The arguement: I've asked my husband to take the next term of school off to spend time with me before we have the baby. This is our final few months childfree and I'd like to enjoy it.
He sees this as a power play.
I feel like he doesn't love me, and is avoiding me.
There are some contradictions you'll find in his statements:
A.) He thinks he won't be able to go to school in the spring if he takes a term off. I've been a student off and on for years. I know this isn't true.
B.) He is now using our unborn daughter, (yes the one he wanted to abort), as an excuse to go to school. But what is the point of attending this winter term if he cannot return for the spring term?
C.) How does going to school benefit our daughter if he will not be getting a degree or certification? Remember, he initially said he was going to school because he was "bored" and it resulted in reduced hours and income for us, due to decreased hours at work. He did this AFTER finding out I was pregnant. Great timing.
I am not a perfect communicator, and yes, I've fallen completely off the 180 wagon for now. I was a bit sarcastic and snide at times, I know. I'm vulnerable so please understand that...
AM I UNREASONABLE FOR ASKING HIM TO TAKE A SINGLE TERM OFF FROM SCHOOL BEFORE WE HAVE OUR BABY??
He is just thinking it's four hours a week, not accounting for the time that he'll also be working, AND spending HOURS doing homework. Just wanted this time for us both to relax and bond and prepare... I want him to be available to take parenting classes with me - and as it stands, he will be working and attending school FOUR whole days a week.
Cookies and Kudos to anyone who gets through this. It's *very* long, but I've tried to break it up to make it easier to read... I may delete it, if it's just too much...
I just want help improving MY communication, and help seeing where HIS communication faults are, so that we can work on them. IF he'll work on them with me. Me: What kind of man can’t give up one term of school, just one term for his family? How selfish!
Me: You will only get to experience it once, but school you can do as long as you’re alive. I can’t believe you’re so narrow-minded!
H: You seem to fixate on a few evenings as the reason for not being involved. When Sat. Sun and most of Mondays will be available.
H: That seems to be brew minded and stubborn. Me: Brew minded?
Me: This is the last bit of time we have before we have a kid for forever on, and you can’t take some time to bond with me and the pregnancy?
Me: You’ll never get this time back in your lifetime. Ever. If that means nothing to you then you no longer mean anything to me.
H: That seems to be brew minded and stubborn. (resent the same message).
H: I’ve noticed that for some time. You don’t want to treat me as an equal. So be it. Me: What the f*** is “brew minded”? I’m serious. You’ve had your time at school, you can devote the same to me.
H: You feel threatened by me pursuing my interest: I don’t think it’s that unreasonable.
H: You don’t care about me as an individual. Me: I’m not saying quit forever, I’m saying be a ****ing man and be there for me like you haven’t been this whole time! Are you really that shallow?
Me: I need you as an individual. Don’t reduce yourself to sperm donation and child support. I want a husband!
H: There won’t be another time and my schedule leaves three available days. You (enter) see or appreciate that. Me: There is the rest of your life for school. I feel like you’re abandoning me when I need you the most!! Why aren’t I important to you?
H: You don’t care. You want control. Not compromise. How shallow. Me: I’ll never need you like I do now and your “interests” are more important.
Me: You’ve already wasted a term going to class during the pregnancy; it is shallow not to take time off to be there!
H: There will be no grant if I drop out. I have to care. I won’t be blaming others for anything. Me: Who cares about money? This is our life! What little we have left of it! You can go back in summer! Damn!
H: I’m easily disposable to you. You’ve proven that. I have to be secure through my own actions. Me: Fine. Spend the entire pregnancy going to school. Don’t be there, don’t be available. You have become so selfish and shallow!!! Stay in school! I will do what I have to for that crucial support during that crucial time. I thought you were better than this.
H: No I can’t. The money won’t be there. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable here. Me: I do. You’ve spent the entire pregnancy going to school and all you care about is MONEY, not being there for your family! Learned from the best, I guess.
H: You’re manipulative and unable to care about my intentions. I’m tired of being bullied and threatened. Me: Whatever. I give up. You’re a horrible excuse for a husband and father.
Me: You’ll live to regret your selfishness one day.
H: Your only concern is financial support. I deserve an empathetic and sincere wife. Not a controlling, dictorial one. Me: I don’t care about money! I give up! I don’t want to be close to you! It just hurts anymore!
H: You’ve made me feel bad enough about myself. Me: Forget it. Don’t be there for me or your baby during the final months.
Me: You’re a great guy.
H: You have been stubborn and closed-minded. I need to be understood or at least deserving of a voice. Me: My dad was never there because work and school were more important. I hate him for never thinking I was just as important to make time.
Me: I don’t want your daughter to hate you like I hate my dad.
Me: I’ll never be able to convince you of the great mistake you’re making when you’re too tired to even go for a hike, but you think you’ll be supportive when I need you the most.
H: You need to speak to your counselor. This is not reasonable and three days are exceptional. You won’t be driving past trauma with it’s a projection and I won’t play it. Me: Whatever you want, H. I give up. Leave your family behind just like my dad did. He’s a great guy, too. Just ask his work buddies.
