Have your friendships survived your marriage? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 12-04-2011, 01:06 PM Thread Starter
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Have your friendships survived your marriage?

My DW and I pretty much do most everything together, with the exception of working out which we mostly tend to do separately (but not always). Very rarely do we get together with friends apart from each other, and, really, we do not have any close personal friends, but rather more casual friends.

Not sure if this puts more stress on the marriage or less stress on the marriage, but neither of us seems especially interested in close friendships with others. Don't get me wrong, we are not completely anti-social and she is actually quite the social butterfly and can talk to just about anyone, whether she has known them all her life or just met them.

But, how do the close personal friendships affect YOUR marriage, whether they are your own personal friendships or those of your spouse?

The last time I had a true "best friend" was leading up to my first marriage and he and I had been best friends since the 9th grade. But, he had a real problem with my first wife and even was nearly begging me not to marry her on the limo ride to go pick her up for the wedding. I have no ill will towards my first wife (although maybe I would had she left me rather than me leaving her) but I cannot say that I truly have no ill will towards my former best friend who I will still see occasionally.

What I find most amusing is that about a year after I married my first wife, he hooked up with his eventual wife and she was not only a few years older than him (four?) but also she had a child from a previous marriage and was divorced, and, really, not a beauty queen.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with being a divorced woman with a child, but for my one time best friend, who had boasted that he was going to marry a model or beauty queen, it was not what I was expecting.

Nowadays, although the two of them are still together, I know that he cheats on her once or twice a month and always has. I used to do the same thing in my first marriage but by marrying a younger and more attractive woman than my first wife who doesn't neglect me sexually for too long, I have been able to stay true in this marriage. I told my second wife about all the skeletons in my closet and this really bothered my friend because it prevented what could have otherwise been weekends away to engage in extramarital fun with other women.

To this day, this friend talks $hit about my first wife and blames her for he and I drifting apart. But, maybe because I am a nice guy or maybe because I just do not want conflict do I ever talk $hit about his wife who is a dozen years older than my second wife, 50 pounds heavier and not nearly as pretty.

As far as my wife's friendships go, I don't know...the one closest friend she had, ended up talking **** about my wife, about me, about our marriage, about the fact that we love to travel the world, about seemingly anything and everything. She even told one of my wife's close relative's that I was "gay" and I am thinking that is because my wife and I took her and a guy she was briefly dating to see a theatrical comedic show that featured drag queens.

Funny thing is that this friend, although Middle Eastern, was dating/f***ing a big black guy, and although that would have been a major controversy had that come to light, my wife nor I never said a word about that to her family.

Once it got back to my wife what this friend had said, my wife confronted her and ended the friendship only for that same friend to turn around and end up getting engaged to my wife's cousin, putting us in the awkward position recently of attending their wedding, where there was a little more drama.

Anyway, to sum it up, my wife and I tend to avoid friendships with others that would eat into our time together...this may sometimes lead to us nearly killing each other and not having a chance to miss each other, but it is what it is.

How about the rest of you? Multiple friendships with others? Enjoy the time away from your spouse? Any resentment on the part of you or your spouse over any friendships?

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 12-04-2011, 04:28 PM
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Re: Have your friendships survived your marriage?

I think adult friendships can be tricky. It takes trust and respect on both parts, and you need to have friends that do not bring drama into your relationship. If you can come up with that, then it's a great thing to have friends. If not, then you are probably better off without them. I'm not sure what my husband and I would do if we didn't have friends in our lives. They are an outlet for fun, a chance to be with others outside of each other, and even sometimes for when we just need to vent a little. But we have had those friendships that we've needed to release from our lives, too. I guess as long as you're happy, that's the important thing. Best of luck with however you choose!
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 12-05-2011, 05:49 AM
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Re: Have your friendships survived your marriage?

If your friend don't want you to be happy, then they aren't your friend in the first place.

Just find a new one.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 12-05-2011, 01:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Have your friendships survived your marriage?

Hmmm...quite the double standard for your hubby to have a best friend/piggy bank while you are not allowed to have friends!

But, I do see how one could be jealous of his/her spouse having close friends and devoting that energy to the friend instead of to the marriage.

However, what I am finding that does to the marriage is that it amplifies the good times and it also amplifies the bad times. When my wife and I are getting along very well, it is great not to have interference from others, but when we are not getting along, then it would be nice to be able to get away with friends.

Personally, I find that I have always favored women who did not have a large social circle and did not do things like a girls night out and stuff like that. Each of the women that I have had serious relationships did not even have a close relationship with their siblings and I think that is not a coincidence, although a couple of the women have had close relationships with their respective mothers.

I just don't think I'd be able to function well in a relationship where I was not getting plenty of attention and it was one reason why the only other serious relationship besides my two marriages did not work out. As opposed to each my first wife and my second wife, that woman required "alone" time and I would only spend 4 nights a week with her, as opposed to the 7 nights a week I like to spend with my partner.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 12-05-2011, 02:14 PM
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Re: Have your friendships survived your marriage?

Originally Posted by CalifGuy View Post

How about the rest of you? Multiple friendships with others? Enjoy the time away from your spouse? Any resentment on the part of you or your spouse over any friendships?
Me & mine are each others Best friend, I would rather be with him over any of my gf's, and he would rather be with me over any of the guys. When I was younger, my Gf's used to get mad at me cause I always wanted to be with him, they give up on asking me out after a time.

We all hang with some of the same people we went to High school with, doing picnics in the summer, Bonfires at each others houses, I have picked up a few friends at church, through my kids friends parents along the way. We don't go out too much. I don't seem to pick up the phone as much as I should to call my friends- but then we have FB, don't we. I let them call me. I am usually game if they have an idea to do something, we generally go -if we can.

We enjoy going out with other coupels, out to eat, concerts. Amusement parks- with our kids hanging with each other. We have single friends too.

We've never had an issue yet over him not liking my gf's or me not caring for his friends, or either of us taking too much time to be with friends. They all became "our" friends, when we became "us".

I could live on a desert island and not need anyone but me & him really, but still friends are important, I wouldn't want to go through life without them. I am closer to my friends than my extended family, some of them are very very dear.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 12-05-2011, 02:25 PM
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Re: Have your friendships survived your marriage?

Many of my friends have been my friends since the early 80s

My newer friends (5 years or less) are women and they are amazing.

My husband has his friends from the shop (10+ years) but meets a lot of people that come in and out of his life randomly.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 12-05-2011, 03:03 PM
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Re: Have your friendships survived your marriage?

Everyone needs friends and everyone should have friends, at least one preferably more. That said, if friends begin to take a higher priority than one's spouse, there is going to be trouble. When one's spouse justifiably puts themselves in front of one's friends, there is an opportunity for conflict and bad choices.

Last edited by Ten_year_hubby; 12-05-2011 at 03:10 PM.
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