Im am hurting in my relationship, but my partner just refuses to see it
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Old 12-04-2011, 11:52 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Im am hurting in my relationship, but my partner just refuses to see it

Hello,
I wouldn't usually be as open as this with my problems but I am not really sure where to turn or what to do. I have been living with my partner for 2 years now and we are currently in the process of planning our wedding. I know that we both love each other, but I am starting to wonder if "loving someone else" means the same to both of us.

I feel like the way that I love her is by trying to communicate with her and show her that I love her with methods that don't involve spending money. I try to cook her dinners, tell her my feelings and take care of her emotionally. Her way of loving involves buying things, helping me with school and sending me texts that say "I love you." Not that those texts shouldn't mean anything, but they have started to feel like cookie cutter messages that never have much more meaning than the immediate thought. I am feeling emotionally neglected and whenever I try to tell her my feelings, she usually just gets frustrated, asks me to stop telling her she is doing this wrong and that I'm never happy. She says that I always just want more from her. I feel like all I want is for her to take an interest in what is going on inside of me and my feelings. I have told her this, but nothing seems to change. Is this a sign that we are not compatible? I just don't know what to do because I am hurting inside and I want nothing more than to figure out how to make this love last. When things are good, they are great and I love her with all my heart. She is an amazing woman, but has emotionally distant sometimes. Can anyone help me?
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Old 12-04-2011, 12:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Im am hurting in my relationship, but my partner just refuses to see it

Read about the love languages. It may not be that you're incompatible, but that you're speaking different love languages, and you both need to understand that.

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Old 12-04-2011, 02:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Im am hurting in my relationship, but my partner just refuses to see it

The answer really is has she always been like this or recently changed. If the former you have to realise people are different and not everyone sees love the same as you
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Old 12-04-2011, 02:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Im am hurting in my relationship, but my partner just refuses to see it

Do not get married until this is resolved.

The fact that she blows off your feelings is a HUGE red flag.

A good partner will listen to your concerns and try to come to a resolution with you. A bad/unhealthy partner is one who discounts your feelings, blanks them, and gets mad when you point out any "flaws."

Watch out.
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Old 12-04-2011, 02:39 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Im am hurting in my relationship, but my partner just refuses to see it

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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
Do not get married until this is resolved.

The fact that she blows off your feelings is a HUGE red flag.

A good partner will listen to your concerns and try to come to a resolution with you. A bad/unhealthy partner is one who discounts your feelings, blanks them, and gets mad when you point out any "flaws."

Watch out.
The question is HOW to begin fixing this! I know she loves me, I think we need to learn to communicate better. The HOW is the issue.
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Old 12-04-2011, 02:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Im am hurting in my relationship, but my partner just refuses to see it

Precisely. So what do you NEED from her to feel better? TELL HER. And she needs to do the same.
Couples counselling wouldn't hurt. Read "His needs/ her needs" and get the 5 love languages book.

I was married to someone who discounted my feelings all the time. It was awful feeling that my feelings did not matter. He would tell me all the time "Your opinion doesn't matter/count to me."

That is why I am telling you this is a major red flag you must nip in the bud before doing something crazy like getting married. LOL.
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Old 12-04-2011, 04:14 PM   #7 (permalink)
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This may sound a bit unique, but my husband and I are very different personality types. When we first started dating, I felt neglected like you. Much later, I realized I was puting up unfair expectations and insisting he develop this constant reassurance towards me in order that I feel loved. Your girlfriend is making an effort, it may not be exactly how you want it, but it does show in her actions. For fun, we took a Myers Briggs personality test (you can get a free app off of your I-phone if you have one). It really defined our personalities...we were able to view them and talk about each other together. You learn so much about yourself and your partner and how you each play a role in your relationship. This can help you to discuss what you can do to resolve some of those concerns. When you and your partner truly start understanding each others emotional intelligence, then I think it will make you stronger people. Maybe that 'lack of response to your feelings' is not the same interpretation to your partner. We all react a certain way in emotional situations. Perhaps the work is on both parts-she may need to work at listening to your feelings and you may need to be more appreciative of her efforts or find alternative healthy means to feeling more self reassured.
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Old 12-04-2011, 04:21 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Skittlebear View Post
This may sound a bit unique, but my husband and I are very different personality types. When we first started dating, I felt neglected like you. Much later, I realized I was puting up unfair expectations and insisting he develop this constant reassurance towards me in order that I feel loved. Your girlfriend is making an effort, it may not be exactly how you want it, but it does show in her actions. For fun, we took a Myers Briggs personality test (you can get a free app off of your I-phone if you have one). It really defined our personalities...we were able to view them and talk about each other together. You learn so much about yourself and your partner and how you each play a role in your relationship. This can help you to discuss what you can do to resolve some of those concerns. When you and your partner truly start understanding each others emotional intelligence, then I think it will make you stronger people. Maybe that 'lack of response to your feelings' is not the same interpretation to your partner. We all react a certain way in emotional situations. Perhaps the work is on both parts-she may need to work at listening to your feelings and you may need to be more appreciative of her efforts or find alternative healthy means to feeling more self reassured.
Your response has made me feel a lot better about the situation. I think you have somehow seen into my relationship. You may be right, perhaps I do have unfair expectations. She DOES show me how much she cares, but just in a different way from how I would. I think talking to her about this will help. Thank you so much for your insight Skittlebear!
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