Me: It’s just one term, a very important and scary part of my life, but I don’t need you.
Me: I want to go through it alone.
H: You may abandon me, but I won’t abandon my daughter. I will seek joint custody and I have a separate email with all our texts and your comments on not wanting the burden. Me: I don’t care. You’re a great guy who uses school as an excuse to abandon me when I’m begging you to be there when I need you the most. You’re the man I always dreamed of. A dime a dozen.
H: Four hours a week. Grow up. You know I wouldn’t be able to go back and you want that because you’re threatened by it. As I sit here and go blind because I failed to see only I even care about my health. Me: Not four hours a week. That’s what you do now, and you STILL don’t have time to bond with me.
Me: You’re not thinking of what you’re doing to us.
H: You’re right, you don’t care. You’re selfish and want complete control because a man with needs is a threat. Me: You’re not a threat. I have needs and I’m begging you on my ****ing hands and knees not to do this RIGHT NOW.
Me: You can go back in the summer! Why must you do this NOW??
H: You’re ignoring me. Typical. If four hours is unreasonable. Find out for yourself what little contribution I make. Since you enjoy reminding me. Me: Not four hours! Then there’s homework and time away. I just wanted the last bit of our life without kids to be special. I need it; it’s not about control or money. Just wanted to be important.
Me: I just wanted you to be there for me because I’m scared and vulnerable. But if this is more important than the time we will never get back, then I understand.
Me: One term isn’t a big deal, though. Lots of people take breaks for IMPORTANT events in their lives. Just n ot you.
Me: You’re hurting and abandoning me in such a painful way I’ve never felt before. And I’m really wishing you would see that!!
H: Then show an interest in our future. Which isn’t going to be just us. Me: I’m sitting here, crying at work, feeling so alone and unimportant. I’m hurting so badly and you don’t care!
Me: I’m done begging. The choice is yours. I can’t make you see how detrimental this is to me, but know that it is.
H: It’s not just you or me. It’s our future and I won’t neglect it.
H: You hate me. How hard could it be. Me: I’m done. It’s your choice. Your choice reflects your character. And I used to think you were the best in the world, but I can see now that you’re the best to yourself.
H: Just responsible to myself and the future of my daughter. Me: You’re deserting me at the worst possible time, because you can’t compromise and take a term off for your family.
Me: I guess I have my answer then.
H: You’re not thinking about our daughter. You need to compromise. Me: It’s just one term, not forever. You are rationalizing and it doesn’t make sense. One freaking term! You can’t be there for just one term!
H: I’m sure I’m useful. Until replaced. You know your open marriage or openly seeking. Me: I guess you leave me no choice when you refuse to try and meet mutually benefitting needs. Who else can I turn to? You? LoL
H: Lol. And you made me feel so good about myself. Me: I thought you were a good person at one time. I was so na´ve.
Me: I never wanted anyone else, just for you to help, see that I have needs. Needs only you can fill.
Me: I just wanted to be loved but I got lied to, cheated on and abandoned. And I’m STILL trying to make you see that I need you.
Me: And want you. But it doesn’t matter how much I hurt, you are cold and distant and uncaring. I can’t make you see how much pain I’m in, or what this ultimately means to you and I and our family.
H: Don’t worry. I was na´ve too. I won’t be manipulated. I have a daughter to think of. Me: I’m not a manipulative person. What the hell am I manipulating you for? Time together when I need you the most? I’m ASKING for it. Not manipulating.
H: Goodnight. I need to sleep before I’m asked to leave and stop bothering. What a paradox. Me: Sundays I never ask you to leave anymore – just get breakfast lol – haven’t made any changes, have I? Good to see you’re recognizing my efforts.
H: I hope you continue your efforts. It would be hard to find someone without their own feelings and needs. Me: I’m not saying I want someone without needs and feelings, I just wanted you to consider mine as well, but I know that’s not going to happen. It hurts.
Me: I really need you right now.
H: You’ve done nothing but threaten me. When I assert myself. You created that lack of trust and security. I needed understanding. A partner. My decision to support myself and my daughter stands.
H: Love you. Goodnight. Me: I threatened you???
H: Lol. You just did. Me: How?
H: Many times. It won’t work with others either. Nite. Me: How did I threaten you now? By saying I need you? That’s a threat?
Me: I just wanted to be the most important thing in your life. Not be the only thing in your life.
H: You will do what you need to do or find who you need to. I’m talking throughout the relationship. Me: You said I *just* threatened you. How?
H: I’m going to bed now. Me: I just wanted you to care and love me and be there for me. Thanks. I’m scared.
H: Don’t be. Love you. Goodnight. Me: Why would you say not to be? I am and I don’t feel like telling you how I feel makes a difference. That makes me feel unloved!
H: I understand the feeling of uncertainty. It can be scary. Maybe we can find a compromise. Talk to you tomorrow. Love you.