit. Tell your interfering friends/family to kindly butt out next time they hint at you.
Thanks, I have already explained, IN DETAIL, to my mother what we want and why. I'm her first child so she wants grand-kids now that she is pushing 50. I completely understand that but she was 17 when she had me and I had to witness the hardship she went through with a crumbling, abusive marriage. We were homeless living in a car my first year of life following my dad from job to job. I know what the consequences are of having children when you aren't ready. I guess I turned out alright, but I don't want to go through what she did and I want a better life for my future children. If I had to quit school right now to have kids, I would not be happy, my husband would feel the strain and I don't want our marriage to endure that.
And you are right, too, that if I think about it so much then perhaps I shouldn't have kids. I don't feel this overwhelming desire to be a mother. I like kids and sometimes wonder what it would be like to have one of my own but I don't feel like my purpose in life is to have them. I am pretty sure my husband feels the same. Except for him, he is an only child and the only boy in his family so everyone expect him to have boys. HAHA! What a crazy, messed up world we live in.
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Originally Posted by sigma1299
BTW - my wife and I had our first when I was 31, she 30 after we had been married 5 years. We just had our second while I was 38 and my wife 36. No harm in waiting a bit. I will say that before we had our first I had let it be known that if anyone else in town asked me when we were "going to get started" I was going to punch them in the nose. People are obnoxious if you're married and don't have kids - I think they're jealous to some extent of the freedom.
Thanks Sigma. I also love the lines about, oh your marriage won't be the same after kids, or Enjoy your marriage while it lasts because once kids are in the picture it goes downhill. haha
Thanks Sigma. I also love the lines about, oh your marriage won't be the same after kids, or Enjoy your marriage while it lasts because once kids are in the picture it goes downhill. haha
The won't be the same part is 100% true. As for the downhill - I must preface this with 1. that I am very happily married and 2. that I love my kids dealy - do a little reading over in the infidelity section and notice how many affairs are either during a pregnancy or immediately after - myself included. Kids stress a marriage even when it's planned, and it's what everyone wants.
If you don't want children then that is purely you and your husbands choice. there is nothing wrong with not wanting kids.
Having a child is hard (I am not going to lie) They cost money to raise. Raising a child is also the hardest job you can ever have.
I had my first when i was 3 months away from my 16th birthday. I had my 2nd when i was almost 31. Big difference in parenting skills. Granted I did have more energy when i was 15.
You should't be forced by any one to have a child, you have a child because your life wouldn't be complete with out one.
Sounds like you have the right attitude- your own experiences have shown you the perils that could happen if you're not ready... obviously your marriage is more important to you than a supposed biological clock (or your mom's supposed... uh... grandmotherlogical clock).
My old lady feels exactly the same way re: being a mom... she just feels no need to. Altho' I think we'd be pretty good parents if need be... but I must admit that I also feel no burning need to procreate. Frankly, if we ever do have a child, it's very likely that we would adopt.
I agree that married couples with children might be kind of nosy/pushy about the subject because they're a little jealous, deep down. Enjoy your freedom with your hubby and tell everyone else to get bent.
Also? You belong to an elite club- DINK- Double Income, No Kids
I think it is rude for people to be telling couples that they should have children.
But I don't think that everyone who does this, does it because they are jealous of people without children. If I was to tell someone that they should have kids, it would be because I like having kids. It is a positive experience for me.
Most of the parents of my daughter's friends had their daughters after age 35. One couple was well into their forties. Quit listening to what others are saying. You need to do what is best for the two of you. And it's not as urgent as it seems. Maybe you will. Maybe you won't. It is you and your husband's decision. Good luck.
To have children or not to have children 
