MaxPower

I have been happily married for almost six years. My wife and I have been together for a total of eight.

I make a living performing. While it's usually something pretty rough and tumble. I've also been doing some partner aerial work for the past 5 years.

I have a strong background in gymnastics & cheer stunting. I recently met a girl while performing that, also, has a strong gymnastics background and we began experimenting with hand balancing and partner acro.... we're actually half way decent and have sought out further coaching & choreography to put together an act.

My wife, while tolerant of this, has showed plenty of signs of not being pleased by it. I understand why my wife could 'feel' threatened by this girl (we will call her Sue). Sue just graduated college, is tiny (I have to balance, lift, throw her), and she's pretty.

As much as I love my wife, she's just not the build nor the athlete to be a dance/acro partner... or she would be my first choice.

I was honest with my wife from the start and told her when I was going to rehearse with Sue. I've offered to introduce her to Sue. I've never been to Sue's home... she's never been to mine. We've never been to a meal, nor had drinks. We do text frequently, mainly about youtube video performances we've seen and trying to coordinate our next workout. I would definitely call us good friends.

How can I put my wife more at ease with this? I've tried to pay more attention to her. I, also, try to keep my conversations about my practices with Sue to the minimum... although it's hard because I do really enjoy the workouts.

My wife has after a glass or two of wine has expressed that she's not happy with the situation. And, we did have a disagreement the other day where she asked if I would ever "speak like that to Sue"

Anyways, I have to run, but any advice would be appreciated.

DanF

I am not posting this to intentionally offend you, but damn, you're friggin' cheerleader and you're wondering why you wife has a problem?
Seriously, gymnastics and cheerleading are fine through college, but you need to get a real job and be a man.

square1

Is "sue" by any chance single? This may play a factor in your wife being uncomfortable with her. Plus doing this gymnastic stuff you are in close contact/touching this other woman alot. So yeah personally I think i would have a problem with it too. I know I'm uncomfortable with my husbands single female friends he doesn't have too many but I keep a close eye on them. And once one of them does something that crosses that friend zone boundary they are done they have made their intentions known and can not be put back in the friend zone. I'm not listening to any excuses about it being just joking around etc friendship is just over at that point.

Chances are there really isn't anything you can do to make her comfortable with this woman besides cutting off all contact with her and moving on to a new job/hobby

MaxPower

Sorry to stand up for myself for a quick second but my income places me in the top 1% US income bracket. Im also only 6 years away from full pention and union benefits...sorry folks...performing is what I do.

I gave up adagio (partner balancing) 5 years ago when my wife couldnt handle my previous partner. That I understood. The girl was a **** and frequently behaved in appropriately. I got her into a cirque du soleil show and now she travels the world....btw...I never did anything inappropriate with her.

Sue is currently single and we create an intimate illusion, but its just an illusion. Sue is very respectful of my marriage. We are partners...nothing more nothing less. Take dancing with the stars for example. They partner up and sometimes create some pretty sexy dances. I dont believe anyone has yet left their spouse for their dwts partner.

MrK

Hobby or job? Hobby, it's a no-brainer. Your wife didn't sign up for life only to find you enjoy throwing pretty little girls around for fun. So you stop.

Job? That's a little different, but she still may not have signed up for life only to find out you need to throw around pretty little girls for your job.

blissful

i would think that you need to get your wife & sue to meet. maybe if she could speak to her, your W will see that sue isn't a threat at all. maybe arrange for a dinner & ask sue to bring a date.

this is your profession so obviously you need to make this arrangement work. however you can't do that at the expense of your W, so you need to find a medium between the two.

maybe invite your W & kids (if you have them) to come to a rehearsal so that she can see what it's all about. i think that if your W felt more included in the routine she would feel less threatened. maybe ask her opinions on things, like costumes or specific parts of the routines etc. tell her that her opinion is the one you value the most, as you know that she will be most honest with you. maybe that'll set her mind at ease?

Sometimes you not speaking about practice & sue may be more annoying to your W cos it may look like you have something to hide.

that's how i felt when my H started up a business with a friend of his (male). I felt a bit left out, cos suddenly they were looking at renting office spaces, flying off to conferences etc. & I felt like I'm normally the one who is supportive of him for everything but now John's opinion is more impt than mine. i understood that they were business partners but it would have been nice if he included me in some of the decision making, even if it was just to keep me in the loop. maybe this is how your W feels. cos like i said i felt a little jealous of my H's relationship with another man just cos I felt left out!

Almostrecovered

seriously?


what about this job makes him less of a man? I mean wow.

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Almostrecovered

now to Max

Max, it is good that you wish to demonstrate your transparency
I suggest you you allow your wife full access to your phone and texts.
I also suggest that you cut back on the "friendship" part and keep the working relationship as a working relationship. It is good that you won't see her outside of work but the constant texting is crossing the line of what makes your wife comfortable unless it is strictly work related.

Emotional affairs start this way all the time and then will build to physical affairs. I understand exactly why your wife would harbor such feelings right now.

I think a really good conversation about boundaries is in order, really listen to your wife and respect her wishes. Your wife is more important than your work partner, yes? So why make it an issue when you can use this opportunity to show how much you respect the boundaries of your marriage.

