Weird Responses
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Old 12-02-2011, 10:36 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Weird Responses

Hi All
I've made some other posts if you want to see the status of my relationship and basically what a piece of crap I've been in this marriage. Anyways I do have a current issue that is tough. When I make a mistake I always apologize and genuinely feel bad about it, however the thing is my spouse responds with. "If you were sorry you wouldn't do it in the first place." how do I respond to that??? any advice
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Old 12-02-2011, 10:38 AM   #2 (permalink)
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She's basically saying that you aren't thinking before you act.
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Old 12-02-2011, 10:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Weird Responses

she's basically saying that she's still angry about it and would prefer to see what measures you will take in the future
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Old 12-02-2011, 10:45 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Weird Responses

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Originally Posted by matman View Post
Hi All
I've made some other posts if you want to see the status of my relationship and basically what a piece of crap I've been in this marriage. Anyways I do have a current issue that is tough. When I make a mistake I always apologize and genuinely feel bad about it, however the thing is my spouse responds with. "If you were sorry you wouldn't do it in the first place." how do I respond to that??? any advice
Is it a recurring mistake? Do you think about how she would feel about things before you do them?
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Old 12-02-2011, 10:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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good point. I just feel like I can't win lately. I am hyper focused on everything I do but still miss stuff. I should be thinking about how she'd feel about things before I did them. I am a musician/ graphic designer. A very creative person and I feel my head is in the clouds a lot of the time.
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Old 12-02-2011, 10:51 AM   #6 (permalink)
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good point. I just feel like I can't win lately. I am hyper focused on everything I do but still miss stuff. I should be thinking about how she'd feel about things before I did them. I am a musician/ graphic designer. A very creative person and I feel my head is in the clouds a lot of the time.
Both of those professions are self-absorbed. If you spend all the time inside your head not noticing you have someone in your life that needs more from you, I can see why she'd be so upset.

Think about her more often. Things will improve if you do.
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Old 12-02-2011, 10:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Weird Responses

I would add that when you make apologies you also offer up solutions or ask what you can do to make up for it
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Old 12-02-2011, 10:54 AM   #8 (permalink)
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If you are making the same 'mistakes' over and over again, you need to figure out why this is and change it since that is jerky behavior.

If you are making geniune errors and she responds as you indicated (as if you were an idiot and made the mistake on purpose), she needs to growup and tell her that her demeaning and disrespectful comments are inappropriate and should cease.

"If you were sorry you wouldn't do it in the first place." .... I wouldn't tolerate this from a child
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Old 12-02-2011, 11:05 AM   #9 (permalink)
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It's not the same mistakes over and over. Almost always new. How are my professions self-absorbed? maybe I'm mis-understanding you. I work my ass off for my family. I feel hurt and very sad. I have asked what I can do to make up for it and the response is "not do it"
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Old 12-02-2011, 11:09 AM   #10 (permalink)
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She needs to grow up.

But that's an oversimplification on some other bigger issue. You have to figure that out. There is something more happening that is causing her to diss your apologies in such a manner
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Old 12-02-2011, 11:11 AM   #11 (permalink)
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It's not the same mistakes over and over. Almost always new. How are my professions self-absorbed? maybe I'm mis-understanding you. I work my ass off for my family. I feel hurt and very sad. I have asked what I can do to make up for it and the response is "not do it"
Graphic designers are in front of a computer all day. Musicians are in their heads composing (or gone from the house playing in a band or doing a set). That's what I mean. My husband did graphics for 12 years, and worked from home. When we first got married I hardly saw him, he was always working. He's since switched to law enforcement which isn't a WHOLE lot better, but he's out and about versus right there in the house and unavailable.

Almost always new? Like what specifically? If you feel that nothing you do is right, I would say she's a very unhappy person.

Last edited by A Bit Much; 12-02-2011 at 11:16 AM. Reason: added info
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Old 12-02-2011, 11:17 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Also, you admit your head is in the clouds. That could be problematic to a person that's firmly planted in the ground dealing with reality.
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Old 12-02-2011, 11:55 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Weird Responses

"Don't do it again" and "you wouldn't have done it in the first place" are shaming statements.

She is trying to inflict shame on you. From your tone, it's working.

Inflicting shame is an abusive behavior, plain and simple. Stop allowing the abuse.

When an apology is needed it should be like a single gunshot. Loud, clear and plain. Then it's done.

Stop multi-apologizing. A single transgression only requires a single apology.

Stop discussing the apology and why she thinks it's inadequate. You apologized, it's done.

Stop apologizing so much. Think about why you are saying it. Is it because you were truly wrong or is it to placate her?

It's time to push back and stop being a doormat.
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Old 12-02-2011, 04:43 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Just wondering when you apologize is it

"I'm sorry for..."

Or "I'm sorry but..."

First one seems that you acknowledge being sorry and what you did that you are sorry for (action you did or something you said etc)
"I'm sorry I said xyz I wasn't trying to upset you"

Second one may come across as you saying you are sorry and justifying or defending what you did or in some cases maybe slipping in a statement to make it seem like she was at fault or stupid for feeling the way she does.saying it like this may make her feel like you aren't really sorry cause you justified it.
"I'm sorry but if you just did this I wouldn't have to"

My husband was king of I'm sorry but. I told him that I didn't like him saying that and explained to him why. I told him if he was going to say I'm sorry but... I would prefer he not apologize. He admitted he had no idea he was saying that in a way that came across like that to me it wasn't his intention.

Not saying this is the case for you and your wife just something to consider. Otherwise it could be what was already said she is just trying to shame demean and disrespect you. And you shouldnt keep apologizing.
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Old 12-02-2011, 04:47 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by jayde View Post
She needs to grow up.

But that's an oversimplification on some other bigger issue. You have to figure that out. There is something more happening that is causing her to diss your apologies in such a manner
You can't be perfect all the time. People don't purposely mess up and we can't be 100% flawless all the time. Your wife sounds super critical.
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