ayanocano

Hello,

I am like many who would like some advice or information on a complicated or what I believe is a strange situation. If possible, I would like advice on whether a previous man that I had a very short fling with is worth trying to get back into my life.

I am 26 and a female. My story is that I had fallen for someone during a long term relationship. I had only known this person, a male, for about 2 months when I started to develop feelings for him. In a nutshell, this person's personality, intelligence, and humor had caused me to develop feelings of excitement, lust, elation, and desire to know more about him. Curiosity got the better of me, and after telling him how I felt, he suggested we just focus on being friends. However, there would still be chatting at work and late night texts that involved more than "how are you?" and "what do you have planned for the weekend?" inquiries. These texts would go on until 3 AM at some points. Little to say, after reflecting on it now, I was mentally having an affair at that point.

After thinking about it, I made the decision to break up with my LTR as it was unfair to keep going on with the charade. Unfortunately, I got too excited and allowed myself to agree to have intercourse with this person a bit too early without any commitment from this other person. From there, my feelings developed into more than I thought would--actual feelings of want, of nurture, and of care. For him, he did not want to proceed as I had hoped, citing (in my opinion, BS reasoning like) not having enough time and that he wasn't as attracted to me as intensely as I was to him and in the way I had wanted. Things cooled. No more texting, but we still chatted almost everyday at work and remained friends. I was very upset, didn't understand what had occurred completely and at one point, we had a drunken conversation where we got emotional. No intercourse, but heated words were exchanged and for a brief period, we did not communicate. Honestly, I believe what caused the fling to end so abruptly was things happened too quickly and at one point, he got the "prize"--me, intimately without much effort--so why come back for more?

We have remained friends so far and I was under the assumption, which he had provided to me, that he was seeing someone else. I started to do the same--I was seeing a former colleague of ours. I didn't think it was something that concerned him. However, at one point, he had found out through other methods that I was dating this ex-colleague and in an effort to confirm it, he had asked me to receive an item that he had in his possession, which would implicate me as being connected to the colleague. After asking him if it bothered him, he informed me that it did not, nor was it his business to. It turns out that he had known about my relationship prior to his confrontation. After that point, he had made insinuations that had set off red flags such as suggesting that someone else was flirting with my boyfriend or making comments about how he himself, was still able to gain attention from other females, as if to insight feelings of jealously. Lately, he has now refrained from chatting me at work and I have not contacted him out of fear that I am bothering him and I don't really have much to say except some vindictive words.

I feel like what bothers me, is that there seems to be more to his cool demeanor than meets the eye. If he did not care that I was with a new person, ex-colleague or not, why ask in the method he had asked? Why bother asking at all? Why insinuate things that can make me feel doubt? I sincerely feel in my gut that he has pulled away out of respect for my new relationship and the only real last communication we had was during Thankgiving when I sent out a mass text, to which he replied with a reply where he hoped my day was going well.

I really think this is all in my head, and that I am grasping at something that is no longer there. I want to get over this person because they are not worth the drama that I put myself through, but I am still attracted to what we had for the brief period when we were more than friends and ultimately, I remember the person who I was very attracted to and had wanted to really get to know.

Any feedback/advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you and I am glad I found this forum.

blissful

i'm gonna be blunt- if this guy wanted to be your boyfriend he would have by now.

obviously he's not interested. the reason why he's insinuating things abot your current bf & why he's trying to subltely determine the nature of the realtionship between you, is because having you hanging around like a puppy dog is an ego boost.

you're his plan c or d. you're nice to have around just in case. and he gets to put a "friendship" label on it, so that he can keep seeing other people. all he has to do is shown you a bare minimum amount of attention to keep you around. lucky guy. he seems to have you exactly where he wants you.

his behaving this way not because you had sex with him too soon. if you held out he would have told you the relationship won't work cos you're frigid. he is behaving like this cos he's a jerk who enjoys having you around as a back up plan. now he's trying to ruin any chance of finding happiness with anyone else.

if i was you i would tell him that your current relationship is not up for discussion with him. draw some boundaries with him & get some distance between you guys. otherwise i can promise you anoher year or two is gonna go by, & you'e still gonna be getting these mixed signals from him,

As'laDain

pretty much hit the nail on the head.

ayanocano

Thank you for those that replied. I thought about it, and I may have agree that this may have turned into the cold hearted truth--I may have gotten used as a backup. It sucks, and it's not fun to hear. It's heartbreaking, but I guess, it happens. You don't mean for it to be...or at least I didn't...It sucks.

EleGirl

I agree with the others. You don't need this nonsense drama in your life. In a few months you will probably wonder what you ever saw in him.

blissful

i know it must be heartbreaking, but think of it like this, isn't it better for you to know now, rather than waiting around for another couple of months.

who knows while you're waiting around for this fool, you're probably missing out on a great guy who would respect you & treat you properly.

if i was in your position, i would limit contact with him to an absoloute minimum so that you give yourself some time to heal.

with EleGirl

ayanocano

Thank you for your honesty. I think that after a few months, I may see him in a different light. I know that I do now and that it is...not as positive. I feel like a big fool, you know?

Thank you Blissful. You may be right. I do feel like I am waiting around for really, nothing on his end to change. I know that this is gonna sound corny, but I really really appreciate that you said that it is heartbreaking, because to me it is. It's hard to think that something so intense was able to fizzle into a fling, which was the opposite of what I wanted.

You are right in that I was missing out on some one else who could possibly provide me with something that both this man and my previous relationship didn't provide me with and that I was too scared to realize.

Recently we met up for a mutual friend's get together and it was so strange. It was as if nothing had changed, friendship wise, except for the fact that I couldn't forget that we had been intimate. I wanted to just hold his hand, out of like reflex, but stopped myself and boy was it not as hard to do that. I was surprised, but not surprised at my reaction.

I hope he enjoyed the hug he got out of me, because for once, I didn't mind letting go.

Thanks again for those that have replied. This is really helpful and I appreciate it!