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DanF

Seriously.

He's a cheerleader.
Or a dancer?
Gymnast?

There is dividing line for man jobs and wuss jobs.
My wife could never respect a professional cheerleader. maybe it's the Neanderthal coming out, but I just cannot imagine a man in this profession being respected by a woman.

shstrang98

Obviously not appropriate behavior... BUT if the tables were turned and your wife had male co-worker she wouldn't give a DAMN if you liked it or not; you would be expected to accept it.

TRy

And your wife has been honest right back that she does not like it.
Will that always be true? I doubt it, especially if you ever take it on the road.
So you ”text frequently” to a girl that you consider to be “pretty” and that you “call us good friends”, and you wonder why your wife has issues with it? What you are doing is the text book beginning of an emotional affair.

You have a career that put you at the upper 1% income without this OW. Once she becomes part of your career it will only be that much harder to drop her when you wife decided that she has had enough.

LittleLady25

I feel bad for your wife Max.........TBH, I really do. whatever it is hobby or job, she clearly doesnt have a part in it. You say 'sue' texts you regulalry about things you both share an interest in. Your wife must feel left out. Where I do feel its healthy for couples to have seperate interests, it is not healthy where one partner feels threatened by the other persons 'good firend' ...Really listen to your wife if your marriage means anything to you.

hunter_aussie

Really? I did not know this. I thought that men would measure themselves on if they went out and worked to provide money for their families, whatever the job. Not just the 'manly' ones. To me any man that has a job which puts food on the table is a man in my books.

MaxPower

Well.. the majority of my income comes from fighting and training others to fight/look competent in martial arts. Which is way easier than training people in gymnastics or acro/adagio. I am, for lack of a better term, an expert in motion and body mechanics. I do aerial and partner work because it's fun, interesting, complicated, and I get paid for it. You can say whatever you want about my 'man' status.

A simple fact of my industry is that I am frequently working with the latest and hottest 18-25 year old women. There's slightly less turnover amongst the men I work with, but they tend to be young hot shots as well. My wife was well aware of all of this when we were dating.. it has never been any sort of secret. I chose my wife and I made vows to her. I make time for her and show her the attention and affection she deserves.

I'm frequently contracted to work with the women because:
1. I'm not creepy
2. I don't hit on them

Sue has been a pleasure because she also has a highly technical gymnastics background and can hold an intelligent conversation on topics with me that my wife cannot. While my wife and i have a lot of shared interests, conversation topics, and a lot of fun; It's like trying to discuss surgery with someone that isn't a surgeon. My wife has specialized knowledge on topics that I lack as well. I'm not saying she's beneath me by any stretch we are just specialized in different fields. I'm sure she has plenty of co-worker conversations and think tanks that she participates in where I'd be completely lost.

@TRy - I imagine at some point we will have a meal... but I don't drink so that's not an issue. If we did any sort of run with the show, it would only be limited to cirque guest performances a few times a month and maybe at most a 2 - 3 week run somewhere. Unfortunately, there's not enough money to justify making it any sort of cornerstone of my business. What I expect to happen is that we will train for 6 months... have another 6 months of shows off and on, and then she will want to travel with a cirque company and I won't... so she will find a new partner, or I'll train my replacement.

This all brings me full circle to what was my actual problem...

How do I make my wife more secure about the situation?

I'm not changing my profession & I have every intention of continuing to do partner work with Sue. I had stopped doing it years ago because my wife was insecure about the situation and I understood because of the girl that I was working with. It's still very fascinating for me and something I missed and wanted to work harder on.

The intricacy and difficulty of the performances are what make them interesting for me. I like technique and attention to detail. I like working with Sue because she's a nice girl and we're on the same page as far as what we are working towards. She's, also, just as much a perfectionist as I am.

Yes, she's attractive... but she can't NOT be for this type of act. She has the correct body proportions, strength, and flexibility.

My wife is insecure about the situation, which I don't quite get beyond Sue fits in a portion of my life that my wife knows she can't. Also, I don't keep many work related people that I would classify as friends or good friends. I usually keep my work and private life quite separate. However, this situation is slightly different than most of my other work so, I would think I'd get a little latitude since it does require closer collaboration.

No vagina is magical enough to make me cheat on my wife. I'm frequently around a lot of attractive women... I chose my wife & she chose me. I just want to make her more secure....

suggestions on how to make my wife more secure with the situation are welcome...

thank you blissful & almostrecovered. I'll try to keep my texting on the straight and narrow. Sue is very open to meeting my wife and it will happen if and when my wife wants it to.

blissful

i don't think it's up to any of us to judge what anyone does for a living. this a forum about marriage issues, let's try to help him with that.

i'm still of the opinion that if you try to inc your wife in certain aspects of your work- the one's that don't require a huge amt of technical knowledge, just simple stuff like what's your opinion on xyz, then you'll at least get her to a place where she feels part of that aspect of your life. The mistake my H made was that he informed me of decisions rather than consulted with me- it's only a few words different in the conversation but it changes the tone dramatically. if you start to do that then your wife will probably be more likely to agree to dinner